


Hidden on this Prairie

by RannonSolo7



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, American Civil War, Animal Death, Awkward Sexual Situations, F/M, Mail Order Brides, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Oral Sex, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Period-Typical Racism, Sexual Content, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2018-12-24 11:35:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 96,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12011892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RannonSolo7/pseuds/RannonSolo7
Summary: Katniss lost everything during the war: her home, her family, and her innocence. Now, just a few short years after Appomattox she finds herself dislocated yet again when a dispute with the landlord leaves her homeless and unemployed. A chance meeting with a stranger offers her a chance at a better life out west but Katniss has no inclination to ever be involved with a man again.





	1. The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here I am, back with another story. I am not an expert in this time period so give me a break on some of the details. I like writing a good Everlark and I haven't in a while so I wanted to do something longer than a one shot. This one will be a multi chapter story and hopefully a good one. 
> 
> If you are following along at home please leave me some thoughts and comments on this opener.

Katniss Everdeen never believed that she would hate farming. When her father had still been alive the growing of cotton had provided well. Not just for her parents and little sister but for the dozen or so slaves that had worked the plantation as well. Their holdings had not been as large as some others in the area but they lived well enough that Katniss had been afforded nice dresses, voice lessons, and instruction in reading and writing. A lot of good that had done her. She would have been better off paying more attention to the planting and harvesting that went on in the fields. 

When the war broke out her father had enlisted bravely, promising his wife and daughters that he would be home in a month. He was mortally wounded in the battle of Sharpsburg. She did her best not think about him every day. Katniss has learned a lot about not thinking over the years. She had learned not to think of her life before the war. She had learned not to remember her mother and sister. She had mastered not dwelling on the dreams she had once had of loving someone and raising a family. 

She had also learned a lot about growing things. Not that she had a particularly keen interest in it but all there was in Georgia these days was land and poverty. If you couldn’t get money from the first all you got was the second. It was a cruel irony that so many had died and no one seemed to be in a better condition. A few of the newly freed people had gone north but most of them were still right here share cropping along with her and many aspects of their living conditions remained unchanged. 

She stopped walking and took time to wipe the sweat from her face and neck. Her hands nearly shook with anger. Cato Jacobs had cheated them one too many times. As she approached his steps she slowed her pace and her breathing. She needed to be thinking clearly when she confronted him. Peels of his sadistic laughter floated on the wind which made her bristle. He was entertaining, hopefully not a lady friend. 

Katniss stood at the door and did her best to summon her courage. She might have lost her nerve if it were not for Cecelia. She had several mouths to feed and could not afford to be denied even a single penny of what was owed to her. She gritted her teeth and began knocking. If she had thought he would be angry she was surprised. 

Instead of being cruel or confrontational Cato seemed almost amused as he stepped out on the porch and observed her. “Katnissss” he slurred. “What a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you?” He placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. She could feel the strength in his hands. “Are you here to earn a few more coins?” She shuddered. How could people think her a prostitute when she worked in the fields 7 days a week? She had done absolutely everything in order to not make her money in that way. 

“You cheated us” she got out as she backed away from his touch. His eyes narrowed. “Cheated you?” he questioned. “I just paid you yesterday. How could I have cheated you?” She shook her head at his audacity. “Yes you paid us” she agreed. “You paid us half the going rate.” His face became mockingly thoughtful. “Well…” he said slowly. “That’s the rate I got when I sold and that was the agreement. I paid you your share.” Her knuckles were nearly white from being fisted in rage. “You expect me to believe that you sold your crops at rock bottom prices for no reason. Even you aren’t that much of an idiot.”

Anger flared in his eyes and he stepped forward to grab her again just as the screen door opened. “Yer posed to be drink’in with me boy” came a voice from the entrance way. “What ya got out there a hooker?” Katniss closed her eyes in embarrassment. Was she never going to live it down? When she opened them again she saw an aging gentleman whom she knew immediately was not from anywhere around here. She had never seen him before in her life. She sniffed. He certainly reeked of booze. 

“Naw” Cato laughed it off. “This is one of my little worker bees” he bragged putting an arm around her. “She only sleeps with me when I say so.” Despite her better judgement Katniss slapped him across the face. At first she was horrified. She needed this job. Without it she had no place to live. But now that the damage was done she might as well let him have it. “You’re a beast” she accused. “A snake and a swindler as bad as any Yankee carpet bagger. You give us the land to work for a fair cut of the proceeds but you’re never honest about the selling price. Some of the workers are sick and starving and some of them have families to feed. I want to see your books Mr. Jacobs!” 

The older man looked to Cato. “Doesn’t seem like ya have her very well in hand” he observed. “I do not belong to Mr. Jacobs” Katniss snapped. “I wouldn’t sleep with him or any man in the state if there was a gun pointed to my head. I just want my fair cut and the money that he owes the other share croppers on this plantation.” Her spine was straight, her chest puffed out, her chin lifted in resolve. She saw the older man move his hand up to cover a smile as Cato closed the distance she had created and grabbed her arm. 

“Listen here you little piece of white trash” he bellowed. “No one insults me on my land, in my own home. I’ve been more than generous with you and that ragtag hoard lounging about my cabins.” Katniss did her best to appear unruffled but loud noises frightened her and the feeling of her flesh being clenched by a man brought back of flood of horrifying memories. She tried to remove it but he held firm and nearly shook her. “Get off my property you whore! You don’t work for me anymore.” 

Katniss stumbled backward and tripped on some discarded liquor bottles and went down hard. The force of all of her body weight hit her forearms as she moved to break her fall and the resulting collision jarred her to the core. The old man moved to help her up but as she turned back she saw that Cato had returned to the house and was emerging again with his shotgun. 

She doubted that he would actually shoot her. Cato was ruthless and exploitative but he wasn’t crazy. Still, he was drunk and she was not willing to bet her life on his mental stability. Before further words could be exchanged she hoisted herself up on her elbows, managed to get her feet under her and ran. The wind was starting to pick up and her breath burned in her lungs as she pumped her legs again and again. She didn’t want to stop until she was sure he could not catch up with her. If he did she was sure he might do far worse than just kill her. 

She had seen the way he looked at her sometimes. His gaze often lingered on her bottom when she was in the fields or on her breasts when she was forced to interact with him to take her payments or discuss the impending yields. She knew what he wanted to do to her, the disgusting things men thought about. It made bile rise up in her throat. No man would ever touch her again. 

Her leg caught on a branch and she stumbled twice before catching her skirt in a thicket and falling to her hands and knees in the mud. Don’t cry! She instructed herself. Crying had never done her any good and she didn’t want to waste a single moment of her life on it ever again. It was hard though. She had lost everything today. All of her possessions were back in her little corner of Cecelia’s cabin and she dare not tread on Cato’s land again. She hadn’t owned much but now she had nothing and she had lost the picture of her father too. Where would she go? What would she do for food?

The questions weighed heavy on her mind as she climbed the nearest tree and settled in for the night. The light was fading fast and she knew better than to sleep on the ground. She was unarmed and had to fear from attack from both man and beast. She wasn’t sure what she would do in the morning. Probably travel farther north, find another job working land that didn’t belong to her and never truly reaping any benefits from it. She would go further if she could. She would run away from this horrible little corner of the universe where everyone knew her and what had happened to her and where all of her haunting memories were. But travel required means and that was something she was sorely lacking. 

Her thoughts began to wander to the past as she stared out at the sun, dipping ever lower on the horizon. She thought of fun summers swimming with her father at the lake. She recalled her mother’s proud expression as she performed her solo at the church picnic. She remember the sweet scent of her baby sister Prim when they were young girls and she would crawl into bed with Katniss at night. She missed them so much and they were all gone. She would never have a family again. 

She would have been content to stay lost in a haze of happier times for the rest of the evening but just then she heard the sound of hooves hitting soft soil. A man’s voice accompanied the sound of the approaching horse. “Now where the hell did that little gal git to?” she heard him say. She took a deep breath, recognizing that it was not Cato but she didn’t relax her guard. He was coming from the direction of his land and may have been sent to bring her back. 

She arched her neck to see him as he came in to view. The older man from the house. Cato’s guest had followed her tracks. If she would have truly believed that someone would be pursuing her so soon she would have taken steps to conceal herself better and it wasn’t long before she was spotted. “There ya are sweetheart” he said motioning towards her. She could hear the thick southern accent. He may have been traveling recently but the south was his home. 

There was no sense pretending that she had a chance to escape. He would run her down in a few moments on a horse. “I’m not going back” she called to him and to her surprise he dismounted and removed his hat. It was a gentlemanly gesture and one she had not been afforded in years. She might have been charmed if he did not walk straight to his saddle bag and remove a flask of whiskey. He lifted it to his mouth twice before wiping his beard covered face and addressing her again. 

“I didn’t think ya would” he answered. “My nephew Cato is set to his bottle now so we won’t be see’in him til tomorrow afternoon I reckon. Should be plenty a time fer ya to make yourself scarce.” She nodded despite the fact that she didn’t trust him. He was a relative of Cato so there wasn’t much chance that he was a man of honor and he had no reason to take her side. “He’s my sister’s boy” he said in way of explanation. “My sister has always been good fer noth’in and Cato takes after her.” 

She was surprised by the description but still no more inclined to come down and make conversation. He had heard Cato call her a whore. Perhaps he had come out here to get a little action from a younger woman himself. She shuddered at the thought. “The thing is” he said, finally getting to point. “I’m headed west when I shove off from here tomorrow and I have a proposition fer ya.” Her stomach lurched and she could feel herself turning green. “A business proposition” he clarified although it was no clearer to her. 

“Come on down here” he said motioning to his side. “I ain’t go’in to hurt ya. I just want to talk to ya. Think I have an answer to the predicament you’ve gotten yerself into and I’m gettin a cramp in my neck trying to look at ya way up there.” She was still unsure but he seemed fairly unsteady on his feet. Surely he was in no shape to accost her. He was also heading west and had a horse to travel. Maybe she could convince him to let her come along. There was plenty of land out west and she should be able to find a job as a share cropper or even as a cook or a cowgirl. She had no experience herding cattle but she was a skilled horsewomen and she had learned farming fairly easily. 

Carefully, she backed down the branches of the tree until she was able to lower herself to the ground. She was face to face with him now and he reached out and offered his hand to shake but she kept her distance. “Suite yerself” he said with a chuckle and a shake of his head. “You said you had a proposition for me” she snapped, annoyed with him for finding her so entertaining. “You know of someone who is looking for help?”

“Yep” he said sitting down on a stump to smoke his pipe. “As a matter a fact I do. One of my business associates and a personal friend at that.” Katniss found herself eager to learn more. The man had said that he was headed west. If she could find transit out there she would be able to start over. She might be able to find work and live out her life as a nice honest and respectable housekeeper or a nanny. She had loved her little sister Prim dearly and had cared for her often. She would love to take charge of some little ones and teach them to read. 

“His name is Peeta” the man continued. “Peeta Mellark. But before I go introducin my friends to ya I had best tell ya who I am.” He started coughing and Katniss watched as he lifted his handkerchief to his mouth. She didn’t miss the blot of blood that gathered there. He was sick, maybe dying even. She recognized the signs of tuberculosis. After a minute the coughing passed and he took another pull from what she assumed was his whiskey. “Haymitch” he offered. “The name is Haymitch.” He settled down more comfortably and enjoyed a few puffs of his pipe. That seemed to be the only information he was going to offer her. 

“I’m Katniss” she said, realizing that she hadn’t returned the introduction. “Katniss Everdeen. I used to work for Cato but I guess I’m free to take on another job now.” Haymitch smiled. “I know” he said. “That’s why I thought of Peeta. I’m go’in back his way and I know he will skin me if I don’t bring someone back with me. He’s got a place out in Kansas and he’s smart as a whip but not too much time do’in actual farm work. He’s figur’in it out and all but it’s a pretty big stretch to be worked on his own. It’s lonely too and a man needs company at times.”

Katniss was so excited about the prospect of taking a position as far away as Kansas that she didn’t take time to fully process his last words. “Yes” she agreed happily. “There is no way he should be doing it alone. I’ve never farmed as far west as that but I’ve several years of experience and I am a good horsewoman. I’m healthy and strong and I will work as hard as any man. Do you think he would be agreeable to taking a female on as a sharecropper?”

Haymitch began to laugh which threw Katniss off a little. He had brought the job up to her himself. Why bother if her gender was to be such an issue? “He’s ain’t looking for a hired hand girl” Haymitch chuckled. “What Peeta needs is a wife.” She froze. All she could think of was sweaty hands pulling at her clothes. She remembered the suffocating feeling of a man’s mouth sealed over hers. “No” she said, her voice sounding desperate. “Now come on” Haymitch insisted “be reasonable sweetheart.” He reached for her arm and she backed away towards the tree. She knew her eyes showed fear. 

His expression softened. “Listen girl. In case ya ain’t noticed, ya are in a lot a trouble here.” Katniss shook her head. “I’ll be fine. I’ll find another position. It won’t kill me to sleep in the woods for a few days.” He returned his pipe to his bag. “I don’t reckon ya fully understand yer situation” Haymitch warned. “Ya didn’t just up and quit, ya insulted my nephew and he ain’t likely to forget it. You ain’t work’in anywhere round these parts no more. You ain’t got no food and nowhere to go. I ain’t sure what happened to ya but I can see that someth’in did and it’s likely go’in to again if I leave ya out here on yer own. Yer pretty under all that grime and men ain’t just go’in to ignore that.”

Katniss let her gaze fall to the ground. He wasn’t threatening her. He was just trying to speak sense. “Now listen here” Haymitch continued. “In a minute or so I’m ride’in back to Cato’s. I don’t sleep on the ground no more less I have to. I’ll give ya the night to think it over. In the morn’in I’ll stop back this way. If ya want to come with me and marry Peeta then I’ll provide for yer travel. If ya don’t then I’ll leave ya be.” 

Katniss thought it over and nodded. He was kind to give her those options. “Just keep a few things in mind” Haymitch advised. “Peeta is a good man, as good as they come so if ya agree to come’in you gots to be honest and marry’im since he’s the one that’ll be pay’in fer ya to come along.” He mounted his horse but returned to lock gazes with her. “He’d be gentle girl, not hurt ya never. It’s a better deal than ya could ever hope to git from folks round here. Legal marriage to an honest man. You’d have yer own land and a chance fer some kin again.” 

Without even realizing it Katniss brought her hand to her belly. Kin. She would have a house and children of her own. It sounded good but painfully impossible. A million questions flooded her mind but the horse was starting to get restless and she knew she only had time for one. “This man you know” she said. “This Peeta. Why does he have to send for a woman to be his wife that he doesn’t even know? What’s wrong with him that he can’t rightfully court someone?” Haymitch adjusted his hat. “He’s busy with the place. That and there ain’t many white women out in Kansas.” With that meager explanation he nudged his mount forward and left Katniss to sort the day’s events on her own. 

She climbed back in her tree. She didn’t need to worry about falling because she didn’t sleep. Haymitch’s offer was appealing. A warm place to sleep with food to eat and a husband willing to work to make a living. At his side she would, in theory, be able to enjoy the fruits of her labor rather than constantly turning them over to the landlord. But if he was cruel or unfair she wouldn’t be able to just move on. He would own her. She would be his. She dry heaved a few times. Haymitch had described him as a good man but she wasn’t convinced there was such a thing left. The war had blown all of the honorable men to bits and had irrecoverably changed even those who had survived. 

Her hand found her middle again. A baby. If she had a husband then there would be a baby. An image tried to surface in her mind but she quickly pushed it back. She would not fall apart tonight. She needed to stay focused and make the right decision. But was there really even a choice? She was penniless and she had no idea how far Cato’s reach went. She couldn’t go back to Cecelia. She would never put her and her children in that much danger. She would have to go with Haymitch. 

In most ways she knew she would make a good wife. As she had argued just a few hours ago she was sturdy and industrious. She knew how to plant and to harvest. She could make cheese and butter. If she thought real hard she could even remember how to sew and make candles. She could read and was better than average with numbers. She could also play the piano and she had a beautiful singing voice although she doubted there would be much use for it where she was going. 

She just wished he wouldn’t be expecting the bedroom part. She wasn’t a stranger to marital relations although she had never been married. She believed that Haymitch understood that and it didn’t seem to bother him but she could not help but wonder if her prospective husband would feel the same way. Perhaps it would not matter. Maybe he wouldn’t even want to do it that often. Haymitch was getting on in years and it was highly possible that if Peeta was his friend that he was as well. If he was aging he likely wouldn’t have the same appetite for it as a young man. She could only hope. 

She expected Haymitch the next morning but as the sun continued to rise and eventually to hang high in the sky she began to worry that he had forgotten her or changed his mind. She was small after all and feisty and sometimes too outspoken. Her features were plain. Her hair dark brown and her eyes grey, nearly silver. She was dirty from living in cabins with dirt floors and her hands were rough with work. Maybe he had spoken with Cato regarding her past and discovered that she was a fallen woman. That she was broken and used, certainly no one’s bride.

Just when she was about to despair and give up on him completely she heard the sound of horses. She hid in the brush. It either wasn’t Haymitch or he hadn’t come alone. But as he came into view she could see that the horse tethered to his was empty. He had anticipated that she would accept and already made preparations for her. She tried not to look pleased when she went out to greet him.

She came forward to touch the horse’s mane and he nuzzled against her hand. “What’s his name?” she asked with a smile. It had been a long time since she had smiled. “Her name” Haymitch corrected good naturedly. “Don’t know” he admitted. “Guess that’s up to ya. You’ll be need’in one so I took some time this morn’in to git a good’in.” She smiled at him again. “Thank you” she said softly. “Peeta will pay me for her” he explained. 

“I’m going to go with you” she said unnecessarily as she swung up in the saddle. “I know” he said simply. She could feel his eyes on her and after a few minutes she couldn’t ignore it any longer. “What?” she asked in exasperation. “Noth’in” Haymitch said. “It’s just that ya’ve spent time in a saddle and quite a bit of it.” She nodded. He laughed. “That’s amusing to you?” she questioned. “Yep” he said slapping his knee. “Damn amusing. Peeta is going to have a hell of a time with ya. A hell of a time try’in to figure ya out. Well, actually just a hell of a time period.”


	2. The Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Haymitch travel west while Peeta anxiously awaits the arrival of the woman he will marry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was in such a hurry to post last time that I did not get some needed notes added. 
> 
> First of all, I obvious do not own the Hunger Games or any characters from it and I think you know that. 
> 
> Secondly, this work is historical fiction and it contains ideas and attitudes regarding both race and gender that were common to the period and that some people may find offensive. These ideas and attitudes do not reflect my thoughts or values. If you believe that this will be upsetting to you then you should not read this story. 
> 
> Now with that out of the way a big huge thank you to everyone who read the first chapter and left me feedback. We still have a long way to go but it was an interesting start and I look forward to hearing more from you as we move along. It certainly keeps me motivated to write more for you. 
> 
> In this chapter we get to meet Peeta and read some of his thoughts and feeling regarding this whole situation. We also get some insight into what Katniss is going through both mentally and physically as she is headed west.

I hope that Haymitch found someone. It was all Peeta Mellark could think of as he rode his horse towards the barn and cabin at the top of the hill. He’d been out checking his crops and mending a couple of fences since day break. He didn’t own a lot of cattle, just a few heads for milk and meat but they had proved to be fractious creatures and were forever working to reverse his continuous repairs. His horse picked up the pace as they got closer. He knew Peeta would have an apple or carrot for him upon their return. Peeta sighed. He had a tendency to spoil things that he loved. 

When Smokey had been watered and given not one but two apples Peeta took another for himself and sat down at his small kitchen table to eat. He grabbed some jerky as well. He would have preferred a more complete meal but he had no time to prepare anything and none of his dishes were clean. It only served as yet another reminder that he was in desperate need of a wife. His clothes needed mending and he never came even close to getting caught up on the chores so he hadn’t attended Sunday services in months. He had barely seen anyone since Haymitch had left. 

What “business” the old man had back east Peeta couldn’t imagine but he had insisted that he had needed to go. It was the first time Peeta had seen him do anything except for feed his geese and drink in well over 3 years. He had a cabin several miles from his and always stopped in to check on the younger man when he went into town to buy provisions. Sometimes he stayed for a meal or even to play cards and the two had struck up a friendship. Peeta had never asked him his story and he had returned the kindness. Haymitch must have money saved up because his wagon was usually loaded down with goods but beyond that he actually knew surprisingly little about him. 

Perhaps that made it doubly foolish then that he was counting on the old guy to bring him back a bride. He had mentioned the lack of a lady friend several times and advised Peeta to take on an Indian woman but he had declined. He wanted a proper wife to share his home with and he wanted children. He knew most white men weren’t opposed to having a few with a squaw but Peeta knew how cruel the world could be and he didn’t want to do harm to a little one by bringing it into society in such a disadvantageous way. 

Instead, Peeta had sent a sack full of hard coin with a drunk and trusted him to go halfway across the country with it and bring him back a woman who would be willing to become his wife sight unseen. He just hoped his trust in the man hadn’t been misplaced. Not that stealing from him could be the only cause for the delay. He had no idea what all Haymitch needed to accomplish before returning. It could have taken a considerable amount of time to locate a suitable female. He could also have encountered bad weather or even an untimely death. Perhaps Peeta would never know and he would spend the remainder of his days tending his animals and talking to himself. 

He recalled his last conversation with Haymitch before he left. “Any special kind of gal I’m expected to be bring’in fer ya?” He had asked, merriment dancing in his voice. Peeta considered the question seriously despite the humor with which it had been asked. “Well if I was able to choose her myself she would be tall, not quite as much as me but tall for a woman with long legs.” Haymitch laughed but Peeta wasn’t willing to give up the fantasy. He recalled Madge, his boyhood crush and the girl he would likely have married if everything hadn’t changed. She was the only real reference he had for love and beauty.

“Deep blue eyes and blonde hair” He continued closing his eyes. “Upbeat and high energy and always singing and smiling. She should be able to read so that she can teach our children. She needs to be Christian too of course and have been raised right. I sent you quite a bit of money for a dowry and lots of families aren’t as well off as they used to be so you should be able to find someone. Just make sure she has some grace and refinement. I know life out here is tough but I would only be expecting her to do the household chores and now that the slaves are free I bet women are doing those anyway.”

Haymitch was shaking his head. “What kind of fool think’in is go’in on in yer head?” he asked. “What you need is a tough gal who can come out and help ya make a go of it. Ain’t no southern belle ever go’in to be happy liv’in in a one room cabin out on the plains. She’s go’in to want a proper house with other women folk round. I’m tell’in ya you’d have better luck with an Injun woman or a newly freed one.”

When Peeta declined the suggestion again Haymtich had grumbled but taken the sack. “I know I can’t have it all” Peeta admitted. “Looks aren’t that important. If you can find a good woman who is willing to move here who comes from a decent family, can read and knows her numbers that would be great.” The old man agreed although he didn’t look happy about it. 

Now Peeta wished that he had included one more thing on this list: age. He had mentioned his desire for children before so he was confident that Haymitch realized that she would need to be at least young enough to have a son or two with him. But she could be quite a bit older than his 26 years and still be in her child bearing years. He would love her even if she was 40 of course but it seemed unlikely that there would still be maids of that many years willing to take a husband so easily who remained untouched. He would also prefer her not to be too young. Men married women as young as 16 all the time but he wasn’t sure he would feel comfortable bedding a girl who had so recently started her courses without even courting her first. 

He shrugged his shoulders. It was no matter. He had no choice in it now anyways. If Haymitch returned with a woman for him he would marry her and give her the best life that he could. He looked at the chair across from him. Soon she would be sitting in it and glancing at him shyly. He would order bolts of cloth and she would make dresses for herself and maybe curtains for the cabin as well. Perhaps a table cloth too. He recalled his mother appreciating such things but then quickly turned his thoughts away from her. 

He turned to see the fireplace. They would sit in front of it during long winters and he would entertain her with stories and she would read from the Bible. Once he had some help he could catch up on the work and have time to take her to Church on Sunday. She would meet other ladies there and on occasion they would visit neighboring farms too. She would be happy here. He knew it. He would do everything possible to make her happy. 

He knew he should get back to work but instead he removed his boots and dirty shirt and laid down on the top of his bed. He turned and laid a hand on the empty spot beside him. He loved her already and he would earn her love in return. She would be skittish at first. Every woman was on her wedding night. But he would be gentle and would show her how good it could be. He had been a charming lad in his youth and he was confident that there was not a lady that he couldn’t win over. He could only hope that his limited knowledge would be enough to make her first time a good one. He wanted it so much to be. After all, it would be his first time too and he wanted to do it as often as she would let him. 

He was a little ashamed to admit the number of nights he had laid here and imagined her and touched himself thinking about her beauty. He could almost see her pale complexion and feel the soft skin of her palm as she stroked him. He was getting hard thinking of her womanly curves and how her body would complement his own. In his mind’s eye he could see her eyes closed in pleasure and hear her sounds as she found fulfillment (or what he imagined they would sound like). He had seen a naked woman once. At least the top half of one. It was before the war when his older brother Rye had brought his girlfriend into the barn. Peeta had been young, maybe 15 and he couldn’t resist peeking over the edge of the loft to see them. He had ignored the image of Rye’s bare ass and focused solely on the breasts of the girl beneath him. 

Peeta often thought of her or of Madge when he relieved himself but soon he would have another woman to fill this thoughts and fantasies. A real flesh and blood female who would submit to his attentions and blossom under his affections. At least he hoped that she would. Of course she would. He was only medium height but he was stocky and strong and he would love her tenderly. The only thing he was worried about was his limp. Luckily, he hadn’t lost it completely, but his left leg was partially damaged due to an old injury and it didn’t function normally. Most days he no longer noticed but his new wife was going to become aware of his handicap. He prayed that she would be kind and forgiving and not judge him too harshly. 

Peeta shook the thoughts from his mind as he donned his shirt and pulled on his boots. Everything would work itself out. People were much more used to men with physical limitations and even deformities than they used to be. He began to whistle as he walked through the pasture. Haymitch would come through for him. He was confident of it. His bride to be was probably on her way to him now just dying for the moment when she could fall into his arms. 

 

With every step she took Katniss drew farther and farther from home. At first it was exhilarating. She was finally going to have a different life. But as the days passed and the scenery changed her sense of foreboding began to build. She would never see Cato again but she had no way of knowing if her soon to be husband would be any better. She prayed that he would be better. She needed him to be better. It was one thing to be the employee of an arrogant tyrant it was another thing altogether to be the property of one. 

She shouldn’t be thinking so negatively. She had no reason to assume that the man was intolerable other than the fact that he wasn’t able to find a wife by means of typical social acquaintance. However, from what she had heard that wasn’t out of the ordinary on the prairie. Men often came west first to set up a shelter and a working farm before a wife and children could be brought onto it. 

Haymitch was little help. After offering his initial description of the man when making his proposal to her he had seldom mentioned him. In fact, he hardly spoke to her at all. Most days they just road on, looking at the horizon in silence. In the evenings they talked of the land, the provisions, and the horses. During the day, Haymitch refrained from being so intoxicated that he would fall off of his horse but by the time the sun was setting he threw that caution to the wind and typically set to snoring shortly after his bottle was gone and Katniss had finished the dishes. 

When the chores were complete she would spread out her bedroll and try her best not to think about what awaited her at the end of the journey. Nearly every night she failed. What would he look like? Even more importantly, what would he smell like? She wasn’t a fool. Her betrothed was a subsistence farmer. They would be living in close quarters, probably no different than the former slave cabin she had shared with Cecilia and her children. 

She couldn’t decide if she wanted him to be old or young. On one hand, she couldn’t help but resent the idea of being married to a man who was well past his prime. At 21 she still had many child bearing years remaining and she wanted a baby. It completely terrified her but if she could offer the child the protection of being born into wedlock with a father who would care and provide, she wanted one with a desperation that surprised her. 

She had spent years trying to damp it down, this propensity to love and nurture. She hadn’t had much hope of a bright future and she would not bring a child into this world to suffer. The prospect of having something to offer had lit the flame of hope anew and she could only pray that it did not turn out to be in vain. If her husband were too far on in years he may not be able to impregnate her and he may not desire a child. Hell, for all she knew he could have been married several times prior and have a brood that was fully grown. The thought made her feel hollow inside. 

When she wasn’t busy worrying that Peeta would be too old she worried that he would be young. Men in their 20s and 30s were wild and impetuous. A man of that age may not be willing to accept her plain looks and sordid history. He might refuse to be saddled with her and then what would she do? Haymitch hadn’t seen him in months. They might arrive at the homestead to discover that he had already taken a bride. 

The clear advantage in wedding a man closer to her age would be that he would want children. He had already set up his property so he would need more hands for the fields and he would be wanting them soon. That would actually sit just fine with her if she didn’t have to go through the process of getting them. A man just starting out in life would have strength and enthusiasm for making the farm a success. But he would also have desire and stamina when it came to mating as well. 

Her thoughts focused on that more than anything else. It would be happening to her again soon and there was nothing she could do about it. He would want to use her body and it would be his right to do so. She cringed at the idea of someone like Haymitch lying atop her but at least the pain would be minimized. A man like Cato would rip her apart, punish her tender flesh whenever she wasn’t on her monthly. She couldn’t help but dwell on it and more than once she lost her supper in the grass beside her bedroll she was so worked up at the knowledge that the actions people so ironically called “love making” would be a part of her life again. It was an act that was certainly necessary for procreation but men were complete barbarians for enjoying it. 

Katniss did her best to keep her curiosity and nervous anticipation to herself but one cool morning she just couldn’t take the uncertainty anymore. She rode alongside Haymitch for several minutes before working up the courage to speak. “What is it like?” She asked. He glanced at her out of one eye. “Where we are going I mean” she clarified. “Can you tell me about it?” He nodded thoughtfully. “Yep” he answered reaching up to stroke his beard. He was silent for so long she began to wonder if it was all he would say on the matter. 

She was almost startled when he spoke again. “Corn an soy beans grow pretty well there but the main crop’s wheat. When we get closer ya will see it. Wave’in grain fields as far as yer eye can see. Most will be cut down right now, but it’ill be clear where it was grow’in. That an cattle and hogs too. Most folks out that way do one er the other. Keep livestock or work the land.” She nodded. In truth it sounded lovely. “And Mr. Mellark is a farmer, right?” she asked. It seemed an innocent way to bring him up without the appearance of digging for personal information. 

Haymitch smiled and she lowered her head to hide the blush rising on her cheeks. He knew what she was about. “Yep” he told her. “He’s got a place and a pretty good one. I would say bout 175 acres. He ain’t gett’in everything he could out of it but he ain’t fail’in neither. Needs help though. Too much work for one man.” She thought on this. It sure as hell was. She couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t hired someone or brought a relative or friend out with him. 

“He’s got some critters too” Haymitch continued. “A few head of cattle, chickens, and the damnedest horse I ever seen.” She gave him a questioning look. “This horse ya see shoulda died, I mean it should be dead. Poor thing got shot up. Prolly in one of the battles fought out that way. Managed to survive and ran away from the army. He told me one day it just showed up at his place. It was still limp’in and cry’in a lot and it wasn’t too kind on people neither. But Peeta he took that thing under his wing he did. Took it in and fixed it up and cared for it and now he’s good as new. Other than some scars nobody would ever guess the sad shape it had been in.” 

Katniss considered this. A man with that much compassion and patience with a horse couldn’t be all that bad. It was also reassuring that he had a substantial but not sprawling piece of property. He would need her help but it was doable for a single family to plant and harvest. It in combination with the animals Haymitch mentioned would certainly provide appropriately for them. She couldn’t hide the smile from her face. She wouldn’t be hungry again. 

“He got help from some of the local men” Haymitch added. “Help raise’in the barn and he done finished it last year but the house he built himself mostly. It’s a one roomer but it’s got a wood floor in it and even a real cook stove.” She looked over at him in surprise. She had expected more primitive conditions. She was certainly used to them. 

“Where is Mr. Mellark from?” she asked, trying not to sound too interested. “Don’t know” Haymitch replied. That struck her as odd. “What do you mean?” she asked. Mr. Mellark was his friend. How did he not know where he had come from? “He’s never mentioned it” Haymitch said offhandedly. “Definitely somewhere in the south though judge’in by his accent.” Katniss had to laugh a little at that comment as Haymitch’s was much thicker than her own. His reply worried her though. He had complimentary things to say about Mr. Mellark but how well did he really know him? 

“How did you come to know Mr. Mellark?” She asked, hoping to continue the conversation. “Neighbors” Haymitch answered. “He come out here a few years back look’in to set up a farm and make a liv’in out of it. I have a cabin bout 3 miles north. I always pass his place go’in to town to buy supplies an I started stop’in in on my way there or back for a smoke or a quick bite, or sometimes even a game a cards. Over time he started talk’in bout needed a wife and I agreed to find one if I could when I was back east and now here we are.” 

“So just like that, you met this man a few times and had some quick chats and he said go get me a wife and you said ok and brought me back out here to marry him?” Her voice sounded strange even in her own ears and she was beginning to feel breathless. It just seemed so unbelievable that this man could change her life so flippantly. “Well” Haymitch said. “Wasn’t just like that. I mean, I don’t see him but every couple of weeks but he is mostly the only person I ever see so I feel like I knows him might well. He was always talk’in bout how he needed a female round. How he wanted a family to be raised on his land and how lonely he was at times. I told him that he should find a squaw but he wasn’t so keen on that idea. He wanted a nice gal from back home to marry.”

Katniss gasped. “So you brought me? He is going to be so disappointed.” The old man looked surprised. “What makes ya say that girl?” She shook her head in an effort to clear it. “If he wanted a woman from back east he likely wanted someone who is more…” she struggled to find the right words. “I don’t know…clean” she finished. “As I am sure Cato told you I have a past Haymtich and I’m not very refined and I am a field hand for heaven’s sake.” 

Haymitch seemed undeterred. “I know” he said beaming. “Yer are just what he needs. I know he might have some other idears in mind but yer young and strong and spirited. You’ll make a good partner fer him in farm’in. Yer smart and ya know how to work hard. That an yer a survivor. That’s what it takes on the prairie. Ya gots to have the will to make someth’in out out a noth’in. It might take some time fer him to git used to ya but he will see that I’m right.”

“Them pretty looks ain’t go’in to hurt neither” he told her with a grin. She shook her head. “You are being ridiculous. I certainly hope you didn’t pick me for my appearance because Mr. Mellark is likely to believe you are blind if you tell him that.” He cocked an eyebrow at her. “I’m short” she explained. “Short and small and plain.” He had the audacity to laugh at her insecurity. “They may be on the small side, but you’ve curves in all the right places and I’m sure Peeta ain’t go’in to have no trouble see’in that.”

She blushed and road on ahead of him. He was an old fool anyway. She was positive that Mr. Mellark was starved for female attention so she was sure that he would bed her but he would not find her lovely or beautiful for she wasn’t. Hopefully his appearance, hygiene, and manners would prove tolerable too. It may not be a love match but she was sure that working the homestead together they could find common ground and perhaps maybe even a solid partnership over time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Peeta and Haymitch are on the same page in terms of bringing a woman to Kansas to be Peeta's wife but they don't agree about who would be a good fit to fill the role. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) Peeta is not there to make the decision. 
> 
> Haymitch has the best of intentions but is he setting them up for success or failure? 
> 
> Peeta seems to have an idea of what he wants but does he even know enough about women and relationships to know what that is? (he is pretty green)
> 
> Katniss has a range of mixed emotions and desires but how much of it is grounded in the situation that is actually unfolding versus bad past experiences?
> 
> It is pretty darn interesting and it is only going to become more so when our couple to be comes face to face in the next chapter.


	3. Face to Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the end of a long journey for Katniss and a long wait for Peeta they come face to face with each other for the first time. The trouble is that neither is what the other one was expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million to everyone who has been leaving me comments and feedback. Your support makes it so much easier to keep writing. 
> 
> As always I do not own the Hunger Games and all that jazz.

It was the hottest day that Peeta could ever recall falling so late in the year. Summer had already passed for heaven’s sake. Still, he had to wipe the sweat from his brow as he rounded the barn. Another week of endless chores. It wasn’t that he minded working hard, he had always enjoyed striving for things that he loved and valued. The trouble was that as time went on he enjoyed the farm less and less for the sake of itself. He had come out here partially to run from his past but also to realize a dream. But that fantasy had starred a family on his piece of land, not the constant isolation that had been his nearly sole reality over the past 3 years. 

He had nearly despaired of ever seeing Haymitch again. Poor old guy, he probably died of illness or Indian attack along the way. He drew a bucket from the well, stripped of his shirt and began washing his face and chest in the cool water. A sense of amazing relief fell over him and he closed his eyes at the sensation. When he opened them he had to blink a few times and shake the water to clear his vision. He couldn’t decide if the horses riding towards him were real or a desperate figment of his imagination. The sound of hooves convinced him of the former. 

He brought his hand up to shield his eyes and squinted, trying his best to make out the figures. The one on the right wore a large cowboy hat and was hunched over just slightly. That was Haymitch alright. His breath caught in his chest. He couldn’t see the face of the second rider but he could make out the shape of a bonnet and it was also obvious that this rider was the smaller of the two. It was a woman. Haymitch had found her, he had brought him back a wife!

Peeta was so awestruck by the thought that he failed to notice his state of undress and simply walked out to meet them in a daze. He needed to speak to them and hear their voices in return to validate their and his existence. Even when they were still at a distance he heard Haymitch call his name in greeting and he returned it with a wave. He ought to have more manners but as they drew near he couldn’t help but stare at the woman. Curiosity had gotten the better of him and he wanted a good look at her. 

“Well, Peeta boy” Haymtich said with a hearty laugh. “I brought someone fer ya ta meet but I think it might be best if ya finish clean’in up first.” It was only then that he remembered that he had been washing before lunch and hurried to throw his shirt back on muttering an apology. It only enhanced the old man’s amusement all the more. The bonnet clad visitor remained silent. 

Beneath the cover of her hat Katniss stared out at him with wide eyes. He wasn’t what she was expecting at all. For one thing he was naked. For another he was young. He was probably just a few years her senior. He was also muscular and handsome. His shoulders were thick and broad and his chest was covered with a sprinkling of blonde hair that darkened a little as it trailed down his defined abs and narrow waist and disappeared into his work trousers. His face had been tanned by the sun but she could tell that he had once been fair and his hair was curly and nearly bleached by the exposure it had likely received throughout the summer. 

She began to panic inside. Something was wrong with this man. Something was really wrong. So many men had been killed in the war and so many more badly wounded. A young man who was sound of body and mind was difficult to come by. She noted that he had a slight limp but it did not seem to impair him. A man like this would be in hot pursuit by any number of eligible females. But then she glanced around her. This was not like home. There were much fewer women out west and they had seen only scattered farms over the past few days. She guessed that Haymitch’s story could be plausible. That the picture of masculine perfection that stood before her could be in need of a wife and had little choice but to send a friend to fetch one. 

She glanced up at the house. It appeared to be well constructed. The barn door was open and she could hear the sound of animals and see bales of hay stacked in rows. The property was as Haymitch had described it. Mr. Mellark had returned after donning a shirt and he was looking up at her expectantly. He did appear eager to greet them. Perhaps she would find a place here. It could be the first good break she had received since the war began.

A spark of hope emboldened her and she accepted his offer and let him swing her to the ground. His hands were large and warm and they felt foreign on her hips, but not unpleasant. He introduced himself with the upmost courtesy and offered to show her the house but when she turned to fully look at him and pulled her bonnet back she could see his enthusiasm for her arrival evaporate. 

Peeta was pleased that she had nodded when he reached to help her from the horse but she was far too easy to lift. She couldn’t weight more than 100 pounds. When he set her down the top of her head didn’t even come to his chin. He couldn’t help but feel a jolt of disappointment. Madge had been tall for a woman and although he had never seen them he was sure her legs were long and he had fantasized about them often. He tried to shake it off. A female with more curve than this one would have been preferable, but it would be fine. She was here and he wasn’t alone anymore. That was the only issue of real consequence. He wasn’t a shallow man and he was sure she had many other admirable qualities and he was eager to get to know her and discover them. 

That was until she removed her bonnet and he had the chance to get a better look at her. Her hair was dark as night and matted with dirt and grime. Her face was reasonably clean but darker than any well-bred woman’s should be. He couldn’t tell the color of her eyes but he could see the guarded and weary expression in them. She wasn’t going to be friendly with him and the way her brow formed an instant scowl told him that she was not often if ever joyful. He dropped his graze, concerned that his disapproval would show and when he did he saw that her dress was ancient and her feet were bare. They did not appear to be scrapped or damaged. She was accustomed to them being that way. His gaze shifted to her hands. Even from a couple of feet away he could see that they were deeply tanned and thick with callous. Her nails were short and one had recently been ripped almost completely off. This woman was no lady. She was also far too young, just a girl really. She wouldn’t be ready to share his bed within the week.

He motioned around the farm quickly explaining how the property was laid out and naming the structures that it was completely obvious were there. It was no matter, she hung her head and stared at the ground and he was confident that she could not see them anyway. It was awkward and Peeta was anxious to end it. When he was through with his brief verbal tour he excused himself and requested that Haymitch join him in the barn for a minute to take care of the horses. Katniss remained for a moment feeling small and irrelevant and more ashamed of her appearance and circumstances than she had been in years. Her body seemed stiff and robotic as she forced it to execute the movements she needed to follow them so that she could listen from just outside the door. 

“Haymitch, are you crazy?” she could hear Mr. Mellark saying in a loud whisper. She wanted to curl up and die. He didn’t want her. Of course he didn’t want her. He was a handsome man with means and property. Why would he marry a discarded vagrant? “Now listen here boy” Haymitch responded in his typical drawl. “That gal out there is exactly what ya be need’in. She’s tough and she cooks and she actually knows how ta farm.” She could hear Mr. Mellark pacing. “But Haymitch…she’s…dirty. I mean she isn’t a lady. You saw her, she looks like a field hand. She is awful dark too. Are you sure she is even completely a white woman?” 

It was all Katniss could bare to listen to. She turned and through burning tears that she refused to shed began to walk towards the open prairie. She should never have come here. She wouldn’t have if she had been given another choice. His rejection wouldn’t hurt so much if Haymitch hadn’t led her to believe that he was a good man. He had fed her lies and nurtured the hope inside of her that things could actually be different. She wouldn’t make that mistake again. 

She knew that her olive skin wasn’t attractive but she had never had someone accuse her of being bi-racial. Not that she would be ashamed to be. Cecelia was by far a better human being than Cato or Mr. Mellark. It was just the way that he had said it, like she were next to nothing to him. How could Haymitch have believed that he would want to bed her and make her his wife? He would be disappointed that it had not worked out she knew. He may be misguided but he hadn’t set her up on purpose. Perhaps Mr. Mellark would even refuse to buy the horse from him. Serves him right for having such dastardly friends. 

It was partially the old man’s fault anyway. He hadn’t given her a single chance along the way to take a proper bath or wash her hair. He had continually insisted that they keep moving and always at a steady pace. She looked down. Her dress was hideous and she smelled poorly too. She tried to see it from Mr. Mellark’s perspective and give him some grace but she failed. She realized that Haymitch had turned up with her and surprised him and that she looked affright. She also knew that even under the very best circumstances that she wasn’t attractive and had very little to offer. Still, she couldn’t imagine treating another human being the way he had acted towards her. 

She might as well let it go. She would never see him again. She just hoped that she would find some kind of shelter or big tree to climb before nightfall. Now that she was out west it shouldn’t be impossible for her to find work. The homesteads were spread out but they were numerous and she was positive she would find someone to hire her in the coming weeks. She did her best to focus on the positive but it was difficult after what had happened just a few short hours ago. He hadn’t wanted her. She shouldn’t care but she did. She wouldn’t give in to weakness. She would keep fighting. She would never admit even to herself how much she had wanted him to smile at her and let her in. 

 

Haymtich loved the kid but he couldn’t help but want to punch him in the face as he heard the girl run away. Peeta, he noticed, was too distraught to even hear her. If she were any other female she would be going into the house to cry but she wasn’t just any run of the mill “lady” as Peeta called them. She was headed out on her own and her face wasn’t wet at all. That was one of the reasons Haymitch worried about her so much. She was too tough, too calloused for one so young. 

Haymitch started towards the door. “Wait” Peeta called to him a bit startled. “Where are you going?” Haymitch turned on him. “Off with my own kind” he spat back. “I can see folks like me an Katniss ain’t welcome here no more.” He could see the kid was scared. That he had no idea the boundaries he had crossed by speaking about her in that way. “What?” he sputtered. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just… she isn’t like Madge at all and I need a good mother for my kids and she looks too young Haymitch. I don’t think I would feel right you know… demanding my…husband rights from her.” 

Haymitch let out a long breath. He couldn’t believe all of the fathering he was having to do for this fool boy. He needed to relax. If he did maybe Peeta would calm down too. He sat down and got out his pipe. “Well” he said after a couple of puffs. “Then don’t. I don’t think she’d take to ya demand’in noth’in from her anyway.” Peeta looked confused. “So you don’t think I should marry her?” he questioned. Haymitch shook his head. “That ain’t what I said but I ain’t sure ya even got that choice now. What I mean is ya don’t demand a woman to yer bed ya got to woo her, ya know, court her some. If yer gentle and take care with her I promise ya boy she’s plenty old enough. I think she’s proly bout yer age giv’er take a few.”

He took several moments trying to form the right words to explain Katniss to him. Peeta could sense that he wanted to say more and came to sit next to him. “I know ya think ya want some gal from a fancy house but look round ya. This is a hard life out here and ya need a gal who can hold her own. Katniss can do that. Ya also need a gal who needs ya back and that she does boy. She needs ya in spades.” He could see the younger man’s expression soften as he stopped to consider it. 

“I was on my way back when I found her. I was visit’in my nephew Cato who is prolly bout as upstanding as a cowboy in a whore house. She was fight’in with im bout wages. He had all the power but still. She stood on that porch and gave him what for and he deserved that an more. She was share cropp’in for im and he was slight’in the workers. Everyone else was too afraid so she came all by her lonesome and fought fer what was right.” Peeta could hear the admiration in the old man’s voice and he couldn’t help but be impressed too. 

“What happened?” Peeta asked. “He hurt her and kicked her out without a thing to her name. I was scared fer the gal. She’s all by herself in the world an I knew someone would take advantage of her. I rode up to her camp and she’s in this tree an I got her to come down an she went and looked at me with those scared and determined eyes and she jus seemed so darn wary ya know. So beat’in and tired like. An ya know who I thought of? Yer dern horse. How ya said it looked when it came to ya.” Peeta looked skeptical. 

“There’s lots a good in there” Haymitch told him. “Ya jus gotta pull back them layers and find it. She ain’t jus a field hand I noticed. She can ride and right well. She knows hows to read and work her figures too.” That caught Peeta’s attention. He tried to conjure her face in his mind but he couldn’t recall it with clarity. He walked outside to find her but she was nowhere in sight. “Where is she?” he asked aloud. “Runed off” Haymitch said walking out to join him. “She took off when she saw she wasn’t good nough for the likes of ya.”

Peeta had a sinking feeling in his gut and he took a few minutes to hate himself. He had been rude to her. He had hurt a poor innocent girl who had traveled hundreds of miles just to meet him. His mother’s face came up in his mind. Her judgmental ways and superior attitude had reared up inside of him. He shook the thought away. He wasn’t like her. “Where would she go?” he asked. “Don’t know” Haymitch responded, wiping his chin. “She ain’t got no one, didn’t take no provisions. Couldn’t have gotten none too far on foot.”

Peeta’s guilt was growing by the minute. She was small and unarmed on the prairie and it was all his damned fault. He saddled up his horse. Haymitch came up just as he mounted. “I’m guess’in she went that way” he said motioning to the west. “Why?” Peeta asked. “Cause she ain’t never been there before” Haymitch responded with confidence. “And boy” he added Peeta rode away. “When ya pull back them layers I reckon yer gonna find some of them curves ya been dream’in bout too.” His smile made Peeta color with embarrassment and he just managed a nod before taking off after her. 

Two hours passed and he was nearly sick with worry. Haymitch had said to head west but that didn’t make any sense. She was much more likely to return to one of the farms that they had passed along the way. She wouldn’t have continued, there was no way of knowing what lay beyond his place. But after retracing the path they would have traveled to reach him and checking Haymitch’s cabin he had no choice but to see if she was as brave and headstrong as the old man seemed to think. 

The longer he rode the more he thought of her and the more he thought of her the more he confronted the stark reality of their situation. Haymitch had returned. He had returned with this girl which meant that there was no chance that anyone else was coming. If he turned her away he would be alone another winter and who knows how long after that. He shuddered at the thought of long hours trapped in his cabin. After a time, even his visits to the barn to talk to his horse were barely enough to maintain his sanity. He didn’t think he could live through it again. 

He contemplated her position as well. She had no belongings, no horse, no place to live. She knew no one in the area and it didn’t sound like she could go back where she came from. He wondered about her family. He wouldn’t think of turning her out, she would likely starve or be attacked by animals or a man. Peeta couldn’t stand that thought. She was short and petite and she certainly wasn’t his type but she was still a young vulnerable woman and no Indian, cowboy, or newly freedman would shy away from bedding her, some of them whether she was willing or not. 

By the time he had finished considering both sides of the coin he was convinced that he needed to persuade her to stay. Given their circumstances they were both in a position to fill the need of the other and they would get used to each other in time. The only trouble was, after he had been so inconsiderate this morning he wasn’t sure he would be able to bring her around to agreement. He sighed. He wouldn’t force her. He was sure another man in the area would be willing to take her if she weren’t agreeable to marrying him and he would give her that option as well. Haymitch could act as a chaperone for a night or two until Sunday when they could meet with the preacher. They could be married then if she was willing to accept him and if she wasn’t he could find a woman during services that she could stay with until another husband could be found. 

Yes, that is what he would do. He would lay out his proposal and ask her to stay. He knew with certainty that marrying him would be a better option than taking a chance with someone else but she may believe differently because he had insulted her. He scanned the horizon again. He would find a way to convince her, but first he had to find her and that was proving to be a very challenging task.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not Peeta's finest hour and he really screwed up. He is a person though and this was a big disappointment for him. He was a total idiot but I give him credit for recognizing and admitting to it quickly and going after her. 
> 
> Poor Katniss, this girl cannot catch a break. What did you think about her reaction to Peeta?
> 
> Also, we get to hear some thoughts from Haymitch as well which was nice. 
> 
> I look forwarding to reading all of your thoughts and comments. 
> 
> In the next chapter: we get to see what happens when Peeta finds Katniss and how that confrontation plays out.


	4. Making the Case

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Peeta catches up with Katniss he has some persuading to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who is following the story. I hope that you enjoy getting to know these characters as I enjoy getting to know all of you from your awesome thoughts and comments. I look forward to reading each and every one.

By the time he found her she was completely exhausted and just hoping to find a place to drop into unconsciousness. She almost didn’t believe what she was seeing as she turned and saw him riding up on his horse. Why had he come after her? She took in a deep breath and let it out again. She couldn’t bring herself to care what his motivation had been. She had been riding all day for weeks and sleeping on the cold hard ground at night. The journey had been long and the physical and emotional strain of the events earlier today were starting to take a heavy toll. She looked up at him stupidly and all she could think was that he was handsome and that she wanted him to take her someplace safe. For just one night in her life she wanted someone to care for her. When the full realization of that hit her she let her eyes fall to the ground. That was never going to happen and he certainly wasn’t the right man to expect kindness from. 

Peeta could see the lifelessness in her expression and demeanor. She hadn’t believed that he would pursue her. She had given up hope in him. He thought of the distance she had traveled with only Haymitch as a companion. She was just tired that’s all. This dissociated state she seemed to walk around in would not be permanent. At least he sure hoped that it wouldn’t. He dismounted and removed his hat. If he was going to turn things around with her he had to start acting like a gentleman. 

“Katniss…” he started and then realized that it wasn’t proper for him to call her by her given name. “I mean, ma’am…I’m sorry. It was rude the way I treated you and I’m not usually like that. I just didn’t expect Haymitch today and some part of me never thought he would bring anyone back and you weren’t what I was expecting and…I was just surprised that’s all.” He looked to her for a response but she just stood and stared at him. 

“Kat…ma’am, I think you should come back with me now. It won’t be long before its dark and it can be dangerous out here.” She shook her head. “No thank you” she said her voice much stronger and clearer than he expected from the looks of her. The refusal took him by surprise. “What I mean to say is, that if you would accompany me back it would be my pleasure. I want you to come back home with me.” That sounded more awkward than he wanted it to but he realized that it was the truth now that he had said it aloud. “No, Mr. Mellark” she insisted. “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

“Why not?” he said before he thought better of it. “Because I don’t want to owe you anything that I cannot repay” she answered honestly. She surprised him again. It was common courtesy for men to offer women protection and assistance when they were in need. He didn’t recall the females of his youth being concerned about reciprocity to men who gave them attention in any way. “Why did you run?” he asked rather than address the issue of repayment. “And if you were taking off why did you do it on foot when you had a perfectly good horse? We hadn’t brought yours into the barn yet.” 

Her gaze held steady despite her obvious fatigue. “It isn’t my horse” she explained. “Haymitch purchased her for the purposes of my delivery to you and expected the expense to be covered. You clearly aren’t interested in me, hence why I decided to leave so the horse either belongs to you if you agreed to reimburse him despite the fact that I was an ill-considered choice or it still belongs to Haymitch. Whatever you may think of me Mr. Mellark, I am not a criminal.”

Peeta had learned an immense amount about Katniss in the last several minutes. First of all, she had an education and communicated well. Secondly, she processed the world as a working man did. She knew the value of an animal and understood the rights of ownership. She was honest and proud and he respected her for it. He also knew that she had heard every word that he had said and he regretted it immensely. 

He took a deep breath. “You came out here to marry me didn’t you?” he asked. She nodded. “Yes” she answered. “Haymitch said that you were in need of help around the farm, that it was too much work for one person.” Peeta took a moment to process that. “Did he also tell you that I’m in need of children to carry my name and help me expand it some day?” It was a very forward thing to mention but he needed to be sure that she understood completely. Some color came back into her cheeks and she broke eye contact with him. “He did” she said somewhat quieter and he found it endearing. 

“Did you want to come here?” he asked because he needed to know. Her jaw tightened and she lifted her chin in defiance once again. “It has nothing to do with you personally, but if I had another choice I would not have come.” He nodded. He had assumed that was the case. It had been his plan to offer to find another place for her. Provide assistance in locating another man to marry whom she might be more amenable to or a home with another woman who needed some help. But now that she was standing in front of him all courageous and young, her eyes filled with resistance he couldn’t bring himself to actually say the words. 

“I’m sorry Miss…” he still didn’t know her proper name. “Everdeen” she supplied with a wince. “But no one calls me that so you can just call me Katniss.” He wanted to call her that but it still seemed disrespectful. “I’m sorry Miss Katniss” he continued. “Not just about forgetting my manners but for the things I said about you. Like I said, I was in shock. I certainly didn’t intend for you to hear them and I didn’t mean them. I would still like to marry if you are willing.” 

Her shoulders were still set and he knew what her response would be and it was crazy. “I don’t wish to marry you anymore Mr. Mellark” she stated. With that she turned and started walking towards the horizon again. “Miss Katniss wait” he said following her and grabbing her arm. It was a gentle grip that broke easily when she turned on him. “Don’t you dare touch me” she screamed and he jumped back in alarm. Her eyes were wide and her chest rising and falling quickly. She wasn’t just angry with him, he had really frightened her. 

“I’m sorry” he said again. He knew he sounded like an idiot repeating himself over and over but he didn’t know what else to say to her. “I can’t just let you go. Something could happen to you.” She rolled her eyes despite the alarm she was clearly feeling. “I have been taking care of myself for quite some time Mr. Mellark and I am sure I will be fine. Any fate is better than being wed to a man who I am not appealing to in the slightest.” She turned and started on her way again.

“Katniss” he pleaded practically running to keep up with the brisk pace that she set. “Katniss…please.” It was the tone of his voice that made her stop and look back at him. “Listen…I really want you to stay. I’m asking you to…I guess I am begging you to. Like you heard me say earlier, you aren’t what I was picturing but Haymitch is right that we could make a go of it. I just wasn’t being practical. You know how to farm right?” She nodded cautiously. “I need help and I would give you the best I have of everything. Haymitch said you had been share cropping and he told me what you went through. That would actually fit my situation really well. You would already know what to do.” 

It was her turn to be surprised. She had suspected that Cato had told the old man about her past but she hadn’t expected him to tell Mr. Mellark right away or for him to be so understanding about it. As for her knowing what to do, she didn’t, but she was sure that nothing of much skill was required. He could see that she was wavering, really considering his request. He reached out and took her hand. It was rough and dirty but he was pleased with how much smaller it was than his. “The other thing is. Winters here are really bad and I get very lonely. I need someone to be with, to talk to, to share things with. I need you to be my wife so that person can be you.” 

Katniss couldn’t breathe. He was holding her hand and telling her that he needed her and she was drowning in those deep blue eyes. She should say no. He didn’t want her, he just didn’t want to be alone anymore. The cabin fever must be messing with his mind. Still, she had nowhere else to go and if he was willing to share what he had with her she was likely never going to be offered any deal better than that. She could sleep in the cabin tonight. She would have her own horse. She could work the land and actually eat from it. Those were the practical reasons why she should accept. 

But if she were honest with herself she would admit that there were other things swirling in her head as well. His hand was big and powerful and it completely surrounded hers. That normally made her afraid but he was taking care to be gentle as he touched her. Her blood was pounding in her ears as she stared back at him. Would he bed her tonight? No, there was no preacher around and she wouldn’t succumb to him until they were properly wed. She would have a least a night or two of respite before she would have to confront that awful deed. 

In the end, it was neither his possessions nor his good looks that persuaded her. It was his words and the pleading look in his eyes. He was serious, he actually needed her. No one had needed her in so long. If she could meet those needs then perhaps he would grow to accept her, like her even. She would have a home again and a place to belong. If she bore him children she would have a family. In her mind’s eye she could see the scene he had described earlier. She would work alongside him and help sow and harvest the crops. They would eat around the table and sit by the fire during long winter days and talk. 

“Alright Mr. Mellark” she heard herself say before she had even completely made up her mind. “It sounds like you need a partner and I need a farm to work on and a place to stay. I accept and I will do my upmost to meet with your approval.” Peeta gave her the most radiant smile she had ever seen but then it faded into concern. “I do need to know one thing before we make it official Katniss. I know it isn’t gentlemanly of me to ask but in this case it is important. How old are you?” She didn’t think it odd that he would want this type of basic information in the slightest. “21” she answered. “Thank God” he blurt out and she could see by the way his face reddened that he hadn’t actually meant to say it. He motioned his horse and the animal came to him immediately and nuzzled his hand. That was a good sign. A man who knew how to care for a horse may be kind to his wife as well. She could see why Haymitch was fascinated by the animal. He wasn’t particularly large but he was strong and proud and she could see the various injuries that marred his flesh. He had once been a war horse but now he was tame as a kitten. 

He mounted and offered her his hand. She hadn’t considered the logistics of how they would return and this would put them much closer together than she was comfortable with but it made sense. She reached for him and he pulled her up in front of him. She was acutely aware of the fact that she hadn’t been able to wash properly in some time and of the wall of muscle behind her. His arms encircled her as he held the reins and guided them home and the slight rocking motion mixed with the warmth of his body began to lull her to sleep. She fought it as long as she could but she just couldn’t keep her eyes open another minute. 

He felt the moment when her head fell back on his shoulder. The poor thing was completely wiped out and he held her closer. Her exhaustion concerned him more than her odor but he noticed that too. She was in need of a bath and a few days’ rest. He would see that she got both. Haymitch would be surly about having to stay on until Sunday but they needed a chaperon until he could say vows with her. His mood lightened at the thought of what would happen after that. An image flashed in his mind of her naked and reaching for him. His suddenly active imagination combined with the sway of their bodies and her soft behind had him hard and aching and he prayed that she wouldn’t awaken any time soon. 

He had helped Madge off of a carriage now and then but he had never held a woman in his arms before. He guessed that it was fitting that she be the first since she was going to be his wife. He wouldn’t have guessed her 21 but he was relieved just the same. When he had lifted her on and off the horses today he had noted that she was light as a feather. He had attributed it solely to her petite build at first but upon further consideration it may also be impacted by her diet. There was little share cropping around these parts so he was relatively unfamiliar with it but he had heard rumors about what people were facing back home. She had come with just the clothes on her back so she was clearly indigent. He added hearty meals each day to the mental list of things that she needed in order to thrive.

The bath, food, and rest he could provide right away. The purchase of new clothing would take more time. He hoped that she could sew because yards of cloth could be found at the general store. Finished dresses would have to be sent away for. He looked down at her sleeping form and smiled at the top of her head. She seemed pretty resourceful so he doubted there were many tasks that she couldn’t complete if she put her mind to it. 

When Katniss came to she felt a gentle nudge on her shoulder. Someone was saying her name softly. Cecelia must be trying to rouse her for the day. No, the voice was deeper and definitely male. It must be Haymitch eager to begin riding again. It all came back to her the moment she opened her eyes. It was nearly dark outside and not only was she on Peeta’s horse, she was also snuggled against him. She sat straight up, mortified that she had fallen asleep like that. 

If he found it strange he didn’t act like it but instead slid off the horse and lifted her down after. “We’re home” he said taking her hand. She let him lead her like a child to the hitching post where he tied off his animal before taking her into the cabin. It was spacious for a one room with a decent size bed in one corner, a sitting area by the fireplace and by the opposite wall a table and even a cook stove. She was impressed, she would no longer have to prepare every meal over an open fire. She touched a chair and then one of the bedposts as she made her way around the room. The furnishings were well made and although she wouldn’t describe the place as clean, it was not disgusting either and it would not be difficult to improve. 

He removed his hat and then went back outside before returning a short time later gripping it tightly in this hands. He looked at her and then at the door again. He appeared agitated but she could not determine the source of his anxiety. “Haymitch…he left” he said uncertainly. “We could go after him but I doubt we could reach him and bring him back here tonight.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m sure he will be alright” she answered somewhat confused as to why Peeta was concerned. “Yeah” he agreed. “He’ll be fine but I thought to have a proper chaperone here for you until we can meet the preacher on Sunday. I did not want to damage your reputation just in case you changed your mind. But one night with me here alone and you won’t have a choice but to go through with it. You would be totally compromised even if we are engaged.” 

Her head began spinning and she felt a sticky warmth inside of her. She was engaged. “Oh, come on Peeta” she answered and he decided he liked the way his name sounded coming from her lips. “The only person who knows I am here is Haymitch and I don’t really care much for my reputation one way or another. Besides, I am not going to change my mind.” Her indifferent attitude was certainly practical and it made his life easier but he was concerned what other social topics her 100% practical approach may extend to. Katniss was touched by his consideration but by his own earlier admission he knew she had no unblemished maidenhood to protect. 

Peeta took a dirty plate from the counter and left for a moment and when he returned she could see that he had washed it. He placed it on the counter and went through his storage filling it was a long strip of jerky, an apple, and two rather crude looking biscuits that she guessed were made of meal. “Sit” he said motioning to the chair. “I have a few things I need to tend to but you should eat. You need to get your strength back.” Her body obeyed his command and she barely noticed him starting a fire in the stove and adding a large kettle. He, however, noticed her every movement and his heart hurt a little as he saw her begin to scarf up the food like a starving animal before he headed out to the barn to take care of the animals for the night. 

When he returned he had a large tub in his hands and he was shocked to find that she had already hauled water and was washing his dishes. “Katniss” he said coming over and placing his hands on her shoulders. She nearly jumped out of her skin. “Whoa” he said steadying her. “I didn’t think I had snuck up on you, I’m sorry.” She shook her head even as she held a hand to her heart. “You didn’t” she confessed. “I knew you were there. I’m just not used to people touching me that way. That’s all.” It was the second time she had become jumpy as a result of even the least physical contact. It may be harder than he had originally thought to get her to bed with him. 

His expression became a frown but morphed into puzzlement when he turned to the table. She had finished only half of the plate. “Were you taking a break before you finish your supper?” he asked. “Oh no” she said. “I wasn’t going to eat your half too. I saved it for you.” He laughed until he saw the look on her face. She was being completely sincere and the gesture was very considerate. He pulled out the chair for her. “I eat a lot more than this for supper” he explained. “The land produces well and I trade for what I can’t grow. Sometimes I run short on a thing or two but generally speaking you can eat as much as you want to.” 

She returned to her seat and began to eat again but her shoulders were a bit slumped and her eyes were downcast. Although it was not his intention he had embarrassed her. He finished the dishes in silence and then gathered his own meal and set it down across from hers. She still hadn’t finished her plate. “I’m sorry” she said in a tired voice. “I know that I’m skinny and I need to eat more but I can’t. It’s too much and I’m not used to these portion sizes.” He offered her a smile. “That’s fine. Katniss I’m not angry or annoyed with you. I just wanted you to have a sound meal and to see that this will be a good home for you.”

He rose and dumped the kettle of water into the tub he had brought it. He stopped by the table and grabbed a long strip of jerky and began to chew it as he went back out and returned several times with buckets of water. “I’m sorry it won’t be that hot” he said. “But I know you are probably wanting a bath after such a long journey.” He certainly hoped that she did anyway. “Yes” she said and she couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice. He kneeled by a trunk at the foot of the bed and retrieved an item wrapped in cloth that he unfurled as he walked over to her. She couldn’t help the tears that came to her eyes. She hadn’t seen store bought soap since her mother was alive. He reached out and extended it to her. 

“I…I bought this as a welcome present for you” he said coloring in embarrassment from the intimate nature of the gift. She gave him a skeptical look. “Well” he clarified. “I bought it for the bride that I thought that Haymitch was bringing for me so I did buy it for you. I just didn’t realize that it would be you, Katniss Everdeen exactly.” The awkward articulation of his logic made her laugh and her hand flew up to her mouth as if to catch the unexpected sound. She accepted the bar and she looked like a kid in a candy shop as she lifted it to her face and inhaled the scent. It smelled of vanilla and lavender and she had never had anything so fine. 

He pulled out a rag for her to use for scrubbing and then snatched up his plate before leaving her in privacy. Her face broke out into a huge grin the moment that the door latched shut. She was going to have a real bath for the first time in years. In the summer, she could go down to the river with the other women but they only had harsh homemade soaps and they sometimes made them smell almost worse than before. Still, she preferred it over the winter months when all she could do was wash up in a small basin. 

Tonight, she sank into the tub and the water covered past her breasts with just her knees sticking out. It wasn’t hot but it was fairly warm and she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It felt heavenly to soak her sore muscles. She would have been content to spend half the night like that but as the minutes past she realized that she had no idea when Peeta was coming back and that made her heart begin to race. He had that effect on her, making her excited for no reason at all. Quickly but thoroughly she washed her body and then her hair and rinsed them. 

She felt humiliated by how dirty the water was but she didn’t think that she could lift the tub to empty it on her own. She would certainly try though. It was only after she had stepped out and dried herself on a blanket he had left her that she realized that she had no clothes to put on. She looked at her soiled trail dress. She couldn’t stand to return it to her gleaming and beautifully scented skin. She went to the trunk and although it felt like an invasion of privacy she supposed this was now pretty much her home too. It was filled with his clothing and she selected a pair of pants and a button up work shirt but quickly found that only the top was needed as it fell below her knees and there wasn’t even a prayer that his trousers would fit her. 

She used her fingers to comb out her hair and braided it before returning to attempt to drag the tub outside. It wouldn’t budge. She tried again and again straining her arms and back but to no avail. He knocked but she didn’t hear him over her struggle. He waited a couple more minutes until he felt that she had been duly warned and when he stepped inside and saw her his heart nearly stopped. Her olive skin was slightly flushed by the scrubbing and her exertions. Her hair was held back in a wet braid and he could see that it was very dark, nearly black. The room smelled fantastic and Christ almighty she was wearing his shirt. The hardness in his pants returned with a vengeance. 

Her frame was petite and he was a head taller but the moisture of her bath caused the fabric to cling to her feminine curves. Damn but Haymitch was right. She definitely had them. For a few moments he just stood there a fantasy of laying her by the fire and unbuttoning that shirt to reveal every inch of her playing in his mind. The shy look she gave him only added to her essence of vulnerability and he felt both the impulse to protect her and to claim her innocence. It was her voice that broke him out of his revelry. “I was trying to empty my water” she explained and he shook his head to clear it. “No problem” he said with an equally shy smile. “I’ve got it.” 

Her fear that he would find the filth in the tub appalling was unfounded because he barely glanced at it as he easily hefted it up and dumped it in the yard. For some reason his show of strength caused a tingling at the tips of her chest and she had the impulse to rub the juncture between her legs as well. When he had returned the tub to the barn he found her sitting by lamplight at the kitchen table. “I just wanted to check and make sure there was nothing else you needed” he said. “Where are you going?” she asked in confusion. “I’m going to sleep in the barn tonight” he told her. “Oh, no” she replied. “You don’t have to give up your bed because of me. I’m used to sleeping outside when I need to.” He smiled again giving another shake of his head. “Katniss” he scolded. “You’re my fiancé. It’s my job to love and care for you and even if it wasn’t I would never make a lady sleep in the barn.” “I thought you said I wasn’t a lady” she observed with quiet strength. He got up to leave but before he walked out he turned to her “I was wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeta had some groveling to do but he at least convinced her to come back and give him a chance. 
> 
> He also gets his first chance to actually start to get to know her and vice versa. Katniss has a lot of needs at this point but she also brings a lot of value to the table and he is starting to see that. 
> 
> Also, I like that Haymitch totally abandoned them on purpose. 
> 
> At this point the decision to marry is mostly based on practical considerations by both of them but there is some chemistry there as well so we will see how all of this evolves along the way.


	5. Figuring Things Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta have different ideas about what her role should be on the farm. He sees what an asset she is, but does she really want to stay and belong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A great big thank you to everyone who is reading a leaving me feedback. I didn't think I was going to be able to make an update this week but I was able to pull it out. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter that covers her first couple of days on the farm. 
> 
> Leave me your thoughts and comments because I love reading them!

Katniss crawled in bed and inhaled deeply. The bed smelled like him. It felt very intimate; her sleeping between his sheets and her full knowledge of his scent. It should bother her but it didn’t. She was exhausted but she was also clean, well fed and probably the safest she had been since the war started. She was asleep in a matter of minutes. 

It took a lot longer for Peeta to find his rest. The events of the day kept replaying in his mind as he stretched out in the hay of the loft. She was here. She had finally arrived and he wouldn’t be alone anymore. She would come to appreciate him. He would see that she did. It wouldn’t even be that difficult of a job. She was a fair woman and one that valued honesty and respect. He would show her both and she would admire him. He would keep her well fed and provided for and she would want for nothing. He hoped that she would eventually come to love him but if she didn’t he could settle for her companionship and physical affection. 

Marital relations would be immensely pleasurable for both of them and they would lead to love one way or another when she bore his children. He couldn’t wait to see if they would be dark like her or fair and blond like him. He pictured a little boy with his broad shoulders and Katniss’s deep brunette hair. He was going to have a family again and he would give them all he was and all he had in the world. There were two more days until Sunday and then they could get started. 

He knew that she wouldn’t be as eager for the mating as he was but he was hoping that she would not dread it either. He wished to lay with her even after she conceived. It was a perfectly natural way for a husband and wife to bond together and he had thought of little else since seeing her flashing and defiant eyes on the open prairie today. He tossed and turned a couple more hours due to the knowledge that she was laying in his bed until he finally broke down and relieved himself. The memories of Madge and of Rye’s girlfriend faded from his mind and were replaced by a dark braid and olive toned legs peeking out beneath his shirt. He felt a little guilty taking his pleasure from thoughts of her but he supposed it would be even worse to focus on a woman who wasn’t to become his wife in a matter of days. 

Sun was streaming through the windows when she awoke the next morning and Peeta was wandering about the kitchen fixing breakfast. She could see dirt on his boots and sweat stains on his shirt. He had already been up and around for a while working on the farm. She groaned and pushed herself up to a sitting position and he smiled at her. Damn, why was he always smiling and when did she start thinking of his as Peeta and not Mr. Mellark?

“Good Morning” he said dishing up some eggs and giving the flapjacks one last flip. She looked for her dress on the floor and saw that it was gone. Her eyes went wide. “I took your dress out and washed it earlier” he explained. “It’s hanging on the line.” She nodded. She was surprised he would demean himself by doing women’s chores, especially for someone whom he had paid to bring here to do exactly such things. “My apologies” she said wrapping the blanket around her and plodding to the table. “For what?” he asked sitting down and taking a big bite. “For the laundry” she said. “That is my work and I should be doing it.”

He waved his hand dismissively. “It was nothing. I had a few things that needed to be put out too. I won’t ever mind helping with the wash or anything else around the house. I’m used to doing anything that needs done.” She smiled, more to herself than to him. Not because she didn’t intend to take over the domestic chores because she did but because he didn’t consider her work beneath him. “I want you to rest today” he continued. “I have a lot to do but I’ll be back tonight and tomorrow I will take you out on a ride to look at the place. Haymitch tells me that you are pretty competent on a horse.” She nodded. 

“I am but I won’t be needing a tour Peeta” she said confidently. “I’ll see it when I’m out there working with you. There is plenty to keep me busy around the house today but come sun up I fully intend to do my half of the chores.” He sputtered trying to form a suitable response before she cut him off. “I know what it cost you to waste half the day yesterday looking for me and you won’t get anything done on Sunday because we will have to go to see the preacher.” 

He leveled a steady gaze at her. “I’m a farmer” she told him. “I haven’t gotten a chance to work my own land yet but I know what’s involved in keeping a place running. I know the sweat and the endless hours. That’s why I am here, to take some of that burden off of you.” He reached over and laid a hand on hers. “I appreciate that Katniss but I didn’t send Haymitch to fetch you so that you could be my field hand. You’re my woman. I want you to have comfort and some leisure at times too.”

She considered this. “Ok” she agreed. “But only if you do too.” He looked confused. “I’ll work alongside you and we will share this house and everything in it. When the chores are done we can come back and relax. Eventually, we will get caught up on the work and then we should be able to take services on Sundays as well. When we have down time in the winter, we can visit and work on the household crafts.” 

It was not what he originally had in mind but what she was describing had appeal. The more he thought about it throughout the day the more he smiled. She didn’t want to tend to the cabin and he to the farm. She wanted to do things together. She wanted a true partnership. He laughed to himself. If she was willing to extend that to every arena of their relationship he was certainly game. 

As the day drug on his smile began to fade. He was getting further and further behind and it was nearly dark before he agreed to call it quits. He wasn’t even sure she would still be awake. The night had grown chilly and when she came to the door he felt a flood of warmth as he stepped in. He looked around the house. Everything had been scrubbed clean. There was a fire blazing in the hearth and the smell of meat wafted through the air. 

She pulled out a chair for him. “Why don’t you take off your boots” she said and he realized that he was tracking in on her newly cleaned floor. “Sorry” he said remorsefully. “Bad habits I guess.” She didn’t seem angry or annoyed as he removed them and put them by the door. He watched her as she placed the remaining biscuits on plates and served up the soup that was cooking on the stove. Once he got a good look at it he determined that it was more like a stew. He took a few bites and moaned in approval which he noticed caused her to blush. “This is great. The meat tastes very fresh.”

She continued to stir hers and blew on it a couple of times before taking her first sip. “Yes” she said. “I found a few of traps in your barn today and it didn’t take but a couple of hours to catch it.” He raised his eyebrows. He almost could not believe she was true. “There was never enough money for meat once the Yankees came” she explained. “For a while we went hungry before I found Papa’s and started to make good use of them. I had to be more careful once I left home. Most folks don’t approve of others setting traps on their land.” 

He studied her for a moment. He was starting to see what had convinced Haymitch to bring her. She was a survivor and she had the potential not just to make it out here in the west but to really thrive. She had donned her dress again even though it was stained beyond repair and tattered at the bottom. It was a shame that she would have to be married in it but he saw no other alternative given their limited timeline. He caught himself appraising her profile as she ate. Her face was much prettier than he had originally thought now that she was clean but he couldn’t stop himself from wishing that her bosom was larger. He gave himself a mental kick. She was a good person (at least from what he had seen so far) and her chest size shouldn’t matter. 

“You did a great job cleaning the house up today” he said and she laughed. “What?” he asked. “What is so funny?” She rolled her eyes. “You, complimenting me on doing my housework. Don’t you think it would be strange if I said good job working on the farm today Peeta?” Her face was still amused. “No” he said with a grin. “I think I would like to get compliments from you. It’s normal for a man to thank is wife for trying her best to care of him. Hasn’t anymore ever told you good job before?” His intention was to continue the playful mood but he saw his mistake as her face formed a frown and her brow knit in concern and contemplation. “No” she answered honestly. “At least not since my father died.”

“Well” he said getting up to clear his dishes. “I’m going to and I hope on occasion that you will return the favor.” They talked for a few more minutes about the work he needed to complete the next day before he nodded and wished her goodnight and returned to the barn. She needed rest but instead found herself pacing the cabin. Peeta wasn’t at all what she was expecting or what she had been led to believe during their first encounter. She knew he wasn’t dying of love for her but he was kind and he was doing his utmost to see the best in her and to find her attractive. She had been prepared to come here and marry a man, put up with his attentions, and work herself to exhaustion every day on a farm. She wasn’t prepared to…like him. She had to put a stop to this foolishness. She wasn’t ready to open up her heart to someone, especially someone who might very well crush it. 

Peeta was up with the dawn the next day and he intended to go straight to the fields but quickly discovered that he needed several of the tools that he had left at the house. He didn’t want to wake her this early but he could probably sneak in and out without rousing her and if he caught a little glimpse of her while she was sleeping that would be alright too. He lifted the latch slowly and pushed the door ever so slightly and was immediately hit by the scent of fresh brewing coffee. 

“Good morning Peeta” she said as she finished tying one of his bandanas under her chin. It covered her hair and he lifted his hand to hide his smile. She looked like a little girl when she wore a kerchief on her head that way. He stepped in and returned her greeting. Two bowls sat on the table and he could see that she had oatmeal waiting. “I usually only eat one or two big meals a day” he commented as he shoveled his into his mouth. “I assumed that” she said. “But now you have two people working the place so you can afford to slow down and take proper meals.” He nodded but still eyed her doubtfully. 

In a few minutes he had finished and rose to take his bowl to the sink. She stood as well and took it and he thanked her before gathering the tools he needed from a box hidden under the bed and heading back out to the barn. He worked for nearly a half hour but he still hadn’t made much progress on fixing the machine he was working on and the animals were starting to get restless. He should have fed them first but he was too anxious about the break that had occurred the day before. If he didn’t get this fixed soon he would be hopelessly behind. 

Frustration was starting to get the better of him when he heard the barn door swing open. He saw her enter and quickly dispatch the feeding and tending of the animals only occasionally asking him the location of things she needed. She was gentle with the cow as she milked her and he noticed that she spoke softly to the horses as well. She was no stranger to this type of farm work. He wasn’t sure if he were impressed or mortified when she went about the task of raking out the stalls completely barefoot. 

“You should probably wear shoes when you do that” he called to her. “It could make you sick.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It never has before” she said casually. He looked her over from her dirty toes to her jutting cheek bones. That was when it really hit him how impoverished she was. He went back to his work with a gut full of waring emotions. On one hand, he felt fiercely protective. He wanted to keep her here, shelter her and give her a better life. On the other, he knew how desperate her situation was. Being here was an absolute necessity and there was no way of knowing if a life with him was something she even remotely wanted. 

He was lost in thoughts of her when she nudged him on the shoulder. “You need my help” she said. “No, I’ve got it” he told her. She put her hands on her hips. “That’s why you have been working all morning and haven’t made any progress” she assessed. “You lift it and I’ll move that piece into place.” He thought about it for a moment. He was pretty sure he could lift it if he could concentrate all his strength on the task but he didn’t want to drop it on her and cause injury. He eyed her cautiously. “I’m not a child Peeta” she said coming around and crouching in position to assist him. 

“Ok” he agreed. “On the count of three.” As he counted down he noticed how her brow furrowed in concentration. He liked it. When the moment came he lifted with all his might and she quickly moved the missing piece back into place. Once it was replaced and he tightened all of the bolts he had the machinery back into shape in a matter of minutes. “See” she said with a sunny smile. “I am pretty handy after all.” 

He stepped forward and placed a hand lightly on her arm. Her gaze rose to his and he could see that damn fear return to her eyes. “I’m sure you will be handy with all kinds of things around here” he said. His tone was deep and his intentions obviously flirtatious. A blush colored her cheeks and she dropped her gaze. She was clearly new at interacting with men this way and for some reason he found that pleasing. “What is this thing anyway?” she asked to change the subject. 

He smiled. “It’s called a reaper. It’s what I use for the harvest.” She nodded. “I’ve heard of one before” she said. She was surprised. First by Peeta’s behavior toward her. But also that he had such a fine piece of equipment. The things in the house were of high quality too. Nicer than what a yeoman farmer should have when he was just starting out. “I’m going to take her out in a few minutes” he said. “I’ve got the wheat cut but I need to harvest the straw too. If I wait too much longer it will be useless.” 

He made a move to walk away but she shocked them both by reaching out and grabbing his arm. “I’m coming with you” she said. “No Katniss” he said shaking his head. “Not today, you just got here.” Her expression hardened. “I just got here and I intend to earn my keep. I came to help you run the farm and it sounds like this reaper is an important part of it. Besides, I am kind of curious. I’d like to see how it works.” She sounded genuinely interested and Peeta gave in. 

He spent the better part of the day showing her how to operate it so that she could run the machine and he could bale. They got a good piece cut and then they loaded up the wagon and stacked the bales in the barn. It was hard work and by the time they got back to the house it was getting dark and he was starving. She told him to sit but he refused and instead helped her in getting things around for a quick meal. 

He told her about some of the improvements he would like to make and they discussed the yields he had already brought in for the year. He noticed that she was considerably more relaxed when the topic of conversation was business rather than personal. Any time he mentioned something about himself or asked about her past she became much more distant and withdrawn. 

“We will need to get up before sunrise tomorrow” he said. “It’s a ways to the church and I want to get there early so I can talk to the preacher about performing the ceremony right after the regular service.” He could see her swallow. There was no question as to her apprehension. He should have told her that she didn’t have to, given her some other options, but he didn’t want to. He wanted her to stay and help him. He wanted to talk to her about the farm. He wanted her to welcome him when he comes to their bed tomorrow night. 

“Ok” she answered weakly. She got up from her seat and without realizing it began to pace. She couldn’t control all her nervous energy, all her anxiety. Peeta had been very nice to her today but she still didn’t want to pledge the rest of her life to him. She didn’t even know him. She didn’t want him to be in her bed tomorrow. She didn’t want him to touch her…there. She looked around the cabin again. She had too though. She needed to take this chance. It was the best she was ever likely to get and she needed to be thankful and just grit her teeth and go through with it. 

“Katniss” he said coming over and lifting his hand to her face. She closed her eyes and stiffened on instinct. “Katniss” he said, this time much more softly and she could feel the pads of his thumbs on her cheeks as he took her face in his hands. She trembled slightly. He was strong. He could really hurt her if he wanted to. He said her name again and waited for her eyes to open. His touch was steady but gentle. No one had ever treated her this way before and it was causing a riot of emotions within. 

When she knew she could hide from him no more she took a deep breath and let her eyes flutter open. His face was close, his expression serious and concerned. “It’s going to be ok” he reassured. “I know you’re scared but I promise I’ll be good to you. I’ll be careful. I won’t hurt you.” She nodded despite her continuing doubts and he leaned forward and left a small kiss on the top of her head. 

She slept in her dress that night, blankets tucked all around her as if the extra layers could protect her from what laid ahead. She wasn’t concerned with the farm work, as a matter of fact she welcomed it. Hard labor would help her to repay some of the debt she was quickly accumulating with him. She was impressed with the reaper and his provisions. It would not be a difficult life. But she couldn’t accept his earlier declaration. He would hurt her, she knew it. Come tomorrow night her body would belong to him and he would want to share this bed. She closed her eyes shut. It might be pleasurable for him but she knew the pain it would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two have some diverging opinions about what her role should be on the farm. The war was a very disruptive force and it has really shaken the society that they came from and everyone's sense of what their place should be. 
> 
> Very typical of Katniss, she is afraid of owing him and she is stubborn and strong willed. 
> 
> This chapter does bring up an interesting moral dilemma. Peeta knows that he can help Katniss have a better life and he wants to. He also wants her to stay because she is able to meet some of his needs. But he also knows that she doesn't really have much of a choice. He could give her an out but he doesn't because he doesn't want her to take it and leave. I will let you all think this one over. 
> 
> I welcome your feedback on that topic or anything in the chapter. 
> 
> Next Chapter: Wedding Bells


	6. Wedding Bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta can't wait to be married, but Katniss has more reservations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who has read and commented. I really enjoy reading your feedback, probably more than you enjoy reading my stories :) 
> 
> This chapter deals with the big day. By the end of it we will have a married couple. But will it be a happy one?
> 
> We will also get a chance to see how they interact with some other minor characters and how Peeta is seen in the community.

Katniss rose the next day determined to make the best of things. She had never been a cry baby and she was not going to start on the day of her marriage. It was impossible to think of it as a wedding she determined as she went about the business of preparing oatmeal, adding sugar, and cooking in slices of fruit. A wedding day had eager expectations, sweet kisses and supportive family and friends. She knew no one here and she and Peeta were practically strangers. This was more like a long term business arrangement. One that she was certainly getting the better half of. 

Peeta knocked and allowed a few moments to pass before entering. He was hoping to catch her with hair still hanging about her shoulders but she had already braided it. “I’ve taken care of the animals” he said sitting down to eat with her. “I also hitched up the wagon so we should be able to get going after breakfast.” She nodded. The fear he had seen last night had faded but she still didn’t appear eager. He smiled at her trying to ease any lingering anxiety. “This oatmeal is very good. I’ve never had it this way before. I usually don’t care for it that much but I could eat it every day if it were this sweet.”

She returned his grin. “I like it this way too” she admitted. “But I haven’t had it in ages. Mama used to have it made for us this way when we were still girls.” It was a simple memory but only the first involving her family that she had shared. Peeta stored away the details in his mind so that he could review them later. She had once had a family, a mother and at least one sister. Where were they now? He wondered. Probably dead if she had been left with no choice but to commit to marrying a man she had never met before. 

Her family had also been at least somewhat well to do. They had been able to afford sugar to sweeten breakfast cereal and she had said that her mother had it made that way not that she had made it that way herself. Haymitch had met her in Georgia so they had likely been slave owners. He wouldn’t push her for details right now. They may not be great memories and he didn’t want her frowning at the altar. 

It wasn’t until they were on their way, bodies jostling slightly from the motion of the wagon that Katniss realized just how heavy the events of the day would be. In the next few hours she would cease to be Katniss Everdeen and would become Katniss Mellark. She would also be meeting most of her new neighbors. She took stock of her appearance. She smelled much better than when she had arrived but her clothes were still affright. Her feet were bare and her dress was in tatters and stained beyond repair. She noticed that Peeta had bypassed some of the nicer clothes he owned in favor of a newer work shirt and trousers. He owned a suit, she had seen it in the trunk. He felt sorry for her. 

Most of her anxiety to this point had been focused on his expectations for later tonight but that was quickly being crowded out by the more immediate issue of making a decent impression on the community she might live in for the remainder of her days. It wasn’t that she was ashamed of her poverty and lack of status. But for some reason she didn’t want them to think that she wasn’t good enough for Peeta. 

He spoke to her occasionally as they drove along. Simple chatter about the passing animals or the weather. He was nervous too. She could tell. When she thought about it he was marrying a person every bit a stranger to him as he was to her. The difference was that he wanted a wife and wanted to be married. She simply had to go through with it as a matter of survival. 

She took a good look at him and thought over the last couple days. His body was strong and his eyes were as blue as the summer sky. His smiles caused a flip in her stomach and her fingers longed to run through his blonde curls. He was a hard worker and he never complained. Since he had recovered from his initial rudeness he had been kind and courteous and he valued the contributions she had made. She could do a lot worse. She just hoped that once she was legally bound to him he wouldn’t change for the worse. 

Her mind continued to wander and race in circles until the church building came into view. Her heart thundered in her chest and she clenched her teeth together to keep them from chattering. They had arrived early so that Peeta could speak to the minister about taking their vows after the service but there were already a handful of people socializing as they tied up horses and exchanged pleasantries. 

Several of the men greeted Peeta as he climbed down from the wagon but all eyes were clearly on her as the newcomer. She was surprised when her feet touched the ground and his hand remained at her back. It was a possessive gesture that she would normally squirm under but his touch was warm and she found that his presence calmed her nerves. “This is Katniss Everdeen” he said introducing her to the group. “Katniss came west to be my wife. If you’ll excuse us we need to speak with reverend Harlan about performing the wedding for us today.” 

Their faces showed surprise but the men smiled and nodded. The women’s expressions varied. She could see a mix of concern and sympathy from some. Others showed more disapproval and one outright hostility. She understood. Peeta was a handsome eligible man and now he would be taken. She could clearly see that he had not needed to send for a wife. Even if all of these women were married accident and disease claimed young people all the time. Any one of them would have been thrilled to have him the moment she was free. 

Katniss didn’t know how to react when Peeta laced his fingers through hers and pulled her with him into the church. It was a relatively simple structure, just a large rectangular room with a wooden pulpit at the front and pews lining each side. The sun shone through the long windows and highlighted the dust particles floating through the air and once the door was closed silence hung thick in the air. Kantiss felt a bit like those floating specs, unable to control the direction or pace of her existence. The minister approached them and spoke with Peeta about making them husband and wife. The events had a surreal quality like something she had read in a novel rather than something she had actually experienced. 

Arrangements were made and she saw Peeta give the man several coins. More people began to file in and before long the sanctuary was teeming with life. Most who attended sat in family groups but there were also a couple of rows of single men in the back. She noted that there were no unattached females. Perhaps it would be a solid idea for more southern women to travel here. Most had worse circumstances and prospects than what she had experienced so far. 

When the singing began she almost slapped Peeta’s hand when it came to rest on her back. Instead, she just gave him a sideways look that he chose to ignore. It wasn’t proper for him to touch her that way in the house of God. Her parents had certainly never done so. But as the service proceeded she noticed several other men giving their wives similar attention. It must be different out here she concluded. She was sorry she had not been more welcoming of his affections. He was just trying to make her feel included. 

The sermon was also shorter than she was used to and before she knew it they had risen to sing the closing hymn. When it ended most people headed outside but some stayed behind to mingle and shake hands. Some men engaged Peeta in conversation and a few women spoke brief words of welcome to her. She issued polite murmurs but her eyes remained low. She could see that while most were common farmers they had shoes and proper clothing. They must think that Peeta dug her out of the trash. It wasn’t far from the truth. 

“Peeta Mellark” a voice rang out melodiously. Katniss turned to see a tall blonde with generous curves walking towards them. Her husband to be gave the woman a big grin and she felt her herself tighten in apprehension. “Hey Delly” he said. His voice was warm with familiarity and Katniss wanted to disappear. They were clearly on very good terms. Why was she the one going to the altar with him? Was this woman already married? Did Peeta settle for sending away since he couldn’t have the woman he really wanted? It shouldn’t matter but the thought made her sick to her stomach. 

“Now don’t hold out on me Mellark” Delly said motioning to Katniss. “Who is this mysterious beauty you’ve brought to our humble community and where on earth did you find her?” Katniss was sure her comments were meant to slight rather than compliment her until she saw the other woman’s earnest expression and genuine smile. Peeta laughed but she wasn’t sure if it was Delly’s words or her enthusiasm that he found so humorous. “Dells” he said and the nickname name made Katniss’s insides twist. “This is Katniss. She traveled out here from Georgia with Haymitch and we are going to get married here in a few minutes.” 

Delly smacked him on the back as if they were a couple of men having drinks. Katniss wasn’t used to women acting this way. She wasn’t offended, she just found the culture to be somewhat bizarre. “Thank God” Delly swore. “I thought you were going to hide out on that farm all alone forever.” Peeta chuckled at her antics again. Just then someone called him over and he stepped away to speak with one of the tallest men Katniss had ever seen. He was stalky with thick arms and brown hair that was trimmed past his ears. 

“I’m glad you’ve come” Delly said more quietly, taking Katniss aside the way a goose might gather a gosling. “Peeta was starting to worry me. My father owns the general store here in town so I see him more than most people and that is still a rarity. I’m not sure what his story is but he has always been really sweet to all of us. He came out here a few years ago but he has always seemed more than a little bit sad to me.” Her face had fallen into a look of solemn reflection but now returned to its earlier grin. “You will be good for him. You care for him and he deserves that.”

Katniss looked at the strange woman at a loss for words. “I…I barely know him” she admitted. “I know” Delly said lightly “But a few minutes ago when you thought I was interested it was written all over your face.” She laughed at Katniss’s scowl. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of” she said. “He’s very handsome and sturdy. You’re babies will be adorable.” Katniss knew this lady was crazy. Delly just winked at her. “You don’t have to worry about me by the way” she added. “You see mister tall dark and handsome over there talking to your betrothed? That’s Thom. He’s the man I’m going to marry…he just doesn’t know it yet.” With that she gave Katniss’s hand a squeeze and walked towards the men in question. 

When Peeta concluded the conversation with Thom he returned to her with a smile. “Are you ready?” he asked and she did her best to nod without vomiting on his shoes. He led her to the front of the church where the pastor was still greeting a congregant. He motioned for them to take their places. She stood toe to toe with Peeta Mellark hand in hand. She didn’t know him from a stranger a few days ago but she would be spending the rest of her life with him. Delly and Thom sat in the front pew as witnesses. 

Her hands trembled slightly as she heard the words about loving, honoring, and cherishing. I’ll do my best she thought. I’ll do my best to pay him back, to not disappoint him. Peeta made her promises. The kind of promises she never believed a man would make to her. She wanted them but they frightened her too. When it was her turn she was able to say “I do” with certainty. She might not have chosen this if circumstances had been different but they were not different. This was reality and she would honor her commitment to him fiercely. 

When the minister told him that he could kiss the bride Katniss panicked. She had forgotten this part. She looked at him in question. It was their first kiss and it would be in front of an audience. She lowered her eyes prepared for the soft kiss he had left the night before on the top of her head or on her cheek. Instead, he moved one hand to her hip and the other lifted her chin. His lips found hers and pressed against them firmly. She had always found the concept of putting two people’s mouths together to be a bit disgusting but this was the first time she had experienced it like this. Her eyes closed of their own volition and she inhaled his scent. Both hands fell to her waist and it felt as intimate as if it were her bare skin. 

When he pulled back she looked at him through a daze. Her mind was dizzy and her body felt warm and it ached in strange places. What had he done to her? The preacher announced that she was now Mrs. Peeta Mellark. She had expected to feel trapped or to be filled with dread. Neither emotion materialized, rather a sense of calm descended upon her. The kind of peace only produced by finality. It was done. There was no changing directions now. She was a married woman with a husband and farm to take care of and she would throw herself into the task immediately. 

The ride home was a mix of shy glances and awkward tension. Peeta had no idea what the woman beside him was thinking or feeling. Well, that was not entirely true. He knew she was nervous and jumpy. They were nearly halfway home when he couldn’t stand it anymore. “Look Katniss” he said. “I’m sorry about today. I mean…I know you didn’t want to marry me.” She looked at him and he could see indecision in her eyes. “It’s not that” she said shaking her head. He sighed and gave her a look that revealed that he did not believe her. 

She took a moment to gather her thoughts before speaking again. “It’s not that I don’t want to be married to you. So much has changed in a short time. I just arrived three days ago and now I’m Katniss Mellark and I don’t even know what that means. I’m just anxious because I feel like I don’t know what is going to happen to me. Everything may work out fine, but I’m not certain know that it will yet. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t know you and I’m not familiar with this place or life so I don’t know if want to be your wife. I just know that I am.”

Her uncertainty was understandable but still disappointing and a difficult pill for him to swallow. “Peeta” she said in frustration at his sullen demeanor. “Can you honestly say that you are confident that you want me to be your wife?” He did his best to seriously consider it. “No” he admitted. But even as he acknowledged his doubt he reached for her hand. “But I do know that I like you so far.” Katniss was surprised by his praise and her blush emboldened him. “You’re straight forward and smart and you have a scowl that makes me want to kiss you.”

She turned to him as if he had said something scandalous. “You’ve…you’ve been thinking about kissing me?” she asked, her voice sounding breathless. He nodded. “I’m thinking about it right now.” His gaze fastened on her lips and she was powerless to stop them from pouting and reaching out for his. His hand cradled the back of her neck and his mouth opened as the kiss deepened. Hers followed and his tongue entered her mouth. Her eyes widened and she started to withdraw. He felt her hesitation and wasn’t aggressive with his exploration. Rather he tugged gently on her lower lip and met her tongue and rubbed it lightly. Her moan told him that she appreciated this subtle play. They might have stayed that way a long time but the motion of the horses increased and resulting jostle of the wagon broke them apart. 

Katniss’s hand flew to her mouth. She had never been kissed that way. Not in a way that made her heart beat out of her chest with excitement. Not that made her want more. She realized that her hand was gripping his shirt and released it. Her eyes fell to her feet and she uncurled her toes. Peeta remained quiet for the rest of journey but she could tell he was pleased. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it but at least she had not let him down.

When they returned to the farm Peeta went to the barn to unhitch the wagon and tend to the animals. Katniss began to prepare dinner. Eating together felt strained. Neither was sure what to say to the other. They were a married couple and in a matter of hours would be sharing a bed. “It would probably be good if we talked a little” Peeta said. “Now that we are married I would like to get to know you better and I am sure there are things you want to ask me as well.” Katniss nodded. “How about just a question or two at every meal or whenever we have downtime?” he suggested and she readily agreed. The meal was nearly through and after the dishes were clean he suggested that they take a walk which she found charming. 

“Why did you come out west?” she asked as they strolled along the pasture. “After I left home I spent some time traveling, never in one place very long. I worked on the railroad for a bit and also in mining. But I felt like something was missing. I kept dreaming of waving fields of grain and the sound of children’s laughter.” She smiled at his flight of fancy and her heart nearly tripped over itself. She hadn’t heard anyone speak that way since she was a girl. 

“I wanted to build something good, something fresh and brand new. I guess I thought if I built the house and made the farm profitable that the rest of my dream would just suddenly appear but it didn’t. The land here is beautiful and the work agrees with me but I didn’t have a clue how taxing the isolation would be.” She considered this. “That’s why you sent Haymitch to fetch someone.” It was an observation rather than a question. 

“I want it all Katniss” he said with yearning. “I want a wife…you in the house and in my life. I want to hear our kids playing when I come in from the fields.” She couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes lingered on her waist and belly when he spoke of children. Her insides fluttered at the thought. 

He wanted to ask about her family but decided it wasn’t the topic for tonight. “Who were you living with, before you came here?” he questioned her instead. “I shared a cabin with a woman named Cecelia.” Her expression was pleasant and he could tell this was safe ground to tread on. “We worked for a plantation owner named Cato Jacobs, he is Haymitch’s nephew actually. He was a tyrant and a cheat but I liked some of the people I worked with. Cecelia’s husband was sold down river before the end of the war and she was never able to find him again.”

Peeta knew that she likely worked with Negros but he was surprised but not upset to learn that she had lived with them. “You enjoyed living with her” he observed. “Oh yes” Katniss confirmed. “Cecelia and I were close, well as close as I am with people and I was attached to her children too.” He put an arm around her and she leaned into him for just a moment before pulling away. “I’m sorry you had to leave them” he said honestly. “It was my fault” she acknowledged. “I got so angry when I found out that Cato had cheated us again and I lost my temper and confronted him.” He stepped in front of her and took her hand. “It wasn’t your fault Katniss. It was Cato’s. He is the one who was using and short changing all of those people not you. If everyone would have had as much guts as you did it probably would have ended differently.”

She began walking again. “I doubt it” she told him. “All that matters is who owns the land. Labor isn’t worth much. He probably could have thrown us all out and hired in more freedmen or refugees.” They were holding hands again and Katniss found that she liked the warmth it infused her with. “Well” Peeta sighed. “I’m sorry about your friend but at least you own land now.” She nodded. “Yes” she agreed “As long as I am married to you.”

It wasn’t long before the air grew chilly and Peeta suggested that they retire for the night. Katniss could barely control the shaking of her limbs or the roll of nausea in her belly. He gave her a small smile as he filled the water basin then left to wash at the pump. She willed herself to relax as she washed her face and neck. It would be over soon and if she didn’t resist it shouldn’t hurt that badly. 

She had no night clothes and she didn’t want to feel any more vulnerable so she decided to sleep in her dress. When Peeta returned he walked in without knocking. She took one look at him and froze. His trousers hung low on his hips and had already been unbuttoned. He held his shirt in his hand. His muscular chest and abs were tanned from long hours over the summer and still glistened from the washing he had given them. His expression was kind and a little bit shy as he stepped forward but it didn’t stop her from backing up against the wall. His shoulders were broad and he was probably close to twice her size. 

Peeta was surprised to find her still in her dress. He had washed thoroughly and given her plenty of time. He expected her to be in bed already. He knew that she was nervous about her first time and thought that she would prefer to do it under the covers. He was worried too. He had done his best to listen to his older brothers growing up and he had picked some things up from conversations with other men too but no one had ever actually told him what the best approach with a virgin was. Maybe he should have spoken with Haymitch dammit. The old man would have made fun of him to the end of the world but it would have been worth it if it could have made this night easier for Katniss. 

She stood at the wall opposite him wringing a wash cloth in her hands and biting her lip until he thought it might bleed. “Do you…a…want me to step outside so that you can get undressed?” he asked her. “I thought I would just sleep in my dress” she answered. “I really don’t have anything else.” He deflated. She didn’t want to be with him. His eyes went to the floor. “Oh” he said and she could hear the pain in his tone. “I’ll just get my things then. I can sleep in the barn I guess.”

When he turned to go her voice stopped him. “Peeta, please don’t think that I don’t like you. I’m just frightened.” He stopped to consider her. She was an innocent girl in a cabin alone with a man she had known less than a week, of course she wasn’t comfortable. He just needed to take some time to ease her into it. “Katniss” he said and she loved how her name sounded when he said it slowly that way. He closed the distance between them and took her face in his hands. Her look was pleading, begging him for something that neither one of them could name. Her eyes closed as she leaned closer and soon he was kissing her. 

His arm circled her waist and brought her closer so that her breasts pressed against his chest. She moaned when he deepened the kiss and for a few moments she was lost in it. Her hands clung to his back and she kissed him back with equal fervor. His lips fell to the crook of her neck and then he kissed along her jaw and just below her ear. Something in her core trembled and her knees weakened. Her brain was dizzy with his quiet sounds and masculine scent. She wanted it to go on and on but when his hand raised to cup her breast her body went stiff. Now it would come. He would squeeze her and lay atop her and plunge into her body until it was torn and bleeding. No! She didn’t want him to do that to her. 

He could feel the change in her the moment it happened. She was pliant and willing and he was hard and aching listening to her small breathy sighs. But when he dared take the liberty of touching her chest her body went rigid. He looked down and saw her eyes were squeezed shut in the anticipation of pain rather than pleasure. When he pulled back she wrapped her arms around herself in a defensive posture. She wasn’t just a little uneasy, she was terrified. 

He pulled her back to him. She tried to push away but he shushed her. “It’s ok” he said softly, rocking her gently. He didn’t kiss her again, just held her close. “Kat, I understand. You’re scared. This is too soon for you. I can wait. We’ll give it some time and get to know each other.” 

She almost couldn’t believe her ears. He was giving her a way out. She leaned into the warm hug and squeezed him back. Her head rested on his chest and she shed a few tears there before she was able to calm down. “You’ll…you’ll wait?” she asked, her voice cracking with emotion. He nodded and she snuggled back against him again. When her body stopped shaking he gave her a dazzling boyish smile. He was a decent faker but she knew he was deeply disappointed. She also knew that her heart was in more danger than ever even if he was giving her body a little more time. 

“I can keep the cattle company for a while longer” he said grabbing a blanket and turning to go. She reached out and caught his hand. “Don’t be ridiculous Peeta. You don’t have to sleep outside. I don’t think I’m ready to share the bed just yet but I would feel much better if you were in the cabin with me and you would be warmer too.” He nodded in relief and spread out the bedroll that he used when he was traveling on the floor in front of the fire. 

Once he was settled she slipped under the covers as well. It took a long time but after a couple hours he heard her breathing even out and knew she was asleep. He would join her if his body weren’t demanding attention. He couldn’t deny that her refusal was difficult to accept but they had come a long way in a single day. They were married now and she wasn’t going anywhere. They were sleeping under the same roof. She had also kissed him earlier and for a few minutes she had enjoyed it. When he thought through all of those things he could see the progress and it lightened his mood. She was still very shy but she would come around. He had to give her more time to get to adjust and in the meantime he would make sure that she could see how much better things would be for her here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they are Mrs. and Mr. Mellark now. 
> 
> Please take a moment to leave me your thoughts if you can. I would love to hear feedback on anything in the chapter but here are a few things that happen that might have stood out to you. 
> 
> Katniss's determination to make the best of things. I think it is pretty admirable. 
> 
> Peeta passing up his better clothes to be dressed more like her. 
> 
> Katniss is put off by several culture differences she experiences from men touching their wives during the service to Delly's swearing and acting like one of the guys. 
> 
> Katniss's thoughts and feelings about Delly. 
> 
> The first kiss...and the second.
> 
> Their first talk about the past and how they both came to be there. 
> 
> Katniss resists his first attempts take her to bed and Peeta decides to wait and give her more time.
> 
> Next Chapter- Living together as man and wife and a little shopping trip.


	7. Shoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta begin adjusting to life as a married couple and make a trip to town to visit the general store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone for the great feedback. I know not everything in this story is completely in period. I am not an expert, I am just having fun with it. 
> 
> Many of you really wanted Katniss to get some clothes and shoes so this chapter is for you. 
> 
> As always I do not own any of the Hunger Games Characters. 
> 
> This chapter also contains some comments and attitudes about race that were typical to this period. Please do not read if this will upset you.

It took them both some time to get used to living together. For the first week Peeta still felt a sense of surprise when he would turn around and see her standing there. It was a strange feeling to have another human being so close, especially a young woman but it was certainly not an unwelcome one. She proved to be an extraordinarily hard worker and he had to admit that some days he was ready to quit long before her. 

The farm work came to Katniss naturally and she found that she no longer resented it as she had in the last few years. All of their effort would contribute to their comfort in the long winter months ahead and would make way for a more plentiful harvest next year. Every ounce of toil served to better both herself and her husband rather some abusive or distant landlord. She had things to look forward to. 

One day she caught him with a puzzled look on his face. “Something got you thinking?” she asked bringing him their shared canteen of water. 

He took it with a grin. He liked this; the little intimacies that had already become routine for them. The small talk, the fact that she cared enough to notice and read his expressions. “I was just recalling the yields I’ve gotten from this area. They were actually a lot better the first year I was here and that seems strange.” 

She took time to consider this. Her kerchief had already been discarded and her braid was falling out. Loose strands framed her face. She was awfully pretty when she was thinking. “What did you plant here last year?” she asked. 

“Wheat” he answered. 

“And the year before that?” she questioned. 

“Wheat” he told her again. 

“Well that’s part of your problem” she said with a grin. She was downright beautiful when she smiled. He wasn’t sure how he had ever seen her as any less than appealing. “You need to rotate your crops. You shouldn’t grow the same thing in an area year after year, it exhausts the soil.” 

He looked at her as if she had just handed him the moon. It was strange to develop familiarity with such a handsome man. “Thanks Katniss” he said cheerily. “We can change things around when we plant in the spring. We’ll work it out this winter. You know, sit down and map the whole thing.” She flushed under his praise. He was unlike any man she had ever worked with. He valued her opinions and readily accepted her advice. He wanted her contribution in the running of things. She could see his discomfort at times with her pitching in on the physical labor and there were some tasks that he always performed himself but he never doubted her intelligence. 

“How did you know that?” he asked as they walked back to the house. “I mean about rotating the crops?” It took her a few moments to recall. 

“From the share croppers I first worked with” she said. “I grew up on a plantation but I was never close to the actual farm work so I had a crash course when I first started but most of them had been doing it all of their lives so I didn’t have to start from scratch. I never made enough for my own place so I always lived with another family or a widow.” 

He nodded. “At least you had someone to visit with” he said. “These last three years out here have almost driven me crazy.”

“I don’t know” she answered. “There were definitely times when I wished I had been alone.” He could see how sad and cloudy her eyes had become and he wished he knew what memories had caused it. “How about you?” she asked. “Why did you come without a companion? It seems an awful big risk to take.” 

He became more solemn as well. “I didn’t know anyone who wanted to come with me” he admitted. Katniss didn’t challenge him but she didn’t believe him either. Peeta was sweet and kind. He was also well mannered and his looks made a girl nearly swoon. It wasn’t just because he was unpopular. There was more that he still wasn’t telling her. 

After dinner that night they spent some time going over the numbers the farm had produced over time. Katniss was impressed by the meticulous records and the progress he had made. Peeta pretended to be interested despite the fact that he had already reviewed them dozens of times. He was really watching her and enjoying her attention to detail and high level of enthusiasm. He reached over and covered her hand with his. She stopped speaking and looked up at him. He could see the apprehension and uncertainty in her eyes but she didn’t pull away. He turned her hand over and interlaced their fingers. Her gaze returned to the page but he felt her squeeze his fingers in return.

“We are getting a lot closer to being caught up than I thought we would be” he said quietly. “I thought we might go into town tomorrow and stop in and see Delly.” Her head shot straight up, her expression distrustful. He was baffled by her reaction. He thought she would enjoy an outing after so many days in a row in the fields. “It’s just that I wanted to take you to the general store so that we can pick out some shoes and some material for a new dress.” 

She relaxed. Of course, she had forgotten that Delly’s father owned the nearest store. He wasn’t suggesting that they pay the other woman a social call, he wanted to help her with her meager wardrobe. It was tempting. She hadn’t had a pair of new shoes since before the war. “Oh” she said. “Don’t you think it is a little soon? I’ve been earning my keep around here but you’ve also been feeding me like a horse. I’m not sure if I’ve turned that kind of profit yet.” 

Her gaze had fallen and when she lifted it she could see the depth of concern in his expression. When he spoke his voice was surprisingly stern. “You’re my wife Katniss and this is your home. You aren’t here to work for wages. Everything that I have is yours. We can afford to buy you new things and we are going to.” Instead of answering him she gathered her dishes and turned to begin washing them. He followed and she did her best not to bristle at the strength of his presence behind her. 

“Can you accept that?” he asked. When she didn’t reply he became frustrated. “You said vows with me but you choose to ignore them. Do you even think of me like that…as your husband?” 

She turned and took a step back. She needed some distance, some room to breathe. Part of her wanted to lash out as his insistent behavior but as she looked at him she could see fear and hurt laced in with his agitation. “No” she answered honestly. “Not yet anyway. Peeta, I never thought that I would be married. This is all so unexpected and confusing. I don’t know what I am supposed to feel for a husband.”

Her heart was hammering in her ears. She wasn’t good with words or talking about her feelings. For one thing she had no practice, no one had ever cared how she felt before. She had more to say but wasn’t sure she had the courage to give voice to it. “I do…feel…for you though” she stuttered. That got his attention and she knew she would have to give him more, his eyes were so earnest and hopeful. “I like working with you” she managed. “I like that you are here with me and I’ve started thinking of you as a friend which is a big deal for me.”

She took a couple of deep breaths. She needed to form words for the strange yearnings that had arisen within but wasn’t sure what to call them. “I enjoy looking at you” she admitted and Peeta thought he might fall over. He wanted so badly for her to develop soft affections for him but he didn’t imagine that she would admit to carnal attraction. Ladies never discussed such things but he began hardening and he couldn’t wait for her to continue. “Well” she said completely flustered. “Peeta, you know you are very handsome and sometimes I just have these crazy thoughts and then I want you to kiss me.”

She didn’t have to say more. He stepped forward and his mouth captured hers. The need for distance she had felt just a few moments before vanished. He pulled her into his arms and she went willingly. His tongue swept her bottom lip and she moaned and opened herself further to him. Her fingers found his muscular back and she wished his skin were bare. He often worked in just his trousers and she knew of his sculpted chest and sometimes had the urge to press her breasts against it. 

He tasted her thoroughly and reveled in the little noises she made into his mouth. He was smart enough not to move things further though. She had admitted to befriending him and to being attracted to him as well. They had come together under strange circumstances and if they were courting back home he would still be sitting in her family parlor and would never be allowed even these types of liberties. 

When he finally pulled back he noticed that her cheeks were pink and her lips puffy. Her eyes were glazed with pleasure. He cupped her cheek and gave her one last tender kiss on the forehead. His arm was close to her face and as he withdrew she saw just how agitated his skin had become. “Oh Peeta” she said taking his hand and leading him over to the table. He had insisted on doing all of the baling himself, only allowing her to operate the machine and drive the wagon and his biceps and forearms had paid the price. The straw was course and prickly and his skin was marred by a million little scrapes and scratches.

He protested and insisted that he was fine but she sat him down and doctored his skin any way. He smiled at the way she fussed and fretted. It felt incredibly good to have someone take care of him. His mother had been very distant and rigid so this was the first time he had ever experienced a woman’s care. The peroxide burned but he was more focused on how close she was as she applied it. He could feel her breath on his neck and the shell of his ear. Her hands ran across his body in such a relaxed fashion that he knew she was concentrated solely on the task of healing him.

When she thought that his arms were sufficiently cleansed and covered enough to prevent infection she went to prepare for bed. She was worried about the cuts. True they were small but even minor injuries could be cause for concern if not properly tended. She didn’t know what she would do if he fell ill. He was so…important to her. She was completely lost in her thoughts and didn’t realize that she had begun to remove her dress before he had left the room. The last few nights had been unseasonably warm, forcing her to reconsider her stance on sleeping fully clothed. 

When she turned she found him frozen in his tracks, the water basin he had filled for her in hand. Peeta could not take his eyes off of her. Although her frame was slender he could see the outline of gentle curves through her thin white underthings and without knowing it she had stepped in front of the burning lantern. The light illuminated her in a nearly angelic way. His thoughts were far from holy as he saw her dark nipples and he knew that temperature could not be blamed for the peaks that they had formed.

After a moment she recovered her senses and dove under the sheets. She brought her hands to her flaming cheeks and did her best to contain the ache that she felt within. What was happening to her? She tried to take deep breaths but the cabin and bed were his and the heady masculine scent only intensified the throbbing. She had the most insane impulse to touch her breasts and in-between her legs. She squeezed her eyes shut and willed it to go away. She shouldn’t do such a thing and Peeta would be back any second. 

He wasn’t though. As she suffered under newly found want he stayed in the barn much longer than usual. It wasn’t until deep in the night that she heard the door open and the rustle of bedding on the floor. The knowledge that he was so close did nothing to quell the odd sensations that threatened to take her over. 

Neither spoke of the incident the following day as they rode across the prairie. Katniss was in a good mood, the turmoil of the night before beginning to fade. She hadn’t been on a pleasure outing in years and she couldn’t help but enjoy it. She wore her bonnet out of social nicety. Her skin had a natural olive tone but had been darkened beyond repair by the sun as well. Her feet tapped excitedly on the floor boards. They wouldn’t be bare much longer. 

Peeta couldn’t help but be in high spirits as well. He had seen the spark in her, the excitement she was doing very little to conceal. Perhaps today would be the first time since her arrival that he would truly be able to please her. The weather was sunny but still a bit chilly and he stole his arm behind her as they went. He was aware of the fact that she didn’t particularly like his constant touching but he had a hunch that it was not true distaste. It was more of an unease due to a lack of familiarity. He was trying to get her accustom to the affection of another person again or maybe for the first time. 

The town wasn’t much. Just the church building, a small jail which was seldom occupied, a row of houses, and the general store. Peeta offered his arm and she took it with a small smile as he guided her into the store. Delly was helping another customer so she did not immediately see them as they entered. He was glad. He enjoyed watching Katniss wander about the little emporium looking at the simple items as if they were made of gold. 

When Delly did spot them she gave them both an enthusiastic greeting. “Well, hello Mellarks” she boomed. “I expected that I would be seeing you soon. What can I help you with today? Some baby items perhaps?” she asked as she waggled her eyebrows. Katniss turned scarlet. “It’s a little early for that” Peeta cut in. “And you know it Dells. Stop teasing her and sell us some shoes and material.” Delly laughed but relented and headed into the back to find the things that they needed. 

“Do you know what size you are?” she asked Katniss. She started to lower her head but then thought better of it. The damned war hadn’t been her fault. “No” she admitted softly. “I don’t remember.” If the other woman noticed her mild behavior she didn’t mention it. “No problem” she said. “Come back here and sit in my chair and we will try a few on.” After a couple of minutes they were successful and Katniss clasped a brand new pair of shoes. She lifted them up to show Peeta and he nodded with a smile.

“She’s going to need boots for the winter too” he said, aiming his words at the shopkeeper. “And material, enough to make a few dresses.” 

Katniss shot straight up. “Peeta no!” she nearly shouted. 

He only laughed in return. “And some more of that scented soap” he added. “It smells fantastic on her.” She thought she would die of embarrassment but it had the desired effect. She didn’t give him another argument as Delly rang up the order, even when he made purchase a large sewing kit as well. She was too mortified that he would say something scandalous. He used her distraction to add several pieces of candy to their pile. 

He took the goods out to the wagon while Katniss donned her shoes. It would be good to see her wearing them but he doubted that she would actually be comfortable in them immediately. They were just stepping out to head back to the wagon when Peeta heard a familiar voice. “Why if it ain’t gimpy. How you been boy?” Marvel Sanderson, fantastic. He turned to see the man heading out from the house across the street. He would never say anything to Katniss but it was known pretty widely in these parts to harbor prostitution. He had really hoped not to run into Marvel today. First of all, the guy was a completely obnoxious loser. Secondly, he always pointed out Peeta’s limp and he didn’t want to be humiliated like that in front of his new wife. 

“I heard you done got married” Marvel slurred. “An she’s right there ain’t she? Let me take a look. I heard she’s awfully dark and pretty and looky there she don’t disappoint. You got some good taste Gimpy. Was yer father a Injun girl?” 

Marvel didn’t get a chance to say more. Before he realized what was happening Peeta had him hanging in the air by his throat. There was fear in his eyes and he struggled for breath. “Apologize to my wife” Peeta commanded. 

When he heard no response he slammed the man into the wall again. He could feel him struggle and started to sense life begin to drain from him. That is when he realized that he couldn’t speak. His hands relaxed and set him back on the ground. He still held his shoulders firmly but he was no longer in danger of choking him to death. “Apologize” he repeated. 

“I’m sorry” Marvel squeaked, his voice effected by the recent pressure on his vocal cords. 

“Ma’am” Peeta added. 

“I’m sorry Ma’am” Marvel amended and Peeta pushed him back out towards the street. 

It was only then that he turned to see Katniss. Her eyes were wide with fear and he cursed himself that he had frightened her so badly. He didn’t regret setting the man straight but he didn’t want her to think him a man of violence because of it. He felt her arms tremble as he helped her into the wagon. They rode a mile or so in silence. 

“I’m sorry about that” he finally said. “Marvel is a problem child of sorts around town. I’ve never gotten physical with him before but I wasn’t going to allow him to speak to you that way.” 

She turned to him in surprise. “I’m not angry with you” she told him. 

“I know” he replied. “But you were shaking a little bit back there and I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I would never hurt you.” She played with her fingers in her lap as she crafted her response. 

“It was a bit startling” she admitted. “But I could see he was completely shocked by your actions so it was obvious that you have never done anything like that around town before. I was just surprised that you reacted so strongly. I don’t like being called names but no one has ever stood up for me before.”

Peeta took her hand. “I will never act like it is ok for people to treat you badly” he promised. “I don’t go looking for a fight but when he went after you like that I lost my temper. I have only met him a few times but every time I do he makes fun of me. I usually don’t care but I guess I was a little embarrassed because he called out my limp in front of you.” 

Katniss felt a rush of understanding. She didn’t appreciate her weaknesses being put on display in front of him either. She had no idea that he was self-conscious regarding his leg. “Peeta” she said softly. “You are a very capable man and you walk well. I barely notice it but even if it became more pronounced I would never think less of you.” 

He looked relieved. “So you don’t think it makes me seem weak?” he asked. 

“Never” she answered. “Does it ever hurt you?” He felt apprehensive about telling her the truth. 

He glanced in her direction and could see her genuine concern. “Yes” he said “Sometimes it aches.” 

She nodded. “I can help you if you want” she offered. “My father had a leg that he struggled with at times and my mother used to massage it often and I watched her so I know how to do it.” He couldn’t believe it. Not only was she accepting of his injury but she was willing to actually touch it if she thought it would ease his pain. That knowledge along with the fact that she had shared yet another detail about her family was worth dozens of shoes. He smiled as he removed the small candy bag and his heart beat faster and swelled with an unfamiliar emotion as he watched her eagerly reach for the sweets. His life was infinitely more worth living when he was making someone else happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Katniss has some shoes now and is on her way to some new clothes as well. I would love to hear your feedback on anything in the story. Here are a few bullet points on some of the things that stood out to me. 
> 
> Love seeing Katniss finally start to benefit from all of the hard labor she has done. Many people from this time period never got the chance to. She knows that it is a great opportunity and she wants to make the most of it. 
> 
> I also love that Peeta is so open to her ideas and contributions. He values her and is not threatened by her intellect or expertise. 
> 
> They continue to struggle with defining their relationship and have some diverging expectations of how it should work. (Katniss thinks she has to earn her half while Peeta assumes everything belongs to both since they are a married couple.)
> 
> Katniss admits that attraction has started to form and Peeta enjoys being dotted on and cared for. 
> 
> Katniss isn't sure what to do with some of her newfound feelings for her husband and the riot they are causing in her body. 
> 
> Peeta is more generous with Katniss than she is comfortable with.
> 
> Marvel and Peeta have an altercation. 
> 
> Peeta admits his insecurity about his limp and he is surprised and relieved with how understanding she is about it.


	8. Breaking in a Partnership

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta argue over wounds both new and old as they learn to trust each other more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million that you are still reading this. I appreciate each and every one of your comments. 
> 
> We get to see how Katniss's new shoes are working out in this chapter as well as see how stubborn both of them can be.
> 
> I know you are loving this slow burn so here is some more of it.

Peeta was right about the shoes. The first time she wore them she could barely walk by midday. Peeta suggested that she take them off and give herself more time to adjust to them but she refused. She was incredibly stubborn and sometimes her contrary attitude baffled him. “Why don’t you call it quits for today?” he asked her, watching her wince in pain every time she thought he wasn’t looking. 

“Because” she huffed in frustration “the worked isn’t done yet.” He sighed. All she wanted to do was work, work work, every day from dawn till dusk. He knew that she was trying to prove her worth and assert her independence but truth be told she was running him ragged. 

“I already told you, I can finish this with no problem on my own” he reminded her. “And I know that you need to keep working on your dress. Why don’t you go back to the house and put some time in on it.” She had already completed a skirt which she currently wore along with one of his work shirts but sewing a complete dress was proving to be a difficult and time consuming project. She ignored his proposal and continued with the wood hauling they had been at for the last few hours. It was back breaking work and he would have preferred not having her help him at all but she pretty much set her own schedule. 

They continued to labor in an ever thickening silence. She was aware of his annoyance with her and she had about had it with him as well. She knew he was angry. Why did he have to be so continually polite about it? She much preferred more direct communication. Her feet were killing her but her pride would never allow her to admit it so she continued to struggle on. She would be glad that she had in February when she was sitting in front of roaring fire rather than shivering in a pile of blankets with Cecelia’s daughters. 

Peeta could not believe her. Cutting and hauling wood was a simple task for him. It required little finesse and plenty of brawn. It was perfect for a broad shouldered young man with little knowledge of farming. It was extremely taxing on Katniss, even under the best of circumstances. She was petite and skilled at setting traps, cooking, using tools, and her expertise in cultivation and survival made her worth her weight in gold. But chores that required brute strength exhausted and sometimes harmed her. It burned him up that she put herself through them anyway instead of letting him be a proper husband. 

He wasn’t sure if it was the overexertion or the pain from her blisters but when he saw the look of anguish on her face as she fell to the ground along with the log she was trying to carry he reached his breaking point. He walked forward and scooped her up in his arms. 

“Peeta” she yelled in alarm as he lifted her. “Put me down this instant.” 

He had to smile. Already, her tone had turned to anger. “Nope” he replied, swinging her around over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. She yelled at him again. “You’re done for today Katniss” he informed her. 

“What? No!” she insisted. “Peeta, stop. I am not done.” She started fighting him harder and he tightened his grip and gave her rear end a smack causing her to struggle all the more. When they reached the front door he kicked it open and set her down in a chair. Her signature scowl was extraordinarily resentful as he dropped on one knee before her to remove her shoes. What he saw when he removed them made his heart constrict in physical pain. She had several large blisters. He was careful to cause the least discomfort possible as he washed them, applied medicine and wrapped them in linen. He took her ankle and lifted her foot to his face and kissed it. 

“Please stop” Katniss trembled and he could see that her eyes were suddenly full of tears. 

“I’m sorry” he apologized. “I tried not to hurt you.” 

She shook her head. “Not that” she said. “Stop trying to take care of me all the time. Stop trying to shield me from the hardest work.” 

It was his turn to decline a suggestion. “Absolutely not” he told her firmly. “I’m always going to take care of you.” 

She closed her eyes with a wince that he didn’t think had anything to do with her blisters. “Don’t Peeta” she answered. “I can’t live like that. I can’t need you that way. I would never feel safe.” 

He took the seat beside her. “Why not?” he asked, taking her hand. 

“Because I will owe you and you could leave someday or something could happen to you.” 

He nodded in understanding. “I’ll never leave you Kat and you don’t owe me a thing but I share your concern about one of us dying.” 

Her gaze lifted in surprise and her eyes found his. “You do?” she asked. 

“Yes” he admitted. “But I’m taking the same risk and it feels safer somehow doing it together.” Her brow furrowed in confusion. “I need you too. I need your help every day. You took care of my cut the other day just like I did your feet. You have already shown that you are better with numbers than me and you know more about the farm.”

He could read in her expression that she was considering his argument. “I know you have some feelings for me that you aren’t very comfortable with” he observed and he saw her blush. “I have those thoughts and feelings about you too and I have no control over them. You aren’t in this alone. We both need each other, which is what a partnership is. But I need you to let me do the things that I’m good at and I’ll rely on you to do the ones you are better with. Then we both win. But you can’t keep pushing yourself like this. It’s hurting you and it’s painful for me too.” Her eyes fell to her lap. “Can you do that?” he pleaded. “Can you trust me to be your partner?” Silence hung in the air for several beats and he held his breath for her response. In a few moments she squeezed his hand. 

“Can you bring my sewing box?” she asked. He grinned and went to fetch it for her. “I’ll have dinner waiting for you” she said with a small smile and he headed back out to finish the wood. 

A couple weeks later Katniss noticed that this helping each other with everything pact didn’t extend to every area of their lives. As temperatures cooled Peeta struggled more and more with his leg but he wouldn’t admit to it and he had never taken her up on her offer to rub it for him. The slight limp she had noticed on first arrival was becoming more and more pronounced. She suggested several times that liniment would help and he agreed but never applied it. She had a sneaking suspicion that he would do so if it were not for her presence. 

She waited until after dinner to bring it up. “I noticed that your leg was bothering you today” she said casually. “No worse than normal” he dismissed. “Bullshit” she said and her cursing shocked him into speechlessness. “Peeta” she said standing and coming forward to stand before him. “I know your leg is hurting. I’m going to rub something into it tonight. It will help you feel better.” 

He was conflicted. His leg did hurt and it needed to be treated. But her breasts were also close to his face and all he wanted was to unbutton the front of her shirt so that he could look at them. He wanted to touch them too, but he couldn’t let his mind wander that far right now. Dammit, the things he was feeling were so complicated. She was his friend and he wanted her help but she was also a beautiful, sexy woman and he didn’t want her to see the extent of his injuries. 

It was her turn to sigh and roll her eyes at his stubbornness. “You were the one who said that we are partners and that we need to help each other” she pointed out. “I’ve accepted that. I’ve been letting you be that to me. Now it’s your turn to do something difficult.” She was right and there was no way around it. He retrieved the bottle and came to sit by the fire. She followed and fell to her knees at his feet. 

He couldn’t recall ever being so nervous in his life. He nearly jumped out of his skin as her hand grazed his bare calf beneath his pant leg. It didn’t take her long to realize that lifting it wasn’t going to work. “You are going to need to take your pants off” she told him. The ground was not frozen yet so she wasn’t surprised that he was not wearing long johns but the site of his clearly aroused body in nothing but a thin pair of shorts made her simultaneously nervous and excited. She tried to ignore both emotions and concentrate on the task at hand. 

She had been so focused on his straining member that she didn’t even notice his scars until her hand made contact with one of them and she pulled back on instinct. Peeta saw her flicker of hesitation and immediately reached for his pants. “It’s ok” he said in embarrassment. “I can take care of it. I know it’s an awful sight.” She ignored his words and assessed the extent of the damage which had long since healed. She brought her hand forward to touch it again. 

His entire leg had been mangled badly. She was shocked that he had even fully regained use of it. Patches of skin still appeared discolored and its shape would never be completely natural again. She retrieved the liniment and applied it generously. He tolerated her nursing until she put the bottle aside and took his lower calf in both of her hands. “You don’t have to Katniss” he said softly. “I know you don’t want to.” 

She dropped his leg and sat back to look at him. This handsome and generous man who feared her rejection simply because he had been hurt in the past. She wanted to help restore him and she knew she could, but it would come at a high cost to herself. In the end, his frightened eyes caused her to spring into action. There was nothing she could do to remedy his physical appearance but she could reassure him that it didn’t matter to her. That she could accept him despite his imperfections. 

Peeta wasn’t sure what she was about as she set his foot back on the floor. He just knew that she was pleased to be relieved of a gruesome task. He had to give her credit. She had gritted her teeth and doctored the aging wound. He suspected that she would go finish cleaning up dinner and he reached to grab his pants but he dropped them on the floor in shock when he saw her turn and begin to unbutton the front of her recently finished dress. Why was she undressing in front of him?

She let it fall open and then worked at her chemise as well. For a moment he thought she had chosen this odd moment to allow intimate relations to move forward until she gathered the material at the front to cover her breasts. The fire light was hypnotic on her white underthings and he was mesmerized as she untucked them from the waist of her dress. She wasn’t quite as skinny as when she had first arrived. Her shoulders were soft and feminine and he longed to kiss them and trace the line of her slender neck. 

He grew even harder at the thought and she returned to her place at his feet. But when she let the material at her back fall completely down to her waist one of her greatest secrets was revealed and he thought for a moment that he might vomit. Her back was stained with dozens of deep lacerations. The angry marks covered her upper and mid torso and a couple also streaked around her side. Someone had whipped her and they had done so repeatedly. Somewhere out there was a man who deserved to be dead. 

She sat as still as possible for several minutes and let him look his fill. She knew he would have eventually found out anyway. He could see that she was trembling and he could only hope that she was not crying as well. When she turned he noted that her tears were still unshed. “Do you…” she managed to get out. “Do you care for me any less?” she asked on a whisper. He pulled her up on to his lap and held her there. 

He brought his lips to each remnant of pain and then settled his nose at her neck. “Of course not Kat. This doesn’t change anything.” 

She slid to the floor and took his leg back within her grip. “Not for me either” she stated as she gave it a deep massage. 

He moaned as she worked and she couldn’t help the blush that spread across her body. She had slid her chemise back in place but her dress remained open. She got the feeling that he enjoyed the view. “Peeta?” she asked. “What happened to your leg?” 

His expression turned painful at the memory. “I was run over by a carriage” he told her. “My leg got caught in the wheel and it got the worst of it.” 

She nodded as she continued to sooth him. “How old were you?” 

He let his head fall to the back of the chair as he relaxed in her hands. “Eighteen.” 

When she finished she stood to leave but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back to his lap again. “Kat, I need to know. Who hurt you?” 

She hesitated a moment before settling against him and laying her head on his shoulder. He snuggled her closer and breathed in her scent. He wasn’t sure how he had ever lived so long without her. “One of the first landlords I ever worked for” she told him. “There was a man who worked on his farm too and he…bothered me a few times and I told the landlord what happened. I didn’t realize that the man was related to him and he said that I was a trouble maker and he whipped me in front of the others to make an example of what would happen to anyone who spoke out of turn.”

Peeta was so angry he could spit nails but he knew that it wasn’t the time. Right now he needed to hold his wife and comfort her. “Is that why you left?” he asked. “How you ended up working for Cato?” 

She shook her head. “No” she admitted. “I didn’t leave right away. I needed to wait until harvest so I could make my pay. But after he paid everyone out some money came up missing in one of the cabins and someone accused me and I got whipped again. After that, I ran away. I lived at another planation for a while before Cecelia took me in. That’s why I went to work for Mr. Jacobs.” 

Peeta didn’t trust himself to speak immediately. He was too choked up with emotion and he didn’t want to cry in front of her. Instead he kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back again and again. “I’m so sorry” he told her. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you. I’m sorry no one stood up for you.” Katniss wrapped her arms around him and held tight. It felt good for someone to tell her that it wasn’t her fault. For someone else to recognize and call it out as abuse and tell her that it never should have happened. She had become accustom to accepting that she deserved it. “I’m never letting anyone hurt you ever again” he promised. She closed her eyes tight and nodded repeatedly. It wasn’t until she was tucked safe into bed that Peeta went to the barn to tend the animals. There he finally let the wall of emotion go and sobbed uncontrollably at the knowledge of all the pain and suffering she had endured. 

It was long past midnight when he crept back into the cabin and slid into his bedroll. He lay awake and did his best not to think of her hunched over, taking the lashes from a horsewhip. He could only imagine how long she had to sleep on her stomach to keep her torn flesh from further injury. He was finally drifting off when he heard her whimpering softly. This happened from time to time. She tossed and turned and called for someone named Prim. He would try to calm her but he feared that a man’s presence in her bed would be more disturbance than comfort. He wanted to go to her but his better judgement kept him in place. 

A few moments later she let out an anguished scream that cut through the last of his reservations. He climbed onto the bed beside her and shook her gently. She tensed in alarm and screamed again. “No, leave me alone! Help! Help!” He pulled her onto his lap and held her arms at her sides to stop her flailing. He rocked her gently again and again and slowly she began to settle. He kept his voice soft and steady so that it caused her no further alarm but rather brought her back to consciousness gradually. 

Katniss tried to fight the stranger off but he was much stronger than her. He chased her around the barn and she screamed for help but no one heard her. At least no one who cared. He had her cornered and she knew his intention but once he had hold of her he didn’t pull or grope or fondle. Instead, he held her still and rocked her. She could hear a voice cutting through her screams and struggle like rays of sunlight to a dense fog. She tried to concentrate on the voice. It was familiar and she wanted to make out the words it was whispering. “Katniss, it’s ok. I’ve got you love. You’re safe. You’re right here at home with me.”

When she was fully awake she became aware of two things. First of all, that she was at home in her own bed. Secondly, that Peeta was in it with her. She looked up at him and he kissed her forehead. “Hey there beautiful” he said softly. “You’re awake.” He set her back on the bed and went to fetch his work shirt. She thought that he would put it back on but instead he sat down beside her and used it to wipe her face. He held it over her nose and instructed her to blow which she did. “Are you ok?” he asked. She nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?” She shook her head. “Ok” he said standing up. 

Her hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. “Don’t go” she pleaded. 

She wasn’t sure she was ready for this but she knew that she didn’t want him to leave. He gave her one of his sweet boyish smiles and climbed in beside her. At first she left some distance between them but she could feel his body heat through the thin sheet and she wanted so badly to be held again. She stared into the darkness. She was being ridiculous. She wanted him to touch her and she knew that he wanted to. They had been married for weeks and it was exactly what they should be doing. She rolled over and placed her head on his chest. His arms encircled her and his lips rested in her hair. She had never felt so safe and cozy, not even when her father was alive. She was asleep in a matter of minutes. 

Peeta wasn’t sure if he was lucky or not. On one hand, Katniss was asleep in his arms. On the other, he had a raging erection and no way to deal with it. Her smell was intoxicating and he twitched every time she let out one of her small breathy moans. He wanted so badly to love her. Not just with his body but with his whole heart too. He knew he was miles ahead of her in terms of falling for each other but he couldn’t stop himself. She was so strong willed and determined that he knew he would have to move mountains to completely win her over. But once she gave herself to him she would do it wholeheartedly and she would never falter in her devotion. It was a battle worth fighting for sure. He WAS lucky because he had the chance to make her his and because she was calm that night as he held her. She had suffered so much and he had been able to bring her this small measure of peace. 

When Katniss woke the next morning she could tell that they had slept entirely too late. Bright sun was streaming in the windows and she could hear a couple of the animals calling from the barn. Johanna would be frightfully cranky, she needed to be milked. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to move. She had rolled over in the night and Peeta spooned her from behind. His strong arms still held her and she could feel his member pressing against her bottom. She thought that its proximity would frighten her but instead she felt a heat settle low in her belly. She was arousing him and although she didn’t want his body within her she wanted him to desire her. She was also more than a little curious about exactly what he looked like and how he would feel in her hands. She lifted the blanket to cover her blush. This whole situation was so confusing. 

As much as she wanted to stay and enjoy his closeness, after a time she relented and slid from the bed. She needed to get ready for the day and tend the animals and she desperately needed to relieve herself. When she stood she knew she could not wait a minute longer. She grabbed the extra blanket atop Peeta’s unused bedroll and threw it over her shoulders so that she could head to the latrine. She charged clumsily through the front door and almost ran straight into Haymitch. 

She was so unsettled by his presence that she let loose of the blanket and it slipped to the ground. “Well” he said in his thick southern drawl. “I see ya and the boy’s gotten might friendly.” 

She opened her mouth to argue but it seemed futile. She was standing in front of him mid-morning in her drawers and chemise and she was aware that her hair was mussed. She scooped it back up to cover herself. “We were married a couple of days after you so conveniently abandoned us here” she informed him. He grinned in return. “Now if you will excuse me I need some privacy.” She motioned back to the house. “Peeta is still sleeping.”

Haymitch laughed as she shuffled away. “Take yer time” he called after her. “I’ll just be tend’in this here cow. Things bawl’in some’in awful. Ya might a heard her if ya’ll weren’t so busy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super awkward and hilarious moment with Haymitch and I am loving it. I also like that I name the cow after Johanna. Please feel free to leave me any of your questions or comments.
> 
> There is some good stuff in this chapter:
> 
> Katniss being a stubborn you know what about the work and Peeta's frustration with her. Kudos to her for admitting why she is uncomfortable with him doing more than her in some areas and also for making some strides towards accepting the partnership. 
> 
> Peeta being as stubborn as a mule right back with trying to hide his limp and Katniss calling him on it and taking care of him. 
> 
> She is a the brave one who steps up here and gets really vulnerable by showing him her back. 
> 
> He returns her efforts by comforting her after a nightmare and ultimately decides he is a pretty luck guy despite his continued sexual frustration. He knows what he has and that she is worth waiting for. 
> 
> We also found out more of their back stories and how much pain they have both endured to get to this point.


	9. Stories from the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta discover things about one another that they never knew before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was all I could do to get an update to you this week because real life has been crazy. I did it for you so make sure to give me some love in the feedback and comments. 
> 
> Both characters make some new discoveries about one another in this chapter and we also get more of their back stories. 
> 
> This chapter amps up the sexual content so if you are uncomfortable with it you best stop reading right here. 
> 
> There are also some period typical references to race.

Peeta was about to lose his mind. He and Katniss had been married for several weeks and they still hadn’t been intimate. She let him sleep with her when she had nightmares and they cuddled sometimes on his bedroll in front of the fire. She had even let him kiss her and their tongues had touched. But as soon as he started to slide his hands beneath her chemise she would stiffen and back away.

He knew she was nervous about her first time but surely she understood that they would need to move things forward at some point. It didn’t help that she gave him little smiles throughout the day and held his hand when returning from the fields. He enjoyed her flirtations but they left him hard and aching long into the night. He needed her dammit and he wasn’t sure he could wait that much longer. 

Katniss knew he was agitated with her but she wasn’t completely sure why. The farm work was coming along nicely and harvest was nearly complete for the season. She had pushed his hands away when he had tried to put them beneath her clothes a couple of times and she knew that he wasn’t happy about it but she was still hoping that he would give her more time. They were young. They had plenty of time to make a baby. It would probably be best to get the farm a little farther along before they brought on more mouths to feed. 

Most nights he still slept on the floor but when her nightmares plagued her she welcomed him into her arms. She loved sharing the bed and she would be happy to accept his company as a permanent arrangement but she knew that it wouldn’t stop there. It was one thing to cuddle with him when she was frightened it was another thing altogether to lay in a marriage bed fully awake with a man she knew was growing increasing impatient with their lack of relations. 

She had discovered in the last few weeks that she wasn’t the only one who suffered from bad dreams. Peeta had them too although he mostly just tossed and turned with a few unhappy moans. It woke her sometimes and she suspected that it was happening again when she heard him through her haze of exhaustion. She had fallen sleep on her side so when she opened her eyes all she had to do was prop herself up on an elbow to see him. 

The fire had settled down considerably but it still cast enough glow for her to make out his profile. She expected to see his face contorted in fear or pain as she usually did when he was restless but instead it was strained in a way that she had never seen before. His eyes were closed and as her gaze fell to the bedroll she could see that his hand was moving. He wasn’t asleep at all. Her eyes widened. He was fully awake and touching himself. His head turned and she quickly closed her eyes. When she heard him shift back again and she opened them. 

She knew that men did this, she wasn’t born yesterday, but she had never actually seen it happen. She hadn’t stopped to consider that Peeta would have done this many times during his isolation here and perhaps even since her arrival. Did men need to do it? She heard a soft grunt and the motion beneath the blanket began to increase in speed. She couldn’t tell by the look on his face if it was more painful or pleasurable. He reached for one of his discarded shirts and brought it within in the bedroll. 

Her face was flaming with embarrassment but her body was also humming with awareness. She should close her eyes or turn away but she couldn’t. She wondered what it looked like. How it would make her feel to see it in his hand or to hold it in hers. She was his wife. If she went to him he would allow her to please him. She stayed frozen in place, her fear still stronger than her curiosity. His hand was still moving and it soon became more jerky and erratic. When his head finally fell back, she saw a look of euphoria cross his face and it caused a pool of wetness in her drawers. “Kat” he whispered as his motions slowed. “Kat” he said softly again as he relaxed and smiled, his desires now sated. 

She quickly moved to face the wall. She heard him turn to look at her but he must have decided that nothing was amiss because she heard his soft snoring a few minutes later. He had been thinking of her. Most likely imagining bedding her as he had stroked himself. He was her husband and he wanted to mate with her. She tried to control her breathing. More than that she knew, he wanted relations, loving ones and she shouldn’t deny him that. If she did he would come to resent her. He might even seek out company with another. She didn’t want that. As much as she feared a sexual relationship with him, she yearned for it too. She wanted to feel connected to him and she would face any sort of fire before she let another woman have him. 

Peeta wasn’t sure what was going on with Katniss the next day as they drove the wagon to church. She was quiet. Even quitter than usual which was saying something. She didn’t seem angry, just…flustered, distracted maybe. He tried to engage her in conversation several times but eventually gave up. It was exhausting trying to read her moods and understand them. 

Peeta enjoyed the service. It had been a long time since he had been able to attend regularly and participate in community worship and communion. Afterward, he made a point of visiting with Thom and saying hello to Delly. She was scheming up ways to trap Thom into marriage with her again and he would have no part of it. He did intend to help with a barn raising that was coming up though. Many neighbors had aided in building his own and he wanted to return the favor. They were usually very festive occasions and Katniss would enjoy it. 

As his thoughts fell to her he realized that she was nowhere in sight. He walked around the building to check the wagon but she wasn’t there either. She must have gone back inside to get something or possibly to speak to the minister. Most folks were heading out and he waved goodbye before he opened the door to step back inside. The site and sounds that he beheld would be within him for the rest of his life. 

His wife sat at the piano and the music that came from it was lovely. The midmorning sunlight caught in her hair and it shined with life. Her face was relaxed in joy and contentment, a faint smile at her lips. He had never seen her so in her element. It was wonderful but absolutely nothing compared to the beauty of her voice as it poured forth an ancient hymn. The quality was so rich that he thought it might literally spill over the pews and engulf him. He stood transfixed as she performed each note and when her song was complete she turned to him and grinned. He swallowed and tried to catch his breath. She was the most gorgeous thing he had ever experienced or heard of in his life and he was a complete goner. 

It was Katniss’s turn to be confused on the return home. Peeta had chattered away all morning but now he was silent and withdrawn. When she had a chance to sneak away after church she couldn’t help herself. She hadn’t played the piano in so long she didn’t know if she still could but once her fingertips rested on the keys it all came back in a flood. When she had noticed him watching she had sang extra sweetly to impress him. She was hoping that he would be pleased. Her parent’s friends had always complimented her on her singing voice when she was younger. 

She had a hard time believing that his change in attitude was due to his displeasure with the quality of her musical talent. After all, when they married she hadn’t claimed to have such abilities at all. Something else was bothering him. Perhaps his solemnness had more to do with the song she had chosen than its singer. It was an old religious classic that her grandmother had taught her. It was possible that he had memories associated with it as well. If he did she was guessing that they were not joyful ones. 

By the time they returned to the cabin it was late afternoon. She should have packed a lunch for them to eat along the way but her mind had been elsewhere that morning. When they walked in Peeta grabbed a quilt off of her bed and began placing food in a basket. “I thought we might go for a picnic today” he suggested. His shift in attitude and willingness to delay the meal seemed odd but she agreed and before she knew it he had walked her out to the cow pond and spread out the blanket. 

“It’s a good thing it is so late in the year or this wouldn’t be such a pleasant experience” she joked as she took a seat. He glanced around and laughed. Today was warmer than most and the cattle had been staying closer to the barn which meant that the manure they produced no longer littered the area. A cool breeze drifted across her shoulders and Katniss shivered despite the warmth of the sun. 

“Here” Peeta said coming to sit behind her and taking a bite out of an apple. He pulled her against his chest and she let her head fall back on his shoulder.

She snuggled closer as she ate the food he had prepared. A funny feeling settled low in her belly as she leaned into him. It was awfully romantic being held in his arms as they watched the wind sway the grass of the prairie. She giggled a little to herself. She had become hopelessly softhearted since coming here. Peeta watched her carefully and managed to sneak a few kisses here and there as they ate. She didn’t pull away from him but she wasn’t encouraging him to take it further either. He needed to do something else, be bolder, and sweep her off her feet. 

“You were very beautiful today” he told her. She sat up and turned to look at him in surprise. “You’re singing I mean” he clarified. “It was very pretty. I mean you are too, that is…you look that way. I like how you look and how you sound.” He covered his face as it started to turn red. Every time he tried to impress her he just came off as a fool. 

“You liked my singing?” she asked, seeming not to notice how he had tripped over his own lines. 

“It was unbelievable” he answered taking her hand and stroking it with his thumb. “I’ve never heard anyone sound so angelic.” 

She snorted a bit when she laughed. “I doubt that is how anyone would describe me” she observed. 

“I didn’t think so at first either” he admitted bringing his chin to rest atop her head. “But the more I get to know you the more you reveal what an incredible woman you are.” She was silent and he knew that she didn’t believe him. “You are a great cook and a knowledgeable farmer. You take good care of me and you are honest and loyal. You’re smart with numbers and fine on a horse. The traps you set provide ample meat and today I found out that you have the voice of song bird. You are also very beautiful. I am incredibly lucky that you came to me Kat.”

She let his voice and words flow over her still healing wounds like a soothing balm. She had pleased him and he found her a suitable wife. Already he had developed a pet name for her. She liked it. No one had called her that since she was a girl. She wanted to be Kat. She closed her eyes and let herself dream. Kat was a woman with a family who was well loved and cherished. She had roots and a home and she wasn’t afraid of the full affections of a man. Yes, she wanted very much to be that person. 

She lay in his arms for a long time just feeling his heart beat against her spine and drinking in his comfort and acceptance. “You hadn’t played for a long time” he noted. She shook her head in confirmation. “What happened to you Katniss? I can tell you’ve had an education and training as a lady. How did you end up where Haymitch found you?” She took a death breath. She knew he would ask eventually and he had been a good friend and husband. He had earned her trust and the right to more disclosure. 

“I was born on a plantation in Georgia” she started. Once the words started coming they were easier than she thought they would be. As if she were narrating someone else’s life story rather than her own. “We weren’t among the highest elite but we were well to do. My father was a respected planter and my mother ran the household. My mother taught me to read and when I got older I studied with a tutor. I had music classes too. That’s where I learned to play the piano. I sang at church and I had a pretty comfortable life.”

Peeta looked thoughtful. “You had a sister named Prim too.” She pulled away from him a little startled. She was willing to start talking but she wasn’t sure she was ready to discuss the loss of her little duck yet. “When you’ve talked about your past you always say us and you call for her at night sometimes.”

She flinched in pain at the mention of her beloved but nodded and settled back against him again. “Yes” she whispered. “She was 6 years younger than me and I loved her more than anyone in the world.”

Her breathing had accelerated but Peeta held her steady. “It sounds like you had a close family” Peeta said. 

“We did” she agreed. 

“But then the war came” he added with a grim certainty. 

She fought back the tears. “My father was so sure of himself when he signed up” she managed. “He said that the Yankees were cowards and that he would be back before Christmas. I never saw him again. We found out later that he was killed in action at the battle of Sharpsburg.”

His lips found her hair and the gentle kisses gave her the strength she needed to continue. “By the time we found out Papa wasn’t coming home the planation was already in decline. Most of the slaves had run off and the ones left were less and less inclined to listen to my mother. She fell into a depression and when we got the news from the war department she gave up completely and died of consumption a few weeks later. I held things together for a while longer for Prim but when Sherman’s men came they took what little we had left and burned the house and barns. Myself and a couple of the Negros were trying our best to save the house and I didn’t realize my sister had gone into the barn to look for her cat. It collapsed before she could make it out.”

She was crying in earnest and he held her and kissed the tears streaking her cheeks. “After that night there was nothing left. I walked around in a haze for a while but I had to get work and support myself. I had to make sure that I had a place to sleep and that I could eat right. I learned to work on farms for other people and I did that until I met Haymitch and came here.” When she finished she let her tense muscles relax. It was draining to recount the tragic events of her life but it also made the burden feel lighter. 

“Why did you have to go with strangers?” he asked. “Didn’t you have relatives or friends that you could stay with?” 

She shook her head at the awful memories. “None that were willing to keep me for very long. It was a hard time and people didn’t need more trouble caring for me.” 

His expression was pained and sympathetic. “You were so young Katniss.” 

She raised her eyebrows. “You weren’t exactly an old man when you struck out west yourself” she observed. 

He took a couple of deep breaths. He knew it was his turn to share about his past. “I had to get away from home” he confessed. “I haven’t told anyone about my family since the day I left but I’m going to tell you because you’re my wife and I want to be close to you. I want to really know each other.” She took his hand and interlaced their fingers in acceptance. 

“As far as I know both my parents are still alive and I have two older brothers who are married with children as well. They both served in and survived the war and my father made sure to get word to me when it was over that they were both alright. My mother inherited a large plantation in Savanah when she was still relatively young and my father runs a successful bakery in the city. My father owns the businesses on paper but my mother is lord of both of them. They met at a ball and my mother got pregnant and they got married. They weren’t very happy together but they were very financially successful.”

She looked to the barn and thought of the mechanical reaper and the fancy cook stove. Her gaze drifted to her shoes and her eyes widened. “Yeah” he said softly. “I want to make a go of it with the farm because this came from my own labor and I earned it but I have money in the bank, a pretty significant amount. My father insists on continuing to deposit my share. We are fairly wealthy Katniss.” She nearly fainted and he had to check and make sure that she was ok. 

“Why didn’t you say something before?” she asked. 

“Would it have mattered?” he questioned. She thought a moment before shaking her head. A million thoughts were running through her mind. She was confident by this point that she had married a good man but she didn’t realize that she had married a rich one. That boded extremely well for future children but it also made her uneasy. One of the reasons she had started to relax was that she thought he needed her to make the farm successful. The fact that it was more of a project than a necessity made her less secure. 

“About the time I turned eighteen my mother and I had a big quarrel. She had always been disappointed in me and got along much better with my eldest brother. When I was little she sometimes got physical with me. When my father wasn’t around she beat me sometimes.” 

Katniss turned in his arms and hugged him tight. She knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of painful blows and she couldn’t image the trauma of that kind of treatment coming from her own mother. Peeta was so sweet. How could anyone hurt him? Especially when he was still a boy. In her mind’s eye she saw him at five or six years old, his curls unruly and his face eager for love and affection. Unconsciously, her hand found her middle and rested there. 

“After that last fight I wasn’t welcome to live in her home anymore and I had no desire to remain there either. When I was able to, I packed up what I could carry and left. I was fine with supporting myself but my father sent after me and gave me the information for my bank account. He leaves news with the bank manager from time to time along with the funds. I don’t know if my mother knows about it or not. I doubt it.”

“Your mother sounds awful and I don’t blame you for breaking ties with her but don’t you miss your father and brothers? It seems a bit drastic to abandon your whole life there just to avoid her.” 

He rubbed his face in his hands. “It’s more than that. My life there was finished. I wanted to start over and build something completely new and fresh. Something that I could share with someone who I care for deeply and who cares for me in return.”

His voice was low and deep and it released butterflies within her stomach. “What about friends?” she questioned. “Surely you had other relationships in the community. A sweetheart too?” Her question was painful to ask and she wasn’t sure she wanted an answer but for some reason she needed to know. 

“Yes” he said regretfully. “I left behind one very good friend from childhood but he couldn’t come with me. I…I did have an intended as well. Her name was Madge and we were expected to marry. She was my second cousin on my mother’s side and her father had business interests that would have fit well with my parent’s.”

Katniss felt her insides twist with apprehension and nausea. Peeta had loved before and had to leave her behind. That may be why he had stayed single for a time. He needed a chance to get over her. She just hoped that he had. “What happened to her?” she asked. 

His eyes filled with pain and she wished she could take the question back. “She decided she didn’t want to marry me anymore” he said. 

“What?” Katniss exclaimed in outrage. “She just decided she didn’t care for you just like that? I don’t believe it.” 

He stroked her back to calm her and kissed the side of her face. “She didn’t want to come west. She had a very comfortable life in Savannah and she wasn’t going to walk away from it to chase dreams with me. It was ok. Our relationship was more of a business arrangement than it was a love match.”

Katniss sighed. “Kind of like us” she observed. 

His hands moved to her face and held it while he spoke to her. “I hope not Kat. I know that is how it started but I wish more for us. I want more if it grows over time.” 

The slight nod of her head was all the invitation he needed. His kiss was deep and thorough as he laid her back against the blanket. Their moans blended as their tongues caressed. Her hands roamed his back and his sifted through her hair. She didn’t object when he laid his body over her and her hips lurched upward when his mouth fell to her neck. 

Katniss had never felt so gloriously reckless and when she had an opening she kissed the column of his throat and sucked on his ear lobe too. She wanted to give him this, wanted to please him and make him feel loved. She was responding well so Peeta dared to take the next step and cup her breast through the material of her dress. She groaned and arched it forward into his grip. He had never been so hard and he ground his erection against her. 

When she felt his distinct hardness and his hand reached beneath her skirt she panicked. Her mind flashed with blood and her nostrils filled with the scent of liquor. She had to get away. She had to run. He would hurt her. He felt her withdraw from his attentions and she begin to push him away. 

“No” she murmured. “Peeta please. Please don’t.” 

Her desperate whimper broke him and he withdrew his hand. He slumped forward against her and his mouth fell to her neck although his kisses ceased. “Katniss” he groaned. “I need you. I need you so much. I know you’re scared but I’ll be careful.”

He could feel her shaking and he fell to her side and hugged her against him. His hands rubbed soothing circles on her back as he continued to beg her. “It’s ok. It’s going to be fine. It’s my first time too. We can learn together. There is nothing to be afraid of.” 

His words hit her like a ton of bricks. He didn’t know. Haymtich hadn’t told him anything. All this time she believed that he was aware of her trouble he had assumed she was ignorant and fearful of the pain of losing her virginity. She was in trouble. She was in deep trouble and she didn’t know what to do. 

“It’s not that” she lied. “I just…I’m on my courses right now. We can soon, just not today.” 

Peeta looked sad as he sat back but he still held her a while longer. Dinner was late that night and it was also very quiet. He was crushed. She hadn’t been truthful with him. He knew she wasn’t on her monthly. He saw the rags on the drying line two weeks ago. She had made it up just so she wouldn’t have to be with him. He had hoped that intimacy and honesty between them would grow after what they had shared today but that was clearly not the case. She didn’t want him and he had no idea how to change her mind. 

Katniss was too lost in her own thoughts to notice his withdraw. Peeta had thought her an unblemished bride when he had agreed to their wedding. He didn’t understand what her issues where and very soon he was expecting to deflower her. She had bought herself a few days with her falsehood but she had also established a very short timeline. She was going to have to let him and soon. She was just hoping that his lack of experience would ensure that he didn’t notice hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...Katniss discovered what men do when no one is around. You know he has been doing this out in the barn every since she arrived but now he got brave enough to do it in the cabin. Peeta, you rebel. It was actually good for her. It is a much more normal thing that the sexual experiences she has been exposed to in the past. 
> 
> It is also clear from her thoughts that she wants that relationship with him she is just scared. Poor girl. 
> 
> Peeta also finds out that Katniss can sing. What an awesome scene. It makes him quiet and reflective though because he was already falling for her and now he knows he is a total goner. She is behind him though in this falling head over heals thing and that worries him. He has some concerns about the uneven nature of how it is evolving but he doesn't realize how much she cares for him too. 
> 
> The picnic was romantic and I love Peeta's awkward attempt to "sweep her off her feet" and how she is oblivious to the fact that it was a total fail. 
> 
> Super important lines: She wanted to be Kat. She closed her eyes and let herself dream. Kat was a woman with a family who was well loved and cherished. She had roots and a home and she wasn’t afraid of the full affections of a man. Yes, she wanted very much to be that person. 
> 
> We find out more about both of their pasts and some unexpected things about Peeta.
> 
> Katniss also discovers that he still thinks she is a virgin. We have known from his thoughts for a while that he thought this but now she knows it too and it is making her even more panicky about a first time. For his part, Peeta is reading her reluctance as rejection of him. What a mess.


	10. Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss wrestles with how to reveal the truth of her past to Peeta when an unexpected accident threatens to make it a mute point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million to everyone following and leaving feedback on the story. I could not do it if it were not for you. 
> 
> I am anxious to here your thoughts on this update. It contains a more unexpected plot element than the previous ones.

Katniss agonized over how to tell Peeta that she was no longer a virgin but she could find neither the words nor the nerve to actually do it. What was she supposed to say? “Peeta, I’m sorry but I’ve been with a man before and I thought Haymitch already told you?” She sighed. She knew that he would be furious. Worse than that, he would be deeply disappointed and he would feel betrayed. She hadn’t deliberately mislead him but she was afraid that he would not see it that way. 

They still hadn’t been together so if she told him the truth now they could still get an annulment. Nausea rolled through her, she didn’t want to leave. She wanted him to smile and hold her hand. She couldn’t stand to see the look in his eyes when he discovered what she was. He wouldn’t reach for her again. He would cast her aside. He had quickly become her closest friend and now she was going to lose him. 

It was still very early but she dressed and headed to the barn for morning chores. She milked Johanna who she swore was getting larger by the day. When she approached Smokey he eyed her wearily. He didn’t rebuff her attentions but he wasn’t as relaxed with her as he was with Peeta. “Hey boy” she said gently, stroking his mane. He was beautiful despite his many scars and he was strong and sure footed. Most people would have written him off after the injuries he had suffered but Peeta had seen that he was still a good horse. He had worked with him and given him time and rest to heal. 

“Maybe he’ll see something of value in me too” she told the animal extending an apple in greeting. This, he was happy to see and he took it from her greedily. She laughed at how easily won over he was and she took out his brush and spoiled him further before serving his breakfast. He nodded and nuzzled her hand. She could see why Peeta loved him. He was loyal and grateful when treated well. If only human relationships were so simple. 

On their wedding day, she had still been mighty uncertain that this was the right step for her life but now she knew that it was. He needed her and she wanted to be a good wife to him. She would do what he asked or what was best for him from here on out but she couldn’t change the past. Her guilt grew all the more when they saw Delly at church and she informed Peeta that the goods he had ordered had arrived. The three of them stopped at the store together on their way home and loaded them up. 

She now owned 3 new dresses, a brush and set of combs for her hair, and a soft white night gown that she was too terrified to even try on. He wanted to see her in it. But what if he didn’t like what he saw? She was overwhelmed by his generosity but concerned that she was wholly underserving of it. He had also purchased a family Bible that sat on the chest at the foot of the bed. He had been very proud to present it to her as a wedding present after he had entered both of their names in the front. He was every bit the perfect and gentlemanly Christian husband and she felt like an imposter. 

She also felt remorse over their sleeping arrangements. The nights were getting cold and when the fire died down she knew that both of them were chilly. She expected him to push her again about sharing the bed but he had let the topic of conversation drop. She was doing her best not to shiver one night when she heard him calling out in the darkness. This wasn’t like the time she had caught him self-indulging. The fear and pain in his voice were clear as he begged someone to stop. 

She wasn’t sure how to comfort him but when she recalled the times he had held her close she knew she had to try. She slipped out of bed and went over to jostle his arm. He didn’t wake and continued to toss and turn so she shook him harder. She called his name repeatedly and his eyes fluttered open and tried to focus. 

Peeta had been lost in the same old nightmare, doing his best to run away as the carriage bore down on him. He was terrified that it would strike him again. It might kill him this time and he had to get away. He heard someone calling for him and when he managed to respond he saw Katniss hovering beside him. Her hair was loose and the soft glow of the fire played on her face. His wife was here. He could relax.

He let out the breath he had been holding and she slid into his bedroll beside him. She kissed his cheek and nestled her head against his chest. He inhaled her scent and ran his fingers through her long dark locks. She never wore it down so this was a coveted luxury. He loved her already and her presence brought him a sense of peace. 

When his heart had slowed and her breathing became more and more heavy he tried to move her back to the bed. “No” she murmured against his chest. “You need me to be with you tonight” she protested. “It’s ok” he soothed as he placed her beneath the covers. You woke me. I’m fine now.” Her expression became obstinate. “Stay here with me then” she told him. He sighed. “Katniss, I’ll be right over there. I know you don’t want to sleep together.” 

“You don’t know what I want” she huffed in exasperation. “I know you aren’t ready for relations yet” he observed. “You’ve made that abundantly clear.” She couldn’t argue with that. “Peeta” she said firmly. “The nights are getting cold and I want to be closer to you. Please come to bed. We are husband and wife. We should be sleeping together.” 

He didn’t like her reasoning. He didn’t want his wife to share his bed because of social expectation or weather. He longer for her to actually desire him. He craved her love and acceptance. That wasn’t what she was offering though and it was becoming increasingly painful to accept anything less. He brought the covers to her chin and kissed her forehead before returning to his roll on the floor. 

Katniss knew that she had made this bed but she had no intention of lying in it. At least not by herself forever. The chill returned and she clenched her teeth together to keep them from chattering. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. He was cruel not to come to her when she had asked and he was a fool for sleeping on the floor when he could be sharing the bed. She let her anger boil within until she finally reached over and gave the pillow beside her a good punch. It felt good and she repeated the gesture several times over until she felt her hurt and frustration diminish. 

She laid on her back and tried to think about things from his perspective. He had sent for a wife and she had come to take that role. He had held up his end of the bargain once they had decided on it. She had worked hard for him but so had he for her. He had shared everything and truly given her the best of what he had. She slept in the bed. He did the hardest chores whenever she let him. He had been kind and considerate and he had also shared things with her about his past. 

He had done his part and still she hadn’t slept with him. He had given her more time at her request. It wasn’t fair of her to expect him to sleep at her side and not touch her. He was a man and he had urges. He came to her when she needed him for comfort but she had not come to him when he needed her for relief. She wasn’t a good wife. She needed to face this with him. She needed to fulfill her part of the agreement. 

Silently, she reached into the chest and retrieved the nightgown he had bought her. Her nipples puckered from the cold as she removed his old shirt that she slept in and pulled it on. She doubted that he was sleeping. She had to have woke him with the little tantrum she had just thrown. He had added to the fire before returning to bed and she could see his look of surprise as she joined him. 

She held her chin up as she agreed to face the inevitable. “I’m ready Peeta” she informed him. “I’m…I’m ready to be with you.” Her lip quivered and she did her best not to cry. His lips found the edge of her mouth and the side of her face. “You’re gorgeous in this Kat” he whispered. “And I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything…But…You aren’t ready. I can see that. I’m sorry for everything. I just want you to be happy and I want it to be me who makes you happy. Being with me wouldn’t be a good thing for you right now.” 

She closed her eyes and a tear fell. He opened his arms she came to him. She cried into his nightshirt and he rocked her gently. “You make me happy” she sobbed and he wanted to believe her. She didn’t want physical intimacy with him but she sought him out in all other ways. When she had completely exhausted herself he watched her face relax in sleep. He wasn’t lying. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever known. The gown was cut low and he could see the tops of her breasts through the opening in the bedroll. Her figure was filling out and he smiled. Not because of his desire to possess her but because she was gaining in health. She was doing better with each passing day. He was glad that he was playing a role in it. 

The next night she refused to sleep on her own. He climbed into his bedroll and she joined him. They were both stubborn and suffered on the floor for nearly a week before he relented and joined her in their bed. He had no intention of ever sleeping apart from her again. 

The light early snows had come and gone and the farm work was continuing to slow. He took long walks with Katniss every day. They roamed the land and made plans for the future. There were so many improvements he wanted to make and she was equally enthused about the potential of the investments. He observed that there were times when she was troubled but when they spoke of the years to come and the bounty that awaited them she was completely radiant. 

He mentioned children several times and she seemed supportive but still no more willing to engage in the act that created them. He was starting to wonder what she actually knew about sexual intercourse. Perhaps she didn’t know what to expect. Her mother had died when she was still relatively young and she had never mentioned a beau. Maybe she had never been explained what was involved. She had befriended Cecelia and she was an older and married woman but he didn’t know if women spoke of such things to one another. Haymitch wasn’t the proper person to explain things and he couldn’t imagine how awkward it would be for him to bring it up with Delly. She was a single female but he doubted she was completely innocent given some of Thom’s bragging. 

He was mulling things over once again when he saw his bride approaching. It was the warmest day in weeks and she held a basket in her hand. “Peeta” she exclaimed. “I can’t believe it. I found some berries by the woods and they are still good.” His answering grin fell to the floor along with the heart inside of his chest. “You didn’t eat them did you?” he asked in alarm. His sharp tone frightened her and she nodded, her pulse starting to pick up pace. He rushed forward. “Let me see them” he called and ripped the basket from her hands. “Katniss” he yelled. “This is nightlock.” 

He could tell by the look on her face that she had no idea what it was. He was an idiot. He should have cautioned her when she first arrived but he thought she knew. He hated himself for his thoughtlessness. They didn’t have them back home, of course she didn’t know. She screamed as he lunged for her. He grabbed her and shoved two of his fingers down her throat. She thought she was suffocating and dry heaved around them. He held her tighter and shoved them down again. She vomited on the ground. He repeated the gesture again until her stomach bile stained his work pants. 

When he released her she could see that he was crying. Her life was over. “Am…am I going to die?” she asked weakly. He pulled her close and hugged her quickly before whistling for Smokey. He pulled her up beside him and took off in a direction she had yet to travel. “No Kat” he whispered in her ear. “You won’t die. They are out of your body now and I’m going to get you some help. You’re going to live. I’m going to keep you with me.” 

Peeta was out of his mind with worry. If he didn’t get her to the healers quickly she would surely perish. Already, she was woozy and coming in and out of consciousness in his arms. The berries caused strong and sometimes frightening hallucinations. She would suffer and he couldn’t bear to see her endure more pain. He would gladly swallow the poison in her stead but that wasn’t an option. He had one hope and he was riding towards it with all the speed he and Smokey could muster. 

When he reached the Indian encampment he went straight for the trading house. The healers would not be present but he needed an interpreter and he needed one fast. He was relieved to see a young brave who he had traded with several times before. The young man’s English was broken but more than adequate for the situation and he understood far more than he could speak. As Peeta entered everyone turned to him with raised eyebrows. They were accustom to him being a single man and he carried Katniss bridal style and completely unconscious. “You wish trade her?” the brave called out. “I give you horse and sister.” 

His smile faltered when he saw Peeta’s face. “My woman is very sick” he told him. “She ate some nightlock berries and she needs medicine. I can pay very much.” The young man nodded and led him quickly to another enclosure. He had never been in it before but guessed by the decoration and the people standing outside that it housed the medicine men. They went immediately to the front of the line and ducked inside. The brave spoke quickly to a man at the entrance and then motioned for him to bring her further within. 

“Grandmother” the young man told him gesturing to one of the women in attendance. “She give woman medicine. You trade with me for what I say.” Peeta nodded. “Yes” he agreed. “You give my woman the medicine and I’ll give you anything that you want in return. That is a good trade.” The agreement was made and the older woman went to work making a potion for Katniss to drink. It was the first time Peeta had dared to breathe even somewhat deeply since she told him what she had eaten. Nightlock had killed many whites over the years but Indians sometimes managed to survive. Peeta would be concerned that they were just leading him on and telling him what he wanted to hear but they hadn’t demanded the trade up front. If they knew Katniss was going to die they would have made sure to secure the goods in advance. 

When she had taken the cup prepared for her Peeta sat and held her close. She kept mumbling and calling for Prim. The woman mixed a second amount and shoved it into his hand some time later. She coughed and nearly chocked on it but he eventually forced it down. The sun was getting lower in the sky and he wondered if the tribe would allow them to spend the night. He doubted it. A group of them had died after taking a white woman hostage years ago and they generally considered them to be a bad omen. Many whites carried disease from the eastern cities so they probably weren’t very far off the mark. 

The young man returned a few minutes later. “Woman” he said motioning to Katniss. Peeta could tell that the other man was searching for the words that he needed. “Woman… die soon or no die.” Peeta nodded, although the sentence was poorly constructed he understood the message. 

By the time he had her home night had fallen. He wished he could get word to Haymitch but there was no way he was going to leave her and there was no one to fetch him. Her body was drenched with sweat and he brought his hand to her forehead. A fever raged beneath her sun kissed skin. Desperation crawled beneath his own. 

He stripped their bed down to a single covering and laid her atop it. He didn’t want to start a fire but the temperature was dropping and while he needed to cool her he didn’t want her to freeze. He was also in need of light to work by. He removed her dress and even her drawers and chemise. Her body was revealed to him for the first time but it only caused a wave of anguish. She was young and fresh and perfect and she might well be dying. He should have given her a way out when she first arrived. If he had she wouldn’t have fallen victim to his negligence. 

He fetched water and bathed her throughout the long hours. She cried out again and again in her delirium. She begged for her sister, her father, and also for him. His heart swelled with love as he washed her fragile body. His Katniss may not love him yet but she wanted him, she needed him. By morning she was still breathing but her fever hadn’t broken. Water flowed from her eyes and she had defecated everything that remained in her digestive tract. 

His handles trembled as he propped her up against him to drink again and again. He registered relief each time that she swallowed. If she stopped taking water she wouldn’t make it. He turned her on her stomach and washed and gently rubbed the scars on her back. If she died he vowed to find the perpetrator and kill him. Without her, his life wouldn’t have much meaning anyway. 

He bowed in prayer for hours begging for her life. He asked forgiveness for every unkind thought or deed he had ever had and for hers as well hoping that if he could make them right with their maker she would not be taken as a sacrifice. When he couldn’t pray anymore he made her every promise one person could make to another. If she could just get well he would take better care of her. He would never be short tempered and he would love her so exquisitely. 

By the time evening came he was nearly as disoriented as her from hunger and lack of sleep. He held her hand and kissed her face repeatedly. He recalled how strong willed she was. How wonderfully determined and full of life when confronting even the greatest challenges. He sat and spoke to her deep into the night. He confessed his fear of her rejection and his desires for their future together. He was completely exhausted but doing his best to cram a lifetime of conversations into a single night just in case this was his last chance to talk to her. Eventually, he succumbed to his need for rest, but he did so with her fingers wrapped in his. 

He woke to the sound of Johanna calling from the barn. She had to be completely miserable. His hand flew to Katniss’s brow and he could tell that her fever was subsiding. A grin spread across his face and he let out a loud whoop as he ran towards the barn. He dispensed with his chores in record time and returned to sit with her. Although she had yet to regain consciousness she wasn’t dead. In fact, her condition was noticeably improving. She was going to be alright. His wife was going to recover. 

He bathed her down again to remove the last residue of illness and sweat. He knew it was wrong but now that the immediate crisis had passed he couldn’t help but notice how lovely she was and his trousers were more than a little bit too tight. He was disgusted by his reaction. She had been on death’s door not a few hours before. Still, he couldn’t keep his body in check as he took in her gorgeous breasts, flat stomach, and the hair that covered her mound. What an amazing creature.

He dressed her in her nightgown which made it easier to contain his urges but not by much. Now that her survival was certain he had the courage to admit the depth of his affections. He stroked her cheek and professed his devotion. “My beautiful Kat, please come back to me” he whispered in her ear. “I care for you more than anyone or anything. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. If you never feel the same way I will still be the best husband that I possibly can.”

She heard his voice but as if at a distance and her eyes fluttered open. “Katniss?” he asked in disbelief. When he saw her grey eyes staring back at him he started to cry. “Katniss” he choked out in relief. He scooped her up and sat on the bed. He rocked her and covered her in kisses. Her body felt like it had been run over by a horse but Peeta was with her. He was cuddling her and calling her his darling. Telling her that he wanted and needed her more than his next breath. She wanted to soak in his affections but she knew that he was still in shock from the ordeal they had suffered. 

When she regained her bearings he sat her in a chair at the table. She was still as weak as a newborn kitten so she simply watched while he prepared a meal. They ate in near silence, just staring at the other and marveling that they were both still alive. She slept in his arms that night but he didn’t repeat his passionate professions and she felt sure that it was a retraction. She woke from nightmares and he soothed her but he didn’t kiss her lips or call her by pet names. 

 

Her heart was conflicted. She longer to hear those pretty words from him when not just an overreaction born from the imminence of her death but she also feared them. Was unsure what she would do if he loved her that deeply. They would belong to each other then, heart and soul and she couldn’t bear to be ripped away from him by quarrel or by tragedy. Life was too fragile to trust in deep and abiding companionship. 

Peeta was also in turmoil. His Katniss was safe. She was well and she was sleeping against his chest. For the moment that was the dominant reality. But he was certain that she had heard him. She knew of his love and did not return it. Worse, she did not even acknowledge it. Could he mean so little to her? He sighed and nuzzled her hair. It didn’t matter. His heart belonged to her regardless what worth she gave it. Katniss was on the mend and he had been given more time to be with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about leaving you a cliff hanger somewhere in the middle of this chapter but then I decided to be nice. It is tempting to believe that since she recovered that the incident with the berries is of little consequence but it does have lasting value as a plot element because it helps bring things into focus for Peeta. He was falling for her already but nearly losing her made it more urgent and real. Peeta also makes a sacrifice that we are not yet aware of that will help Katniss see how much she means to him too. That is really important because their bond will continue to be tested in the next chapter. Actually, it is going to face it's biggest challenge yet. 
> 
> I would love your thoughts on that as well as the continuation of their emotional and physical tug of war earlier in the chapter. They are both very stubborn and both trying to do the right thing.


	11. Rise and Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta attend a barn raising and it arouses thoughts and feelings within both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are about to head into the holiday season so I will do my best to get regular updates in but they most likely will not be every week. I have relatives coming to stay at my house in December and I have no idea how long they are staying so bear with me. I do my best to get to you weekly when my home is not serving as a barracks for an army of people. 
> 
> I love your thoughts and comments so please leave them for me if you have time. I won't update again before Thanksgiving so everyone who celebrates it have a great holiday!

Peeta kept her confined to the house for the next several days while she recovered. It was overkill but she knew that she had frightened him and he had cared for her so well that the least she owed him was a complete recovery. He had seen her naked and she couldn’t help but dwell on it during her long hours of rest. It had been strictly to care for her medical needs but it was still an intimacy that she had never experienced with another. She was actually glad that she had been unconscious. It had saved her a lot of anxiety. He had seen her meager feminine features and he still cared for her deeply. She relaxed at the knowledge that she had met with his approval. 

Haymitch stopped by and shook his head at her when he heard what she had done. “I warned ya bout them on the day we got here” he said. “You did not” she shot back. “Yep I did” he said “Must a been day dream’in bout lover boy here” he teased her. She made a face at him. “I hadn’t even met Peeta yet” she reminded him. “I didn’t know that he was handsome.” She caught herself a second too late and had to endure a whole evening of comments from the old man over dinner and cards. 

The next morning the ground was covered with snow and Peeta snored softly beside her. She could hear Johanna calling from the barn. For heaven’s sake that cow was obnoxious. She dressed quickly so that she could take care of the morning chores before Peeta could stop her. She milked the impatient animal and then fed and watered her. She tended her horse as well but when she came to Smokey she found his stall empty. That was odd. She looked around the barn but she didn’t see any tracks. “Peeta” she called and ran to the house. 

“Peeta” she yelled again flinging the door open. He turned to her in alarm as he pulled his pants into place. It would have been awkward if she were not so upset about the missing animal. “Smokey” she panted. “Smokey is gone.” 

She saw him relax and sit back down on the bed. He was silent for a moment trying to think of the right words. “Yes” he admitted. “I traded him to the Indians for the medicine we needed to cure you.” 

“But…” she sputtered. “You can’t do that. Peeta he was your horse. You saved him and loved him and he was your friend.” 

She was breathing fast again and he closed the distance between then and hugged her to his chest. “Kat” he said softly. “He is a damned good horse and I love him but he is still just an animal. You’re my wife. I didn’t think twice about trading him for your wellbeing.” She gave him a look of total disbelief. “We can buy another horse” he reassured her. “If I lost you…having him would have been no comfort to me.” 

Katniss thought about his words over the next few days. It made her sad every time she thought of Smokey but it also reminded her of the depth of her husband’s affections for her. She tried to process what it all meant but she honestly didn’t know what to do with it. She had never intended to have someone care for her so much. She wasn’t sure she wanted to accept that kind of responsibility and devotion. 

When the first snow melted a rider came to tell Peeta that they were putting up the barn. A family had experienced trouble on the journey and arrived late in the season. They had put everything into building a house for themselves and were now in desperate need of help to raise a barn or they would lose their animals to the cold. Talk of the event had been going on for a while but now they had the land cleared and were ready to proceed. 

Katniss didn’t normally like to be left out of performing the brunt of the labor but when they arrived she joined the women in preparing the meal and watched Peeta work with the rest of the men. She had no skills in construction and wouldn’t be a help anyway. Thom was serving as foreman and under his guidance the men made progress quickly. They wouldn’t be able to complete it today but if they could get the frame up the man and his sons could finish the rest. 

She observed the teamwork with something close to awe. She had never seen a structure take shape in a matter of just a few hours before. She also spent plenty of time observing her husband. He was easy to look at and his shirt stretched taught over his muscular chest. He was also well respected by others and trusted in the community. The sun caught in his blonde curls and she watched his arms flex again. Her face was getting heated and her breath coming fast. That man wanted to bed her. She had to turn away.

“So Katniss” Delly said coming over to put an arm around her. “How are things going with Peeta?” 

“Oh fine” Katniss told her. “Most of the autumn work is done and the farm had decent yields for the year.”

Delly rolled her eyes. “No Katniss” she sighed. “How are things going with YOU AND PEETA?” She accentuated her remark with a playful wink. 

“OH” the younger woman said starting to catch her drift. “Good, I mean we are still getting to know each other and all.”

Delly pulled her over to a couple of chairs away from the crowd. “Ok, ok” she said. “Cut the small talk, I need to know if that man is as good with his hands in the bedroom as he is working on that barn.” 

For a moment Katniss didn’t understand and then her face went crimson. “I…I don’t know” she admitted. “We just got married and we are still learning about each other and well…we haven’t been together that way yet.”

“What?” Delly exclaimed so loudly that half a dozen people turned around. Fortunately, when they saw who the source of the voice was they shrugged or smiled and just continued working. “You haven’t slept with Peeta yet?” she asked much more quietly. “Why not? He is so handsome and kind and it’s clear as day that he wants to be with you.”

“I was hoping to put it off as long as possible” Katniss confided. “I just…I have heard that is, that it is awfully painful and that sort of thing doesn’t appeal to me. I know they are my wifely duties and I will perform them when I need to but he agreed to give me a respite for now and I’m grateful.”

Delly looked her up and down as if sizing her up. “Look Katniss” she said gently. “I’m not sure what people told you or what your experience is but being with a man who loves you doesn’t have to cause pain. I mean the first time is uncomfortable but after that it can feel great if he takes the time to make love to you properly. I know Peeta and he would never hurt you.” 

Katniss still seemed unsure. “You know what it’s like?” she asked Delly hesitantly. She got a sheepish grin in return. “Sure, Thom and I have our fun when we want to and I had a beau when I was younger, before we came west too.” 

Katniss couldn’t believe that a woman would admit this but she wasn’t one to judge. “You really think that it will be alright?” she asked. “That Peeta knows how to do it so that it doesn’t feel bad?” 

Delly surprised her again by bringing her in for a quick hug. “He probably does” she said. “And if you try it and it doesn’t go well just come have another talk with me and I can have Thom speak with Peeta too. I know you were a mail order and I’ll be honest with you Katniss some of your reservations have me worried about you. But I also know that you have a patient husband and I think he will be able to allay some of your fears if you let him. It might help if you talk to him. Tell him some of the things that you are specifically concerned about and why.”

Katniss nodded even as she determined that she would never do such a thing. She couldn’t talk to Peeta about the past. She had no words for it and even if she did it was something that men could never understand. Even so, Delly had experience and she said that it could feel good. Maybe if she tried it with someone that she cared for and who cared for her in return she would find that Delly was right. 

Peeta enjoyed working with the guys. He didn’t know many of them well but he missed this kind of comradery over the last few years. It was tradition to break halfway through the day and for the women to serve the meal. As they sat he noticed the man next to him pull his wife onto his lap for a quick kiss. She was a bit flustered by his very public display but he could see the love in her eyes as she weakly chastised him. The man across the table had a young boy on his knee and his wife was clearly heavy with another. He glanced at Katniss. She kept her eyes on her plate and barely spoke to him as they ate. 

At first he thought that she was uncomfortable with the crowd but when she got up to clear the dishes he saw her talking and laughing with Delly and her cousin Annie. He continued to glance at her late into the afternoon. She was having a great time helping the women of the family store the unused food and continue work on a large quilting project. His heart ached. It wasn’t the other people she didn’t want to be with, it was him. 

Peeta was extremely quiet on the way home. Katniss wasn’t sure what the issue was. He had enjoyed working on the barn. She knew that he had. She tried to strike up conversation but it died quickly. She slipped her hand into his and he gave her a grateful smile but it also seemed kind of sad. Perhaps she should confess some of the thoughts and feelings she had been having to him. She just wasn’t sure how to bring it up. 

It was late when they returned home and they split the chores before eating a quick dinner. It was cold and stale but they were both ravenous and they devoured it despite its lack of appeal. When they went to clean up she noticed that he practically threw his dishes and when he stubbed his toe he kicked the chair so hard that it nearly fell over. She tensed in alarm. He was angry and it had the effect of making her nervous and jumpy. Like she was walking on eggshells and the slightest mistake might cause him to fly into a rage. 

He went to fetch water for her basin and when he charged back into the house he ran right into her. He grabbed her upper arms to keep her from falling back and lifted her back towards him to steady her. Her eyes screwed shut and she brought her arms up as if bracing herself for a blow that never came. His earlier frustration evaporated. His hands loosened but still held her. “Kat” he said softly. She didn’t move. “Kat” he repeated and her eyes opened but she didn’t hold his gaze. “I would never do that” he said. “I would never ever hurt you, no matter how angry I am.” 

Her breathing started to return to normal and he brought her in for a hug. “What did I do?” she asked. He shook his head. “What did I do to make you so mad at me?” she insisted. 

“It’s not you” he sighed. “It’s me. I’m just frustrated with myself, with this marriage, with the whole situation. It’s not your fault though.” 

She took a seat at the table, indicating that she wanted to talk it out. “Well it sounds like it’s at least partially my fault. I am a part of this marriage.” He took his seat next to her. His head fell into his hands and he rubbed his temples in an attempt to alleviate some of the pain. 

“This whole thing is just a lot more complicated than I thought it would be” he confessed. 

“I know you aren’t happy” she said. “At least not today. You seemed fine the last couple of weeks but ever since lunch you’ve been frowning at me.” He looked at her and she could see the strain in his face. His eyes looked haunted and for once he appeared much older than his 26 years. He got up and began to pace. 

“I thought that I could do this” he said. She wasn’t sure if he was speaking more to himself or to her. “After so long alone I thought that having companionship would be enough, that I could be satisfied with your presence here.” Her heart sank. She wasn’t enough for him. He was stuck with her but he wasn’t pleased about it. 

“I’m sorry Peeta” she said and he stopped to look at her. “I’ve been trying my best but I can understand your disappointment. I mean…you didn’t choose me and I haven’t been the wife that I should be to you. But I’m ready to do that, I really am.” She stood and began to unbutton her dress. She was going to offer herself like a sacrificial lamb and it was more than he could bear. 

“Stop” he said, reaching to still her fingers. He held her hands in his. “Katniss, don’t.” Her eyes lowered to the floor. 

“So now you don’t want me for that either?” she asked. For a moment she seemed so sad, almost like she did that day that he found her on the prairie. But when she lifted her chin he saw her signature defiance. “That isn’t fair” she spat. “Peeta, I have been trying. I know that I’m not as well-endowed as Delly but I’ve been eating and I’m starting to fill out. I kiss you. I hold you at night. I cook and clean and I know more about the farm than you do. I’m not all bad and we married because you said that was what you wanted. You can’t just throw me away because I’m not living up to your memories of Madge or the precious fantasy life that you’ve built up over time in your head.”

She was really upset with him. She was pushing back on what she believed to be unfair criticisms and she was absolutely radiant. He moved his hand to capture her cheek and rubbed his thumb against it. It wasn’t a slow or gentle motion. It was swift and laced with passion. “That’s just the problem with you” he stated. “You’re so full of energy and life. You make me long for things with a strength that I have never known. You make my heart ache for the impossible.”

Her expression morphed into one of confusion. She shook her head and started to back away. “What…what are you talking about?” she stammered. 

“Today at the gathering” he started. “I kept watching all of the other men surrounded by their wives and children and I couldn’t help but be eaten up by jealousy. Most of their women are here because they want to be and they have children to show for their mutual desires.”

He took another step forward, she took another back. “I have a wife Katniss but you are only here because you have to be. If you had any other choice you wouldn’t eat dinner with me or lay in my arms at night.” He lowered the hand he had outstretched in her direction and relaxed his shoulders. “That isn’t your fault though” he sighed. “It’s just that envy that burns in my gut because of what I saw in those other women’s eyes today.” He sat back down in his chair. “It’s hard for me that their wives love them while mine does not. I thought that I could live like that but things have changed and now every day gets more and more difficult.”

She returned to her seat and took his hand. “What’s changed?” she asked. “Why don’t you want to honor the agreement we made?” 

He squeezed her hand. “I will Kat. I will honor my vows to you, don’t you ever doubt it.” She continued to stare at him unmoving. He let out a long breath. She wasn’t going to let it pass. She was going to sit with him until she got an answer. He held her gaze and interlaced their fingers. “I love you Kat” he confessed. “I fell in love with you. That’s what changed.”

Of all of the things she could have imagined him blaming their troubled relationship on, that was what she least expected. Her face felt hot and she wobbled a bit and for a moment she thought she would faint. Peeta reached out to steady her. 

“Are you ok?” he asked, shifting his chair so that he could put a hand at her back. She nodded but she could feel her breathing coming fast. 

“How…how do you know?” she asked. 

He was taken back by the question but he couldn’t help but smile. “How do I know that I’m in love with you?” he clarified. She nodded. He took just a moment to put his thoughts into words. “You’re the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last image in my head before I fall asleep at night. I dream about your smiles and your hair falling around me. I have to check with you before I make a decision because you’re smart and have good judgement. You are very discerning and are one of the few people whose opinion and respect matters to me.”

Her heart was hammering in her chest as he continued his description and the light stroking of her hand. “When you talk about your sister or Cecelia you do it with so much loyalty and devotion. I am dying for you to feel that for me too. I want to protect you and give you all of the emotions that are growing inside of me. I want a future with you and I fantasize about having children with you almost every day. I can’t imagine being married to anyone else and the thought of being separated from you makes me feel ill.”

His eyes turned a shade darker, his voice dropping slightly deeper as he admitted the extent of his desires. “My body is constantly in revolt against my attempts to tame it. I won’t lie to you Kat, I’d give anything to make you mine. I obsess about it day and night. Sometimes it is all I can do to limit myself to cuddles and kissing. I long to be inside of you, to feel your body accept me and make you fully me wife. You are incredibly beautiful and I know that you were made for my loving.”

He lowered his eyes to their hands but the intensity in them did not fade. “It’s been difficult to feel all of those things in the way that I do and to know that it isn’t the same with you. I know that you like me fine and you do a good job of caring for me. I just feel too strongly for you to want to take a mere friendship in return.”

When Peeta met her gaze again he found no rejection or regret. Even her usual hesitancy was absent. Instead, he saw his wonderful Katniss trying to hold back a smile. It faltered for a moment as she turned things over in her mind but once her decision had been made it returned with a vengeance. “Maybe you don’t have to” she said so softly that he almost couldn’t make out the words. 

“What? Wait, what do you mean?” he asked, somewhat baffled by the cryptic response.

“I asked you how you knew you loved me because I have no experience with it” she said. “At least not romantic love between a man and a woman. I’ve been trying to sort out all of my thoughts and feelings ever since I met you and they just keep getting stronger and more complicated. But if what you just described is love…then I love you too Peeta.” He couldn’t believe his ears and for long moments he just sat there staring at her. If it wasn’t such a heavy declaration she would laugh at him. She leaned forward and brought her hand to his cheek. 

“I watch you working in the fields and reading at night when you don’t know that I’m looking” she admitted. “Our walks are my favorite part of the day and I can’t wait to feel your hand in mine. Your eye lashes are long, you like to watch sunsets, you always double knot your shoe laces, and you never take sugar in your tea.” His heart filled with warmth at all the little things she had noticed about him. 

“Your arms are strong and they feel incredibly good wrapped around me. When I was sick you were the only thing that I wanted. Your smiles make butterflies take off in my stomach and I bring my hand to my womb a dozen times a day wondering what your babies will look like. I was lost Peeta. Very lost and all alone and then I came here and you started loving me every day and filling all of the voids. I’m very frightened because everyone I have ever loved was taken away from me but I want these wonderful feeling inside of me to continue to grow.”

She swallowed and took a deep breath. “I…I saw you” she stammered. “One night when you were…I don’t know…touching yourself under the blankets. I know I wasn’t supposed to but I watched you and ever since I can’t stop the throbbing between my legs when we lay in bed at night. Our kisses cause a fire in my belly and I want to feel your hands on my bare skin. I’ve never had these thoughts or yearnings for a man before and it has been very confusing but I think you know what we need to do about it and I’m going to trust you.” 

To Peeta it seemed like it happened in slow motion. Her standing and taking a step back from the chair. Her fingers moved to the front of her dress and slipped the buttons through each hole one by one. When it hung loose to her middle she removed her braid and shook it out to fall along her shoulders. The thick chocolate locks framed her face and her eyes never left his. This wasn’t like the times before. She wasn’t moving forward to please him. She wanted this. 

When she removed her chemise he thought he might die. He would certainly never recover the breath in his lungs. His faded memory of Rye’s girlfriend and his youthful musing about Madge crumbled into dust at the strength of the reality of the goddess in front of him. He let out her name on a groan and moved his hands to her hips. Gently, he moved her to stand in front of him. He stayed seated, not wanting to tower over and intimidate her. Besides, he was at the perfect height for what they both needed. 

He brought his hand forward slowly, fearing that if he touched her, the beautiful image before him would disappear. She reached out and grabbed it, bringing it straight to her chest. The moment he palmed her breast was one of the most exquisite of his life. Her eyes floated closed as he cupped the other and gently kneaded them. His thumbs rubbed her nipples repeatedly and her answering moans encouraged him. He could have played with her breasts all night but her head was titled back and he was dying to taste them. 

When he stilled his motions she opened her eyes to look at him. They were hooded with lust and brimming with pleasure. It was all the invitation he needed. She was his wife and he wanted to suckle her. 

Katniss was filled with the most amazing sensations from the treatment of Peeta’s hands. She never imagined her breasts could feel so wonderful. The pleasure only intensified as she watched him lean forward and kiss them. “Yes” her mind screamed again and again. She wanted him to keep kissing her but her intuition told her that there was more. She whimpered a soft “please” and he took one of her mounds deep into his mouth. His tongue flicked over her nipple and his lips sucked her with more pressure. Her back arched and she thrust herself forward for more. 

Delly was right. The things he was doing to her were nothing short of miraculous. He didn’t squeeze them too tight or grab or bruise her. His mouth was intent on pleasure, not just of him but for her as well. He had been working her right breast for a while and she was appreciating all of the loving but her left one felt extremely jealous. She lifted his head and guided him towards where she needed it. He mumbled something against her skin before licking and suckling that one as well. 

“Peeta” she chanted as he drove her crazy with his attentions. Her knees were growing weak and her center was incredibly wet. His eyes were startled when she pushed him back but he didn’t fight her. Disappointment registered on his face before she started to work on the front of his shirt. When she pulled it off he stood and carried her to their bed. His body was on auto-pilot, it had to get what it needed. He had been denied her too long. 

They tumbled onto the quilt and his kisses fell all over her neck and chest as he pulled his pants down. He removed her drawers and the feeling of his hand on her thigh started to spook her. She took a deep breath and refused to go to that dark place. She was here with Peeta and he was about to make love to her. His smile was beautiful as he checked for her willingness one last time. She loved him so much that even if this hurt like the devil she knew she would submit to him a hundred more times. She gave him a confident nod but was careful not to look below his waist. It was better if she didn’t know. 

Peeta pushed up her skirt and positioned himself at her entrance. He needed to calm down. He needed to go slow. The last thing he wanted to do was bring harm to her. He pushed forward and found her to be slick and ready. He took another deep breath. He was barely inside and already fighting his release. He inched forward and his eyes closed in ecstasy. She was hot and tight and she was his Kat. He was so lost in sensation that he didn’t realize how far he had gone until he felt the back of her womb. He looked to wear their bodies were joined and found that he was fully sheathed within. He frowned for a moment in puzzlement. He didn’t think that he had broken a barrier. 

He hoped that it had just happened easily for her until he saw the look on her face. It was filled with self-recrimination, her eyes shone with a mix of half-truths and the fear of discovery. He had never seen her look at him that way. That is when it hit him like a ton of bricks. She felt guilty. She had lied to him. She wasn’t a virgin. 

He saw it in his mind’s eye, her laying beneath another man. He heard her moans as he brought her to climax. He thought of all the nights he had waited thinking that she was nervous about her first time. It had nothing to do with apprehension about sex, she just didn’t want to have sex with him. Probably because she knew it would reveal the truth. He heard his mother saying that he was weak, useless and that no woman would want him. Something inside of him snapped. 

He pushed back and grabbed his pants. She moved quickly to cover herself. When he was semi-dressed again he turned to confront her. He couldn’t see her face as she huddled beneath the quilt. “Why Kat?” he asked. “Why did you lie to me? Was this just so that I would marry you and you could have the farm? I would have helped you anyway. Why did make me wait so long if you has already done it anyway?” He heard her sobbing and his heart twisted in his chest. He recalled what she looked like that day on the prairie and how desperate her situation was. He couldn’t say that he blamed her but he was still badly wounded and the sting of her betrayal nearly brought him to his knees. 

Katniss heard the slam of the door as he walked out into the night. She hadn’t been able to fake it. He knew and now that he could see what she really was he didn’t want her. The sobs wracked her body in a way that they hadn’t since her sister’s death. It had happened again. She lost the only person that she was certain that she loved and her heart shattered into a million pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are probably about ready to kill Peeta and yes...well me too so feel free to let me have it. Just keep in mind that this isn't the end of the story and that at this point he does feel rejected and lied to. He also doesn't know what happened to her in the past because she still hasn't told him. 
> 
> Katniss, this is just what our girl didn't need. It isn't going to be easy for them to come back from this but given their circumstances neither one of them can just walk away and that isn't who they are any way. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on where things stand and anything else from this chapter. I am sure there are some sad thoughts about Smokey. 
> 
> Next Chapter - Katniss and Peeta are struggling and both seek out Haymitch for advice.


	12. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suffering from heartbreak and confusion both Katniss and Peeta seek comfort and perspective from Haymitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone who celebrates it had a great Thanksgiving. I spent mine visiting family in Tennessee and I drove a minivan full of people on the track at Bristol Motor Speedway which I have to say is quite an experience (I definitely thought it was going to tip over and roll). 
> 
> You all did so great last week waiting for an update that I decided to give you this week's early. I know it was a killer leaving you with both of them so hurt and confused. 
> 
> Let's see what Haymitch has to say about this whole mess now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak.

Katniss could barely force herself out of bed the next morning. She didn’t want to rise and face the world. Not without Peeta and not without his love. She tried her best to turn the hurt into anger but she couldn’t. He had completely broken her heart and she was still in love with him. She refused to cry though. She would keep her face dry when she went out to the barn to face him no matter what it cost her. 

But when she opened the door she found no trace of him. He had to have milked Johanna or she would be protesting. His new horse was gone. He must have gotten up before dawn to avoid her. She went about the business of the day and by nightfall he still hadn’t returned. She readied herself for bed even as her thoughts lingered on him. It was dangerous to be on the prairie at night and bad weather could be coming. She picked up the nightgown he had given her but she couldn’t bring herself to wear it. She dug out one of his shirts. A very worn one that still smelled like him. She slipped it over her head. 

She woke twice in the night screaming but still he didn’t return. Her hand caressed the pillow beside her. Perhaps she had really lost him. He would be back in time she knew. This was his farm and he would never abandoned it. But would he ever desire her again? Would he be willing to work on rebuilding their partnership? Could they ever trust each other enough to even try?

Days passed in which he came around to do chores but she barely saw him. He never entered the house and he didn’t speak to her. Heart ache became devastation and then a grim finality. She felt as though she would be permitted to stay but that their marriage was over. She wasn’t sure that she could rightfully live in another person’s home and deprive him of his property. 

She debated a return to Georgia but she had nothing to return to. Nothing but her friendship with Cecelia and she didn’t want to cause the other woman any trouble. No, she would stay out west. But first she needed to work another season so that she could earn a share of the harvest to use as seed money. 

When another week had passed she understood the cabin fever Peeta had described when she arrived. She was so isolated and lonely that she often spent a good part of the day just wandering about the house talking to herself. She imagined Peeta walking through the door so many times that she almost thought that it was real. She needed to get out of the house and do something or she was going to lose her mind. She would have loved to go to Sunday service or speak with Delly but she could hardly go to town without having to talk about Peeta. 

When she had a day that she was fairly confident it wasn’t going to snow she saddled up her horse and rode in the direction she always saw Haymitch come from. It took some time but eventually she found his cabin and a barely conscious old man inside. She shook him but he wouldn’t wake. She felt a stab of alarm and grabbed a pitcher of water and poured it over his head. He came up sputtering and swinging and she jumped back out of his reach. He keeled over for a second and his body quaked with the force of his coughing. He covered his mouth with a rag and brought it back bloody. When his eyes managed to focus again he glared at her. 

“What’er ya do’in here girl?” he demanded to know. 

“Calm down Haymitch” she said evenly. “I wasn’t trying to kill you, just trying to wake you.” 

His grumpy disposition reassured her that he was ok and he changed his shirt and started a fire while she fixed them something to eat. When they were sitting at the table with soup in hand he gave her an appraising look. 

“Ya been sad ain’t ya?” he asked. “An quite a bit” he added without waiting on a response. “What’s go’in on with ya, more boy trouble?” 

Annoyed and hurt by his dismissive attitude Katniss stood to leave but he grabbed her arm and pulled her gently back to her place at that the table. 

“Alright, alright” he said. “Ain’t no call for teas’in. What’s go’in on down yonder with Peeta?” 

She sighed. “He hasn’t been here to see you at all recently?” she asked. He shook his head and she was flooded with disappointment. She considered down playing it and then decided that she had nothing to lose from telling him. If Peeta didn’t want her she would be leaving the area any way and Haymitch was the closest thing they had to a family friend. 

“We had a fight” she admitted. If he was surprised he gave no indication of it and motioned for her to continue. “We…I guess there is no easy way to say this…I’m not a virgin.” 

“Yep” he said slowly. “I figured that.” 

“No” she said in annoyance shaking her head. “I mean I wasn’t when you brought me here.”

“Figured that too” he answered. 

“Well Peeta didn’t” she huffed. “He didn’t at all and the other night we were…together for the first time and he found out and he hasn’t spoken to me since.” 

“He what?” Haymitch yelled. 

“He left Haymtich” she admitted. “He left me. He didn’t want to be with me anymore. He hasn’t come back to the house. I’m pretty sure he regrets that he ever laid eyes on me.” 

“God dammed foolish boy” Haymitch cursed getting up and hobbling over to a chest and withdrawing a small brown bag. He stumbled back to the table and set it in front of her without explanation. 

“Did ya tell’im?” he asked. “Did ya tell’im bout why ya ain’t a virgin no more?” he asked. 

She shook her head. “I couldn’t. He thinks that I lied to him but I thought that he knew and now he hates me.” 

Haymitch gave her a sad smile. “Hates that other feller an himself for fall’in in love with ya more likely” he said. “I reckoned the boy had more sense but parently not. I’m surprised he hurt ya like this girl. But the hurt’in ain’t go’in one way an ya should a told him the truth. It was a hell of a way fer him ta figure it out.” 

He motioned to the bag down in front of her. “That’s fer ya in case ya don’t want to stay round hear no more.”

She opened it and dumped the coins on the table. It was a sizeable amount of money, more than enough to get her set up in a new location. She looked up at him in surprise. 

“It’s the money Peeta done gave me ta fetch ya” he told her. “I saved it in case ya hated it here and didn’t want ta stay. I has try’in ta help but it’s yers so if ya want ta go ya got a way out. But Katniss…can ya do old Haymitch just one thing?” he asked. 

“Yes” she said, her voice starting to tremble at the reality of actually packing up to go. 

“Talk ta the boy just one time before ya go an take off alright?” 

She threw herself in his arms and cried. He hugged her and patted her back a bit awkwardly which caused her to laugh. He smelled awful but he cared about her and she clung to him harder. He assured her that everything was going to work out in the end. That she needed to come to terms with the past and that there was no way that was ever going to happen until she shared it with the man she loved. 

Haymitch watched her go with a weight of sadness. He had intended to bring her to a better life but it seemed as if the boy had handled things badly. He probably should have given him a good talking to a lot sooner. He found his way back to the fire and sat in his chair. He was an aging man, made much older by a life of drinking. His time was growing short and he hoped that he would see the girl again but he very much doubted it. The boy though, he would be showing up any time. 

His intuition proved right just a couple of days later when he was roused from a dreamless sleep by a knock at his door. He was feeling very poorly and chose not to answer it. A concerned Peeta poked his head in a few minutes later. “Haymitch” he called. “Haymitch, are you alright?” 

The old man took a deep breath and began to cough. Peeta came over and helped him into a sitting position. He was surprised to find Haymitch sleepy but sober. He was unusually weak and Peeta had to help him to a chair. He glanced around the room and started the fire before moving the kitchen chair to sit beside him. 

Haymitch looked at the boy and shook his head. “Well ain’t ya just a beat’in pup” he observed. Peeta opened his mouth and started to speak but then stopped. All he felt was a mix of confusion and pain and he didn’t know where to start. “Save it” Haymitch instructed. “The girl done been hear already and I know yer a fool.” 

“Katniss” Peeta said in surprise. Somehow just the act of saying her name made him feel better, less lonely somehow. He couldn’t bring himself to face her the last few days but he missed her like crazy. “She was here? She talked to you about what happened? What did she say? Why did she lie to me? Does she miss me? Does she want me to come home?” 

“Settle, boy…just settle” Haymitch said. Something seemed off, his breathing was heavy, labored even. “Girl said ya finally done the deed an found out she ain’t no virgin an now ya don’t want her no more.” 

Peeta leaned forward and held his head in his hands. His fingers raked through his hair in frustration. “I want her Haymitch, God knows I do. I want her like I want my next breath no matter what she’s done. It just really hurts that she lied to me and that she refused me for so long when she has already been with someone else. Does she feel so little for me that she won’t share her body with her own husband but was willing to give it to another man?”

Haymitch gave out a low whistle. “It’s worse than I was think’in” he said. “Boy, ain’t ya got a brain in yer head?” Peeta gave him a blank look, more confused than ever. 

“Did she ever done say she’s a virgin? Huh? Did she ever say it never?” 

Peeta thought back on this. No, he had assumed she was but she had never actually told him that. She was a young woman who had never been married. He had no reason to think she had marital relations before. He shook his head. 

“Listen here boy” Haymitch said, his voice softening. “An pay attention real good cause it’s likely ta be the last time I am gett’in ta say it. I was like you once. Loved a little gal so much I couldn’t stand it. I met her at a whore house though an she had herself a history. She was want’in to change, lead a better life but my stubborn ass could never git past it. We loved each other but I couldn’t saddle myself to a woman who’d been past round so one day I rode out an left her behind.”

He got a distant look in his eye and shook with another round of coughing before he continued. “Spent my whole damn life lov’in a woman I left ta the wolves an regret’in every minute of it.”

Peeta was shocked. He had no idea that Haymitch once had a sweetheart. No wonder he drank so much. “Why didn’t you go back for her?” he asked. “Apologize, tell her how you felt.”

“I did” Haymitch admitted. “But by the time I pulled that burr out a my rear years had passed an she had moved on. She went an found another John who was a fool fer her and married him. They had themselves a farm an kids and all. That’s one of the folks I went back east to say my goodbyes ta. Her an some kin folk.” 

Haymitch stared into the fire for a long minute. “I’m dy’in” he admitted. “I’ve known fer a while. Won’t be but a day er so now.”

Peeta couldn’t move. He knew Haymitch was ailing, but he had been on the down turn since he had met him. It couldn’t be so close to the end. He couldn’t imagine this place without the old man in it. Could not accept that he wouldn’t be stopping in on his way to town ever again. Tears began to gather in his eyes. 

“Now see here” Haymitch scolded. “I ain’t go’in to have no cry’in. It’s my time boy an now that yer girl’s here with ya. I’m think’in it be the right time.”

He started coughing again and Peeta reached out and steadied him. “Yer gal’s here” Haymitch said and Peeta could hear the urgency in his voice, the desperation to reach him. 

“She’s here and she’s need’in ya. She ain’t said noth’in bout it but it’s plain ta see that the girl’s been hurt some’thin fierce. She ain’t no virgin but I don’t reck’in that was her choice.”

His words illuminated an awful truth that started eating Peeta alive. “You mean you think that someone forced Katniss?” he asked. 

Haymitch nodded. “Ain’t ya seen how uneasy she’s with men folk? How she ain’t no seeker of touch’in folks nor be’in handled?”

Peeta needed to get some air. He rushed for the door and pushed it open feeling as though he might suffocate. He took several cleansing breaths but still had to hunch over and dry heave. It was true. He knew it was true and the pain was swift and overwhelming. Some monster had rapped his beautiful Katniss. He could punch himself for all the foolish and insensitive things he had done and said. He would never have pushed her if he had known. Doing something like that to a woman was just something that had never occurred to him. 

He needed to go to her. Haymitch was right. No matter what happened in the past she was his wife and he was in love with her. They needed each other. Despite anything that they had or hadn’t done physically, they had become a unit since their marriage, a family. It pained him that someone had treated such a precious treasure with complete disregard but he wanted to show her that it could be different. If he had to throw himself at her feet and beg for forgiveness he would. If they could heal things he would make it up to her. With the greatest care he would give her the pleasure she deserved and had perhaps never known. 

When he had regained some semblance of control he returned to Haymitch’s side. “There’s someth’in else ya need ta know” the old man managed weakly. “I didn’t spend that money ya done gave me ta find er. I kept it just in case she wasn’t keen on this place or yer sorry hide. When she came ta see me she was look’in fer ya. I gave it ta her. So she could take off an make it if y’all can’t work it out. Didn’t…didn’t want ta trap er here.” 

Peeta nodded. It had been the right thing to do even though his heart flooded with fear. He had forgotten about the money. He was just so glad that Haymitch had brought someone that he hadn’t thought through how much of it that he might have needed to bring her. “What did she say?” Peeta asked. “When you gave her the money?”

“Not much” Haymitch coughed. Peeta could tell that speech was becoming difficult for him. “She done made me a promise though. Said she’d talk it out with ya before she took off.”

Peeta relaxed. He was still deeply concerned about her decision. He had been completely insensitive to leave her after they had been together for the first time and his continued absence was juvenile and self-centered. But Katniss was a woman of her word and if she had pledged to Haymitch that she would speak with him she would. He would have at least one chance to change her mind. 

Although he hated himself for it he wished that Haymitch hadn’t given her the money. It would make it much easier for her to pack up and ride away. He was going to have to face his greatest fear. That given the chance to live her life without him she would be happier on her own. It was a terrifying prospect, but if she stayed he would know that her heart was with him in their bed and not just her body. 

Peeta sat by his friend late into the evening and finally worked up the courage to ask about how he should approach being intimate with Katniss if she ever allowed him to again. Most of Haymitch’s typical gumption was fading and although he gave him hell a couple of times he mostly advised him in the way a father might a son. As the hours passed the old man spoke less and less. By the time the night was deep he had become unresponsive. Peeta recalled their long conversations and games of cards. He remembered the look on Haymitch’s face when he would tease Katniss about her budding affections for her new husband. He was a good friend. 

As the early rays of light peeked in the windows Haymitch’s heart beat it’s last. He had called for someone named Effie throughout the night and Peeta knew that his last thoughts had been of her. He felt oddly calm as he made his way to the shed and found a shovel. It took time, digging a grave and Peeta was glad that the ground wasn’t completely frozen. He used the hours that it took to commit himself to following a different path. He had done his share of running in his life but he needed to face this thing with Katniss. He needed to do everything in his power to care for her and give her a good life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, sad, sad sad...I have to get some sad in there. Apparently I like things that are sad. It was his time though and he was able to pass on his greatest life lesson at the end. 
> 
> If I was reading this for the first time I would have noticed and maybe been a bit against the fact that Katniss isn't really mad. She is crushed by his rejection but she doesn't have some of the indignation that she should at being rejected by her husband for something that happened in that past. It did not escape my attention that this is the case. Nor do I think it fine or fair to shame a woman for her lack of virginity regardless of the time period. 
> 
> The issue for Peeta is that he feels lied to and rejected by her. The issue for her is that she thinks she does deserve to be rejected. That is a huge element that we are going to take up as this moves on. She thinks it is reasonable for him to think less of her and to want to be rid of her. Dealing with the truth of what happened to her in the past and seeing it for what it really was is going to be very difficult for her, but if she can what an opportunity for growth and freedom. 
> 
> I would love your thoughts on this chapter or some of the thoughts above in my notes. I also got a little Hayffie in this chapter. It's all for you people...it's all for you. 
> 
> I know some of you have trouble reading Haymitch's dialogue because of the slang and poor grammar it is written in. If you have specific questions or need parts of it written in simpler or more direct English let me know and I am happy to include this in replies in the comments section. It won't be an issue anymore after this chapter obviously.
> 
> Next Chapter- Peeta and Katniss face each other again for the first time and Peeta shares the news of the passing of Haymitch.


	13. The Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the passing of Haymitch, Peeta returns to the cabin and to his wife. They have a lot to talk about. Can Peeta accept her past? Will Katniss find the strength to tell him the whole story?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry people, this month has been totally crazy for me. A whole house full of people and no time to write for all of you. 
> 
> I hope everyone had a great holiday season. 
> 
> It took a major effort to even get this update finished for me so please leave me your thoughts and feedback on this story and its characters and themes if you can. 
> 
> I do want to include a sincere warning that this chapter contains a detailed description and discussion of past sexual abuse including rape and the thoughts and feelings that result from it. Please do not read if this is a trigger for you or you believe that it may be upsetting or offensive.

Katniss was worried sick. Peeta had been avoiding her for sure, but he had been doing his chores and she had seen him coming and going. Now a whole day had passed and there was no sign of him or his horse. He could be lying somewhere on the prairie hurt or wounded by attack. She had debated riding out to look for him several times but she knew it was a fool’s errand. It was dark and she would never succeed in such a mission. Instead, she added a few logs to the fire and slipped one of his shirts on. If she could smell him she knew he would come home to her. She was deeply hurt and frustrated by his behavior but the thought of never seeing him again left her bereft. 

She looked at the sack of money sitting on the table. She still hadn’t decided what she should do. She loved Peeta and she wanted to stay and work things out but she wasn’t sure that he felt the same or if he could be trusted with her heart. If there was no chance that he would feel soft and affectionate toward her again then she should go. She couldn’t grow old tolerating his cold disregard and longing for his devotion. Being lonely with a man who had once made her feel so special would be too cruel a fate. 

She checked the barn again. Still no sign of him. Just as she removed her wrap and turned to look out the window the door swung open. There he stood, her Peeta and he was alright. Her eyes narrowed as they took him in. No, he was not alright. His hair was dirty and he hadn’t shaved in days but more than that his face looked exhausted and his eyes much older than they actually were. He was more haggard than the young man she had met on the day she had first arrived. 

“Haymitch” he said and then covered his eyes with his hand. “Haymitch is dead…he passed this morning…I’m…I’m sorry Katniss.” 

She was in his arms in a flash and he opened his coat to hold her closer. He could hear her gentle sobs and she was shaking slightly. Sharing the news with another person made it real somehow and her grief begot his own. He could feel the tears slipping down his cheeks as he kissed her hair. 

The cabin was warm and cozy and as his adrenaline began to ebb he could barely stay on his feet. Katniss stepped back and reached out to steady him. That is where he had been. Staying with and probably burying their friend. His gaze was clouded with exhaustion. They had a lot to talk about but it would have to wait until he was in a better state. 

He followed her direction as she sat him down and removed his boots and outer clothes. His hands trembled but she wasn’t sure if it was from cold or if the events of the day were just taking their toll. When she had him down to is long johns she washed his face and tried to help him to bed. 

“No” he resisted. “I’m filthy and I stink.”

“I don’t care” she said dismissively. She was worried about him, not his aroma. When he was tucked in she stripped to her under clothes and curled up beside him. She could feel resentment and distrust welling up within but at the moment they needed each other and she wasn’t going to deny herself the comfort of sleeping with her husband. His snoring was soothing, a reminder of his steady presence and it didn’t take her long to join him. 

He wasn’t sure how to act the next morning so he went about his chores as usual. Katniss made breakfast and likewise behaved as if nothing were amiss. Outside the window snow was falling and they worked together to tie a lead rope from the house to the barn. The temperature was dropping rapidly so they spread extra bedding for the animals and moved more wood to the porch. 

By the time the work was finished they were both soaked to the bone. Peeta hauled the wash tub and Katniss prepared the water. When it was full he insisted that she go first.

“I’ll just wait in the barn” he said, turning to go. 

“Peeta wait” she called. He came to a stop. 

“You aren’t going out in that awful weather. Your clothes are wet. You’ll get sick. I know things are…strained between us right now but you’re still my husband. Just turn your back and put your clothes on the drying line. I’ll be quick about it.”

He thought about refusing but she was right. It was silly for him to leave and they needed to clear the air between them. He tried his best to concentrate on hanging his clothes to dry but he grew hard as he heard the sound of her washing in the tub. Her body was naked, gorgeous, and just a few feet away. Haymitch had given him a few ideas of what he should do to ease her into accepting him and fantasies of trying each of these things flooded his mind. 

Katniss washed quickly and then stepped out and wrapped herself in a blanket. As good as the water felt she knew Peeta had to be freezing and she wanted him to be able to use it before it grew tepid. 

“You can turn around now” she said softly. “I’m decent.”

He turned and had to disagree. Her feet were bare and he could see the tops of her breasts. Her hair was wet and a few trickles of water still clung to her face. There was no way he could hide his obvious arousal in his thin undershorts now that he had stripped off his long johns. 

Peeta stood and gaped at her for so long that she started to squirm. He might be displeased about her lack of virginity but judging by the front of his shorts it wasn’t enough to quell his attraction to her. 

“It’s your turn Peeta” she reminded him with a huff. One minute he was stomping off in disgust and the next he wasn’t able to look his fill. She would never understand men. 

Her words brought him back to his senses and when she turned to dress he climbed into the tub. The warm water brought life back to his fingers and toes. It wasn’t needed for other areas. The sight of her sitting on their bed brushing her hair did plenty to keep the rest of him hot. He had to remind himself that she was here and that he couldn’t touch himself to relieve it. 

When they were both dressed again Peeta added more wood to the fire. They brought their chairs close to it so that their hair would dry. They tried to start conversation but it was awkward and kept dying off after just a few words. This would be the first deep freeze and Katniss had to keep her mouth clamped shut so that her teeth wouldn’t chatter. Peeta noticed and let out a long sigh.

He hopped up and moved his chair out of the way. He retrieved his old bedroll and laid it out in front of the fire. She looked at him quizzically until he climbed in and opened his arms. She didn’t hesitate. She was frightened and she didn’t trust him. But she was cold and she cared for him deeply. Their shared body heat halted her trembling. 

They spent a long time just cuddled together before she finally spoke. He couldn’t see her face and was surprised to hear in her voice that she had been crying. “I’m sorry” she squeaked. “I’m sorry Peeta. I…I can’t help it. I would change it if I could but this is what I am. I know you deserve more. I wish I was more.”

He held her away just far enough that she could see him. He had expected her to be angry, to yell and scream or hit him. It was what he deserved. That would have been a thousand times easier to accept than the heartbreak and self-loathing he heard in her voice. The acceptance that she was somehow less than a complete and pleasing wife and woman. She thought this, believed it and he had sinned against her horribly by reinforcing it. She tried to bury her face in his chest but he lifted her chin. 

“Oh Kat” he said. “You are far more than I will ever deserve. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who needs to apologize. I acted like a cowardly child avoiding you all these days after I left you crying. I wouldn’t blame you if you left, but I am hoping and praying that you don’t. I love you. I was just hurt and scared and I thought…well I thought that you had been with someone else but that you didn’t want to be with me and that was difficult to accept. I also thought that you lied to me about it.”

She tried to speak but he brought a finger to her lips to shush her. 

“Looking back, I know that you didn’t deliberately mislead me. You thought that I knew didn’t you? Before we got married?”

She nodded. 

“I should have but I’m such an idiot and I’ve never really been around girls before. I screwed up. I want to make it up to you though. Please give me that chance. I’ll be patient. I’ll take it at any pace you want to if you will just let me be around you every day.” 

Katniss saw the fear in his eyes. His anticipation of her rejection. She recalled every tender moment he had given her since their wedding day and tried to see things from his perspective. He had greatly anticipated his first time and he thought that it was hers too. She had made him wait long after their wedding night for intimacy and then he found that she had already crossed that boundary with another. He had no idea about the things that had happened to her in the past. She hadn’t told him. He had just assumed that she had wanted another man badly enough to risk a baby out of wedlock to have him but that she hadn’t felt the same depth of feeling for him. She returned her head to his chest and hugged him. 

“I’m not leaving” she told him. “Not if you want me to stay. I said vows with you Peeta and I am a woman of my word. I wouldn’t disgrace us so.”

“Kat” he murmured in her ear as he rubbed her back. “Thank you. You won’t regret it, I promise. Haymitch told me about a woman that he had loved and lost once. I kept imagining what my life would be like if I let you go and the pain and devastation that I saw made what I felt the other night when I thought you betrayed me seem like nothing. I need you and I want you for always.”

She tried to give the money back but he refused. 

“Take it Peeta” she insisted. “You gave this to Haymitch to fetch me and he didn’t need it so it should be returned to you.”

“No” he insisted. “I owed it to him and he chose to give it to you. Keep it. Do whatever you want with it. If I don’t keep my promises you can ride out of here with a clear conscience and start over. From now on I want you to be my wife because you want to, not because you have no other choice.”

She took his tear streaked face in her hands and brought his lips to hers. Their kisses were chaste at first, comforting. Their fight had left them both shaken and they were reeling from the loss of Haymitch too. But they were man and wife and each burned with fire for the other. Soon her tongue begged entry into his mouth and his fingers moved to unbutton her dress. He opened it enough to expose her chest and the column of her neck. His lips found her pulse point and he sucked and licked until she was gasping his name. 

He was aching with desire for her. His bride, his perfect Katniss. But he knew it was too fast. He had hurt her badly just a short time ago. When they came up for air he brought the side of her face to his chest again. She could feel his thundering heart and his breathing was coming at a rate that matched her own. 

“It’s too soon” he told her. “I love you Katniss and I want you to be ready the next time we’re together.”

She closed her eyes and held them shut. They stayed locked in each other’s arms until the excitement of their bodies had calmed. His fingers combed through her hair and massaged her scalp in the most magical way. She hadn’t spoken the truth about the events that haunted her in so long that she thought that it would be locked inside of her forever. But now her husband was here. He was holding her tight and he wanted her even though he thought that she had accepted another man. Her past no longer had to hold her captive. She could feel the chains breaking as he whispered his affections in her ear. 

“I was exhausted” she said softly. His motions slowed. She snuggled as close as she could, not able to make eye contact as she continued. Tears started to swell behind her eye lids. “It’s…I never talk about it.”

Peeta kissed her hair and forehead. “It’s alright” he reassured. “You don’t have to tell me. No matter what happened it’s in the past. Everything you have done since I met you proves that you are an amazing woman. It doesn’t matter that you were with another man before me.”

“Men” she whispered and it ripped his heart a little. 

He took a deep breath to maintain control. He swallowed a large dose of pain along with his pride. 

“That was in the past” he said with confidence. “I’m in love with you Katniss. You are my wife and I’m proud of you. I don’t want anyone else.”

“I was exhausted” she repeated. “We had worked in the fields day and night just trying to get by. Then the Yankees came and took everything. They burned the house. They killed my sister. I was wondering around in a daze, sifting through the ashes, trying to find something that had belonged to her that was still whole.”

“I didn’t even see him coming. One moment I was standing in the rubble and the next he was on top of me. I screamed but there were only a few slaves left and I no longer had anything to support them with. I struggled, tried to get away but he hit me in the head again and again. His breath reeked of liquor. He kissed me, at least the parts of me that he could get to.”

She stopped and shuddered as the details came rushing back to her. “He bit some bruises on my shoulder and grasped my breasts so tight. I was crying and begging him to stop but he just said that I was a spirited little thing. I think…I think my pain and terror just excited him more. He…he put his thing inside of me and it felt like I had been ripped in half. My ears were ringing and I thought I might pass out but unfortunately I didn’t. I felt every vile movement until he was done.” 

She sniffed and Peeta wiped her nose with his shirt. “I received some sympathy at first but everyone knew what had happened. I was a fallen woman.”

“Kat” Peeta said holding her face so that she was forced to look at him. “Kat, it wasn’t your fault. You were just a girl and that damn Yankee raped you. That doesn’t make you bad or dirty. It just makes him a Monster.” 

Tears fell and covered his hands. 

“After that, men thought that I wanted it. That I would do anything for a few coins just because I was poor. I refused them every time but that just made them angry and they spread nasty rumors about me. Women didn’t want me around because I was young and had a reputation. Everyone treated me like a whore and I had never even kissed a boy before.”

Peeta pictured what her life must have been like. It would have been devastating for anyone, but particularly hard for a proud woman like Katniss. 

“I kept to myself and kept working hard” she continued. “An older couple agreed to let me share a cabin with them and I learned a lot about farming. There was this one man though who wouldn’t leave me alone. He was older, married with children that were nearly grown. He tried to sweet talk me when he could get me alone and I was careful to steer clear of him. I was walking back from washing up one night when he grabbed me and dragged me into the barn.”

Her eyes lowered and Peeta read regret and guilt in them. 

“I should have fought him harder” she criticized. “Like I did the first time, but I knew this man and I just froze. I…I didn’t want it to hurt as bad as the first time. I guess it didn’t, at least not my body but afterward it was really hard for me to feel anything for a long time. I told the landlord what happened but stupid me, I didn’t realize the man was his cousin. He told everyone that I was a young hussy causing trouble by corrupting the married men on the plantation. That’s why he beat me. I would have runaway that night but I couldn’t feed myself until harvest when I could collect my share. It was an unbearable few months and he whipped me again when I was accused of stealing.” 

“When I could leave I did but I couldn’t afford to go far and people still knew who I was. I think I would have died if I hadn’t met Cecelia. She took me in, treated me like her daughter. Even when food was lean she always made sure that I got my share. She was older than me and all of the freedmen respected her. They treated me well. Much better than any of my own people did. They understood. Things like that happened to their women all the time before and after emancipation. I miss them.”

She looked up and saw that Peeta was listening to her intently. He looked angry about the things that had happened to her but he did not appear to be disgusted and he was still holding her and stroking her back. He kissed her head and face repeatedly. 

“You still blame yourself” he observed. 

She shook her head. 

“Yes” he repeated. “Yes, you do. You think that you don’t deserve this house and a husband who loves you because of what those men did and how people reacted to it but you’re wrong. If justice was done your abusers would be dead but you deserve everything this life has to offer. You aren’t sullied Kat. Despite everything you are still so pure.”

She snorted in disbelief. “Peeta, I am not. Haven’t you heard a word that I’ve said? I am dirty. They took something that I’ll never get back. Something that should have been yours. I’ll never be a virgin again.”

He used his thumb to caress her face. Her eyes fluttered shut at the gentle touch. 

“I know that you feel that way but I wish you could see yourself the way that I do. All of these wretched things have happened to you and you still have all of this spunk. You’re stubborn and feisty and you put 100% into everything that you do. Men have done nothing but harm you and you still gave me a chance. You trusted Haymitch and you loved and cared for us both. You’re a good daughter and sister and you’ve honored the memory of your family.”

“I can never take back or change the things that they did to your body no matter how much I want to. But your still innocent baby. You’d never known the love of a man until the other night with me and I’m so sorry that I ruined our first time. We can try it again though when we are both ready. We can experiment and see what feels good. We can grow and learn together. Do you know what first times I really want?”

She shook her head. 

“I want to watch your face the first time you climax. I want to hear you call my name when you can’t get enough of what I’m doing to you and have to ask for more. I want to see your face when you wake up the next morning smiling.”

He could tell by is expression that she didn’t really know what he was talking about. Yes, his bride was still so wonderfully pure. 

“I…I am curious” she admitted. “Since I came here my body has been feeling so many new things. I’m still really nervous though. I’m afraid that I won’t do the right things and it won’t be as good as you are hoping it will. I’m also scared that I won’t like it and then you’ll be disappointed and think that it’s because I don’t love you. I know you were worried about who I had been with before. I hated both of them and that they touched me. I love you Peeta and I want to be with you. I’ve liked the things we have done together so far. It’s…it’s just not going to be easy and it’s not going to be perfect.”

He kissed her lips and smoothed back her hair. “Yes it is Kat” he assured her. “If you and I come together to me it will be perfect. The things that they did don’t count because they are nothing like what we have together. I love you and nothing anyone else ever did or will do could ever change that.” 

Katniss felt an enormous weight leave her chest. It had been settled there for so long she had forgotten how light she could be. Peeta didn’t understand, he couldn’t, but he cared. He loved her and he wanted to be with her. He wanted to call her his wife. All this time she feared him learning the truth about what she really was. But after all they had shared and the things he had said she was starting to believe that maybe some of the things she had believed had always been a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was some pretty emotional stuff. I am sure many of you have thoughts and feelings about it. 
> 
> When I tried to read this as a reader and not the writer of the story one thing that concerned me is that parts of it seem to emphasize or elevate the importance of virginity. That really wasn’t my intention nor is it the point. The issue in this context is for Katniss to understand that being sexually abused is not the fault of the victim and that it isn’t the same as consensual and loving sexual interactions.
> 
> Peeta has the truth now and has had a chance to have at least an initial reaction to it. Let me know your feedback on what he had to say to Katniss about it. I would love to hear from you on that or any of the other things brought up in this chapter below:
> 
> Peeta telling Katniss that Haymitch passed away.
> 
> I like the scene with the wash tub. Women and men can be such different creatures and it is one full display in their thoughts and behavior in this interaction. 
> 
> The conversation by the fireplace is pretty heart breaking. Katniss has been through a lot but I think speaking about it with someone who loves her and is going to help her continue on a path to healing. He tries to give her new perspective on it and on herself.
> 
> Katniss is wrong about her past and about herself but I think many people can identify with her insecurities and her feelings about her abuse and the reaction other people have had to it. 
> 
> Next Chapter: Peeta and Katniss wait out the winter together and try to grow closer and heal some of their lingering wounds.


	14. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As snow blankets the surrounding prairie, Katniss and Peeta take comfort in their home and in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to all of you for the warm welcome back. I am doing my best to keep up with this story and when I hear from you it helps to keep me going. 
> 
> There was some heavy stuff in the last chapter so I wanted to make this was a bit lighter.
> 
> Be forewarned that there is adult content but you should know that from the overall rating I assigned to the work. 
> 
> Please enjoy and leave me a comment at the end if you can.

As the snow piled up outside of the window so did the love in Katniss’s heart. The days were long but they were also full of togetherness. Now that Peeta knew the truth she felt less of a need to shy away from his touch. They sat for hours while she sowed clothing for the spring and he read aloud to her. He taught her some new card games and even played the harmonica while she sang. It was the first protracted respite she had been allowed from intense physical labor and she found that the more rest she got the more the sexual yearnings in her body flowed. 

Peeta was kind and considerate and easily her closest friend. The romance and tension between them had been immediately restored. Unfortunately, the trust had not. She knew that he cared for her deeply but she still struggled with doubts about his acceptance and feelings of inadequacy when she recalled how he had initially reacted to her arrival and then more recently to her lack of virginity.

The downtime gave them more time to talk and Peeta was glad when Katniss opened up and started to speak more freely about her family. He enjoyed hearing her stories about her mother and Prim. Her love shone through every memory that she shared. He could relate to many of the adventures she had as a child living on a prospering plantation and their conversation nearly accomplished the impossible of making him nostalgic about his boyhood home. 

But when the conversation turned to her father he found himself increasingly uneasy. She completely adored the man and Peeta felt certain that no one else could ever live up. He tried to shake his feelings of insecurity when she spoke of her hero. It was her father after all, she was supposed to admire him. He was glad that they had been close and he didn’t resent the bond they had shared. What really concerned him was how different he sounded than himself. 

James Everdeen had been tall dark and handsome by his daughter’s description. He had also been a skilled hunter and accomplished marksman. He prided himself on speaking his mind and had been a passionate advocate of succession. 

“Once those first shots were fired there was no stopping him” she said with awe. “He was the kind of man that nobody challenged, just a natural leader. I know if more men would have had his courage and fighting spirit the cause wouldn’t have been a lost one.” 

Peeta nodded in agreement, although he doubted that the strength and tenacity of any men could have changed the tide of the war. He just hoped that she could learn to admire and respect a quiet, jovial farmer. He had always been soft spoken and never overly bold. He did not killed anything unless it was completely necessary and didn’t enjoy fighting other men. 

He continued to wrestle with the issue in his mind but it definitely wasn’t the only battle raging within. He was also doing his utmost to simply enjoy her company and not fantasize about the sight of her breasts and the sensation of her tight walls surrounding him. After what she had told him about her past experiences he had taken their physical intimacy back to near courtship status. They slept together at night but during their waking hours he settled for hand holding by the fire and light kisses before he trudged out to the barn. 

Katniss sometimes accompanied him in the morning when there were lots of chores to do. He noticed her examining Johanna and she looked considerably perplexed as she ran her hand on the cow’s side. “She has put on weight recently” she observed. “We haven’t been feeding her any differently but still she keeps getting wider. I hope nothing is wrong.”

Peeta smiled to himself. “No” he answered. “Nothing’s wrong. At least nothing that won’t return to normal in time. Before you came I decided that I needed another one and I took her to Thom’s and put her in with one of the bulls. I’m pretty sure Johanna is going to have a calf in the spring.” 

His wife’s face could have lit up a moonless night. “Johanna” she cried and ran forward to hug the cranky being. “Johanna, you’re going to be a mother.”

Peeta watched in wonder as his normally practical and collected wife gushed over the pregnancy of a milk cow. She talked excitedly for several minutes as if he weren’t even there. He loved how the news brought out her energy and vitality. He pictured her face a bit fuller and her belly completely rounded. Nothing in the world would make him happier. 

When they finished in the barn they moved outside and began to shovel. It took daily effort to keep the path to the house clear. Katniss didn’t mind. She enjoyed using her cramped muscles and getting to breathe the cold fresh air. It felt wonderful after so many hours holed up in the cabin. She couldn’t image how Peeta had survived it on his own. 

She noticed his eyes drift to the barn every now and then and wondered if he was thinking of Smokey. “Do you think they would trade him back to us?” she asked.

He didn’t have to ask her what she was referring to. “If I had something they really wanted” Peeta answered. 

“You have money” she reminded him. “If you ordered some rifles I am sure they would make an exchange.”

Peeta shook his head. “I don’t think the white folks around here would appreciate me arming them any further. Besides, the braves take excellent care of their horses. He is in good hands.”

When he heard her voice again he was surprised to find her standing beside him. “But not the best ones” she said softly. 

When their eyes met he could see the emotion and tenderness in hers. She was missing Smokey too. Not just because she had become attached to the horse but because she cared for her husband and he was hurting. She was sharing his pain, taking it as her own so that he wouldn’t grieve alone. He bent forward and kissed her. 

When Katniss returned to her shoveling she did so with a lighter heart. At least Peeta knew that she was concerned and also that she was completely supportive of any effort that it took ensure his precious companion’s return. 

Her mind was consumed in thoughts of how it might be accomplished when she felt a cold, wet smack on the back of her neck. She turned in outraged shock to see him smiling. Oh, he did not just do that. She might be madly in love with him but she wasn’t going to take such a deliberate challenge lying down. She let out a huff and turned back to her work pretending to ignore him. 

Five minutes later, Peeta had begun to wonder if he had done something wrong. He was trying to lighten the mood and cheer her up but he could tell that she hadn’t appreciated it in the slightest. He guessed that he needed a lot more work on how to interact with a woman. That would have gotten a laugh out of any of his boyhood friends from back home. 

She was still glaring at him when he returned the shovels to their rightful place in the barn. He was working out an apology in his head as he shut the door in preparation for a return to the cabin. Just when he turned she pounced on him. He lost his balance and landed face first in the snow. It was a hard shock to his system and definitely not a pleasant one until he heard her melodious laughter. His petite little bride had played a trick on him and she had the upper hand in the scuffle for sure. 

He quickly had their positions reversed but he was careful not to put his full weight on her. Her eyelashes fluttered seductively and she pucker her lips. He leaned forward for a kiss and she took advantage of his weakness and shoved a handful of snow down the back of his coat as her arms came around him. He let out a curse and brought his hands to her body in an instant. One thing he had learned about Katniss was that she was very ticklish and she thrashed and shrieked beneath him even through her layers of clothes. 

She begged him to stop through bouts of laughter and when he finally relented the air was floating with the frozen wisps of their panting breath. His heart soared. She was playing with him and having fun. Her eyes were dancing with mirth but as long seconds went by the frivolity was accompanied by a deep yearning. 

They searched each other’s expressions for any hint of doubt, finding none, they moved together and their mouths collided in a needy kiss. Her hands grasped the front of his jacket and his raked through the mixture of snow and hair beneath them. She turned her head to the side repeatedly trying to taste him more deeply, explore the depths of his mouth more completely. 

Katniss would have been content to stay fused together in the snow pile for the rest of the day but Peeta was mindful of the weather and didn’t want her catching cold. He hefted her in this arms and they continued to pepper each other’s faces and necks with kisses as he carried her across the threshold. He stopped a few feet inside and Katniss looked up to survey the room from this vantage point. It wasn’t lost on either of them that he hadn’t done this on their wedding day. He set her down slowly. 

“We need to get you out of those wet clothes” he managed. 

She was back in his arms the moment their coats were removed. Her mouth came to his and refused to let go. Each time they came up for air she swallowed a couple of gulps and attacked him again. He had never been so hard in his life. Not only was he kissing his gorgeous wife but she was playing the aggressor. Her tongue sweeping forward to enter his mouth, her hands pulling off his shirt and trousers. 

He was reluctant to try to breech her last layer of clothing because he didn’t want her pulling away. The last thing he wanted to do was put a damper on the passion she was so clearly putting on display. But when her hand moved forward to cup him through the front of his undershorts he could wait no longer. His fingers slid beneath her chemise to caress her breast and she let out a tremendous shriek. 

He pulled back from her immediately, his eyes pleading for forgiveness. She took a deep breath and then flashed him a smile. “It’s not that Peeta” she panted. “It’s just your hands…they are freezing.” 

She started to laugh at the absurdity of the situation and soon he was chuckling too. While she tried to get her giggles under control he stirred up the fire and added additional fuel and she shed the last of her clothing and climbed into bed. 

He turned to see her propped up on an elbow, her long dark locks falling all around. The blanket was pulled up just far enough to cover her breasts. If she would just let him taste them again he swore he could die a happy man. He was frozen in place, not by temperature but by indecision. Luckily, he found that it was not his call to make as she lifted a finger and motioned him to join her. 

He slid in beside her and she pulled him close. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she pressed her bare breasts against him. Her core was wet and throbbing for relief. The nervousness and fear were still with her, an ever present drum beat of anxiety and self-hatred. But this time her desire and her love for her husband were stronger. She could no longer deny either of them what they needed. 

He could see the internal battle raging in her mind and brought her forehead forward for a kiss. “I want more Katniss” he admitted. “I want so much more than hand holding and gentle kisses. But I know you are afraid and now I know why. It doesn’t have to be all the way or nothing. There are other things we can do together. Things that would feel good.” 

This got her attention. She didn’t know what he was referring to but it sounded exciting and she could feel some of her fluid smear across his thigh. 

“Oh, Peeta…I’m sorry” she stammered untangling their legs. 

He held her against his chest to still her motion. She relaxed for the moment and he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. 

“Sorry for what baby?” he asked. 

“My…I mean, I got some…stuff on you and I know it’s gross. It just keeps happening and I don’t know how to stop it.”

He found her stumbling words and the accompanying coloring of blush to be the most endearing thing in the world. Neither one of them had a clue what they were doing, but at least he had some parting advice and instruction from Haymitch. 

“I don’t want you to stop it Kat” he told her. “It isn’t disgusting at all. I like it.”

“You do?” she asked. He could see the surprise and longing glittering in her silvery eyes. 

“Yes, it just means that your body is excited, that it wants to be with mine. It makes it easier for me to…you know…put it inside of you.”

“Oh” she said and her expression turned reflective and dark. “That’s why it hurt so much. Because my body didn’t want it.”

Peeta rubbed soothing circles on her back. “We can talk about it if you want to” he offered.

She felt the pulsing between her legs, made even stronger by the tone of his voice and the strength of his touch. She shook her head. 

“Ok” he agreed. “You said before that you have been having crazy thoughts about being with me since we got married. I know you are scared about the intercourse part. What kinds of things were you thinking about?” 

Katniss squirmed. It might be easier for her to talk about the past than confess her current yearnings. The silence between them drew out and she thought of all the tough things they had already faced together. She recalled how often he sought her advice and pondered the reality that his beloved Smokey belonged to another at that very moment because of his devotion to her. She took a deep breath. 

“I’ve thought about kissing you and about you touching my breasts again. I really liked it, especially when you used your mouth. I’ve thought about touching you too and about you putting your hands…between my legs. There is something there that really wants your touch. I’ve also imagined what you would look like without your clothes on.”

Peeta was about to explode. Katniss had been fantasizing about him and it had been arousing her. She was naked in his arms and her arousal was leaking onto his skin. 

“I don’t mind you know” he managed. “I am fine with you seeing me naked.”

When her expression showed interest rather than apprehension he sat up and lifted his hips. He pulled his undershorts off and tossed them on the ground and slipped out from under the blanket. 

Katniss had seen naked men before. She had survived the war and then lived and worked among them for years as a share cropper. But she had never seen a young handsome fully aroused one and she had definitely never actually looked at the sexual organ. The one time Peeta and she had been together their bodies had been so close that she hadn’t had the chance to look at it.

It was pink and erect and straining toward her. She had little knowledge to make a comparison but it also appeared to be very large. It frightened and excited her at the same time. Without thinking her hand started to move toward it but luckily she came to her senses and was able to stop it. 

“It’s ok Kat” he whispered. “You can touch me. You’re my wife. My body belongs to you.” 

“I don’t know what to do” she admitted, her gaze dropping to the blanket beside her. She felt like the worst kind of mate, used but with no useful experience. 

He lifted her chin and his boyish smile warmed her and chased the negative thoughts away. 

“That’s alright” he assured. “I don’t know what to do either. Just do whatever you feel like and I’ll tell you if I don’t like it.” 

The way he described it sounded a bit like a game. Katniss thought of their earlier frolic in the snow. Yes, she wanted to play with him. She wanted it very badly. They had spent years building the act of sex up in both of their minds but in very different ways. Now it seemed like this dangerous line to cross. But as she looked at his aroused body and considered his flexible and adventurous attitude it didn’t seem like quite such an intimidating challenge. 

She reached out her hand and gently caressed the head. He let out a hiss and stiffened in a way that made her withdraw, certain that she had done something wrong. Her momentary flash of concern melted away as he took her wrist and returned her fingers to his length. She ran them up and down the shaft. She was amazed by how soft the skin was and how hot it felt even on a winter day. His eyes rolled back and he groaned in pleasure.

“Kat” he grunted. “That feels amazing.”

A sense of power filled her and she gripped him more tightly and mimicked the movements she had seen beneath the blanket the night she had spied on him. She knew that men excreted fluid too and something inside of her tightened as she saw it come forth and bathe her hand. Peeta’s eyes had closed and he was moaning her name. 

When he was recovered enough from his high to know where he was he found her watching him intently. He quickly apologized which made her smile. He grabbed his discarded shorts and cleaned both of them up. 

“You are incredible my love” he told her hugging her close. “I understand if you want to stop but please let me touch you. I really want to make you feel good too. I promise I won’t try anything that might hurt.”

She nodded eagerly. He wasn’t going to put that big thing inside of her so she didn’t have to worry and she was anxious to learn what he had to teach her. She expected him to reach for her privates right away but instead he cupped her chin and started kissing her. Their tongues touched and she was so aroused from watching him climax that she immediately moaned into his mouth. His hands found her breasts. He weighed each one and kneaded them until she was thrusting them into his hand. She was shocked how much it pleased her when he pinched and plucked at the nipple. 

His mouth fell to her neck where it sucked and nibbled. Her hips were arching up and he responded by slipping his hand between her legs. She felt his finger testing her entrance and the world “yes” escape her mouth. 

When he started to push it inside she tensed. Old memories threatened to overtake her. She heard his voice calling to her. 

“Katniss, my beautiful bride. I love you. You’re right here with me and we’re taking care of each other. Your body was meant to be with mine and you’ve never done anything like this before. It’s nothing like the past, nothing like the others.” 

She took a few deep breaths to calm her suddenly present anxiety. He returned his lips to her face and kissed her gently. She could feel his warmth and she let herself drown in his scent. 

“Let me prove it to you” he said softly. 

Her eyes were clenched shut so she had no idea what he was doing when she suddenly felt a zing of pleasure. 

Peeta watched her reaction and then he rubbed her clitoris again. She mewled in sensation and he increased the pressure and started firm, purposeful circles. Katniss was awash in newly found pleasure. He was touching the ache that she had felt since the first time he had kissed her. It felt unreal but yet still not enough. 

“Peeta” she squeaked. “Yes, more, please.”

The pleasure only intensified when she felt his finger at her entrance again. The rubbing was great but she yearned for his presence within her as well. She needed him. Needed his pushing inside of her, filling her and making their bond stronger. 

Her body accepted him easily and her moans and gasps of delight continued as he stimulated her both inside and out. She was coiling around him tightly and he knew that soon she would snap. 

To Katniss it felt like coming to the edge of a glorious waterfall and them tumbling into ribbons of beauty and light. She screamed as her body contracted around him and he kept touching her, drawing out the pleasure and making her shake and tremble with release. When it was over he tucked her mouth in his neck and held her close. 

“That was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen” he said. “Way better than any of the dreams or fantasies I ever had.”

His approval warmed her even more than her afterglow. 

“So that was my first time?” she questioned. 

The vulnerability he heard in her voice nearly broke his heart. 

“Yes” he whispered. “That was your first time.”

“I’m assuming by the way you are pressing against my leg that it won’t be the last” she jested. 

He wasn’t prepared for the joke but was greatly encouraged by it. They had come to intimacy at last and she had enjoyed it. He had brought her to completion and she was feeling good enough to laugh with him. It was a very proud moment that he would cherish forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can almost see these two young people falling in love in their cozy little house in this one. 
> 
> I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on several things in this one including:
> 
> Peeta’s uneasiness with the way Katniss speaks about her father’s memory.   
> Katniss’s reaction to Johanna’s pregnancy.   
> The conversation about Smokey.  
> The snowball fight (this is one of my favorite parts).  
> Awkward sex talk (I find this pretty cute and endearing).   
> Katniss has her first time (sort of) and even feels good enough about it to laugh afterward.


	15. Feeling Powerless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta does his best to navigate Katniss's complicated history and to find his proper place in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was a bit lighter and more fun. This one returns to more serious themes. Be warned that this chapter contains discussion of the aftermath and lasting consequences of sexual assault for victims and those who love them. It could be upsetting to some people. 
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone for reading. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts and comments on this chapter. It is probably the most complex subject matter we have dealt with thus far.

Peeta had hoped that his increased physical intimacy with Katniss would ease some of her fears and nightmares about the past. He was wrong. If anything they had increased in both frequency and intensity. She tossed and turned deep into the night and sometimes woke them both in screaming terror. Peeta was eager to hold her but concerned that her distress seemed to be worsening. 

He was staring at the ceiling pondering the issue when he heard Katniss whimper beside him. He pulled her close and she settled against his chest. Her breathing evened out and after a time he drifted off as well. He dreamt of her, bare and smiling at him in the sunlight. Her hair tumbled around her shoulders as she laughed and pulled him atop her naked body. He settled between her thighs and she whispered his name. She was wet and unbelievably tight as he thrusted into her again and again. 

Peeta jolted awake at the sound of her anguished sob. “Stop!” she screamed. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the last vestiges of the hazy fog of unconsciousness. Her face was contorted in fear, her cheeks strained with tears. He said her name but she didn’t respond. She was still asleep. 

He hated these moments. When she was frightened and there was nothing he could do to protect her. He took a deep breath before reaching for her arms to wake her. That was when she said it. That was when she ripped a whole right through his heart.

“Peeta” she called, pushing him away. “Peeta, stop. I don’t…I don’t…leave me alone.”

He pulled back as if she had slapped him, but he didn’t remove his grip and the jarring woke her. 

A million thoughts raced through his mind as she blinked and wiped her eyes in the darkness. She wasn’t calling for him a moment ago. She was yelling at him. She wasn’t dreaming of the men who had hurt her. She was having a nightmare that he was doing it. He felt her draw closer. He heard her sniffling as she laid her head on his shoulder and threw her leg about his waist. He thought of the poverty and abuse that had brought her here. Of the distant prairie that stretched out in every direction and the dangers that awaited a single woman there. He felt the erection he couldn’t control pressing against her tender flesh even as she cried. Perhaps her subconscious musings were not really that far off the mark. 

As Katniss regained her bearings she could smell the scent of her husband and feel his presence all around her. She breathed deep. She was safe. Peeta would never hurt her.

“It was just a bad dream” she whispered and as her lips lay a few feather light kisses on his neck. He bristled at the pleasure and conflict they stirred. He grew even harder despite his attempts to will his reaction to her away. “I’m sorry” he said into her hair. 

“It’s ok” she answered when her trembling had ceased. “He just needs me.” Her hand found its way beneath the covers and his undershorts and he grunted and gasped as she worked him to completion. His body appreciated her attentions very much but his conscience was swamped with guilt. How could he continue to take pleasure from a woman whom he was so clearly failing? She was afraid of sexual relations and his insistence on having them was damaging her further. He loved her. He would do anything to make her happy. He just had no idea how to fix the situation. 

Katniss wasn’t happy when the first thaw came and he insisted on going to town alone. He promised to take her to church on Sunday but that was two days away. They hadn’t had any company in a couple of months because of the snow and she wanted to visit with someone. Anyone who wasn’t Peeta would do. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy his company but she needed other people in her life too. People like Delly who might be able to give her some advice where her husband was concerned. 

They were moving forward and working hard to make their marriage a success. But she could tell that her nightmares and anxieties were wearing on him. She would also catch him with a sour expression at times when she spoke of her family. Perhaps it were nothing, but that coupled with the fact that he hadn’t made a move to formally make love to her again had her nervous. Maybe he was having second thoughts. Then he told her today that he wanted to make his visit to town without her. Her feelings were hurt. How could they not be? He was sick of being with her. 

She shook her head at her own childish musings. The man had a right to do things without her. He might want to speak with Thom or the preacher. He may want to stop in and see Delly. Her breath caught in her lungs. Sure, she could understand all that but that could all be done with her tagging along. There was only one type of visiting that she would interfere with. She had heard whispering complaints about it in the church yard and even an angry denunciation by one newly arrived mail order bride. There was a brothel across the street from the store in town. 

She leaned against the barn and closed her eyes. No! Not her Peeta. She didn’t want to imagine him in that awful place but that is precisely what image came to mind. She saw him smiling at a woman with long blonde tresses and pale skin. Katniss’s insecurities were hard at work as she pictured her husband’s sculpted chest pressed against the bosom of a female much more well-endowed than she. Her heart thudded at an increased rate as she accepted the possibility that he might be undressing at that very moment and letting some woman of ill repute appreciate his handsome form. 

When she reached the point of acknowledging that he could be sheathing himself within another she let out a frustrated cry and ran back inside the cabin to find something to do. She took the rugs out and beat them hard as she could. It was still far too cold for such a chore but she needed to work out her anger somehow. When she finally expended the excess energy she was winded but a bit less hysterical. 

She glanced around the room for more cleaning but refused to look at their bed. What would she do tonight if he came home with no reasonable explanation for his behavior? She reached into the wooden chest and pulled out her money bag. She still had the option to move on if she needed to. She was thinking through just such a scenario and assessing the need for a few repairs to her saddle when she remembered that Smokey was gone. 

Her husband’s best friend and companion during his first few years here had been traded away. Given up for the remedy needed to make her well again. She let herself sink to the floor. Several tears tracked down her face. She was letting the past get to her again. Peeta wasn’t fornicating with some prostitute. He cared for her deeply. He told her that he loved her. He had been patient with her fears and foibles. His voice was steady when he calmed her and it always spoke of his devotion and faithfulness. Peeta was in town because he wanted to be. He wasn’t obligated to take her everywhere he went. 

Peeta did wish that she was present as Delly peppered him with questions about how things were going and if Katniss was settling in all right. He knew she was well intentioned but it didn’t seem proper to discuss his marriage with another woman. Or was she the right person to ask for advice? She would understand Katniss better being a woman and all. He sighed. He just didn’t know the protocol for situations like this. He had come to fetch the gift he had ordered for Katniss and assumed now that the snows had melted that it would be in. His assumption had been confirmed but Peeta couldn’t load it himself so he was waiting for Thom to help him. Delly had assured that he stopped by nearly every afternoon. 

“I know it’s none of my business” Delly continued. “But when we spoke at the barn raising Katniss had me worried. Have you used some of this snowed in time to start figuring out the marriage so to speak?”

Peeta blinked. Was she asking what she thought she was? “Well, we are still getting to know each other. It is still a pretty new thing and all.”

He wasn’t expecting the hearty laughter that followed. “You are two awkward little peas in a pod” she chuckled. “That’s exactly what she said and I will tell you what I told her. I’m here if you need some guidance or advice when you decide to take the plunge and so is Thom.” The wink she punctuated her offer with confirmed that she was indeed speaking of intimate relations. 

He stood for a moment grappling and infused with indecision. “Look Dells. I appreciate the offer but I have to tell you that I don’t know if Katniss would be comfortable with me speaking with you about it. I mean, about intimacy that is. I thought that was something that you weren’t supposed to discuss with other people.”

Delly rolled her eyes. “Not everything in life comes with a specific set of rules to follow” she commented. “I’m not asking you to kiss and tell Peeta. I’ll ask Katniss to share those kind of nitty gritty details later…not that she actually will. She will just look away and blush and then proceed to speak in euphemisms or be extremely vague instead of just coming out with it and asking what she really wants to know. At least that is how it went the last time I interrogated her.”

His eyes shot up to meet her. “You’ve spoken to Katniss about our…you know…relations?”

Delly actually laughed out loud at his verbal fumbling. “Yes, yes. Not that there was much to talk about.”

He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, trying to decide on his next move. When it was not forthcoming Delly muttered something under her breath and came out from behind the counter to stand more closely to him. She kept her voice low despite the fact that they were alone. 

“Look Peeta” she began, growing serious. “I may be overstepping my bounds. But I think I am your closest friend in this little town and I want to see you happy. Katniss is a great gal and I know you too can make a go of it but when she and I spoke I got the sense that things were not all well with her. She had reservations about consummating her marriage with you and I think it is because some bad things have happened to her in the past. I can’t image you have done anything to make her so skittish.”

Peeta took a deep breath and fell into one of the chairs at the checker board. He took off his hat and concentrated on it as he began to speak. “This has to stay between you and me Dells.” She nodded in response and took the seat opposite of him. “Katniss has been through a lot and I haven’t always done the right thing to help her deal with it either. Some men have taken advantage of her in the past, well more than that, they forced her and now she is struggling with that part of our marriage.”

“Poor Katniss” Delly said, genuinely sympathetic. “I thought that was the case but I didn’t want to outright confront her about it. It happens to woman too often, a lot more than you know. So you are avoiding intimacy now because she doesn’t want to be involved that way?”

He shook his head. “No, not completely. We are together but her nightmares have gotten worse. I want to help her. I want it so badly. I love her and I can’t stand to see her crying. I keep going back and forth about whether or not I should step back and try to have a loving marriage with her without the physical part or if I should push for more and take it all the way in the hopes that she will, I don’t know, get used to it or something.” He bowed his head in shame. “I keep thinking if I would have been a better husband from the start she wouldn’t be suffering so much. I try to help but it doesn’t work and I feel like a failure.”

When he looked up he saw that Delly was deep in thought. “You’re full of it Mellark” she said evenly. 

“What?” he asked confused. That was the last reaction he expected. 

“You’re lying to yourself and to her” Delly asserted. “You aren’t going to go without the physical part or whatever bull is going on in your head. You love Katniss and she loves you. I have seen you both. You are young and healthy and have the rest of your lives ahead of you. You’re going to have sex Peeta and a lot of it. So stop this useless exercise in fake self-martyrdom.”

Her words stung but when he stopped to consider them he knew they were true. 

“Stop throwing a pity party for yourself” she said. “I wasn’t accusing you. I was trying to verbally shake some sense into you. I don’t know Katniss that well yet. But I know her enough. She is strong. She is a survivor. She doesn’t expect you to fix what is going on with her and you can’t. This is a process and she has got to go through it. Those things happened Peeta. They happened and the consequences will never completely go away. But they can get better. They can and they will if she keeps working on it. You can support her and she is going to need that but you can’t be the savior this time. This isn’t a problem that can be remedied by you being a Knight in shining armor.” 

He sat for a few long minutes. It was still too soon to process everything she was saying. He would need to take some time to chew on it. One thing he could always count on Delly for was advice giving and brutal honesty. 

“Have you talked to her about it?” she asked. He nodded and she narrowed her eyes. “Really talked about it? Have you asked her what she wants? Talked to her about what she is feeling and thinking and what she wants the next steps to be? What her thoughts and feelings are about your role in this whole thing?”

He shook his head, studying his hat again. 

“Well” she said with a smile as Thom walked in the door. “I think you know what you need to do when you get home.” 

Katniss did her best to calm her frazzled nerves and spent much of the rest of the afternoon preparing dinner. She was mostly successful in focusing her mind on the positive. She needed to learn to trust Peeta, despite their complicated history. But she had to admit that she felt a huge rush of relief when she heard the sound of the wagon approaching as the sun began to set. 

She hurried out to question him and was surprised to see another rider following along. Even at a distance she could see that it was a man. As they drew closer she became still more puzzled. What was Thom doing here? As they approached he rode a little further ahead and tipped his hat to her. 

“Good evening Mrs. Mellark” he said with a smile. 

She couldn’t help but blush. She wasn’t used to being greeted so formally and it was flattering. She gave him a simple nod and turned, distracted by Peeta who had pulled up the wagon not to the barn but in front of the cabin. He most of have been shopping for provisions and simply needed some time to himself.

But as she peered over the side it wasn’t sugar, flour, or corn meal she saw. It was a small bench and piano. Her hand flew to her mouth and covered it. He had brought her a gift. A wonderful gift. She could sit for hours and let her fingers roam the keys. They would have music again. He wanted her to play, to sing, to share her talent and memories with him and make new ones. 

She was in his arms the moment he stepped to the ground. “Thank you” she repeated into the front of his coat as he held her. It wasn’t until Thom’s horse whinnied that she remembered his presence and stepped back. 

He laughed and gave them both a grin as he helped Peeta unload. They asked him repeatedly to stay but he insisted that he needed to push off. It wasn’t wise to travel at night but Thom was a risk taker and a grown man and neither could convince him to spend the night. 

“Naw” he told Peeta, going out to untie his horse. “I have some plans back in town later tonight and I think you ought to let that little lady in there thank you for the gift. I know you have been thinking about it all the way back. You nearly drove off the road a couple of times.” 

Peeta was beet red as Thom slapped him on the shoulder and road away. He had been deep in thought about Katniss. His mind had been focused on the conversation that Delly had recommended more than the lewd notions that Thom referred to but he couldn’t say those hadn’t crossed his mind either. 

He found his dinner sitting on the table and his beautiful wife at the piano bench. He sat and watched in awe as she played a few simple tunes from memory. Her brow knit in concentration as she found the keys she needed. It was a bit out of tune she informed him but he could tell by her look of contentment that she really didn’t mind. He made a mental note to inquire in town in regards to who may be able to come out and make adjustments to it. 

Once she became comfortable with the instrument again she began to sing. He let her angelic voice drift over him and lift him to a better place. Her look of joy made him hopeful, gave him courage for the conversation to come. When it became clear that she wasn’t going to pause to join him he walked over and hand fed her a few bites as she played. When she pretended as though she might bite his finger he smeared a bit on her cheek and her laughter made it clear that she would not break in order to wipe it off. He loved seeing her this way. She appeared much younger when she was having fun.

When he returned from evening chores the house was silent. He found her already in bed waiting for him in the white nightgown he had given her. She sat against the headboard and watched as he washed and undressed. Her steady gaze made him harden and he had to steel his resolve to speak with her rather than kiss her breathless. 

“Thank you Peeta” she said softly as he slipped into bed beside her. 

“Sure” he said with a lopsided grin. Her face grew serious. 

“No, thank you. It means a great deal to me. More than you will ever know. To have a piece of my old life back. Something from a time before everything went so wrong. I really appreciate it and I’m going to sing to you every day now.”

“Well than it is more than worth it” he told her. “It takes up quite a bit of room though. I will need to add on when the babies come.” His voice dropped off and their eyes met. He had accidently brought up the subject both of them had been dancing around for weeks. 

“I was so relieved when I saw it” she admitted. 

“Relieved?” he questioned. “Were you worried when I was gone so long?”

“Peeta” she said as if he were an unruly child. “You specifically told me that you wanted to go to town alone. I started to think thoughts that I shouldn’t have. I kept picturing you with someone else. I know that there is a brothel in town.” 

“You thought I was sleeping with a prostitute?” he asked dumfounded. 

She nodded and fought to hold back the tears. “I know I was wrong and that it is ridiculous but I kept hearing these voices. Things people have said to me over the years. That I’m a dirty tramp and no better than a hooker. It occurred to me that maybe since your wife is like that you might not find it wrong to be with some others too. Women that wouldn’t bat an eye at doing anything you wanted with no consequences.”

“No consequences” he repeated like it was the craziest thing he had ever heard. “Katniss, I would never visit a brothel. I didn’t in all the time I was a bachelor here and I certainly would never as a married man. I love you. I would absolutely never betray you that way. I don’t just want sex. I want you. Those women have no appeal to me. I’m a good Christian man. Doing things like that would have dire consequences to our marriage and to my soul.”

She nodded and some of the doubts within began to shrink as she listened to his logic and the level of his commitment and resolve. 

“I do have something I need to tell you though” he said. Her heart began to flutter. It didn’t sound like a good thing. 

“I spoke to Delly today. I had to go to her store to pick up the piano. She brought up the conversation you had with her at the barn raising. She said she was concerned about you. I talked to her about our relationship. Just to ask for her advice. I needed to. I don’t know what I’m doing Katniss and she is the only person I could ask for help. I hope you aren’t too angry with me.” 

She laid a hand on his shoulder. “I understand” she said. “It’s ok as long as you don’t make a habit of it and you never tell her anything you haven’t shared with me and you always discuss it with me after.”

He agreed, immensely relieved at her reaction. 

“What did she tell you?” she asked. “About us. What advice did she give you?”

“She said that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. That I need to tell you what I am thinking and feeling and ask you the same. That I need to find out what you are going through and what role you want me to play in it.”

“That sounds like pretty wise counsel” she answered, giving him a gentle kiss. “I’m not going to fall apart if you talk to me Peeta.” 

He took a few deep breaths. “I know that I kept the trip to town from you and now you know why. But you haven’t been completely honest with me either.” She raised her eyebrows. “The other night” he said. “When you were dreaming. I know it was about me. It was about me hurting you but you never said anything.”

Her arms came around him and she rested her head on his shoulder. “Because I didn’t want to hurt you” she whispered. “I know you hate my nightmares and that you are getting frustrated with some of my fears. I just didn’t want to burden you with anything more. When I wake up I’m ok. I’m not actually frightened of you. But when I sleep the images and emotions all blend together. A lot of it doesn’t even make sense.”

“I’m not frustrated with you Katniss” Peeta insisted. “I’m disappointed in me. My insistence in fooling around is what is causing you to have all of these bad dreams. If I was being a better friend and partner you wouldn’t be suffering so much.”

Her expression told him that she believed him to be out of his mind. “No Peeta” she pleaded. “You couldn’t be more wrong. Sure, all of the touching and our closeness is stirring up a lot of things from the past but I have always had those bad things inside of me. For the first year or so they were awful, I had to sleep outside sometimes just so the others could tolerate me. I learned how to turn off my feelings over time. To be numb and work and eat and sleep and repeat the pattern again. Our marriage has awoken all that was dormant inside of me. Everything that used to be Katniss is coming back to life. But it is a complicated thing. I feel all of these amazing and wonderful things again: love, trust, belonging, security. But I have to take the bad with the good. It is difficult to explain but I either have the emotional river flowing or I do not. I can’t turn on the good and keep the bad at bay.”

He considered her words and his mind filled with questions. She slipped her slender fingers into his. 

“I don’t want to go back to being dead inside” she stated with conviction. “Yes, I am having nightmares and sometimes flashbacks during the day too. But for the first time I feel like I am confronting them. Most days I win out and I actually feel pretty happy. Sometimes they get the better of me but when they do I have you here to hold me and that makes it easier. Now I have you to talk about it with as well.” 

“So you don’t want me to stop our relations?” he asked. 

“No” she replied with urgency. “That would really confuse me Peeta. I am already wrestling with the idea of liking it and whether or not that is ok. If you start going back and forth I’m not sure I can keep going. When you pull back from me that feels like rejection. I feel like you don’t want me and it hurts inside of my chest so bad.”

He pulled her closer. “The only reason I haven’t pushed for more was concern for you love. I want more. I want everything with you. Delly said that I have to accept that you are going through something and that I cannot fix it and that it is not my fault.”

Katniss smiled, grateful for their friend. “Delly is right” she agreed. “Peeta, you can’t blame yourself when I have bad days. I am responsible for my own life. And you have your own needs and wants and I need to be a good spouse too. If you try to take everything on yourself it will tear us apart. You have to let me deal with this and just be there for me and when you have doubts and needs and setbacks you need to let me take care of you too.”

He nodded and gave her a quick hug by way of agreement. She squeezed him back but when she moved the blankets off of her lap and turned her body to face him her eyes filled with more than friendly companionship. He had never seen them so sultry, her demeanor so open. 

His gaze shot to her hands as she lifted them to untie her hair. It fell along her shoulder and down her back in waves and she closed her eyes as he reached his fingers forward to sift through it. 

“So beautiful” he whispered and she took it as an invitation to share more of her body with him. She grasped the hem of her nightgown and brought it up and over her head. Flames continued to dance in the fireplace, illuminating the room in a soft glow. Silence hung between them as he watched her, took in the full wonder of her glorious nudity. It wasn’t until she swallowed that he saw her confidence begin to falter. His hands stilled her nervous energy as they came to cup and caress her breasts. 

“You’re perfect Katniss” he told her. “Everything I ever dreamed up in my head never compared to this.”

She felt the blush cover her cheeks and trickle down her spine to pool in her lower belly. She saw the power and strength in the meaty hands that held her continually emerging feminine curves. She wrapped her fingers about his wrists and pressed them more closely to her chest. 

“I want to be with you, to belong together. It will stir everything inside of me but I want it to. I want you there, deep within where you belong. I’ve never wanted anyone to be close but you are already in my heart, I want you to be a part of me.” 

His pulse was racing at what her words implied, his heart nearly bursting with joy. Her hand found the front of his shorts and gripped him firmly. He groaned but moved her to rest on her back. He brought his forehead to rest against hers and gave her a smile. 

“If you keep stroking him this will be over too soon” he admitted. “Seeing you this way already has me most of the way there.” 

His words of praise gave her the courage she needed to allow him to part her legs. His eyes stayed transfixed on her femininity until she started to squirm. 

“Sorry” he muttered. He could have kicked himself for making her feel uncomfortable, but then he remembered what Delly said about communicating with his wife about intimate things. 

“I just…” he continued. “You are really pretty and I like to look at that part of you. I never have before when I could actually see it and it really excites me.”

His candid confession made her gush with warmth. She could feel the ache in her core throb in time with her pulse. The idea that he enjoyed ogling her privates made her feel oddly delicious and naughty. He saw the flicker of hesitation. 

“You’re my wife Katniss” he reminded her. “We are supposed to have sexual feelings for each other. It is fine to enjoy it. It’s a good thing, a very natural reaction to loving someone.”

When he saw her expression calm he brought his fingers between her legs. He rubbed her thighs with the intention of relaxing her but she was wound tight. He thought about how he often felt about even her most innocent touches. He noticed the pink tinge to her cheeks, the slight strain of her expression at his exploration of her flesh. She was horny. His Katniss needed an orgasm and she needed one pretty badly. 

He wet his finger in his mouth and rubbed her clitoris. Gently at first, he had more planned for them and he didn’t want to make her sore, then with increasing speed and pressure. He had learned this part of her anatomy increasing well but when he had explored her before it was always beneath the covers or in the dark of night. She was unbelievable stretched out and panting and sweaty before him. He was harder than he could ever recall as he tested her and found her slick and ready. He added first one finger and then two. 

Katniss was losing her mind. The circles Peeta was drawing on her were shooting pleasure through her body at an alarming rate. Still, she needed more. So much more. When she felt his finger enter her she used her muscles to grip it tight. When he added the second she thought she might feel the old pain or at least some discomfort. Instead, she had an amazing sense of fullness. She looked down and saw him working her body with intense concentration. He was watching himself do it and his erection was straining hard. He liked this, but she knew he wanted more and so did she. 

She tried to pull him on top of her but he pulled away. She was momentarily confused before she realized that he was trying to remove his shorts. When he had them off he laid down beside her. 

“Come here Kat” he instructed, lifting her to sit astride him. Her eyes found his. 

“When you’re ready” he said. “Take it at your pace, just try it like this. See what feels comfortable.” 

She probably would have backed out if he didn’t look so incredible. His chest was thick and lightly sprinkled with blonde hair that tapered down to a defined v-line and a narrow waist. His arms were corded with muscle and his smile was beyond handsome. His…penis (she had said the word at least in her mind) was sticking straight up, leaning toward her. The head was pink and engorged and she had an overwhelming desire to have it fill her. 

She moved on instinct and brought it between her folds. She knew it would fit because he had been inside of her before but that had all happened so fast. She eased down so that just the head slipped inside of her and wriggled a bit to see how it would feel. She nearly squealed in delight. It was incredibly arousing and his answering grunts and moans spurred her on. She moved down a little further and then a little more allowing the sensation of completeness to grow. When she finally reached the base she let the rest of her weight carry him even deeper. She rocked back and forth and moved to stroke him up and down. It was NOTHING like what had happened to her before. This felt so good, so…right. 

Peeta was doing his absolute best to let her enjoy it and not shoot his load. She was riding him completely naked and she was gasping and moaning and loving it. She encased him like a warm wet glove and he had to close his eyes to keep himself in check. If he continued to watch those gorgeous breasts bounce he was going to lose it. When she found a good rhythm he moved his fingers to her clit and gave her some stimulation to help her along. 

Katniss could feel the tightening reaching a breaking point. She was so close. When Peeta started touching her again she let her head fall back and a powerful wave of bliss consumed her. When Peeta saw her hands reach for her own breasts he let out a grunt and filled her with everything he had. He could feel her walls fluttering around him and he watched the pleasure dance across her face. Heard it in the way she called his name. 

When they were both sane enough again to realize that the room was chilling, Peeta heated a small pitcher of water so that she could wash. Neither could keep the smiles off of their faces. They stayed awake much later than usual making plans for the piano and guessing how long it would take Delly to grill them about their relationship again. 

“I hope you don’t have any nightmares tonight” Peeta said on a yawn well past midnight. 

“Me too” Katniss agreed. “But even if I do I’ll be alright. Your arms will be here to comfort me. Other parts of you too if need be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's dilemma is real. It is difficult to watch the ones we love suffer and know that we are powerless to fix it for them. 
> 
> Katniss is very strong in this chapter. Despite her struggles she faces her fears and finds something wonderful with her husband. 
> 
> I wanted to include this chapter because stories so often build up to a first encounter or so after a sexual trauma and then after the person is able to get into a healthy relationship again it is a happily ever after. Real life is more complicated than that. Sexual assault and abuse has consequences that follow the victim for a lifetime. 
> 
> Katniss shows us that growth is possible and that happiness and healthiness can be achieved, but also that it is an ongoing battle fought by more than just the victim. It involves loved ones as well. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts on these themes and anything in this chapter. 
> 
> Such as:
> 
> Peeta's inner conflict over having a sexual relationship with a woman who is still processing a sexual trauma. 
> 
> Katniss's realization that she is "letting the past get to her again" when she doubts Peeta is being faithful to her during his trip into town. 
> 
> Delly's advice to Peeta. 
> 
> The piano (awwww, sweet boy).
> 
> My favorite lines: It is difficult to explain but I either have the emotional river flowing or I do not. I can’t turn on the good and keep the bad at bay.- I relate to this.


	16. Gale Hawthorne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A group of unexpected visitors disturb the peaceful existence Katniss and Peeta have built together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone. This update has been a little while coming but real life has been super busy for me. 
> 
> We are going to switch gears a bit in this chapter and focus more on Peeta’s past. 
> 
> Be aware that this chapter contains period typical ideas and attitudes regarding race and ethnicity. 
> 
> Please take time to leave me feedback if you can. It keeps me motivated to keep on writing.

Once they started making love, Peeta and Katniss found that they both craved the physical and emotional intimacy that it delivered. He found her hand reaching beneath his shorts in the dark of the night. She gloried in his grunts of satisfaction as he lay atop her on their bed in broad daylight. Once, they didn’t even make it into the cabin and instead climbed into the hayloft for a quick roll before dinner. As time went on, they lost more and more of their inhibitions and christened every surface the little house had to offer. 

Katniss continued to struggle with a riot of emotions over her relationship with Peeta, but most of the time the things they did together felt wonderful. He was always kind and loving and never pushed her further than she was willing to go. She could tell that he was happy. She was very pleasing to him and that made her feel proud. He was a good husband and she wanted to be the perfect mate for him.

When she experienced the dark times, when old thoughts and feelings began to creep back in, she took time to play her piano. It was very empowering. To take sadness, fear, and despair and turn it into a beautiful melody made her feel like a miracle worker. When she sat at her bench and let her fingers float over the keys she knew that she was in charge of her own destiny. She had things to give the world that it needed. 

When the snow finally disappeared for good it was with mixed emotions that Peeta returned to the fields. He was eager to start working the land again but sorry that his reclusive time with Katniss had come to an end. They had grown much closer over the past few months. It wasn’t just the sex, although they enjoyed plenty of that. It was also the hours of conversation and sometimes of companionable silence. She had begun to smile at him in a new way. There was something special in her expression that was exclusively his. Like they were keeping a precious secret that was too delicious for anyone else to share. 

No matter his feelings on the matter, spring came and once it broke there was a nearly overwhelming amount of work to be done on the farm. That was one of the reasons that Peeta had a bad feeling when he saw a scout ride up to the cabin one afternoon. 

“You’ve got men coming this way” he advised them. “Not many, just a small detachment looking into some problems with the local Indians, but they’ll need fed and housed too.”

“They can take up in the barn for the night” Peeta agreed, completely annoyed. Katniss shot him a look of surprise at his rude behavior. He just set his jaw. She didn’t know what a hassle these military types were when they came onto a man’s land. Their horses ate and trampled everything in sight and so did they. He would do his best to be rid of them in short order. 

“I doubt they will have need for much longer” Peeta added. “We don’t have much trouble with our Indian neighbors in these parts.”

When the man had acknowledged this and road away Katniss followed Peeta into the house. 

“What was that all about?” she asked. 

“Nothing” he said in a clipped tone. “The Army is a pain to small farmers Katniss. This time of year we have no time to spend hosting them and they will likely stir up trouble with the Indians. We have had a peaceful relationship with them since I moved here and I would like to keep it that way.”

She was about to protest but thought better of it. Peeta rarely had such strong opinions about things and he never spoke poorly of others. Since he seemed so resolved in his perception she decided to let him have his way with this one. They were in a remote area and they would likely be gone shortly after their arrival anyway. She could understand his reservations. She was in no hurry to be occupied by the former union army either. 

Johanna’s time would be coming soon and they were just finishing a quick check up on her when they heard the horses approaching. Katniss wasn’t sure if she was excited or not. The farm was remote and she was accustom to far more interaction with people than she had been afforded since arriving. But these were strangers and most likely all men. She was a married woman now and Peeta was standing beside her, but she still couldn’t shake a distinctive sense of foreboding at being forced to interact with a crowd of males again. 

Peeta’s face fell into a frown. Interference by a bunch of outsiders was the last thing they needed. They had just settled into a nice comfortable routine. Despite their progress, he couldn’t help but believe that the relationship was still fragile, their peace more than a bit vulnerable. He sighed and shielded his eyes. They would give these men a place to stay for the night. It was their duty after all. But come sunrise they would need to go. Then he could relax and so could his wife. It would be alright, once they took off things would fall into place again. 

He had almost convinced himself of that until the face of the second rider came into view. It couldn’t be. Not here. Not in Kansas. The old fear flooded his whole body as the man dismounted only to be replaced by total shock as Katniss ran to meet him. She stopped shortly before Peeta’s old nemesis and brought her hand up nearly to his face. “Gale?” she questioned as if she was afraid that he would disappear. 

He tipped his hat up and nodded. “Gale!” she cried and threw herself into his arms. His face showed surprise and then comprehension and he drew her back for a moment to confirm his suspicions. “Kat” he said in wonder. “Kitty Kat, I can’t believe it’s you.” He hugged her close and gave her back a firm rub that made Peeta want to break his hand. 

It was a nightmare scenario. Gale Hawthorne was here. One of the people he had definitely hoped and planned never to see again. Now he was at his home, holding the person who he loved more than anything in the world. He despised him for calling her by such a familiar name. They obviously knew each other but since Katniss had never mentioned him he doubted they were ever sweethearts. He had no right to assert that kind of relationship after all Peeta had done to earn it. 

He gritted his teeth and braced himself. He was going to be in trouble with Katniss very shortly. Big trouble. There was no way that Hawthorne would spare him. When their little love fest had ended Katniss stepped back and seemed to notice that he was still there.

“Peeta” she said smiling. “Peeta, this is Gale. We grew up together. His family owned a plantation near ours and our fathers were childhood friends.”

She turned back to Gale. “How are you?” she gushed. “And how are your folks? And Vick and Rory and little Posy?” 

Gale chuckled. “They are all fine. It’s hard to believe but all of us boys survived the war and little Posy is not so little anymore.” She nodded and her grin covered her whole face. 

“I’m sorry” she said after a few moments. “Gale, this is my husband Peeta and this is our farm.” 

Hawthorne’s eyes turned to him and narrowed. Peeta was well aware that Gale had already recognized him. “Well if it isn’t my old buddy Peeta” he mocked. “I figured that you were hiding out somewhere but I didn’t think you were hearty enough to make it this far west.”

Katniss let her hands fall to her sides. Her brow furrowed in concern. Gale had always been rowdy when they were young but she couldn’t imagine why he was being so disrespectful to Peeta, especially if he knew him. She turned to her husband. He was standing at attention with his fists clenched facing her old childhood playmate. She noticed that Gale’s posture was equally aggressive. 

“You married this guy Katniss?” he questioned gesturing his head at Peeta. She was so shocked that she just dumbly nodded her head. 

“We go way back Peeta and I” he informed her. “We used to call him Prissy Peeta. We were cadets together at the academy. I can’t believe a beautiful and capable woman like you settled on him. How did you two get mixed up together to begin with?” 

Katniss didn’t know what Gale was up to but she didn’t like it. She looked to Peeta to gage his reaction but he didn’t seem a bit surprised by the behavior. Perhaps her acquaintance with Gale was farther back than it seemed in her memory. She turned to address their newly arrived guest with her hands on her hips. “Peeta had a friend visiting back east who brought me out. We married last fall. He has been amazing and very good to me.”

“A mail order” Gale said shaking his head. “Kat, you should have sent word to me. I didn’t realize things had gotten that bad, I would have sent for you. You didn’t have to marry a coward just to save face.”

Her face betrayed her confusion at his accusation. 

“Oh” Gale said in mock surprise. “He didn’t tell you did he?” 

He was a few inches taller than Peeta and came over to put his hand on his head. He tousled his hair as if he were a boy. “Our little Peeta hasn’t been completely honest with you. Why don’t you tell her Mellark? Tell her why you are out here instead of back home with your rich parents. Actually, why don’t you tell her how you got that bum leg as well?”

Katniss’s gaze shot to Peeta. He bowed his head in shame and her heart began to race. There were things he hadn’t told her about his past. Major things it seemed. She preferred to confront him about this in private but Gale seemed determined to force the issue. 

With a continually growing group of soldiers gathering around and his wife standing by Hawthorne began to dig up the past and throw it in Peeta’s face. 

“Mellark was always one of the worst cadets at the academy. He never liked to fight and he is a horrible shot too. We used to fun around with him a bit but when the war broke out we expected him to join our band of brothers when he left to go fight for the cause. He didn’t go though. He ran on home instead, said he had to help his Papa with the family business. I don’t know how he managed to get himself out of it but a year later his luck ran out. His name came up in one of the first draft calls.”

Peeta kept his eyes on the ground. He couldn’t look at Katniss. Not when Gale was drudging up some of the worst moments of his life to humiliate him in front of her. 

“When the day came for him to report he never showed up. The coward was too frightened to fight for the Confederacy like the rest of us. I heard his own mother was so ashamed that she ran him over with her carriage. That’s how he got that limp. Not from a Yankee bullet defending our homes and our families, but out of disgrace from his own kin. He ran off after that. I wasn’t ever sure quite what happened to him until now.”

Katniss looked to Peeta to deny it. To say that he hadn’t abandoned their homeland in its hour of need. To give an explanation for his absence. To push back at Gale and defend his honor. Instead, he kicked at the dirt and said nothing. 

She excused herself and stumbled back into the cabin. Her heart and mind were racing and she couldn’t catch her breath. Peeta was a traitor, a deserter just like…no, she wasn’t going to think like that. She wasn’t going to go there. He had never spoken about the war so she knew he hadn’t served but she had just assumed that his limp had prohibited him from fighting or that he had already gone west when the war broke out. She had never imagined that it was to flee from the draft. 

She tried to calm down. To reconcile the awful things she had just learned with the man she had come to know and love. Her parents would be appalled. They were deeply committed to the southern cause. Her father would never have permitted marriage to a man who refused to take up arms against their oppressors. 

She sat at the table and stared blankly at the wall. He had lied. He had lied to her. Not just about his reasons for coming out here but about his leg as well. He had told her that he was run over by a carriage but he had made it seem like an accident. No wonder his fiancé had declined to come west with him. She would have been shamed by all of her friends and relatives. She should never have trusted him. The whole thing made her sick to her stomach. 

The door opened a while later and she heard him take a few steps inside. He closed it behind him and came to stand behind her. 

“Katniss…” he said. “Katniss…I’m sorry. I wish everything that Hawthorne said was a lie but it’s mostly true. I did leave the cadets when the war broke out and I did fail to report to duty when I was drafted. I had my reasons but I am sure my decisions are difficult for you to accept.”

Silence hung in the air. He waited for a response. When none was forthcoming he stumbled on. “When my mother found out she was furious. I was in town buying passage west. She confronted me at the station. We fought and she told me that I would report to my station or be disinherited. When I told her that I didn’t want anything that came from her she chased me. The horses were faster than I could run and she ran me over with the carriage…twice. My leg was permanently damaged. When I was well enough to move again I headed west and I haven’t been back since.”

Katniss looked down and saw that her hand was at her heart. She was shocked and dismayed by Peeta’s actions but completely disgusted by his mothers’. No matter what he had done it was an inhumane thing for someone to do to another, particularly a mother to her son. 

He stepped up and placed his hands on her shoulders and she jerked away. She turned and saw the hurt of her rejection on his face. 

“What are you thinking?” he asked. 

“I don’t know” she admitted. “Peeta, you lied. You lied to me about your past, why you came out here, what the status is with your family. I need some time to think about it. I’m sorry, but that is the best I can do for now.” 

Her voice was starting to crack with emotion as she pushed her way past him and went out to the barn to tend to Johanna. She needed something to do. The men were cooking over a fire in the yard and starting to bed down for the night. She made her way over to the edge of the field and looked out at the sunset. She removed her apron and pulled and twisted the strings in her hand. She found the cool evening air to be refreshing and she stared at gorgeous horizon. She was joined by Gale a few minutes later. 

“You don’t have to stay here Kat” Gale said softly. “I’ll be traveling out west for some time. You could come with me. We’d have time, plenty of time for you to get a divorce before we headed back east. When we got there, I could make an honest woman out of you.”

He brought his hand to her shoulder. “You grew up to be quite a beautiful woman you know” he told her. “You deserve a real southern gentleman.” 

It was the life she always thought he would have. The life she was raised to desire. She looked around the farm. The war had changed so much. She didn’t think she could keep a fancy house and have a husband that visited her on occasion. The thought of being kept around for the purpose of being amusing and charming and then to be the vessel for his child didn’t sound like the future she wanted. Peeta needed her here. They would work the land together. Everything they built would be theirs. 

She turned her attention to Gale. She didn’t like the way he was looking at her or what his words insinuated. Still, Peeta had been dishonest with her and if she decided that she should leave she needed to at least consider his offer. 

Peeta paced the small house trying to decide what to do. Any explanation he offered Katniss would seem like a critique if not an outright attack on her family. He was tempted to just stay inside and wait for her but as the minutes past and he thought about the things Hawthorne had said his blood began to boil. He wasn’t just going to stay in here and hide from the guy who bullied him in his youth. 

He sat in the group of soldiers around the fire and accepted the plate that was handed to him with thanks. It was his own food after all. The men were polite and courteous with him and showed none of the animosity Hawthorne had displayed. Of course not, Peeta reasoned, they were all Yankees. 

Peeta watched as Katniss spoke with the other man and he nearly interrupted them when he saw his hand fall to her shoulder. He had no business touching her. Even if Katniss hated him for the rest of his life Hawthorne wasn’t the man to take his place. He wouldn’t have a soft enough hand with her. 

When Katniss joined the others around the fire she was surprised to see her husband among them. When she noted his presence she dutifully took the seat at his side. He may have wronged her but she wasn’t going to purposely embarrass him in front of these strangers. 

“So Mr. Hawthorne” Peeta spoke up. “For someone so enthusiastic about southern independence I noticed that you are riding around with the Federal Army these days.” 

Gale was glaring daggers at him. “You’ve got some nerve Mellark” he spat. “I did my duty and served Georgia well. Maybe if some of the cowards like you could have been real men we wouldn’t have lost the war. But we did and that means living with certain new realities. I work for the railroad now and I am representing their interests on this little expedition.” 

The other men shifted, clearly uncomfortable with Gale’s words and attitude but unwilling to address them. Katniss and Peeta could understand. He has an intimidating presence representing an employer with seemingly limitless power and reach. 

Peeta could barely suppress his anger. “Checking up on the Indians my ass” he said, disregarding the fact that there was a lady present. “You aren’t here to look into any trouble, you’re here to see how difficult it’s going to be to move them off so that you can take their land to lay down more track.” 

“Wow” one of the men sitting by the fire whistled. “You must love darkies of every tone” he added with a chuckle. 

Katniss supposed that he was referencing Peeta’s refusal to fight for the cause and his subsequent support for the Indian’s rights to their land. She didn’t notice his snide glance in her direction but Peeta did and he had the man by the collar in a flash. The young blonde beside the heckler raised his eyebrows in surprise and backed away.

“I don’t appreciate people disrespecting me or mine, especially on our own property” he growled. Gale and the man that Peeta had surmised the military leader of the group came over the break it up. 

“The boy meant no disrespect” the man assured him. “We are grateful for your hospitality and we will be riding out at daybreak.” Peeta nodded and trudged back into the cabin to ready himself for the night. 

When Katniss didn’t immediately follow he came back out to find her. He didn’t trust any of these men, least of all Hawthorne. He found her still sitting in her spot by the fire speaking with the one person that he wished she wouldn’t. Some of the men had turned in but a few others sat chatting in a group of their own. He took the long way around the barn and snuck around the other side so that he could listen in to what his wife and her long lost best friend were saying. 

“You don’t have to stay here with this coward” Hawthorne insisted. 

“He’s my husband” Katniss argued. 

“He’s a liar” he reminded her. “I knew your family Kat. They would not want you here. I’m not sure what is going to happen over the next few days but I can stop back for you. Take you to Georgia when I return and settle. I’m a respectable man and I earn a good living. You would be comfortable and back home with people who are more like minded.” 

“I can’t just leave Gale” he heard his wife say. “This is my farm too and I made promises to my husband, vows before God.”

“I know, I know” Hawthorne conceded. “But it’s difficult for me to leave you here with a guy like that. Your father would kill me.”

Katniss didn’t argue that point, but instead focused her gaze into the flames. 

“Just promise me that you will think about it” Hawthorne prompted. 

“Alright” she relented with a sigh and Peeta felt like someone had punched him in the gut. “I’ll think about it.”

Hawthorne moved forward to kiss her but she turned her face away at the last second. It gave Peeta reason to hope. 

Katniss was a tornado of swirling emotions as she entered the cabin a short time later. Peeta brought water to the basin for her to wash with just like he did every evening. The tension between them was thick and neither one knew what to say. 

Peeta’s heart broke a little more when she turned away from him to change. He was concerned for a while that she wouldn’t even join him in the cabin but he should have known better. Katniss was a good person and she would not go out of her way to shame him. 

 

They slept in the same bed that night with about a million miles between them. Laid in the bed was probably more accurate. Peeta couldn’t let his eyes close, irrationally afraid that she wouldn’t be there when he woke up. Katniss’s head was spinning from the days’ events. The flood of feelings from seeing someone from home again. The revelation that not only was Peeta a traitor to the confederacy, but he was also a liar. She could smell him on the sheets and she wanted him to hold her, but did she even know this man? She wasn’t sure anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we have a have a more complete picture of why Peeta left home and how he came to be in a remote part of Kansas all alone. He is in deep trouble for not sharing these things with Katniss sooner. That being said, she didn’t exactly share her whole life story right away either. 
> 
> I think it is easy to rush to judgement on this one. It is worthwhile to take time to consider the way their life together unfolded. This would have been a complicated and divisive thing for him to bring up to her at any point in the relationship. Katniss is a southerner and her parents were strong supporters of the southern cause. He knew it would be difficult for her to accept. 
> 
> We also need to remember how she has shared her memories of her father as a hero for his service in the war. This is a key reason why Peeta was so sensitive to it. 
> 
> Depending on your background, Katniss’s defense of the Confederacy may or may not be understandable to you. She was a kid when the war broke out and unfolded. One thing she is starting to discover and that we will continue to explore is that most of her thoughts and feelings about it were more of a regurgitation of the beliefs of her parents and other adults in the community during her upbringing than solidly her own rationalized and developed worldview. In any event, we are all predisposed to view the predominant attitudes, political ideas, and social practices of our society as worthwhile and justifiable. Katniss is a woman of her time. But she has also had experiences beyond her rearing by her parents that have come into conflict with what she was taught. Growing up is never easy and Katniss is still in the process of it. 
> 
> I would love your thoughts on any of that along with some of the major themes of the chapter and some of the questions it raises. Such as:
> 
> Why did Peeta refuse to serve in the Confederate Army?
> 
> Why does Gale hate him so much?
> 
> Will all of this be enough for Katniss to leave?


	17. Thinking Things Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has a lot to consider as she ponders the fact that Peeta declined to fight in the Confederate Army. It pains her that he kept it from her but it is something that she can accept and that they can move on from?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a pretty overwhelming response to the last chapter and I love it. Thanks to everyone who took the time to write to me and to each other. It was a good conversation and I hope that this chapter will continue to stimulate more discussion. 
> 
> I was hoping to get it finished and posted earlier but I was traveling for a long weekend with my kids and husband in Tennessee. I hope everyone who celebrates it had a good Valentine’s Day. 
> 
> This chapter may not give you all of the answers that you are looking for but we do get a chance to hear from Peeta on why he chose to dodge the draft. 
> 
> Warning that this chapter and this work contain remarks and attitudes regarding race that were typical to the period.

The following days filled Peeta with dread. Katniss became quiet and withdrawn. She went about her chores on her own and barely spoke to him at meal time. She didn’t even touch her piano. She did not appear to be angry with him, but that only served to confuse him more. It was as if she had retreated into her own mind. He was now just a passing visitor in her surroundings, neither loved nor despised, often barely acknowledged. He wished the day would never come when Gale would return, but he knew that it would. 

Katniss spent hours carefully examining her time with Peeta and also their interactions with Gale. She glanced at her hand and saw her wedding band glinting in the sun. She had made promises to her husband and he to her. Neither of them had been 100% transparent in their dealings with one another since meeting that first day on the prairie and to some extent that made sense. They hadn’t chosen each other, hadn’t properly courted. She married him because she needed to. He married her because she was the person whom Haymitch had brought. She hadn’t come out with her whole life story immediately and it seemed unfair for her to hold him to a higher standard. 

Still…he hadn’t been loyal to the cause. He hadn’t served to defend his people. He had fled from everything she was raised to believe a man should stand up and fight for. Gale was right that her parents wouldn’t approve, but did that even matter? They were dead and buried and she could only imagine her mother’s mortification if she were to get a divorce. She brought a hand to her head. It ached and she was tired of thinking. She wanted to honor her family’s memory but would shaming Peeta and leaving a man that she cared for really accomplish that?

She was filled with guilt as she laid beside him that night. He seemed so sad and heartbroken. She knew she was hurting him but what did he expect? He had lied to her. She had reason to distance herself. He hadn’t trusted her either. Even after all the time they spent together over the winter and all the love they had made he hadn’t even hinted at the things Gale had revealed. Embarrassment and self-doubt plagued her as she thought of all of the times she had revealed her body to him, of the things she had panted in the heat of the moment as he filled her. She turned over and curved her body in on itself, preparing for another sleepless night. 

She was grouchy the next day. Grumpy, resentful and just looking for a fight. She served Peeta unsweetened oatmeal that was barely lukewarm. He ate it as if he didn’t notice. She left him the hardest chores to do. He did them without complaining. She wanted to walk over and punch him in the face. There were many things that she absolutely adored about her husband, but his lack of skills when it came to confrontation was not one of them. Not that she had any grounds to criticize when it came to that she recognized. 

She went to saddle the horse for plowing and they both grabbed it at the same time. 

“I’ll do it” she grumbled, pulling it away from him. 

“He’s my horse Katniss” Peeta said quietly. “I can saddle him.”

“I can too” she insisted. “I can handle it Peeta. I’ve done it quite a number of times.”

He sighed. “I didn’t say you couldn’t handle it. I just said that I would do it.”

“Fine” she fumed. Repressed anger was building up and she found that it gave her much more strength than she ordinarily had. She took the saddle and practically threw it in his face. “Do it then” she screamed. 

She stomped out of the barn and took several paces out toward the field. Her hurt and frustration were getting the better of her and tears born of every negative emotion she possessed began to stream down her face. 

“Katniss” she heard him call from behind her. “Katniss what is this?” he asked gesturing towards her.

“Oh come on Peeta” she said in agitation. “You know exactly what this is. You lied to me. After everything I told you about myself and all the things we’ve done together you didn’t tell me. All that fancy talk about building something new to share with me. You didn’t come out here to build anything. You’re hiding. Hiding from your friends and neighbors who all know that you’re a coward.”

He physically recoiled at her words, sparking a battle within her heart and mind. Her mind was glad to have repaid his hurt in kind. Her heart knew that she had done so much more damage than he had by keeping the truth from her. She knew that she should stop but her temper continued to get the better of her. 

“I thought you were different but you’re not” she accused. “You aren’t good or noble, you’re a liar and you hurt me just like the rest of them.”

Peeta’s jaw tensed. “That’s not fair Katniss” he pushed back. “I wasn’t honest with you and I’m sorry. I should have given you the truth at the start. But don’t you dare put me on that level. I’m nothing like that Yankee bastard who raped you.”

Her fists clenched and her heart beat with pain. She brought a sleeve to her face but it only served to smear her ever widening river of tears. 

“No Peeta” she said. Her tone was deep and serious and reflected more control than she actually had. “Everyone has always assumed that and I’ve always let them but let me tell you something. It wasn’t a Yankee who did that to me. It was one of my own people too miserable and cowardly to fight with the real men at the front.”

His eyes filled with realization and they trained on her anguished face. 

“Yes” she managed to get out. “He was a deserter just like you.” 

The agony of reliving that day coupled with the avalanche of emotions that accompanied finally rightfully identifying her abuser aloud was too much for her and she knew she had to get away. Peeta stood in shock as she rushed by him and in a flash she had her mare ready and was riding as fast as she could away from the farm. She heard him calling to her in the distance but she didn’t look back. She needed time. She needed space where she could process this whole thing without him looking over her shoulder. 

At first she headed to the cabin where Haymitch had lived, but it was still unoccupied and she found that the sight of it standing empty distressed her too much to go inside. How she wished he was still sitting at the old kitchen table. She needed him now, she needed someone else to talk to. Someone who really knew Peeta. 

She didn’t consciously make the decision to go to town but it was the only other place she knew how to get to. She anticipated the conversation with Delly being difficult but she didn’t expect to find the other woman crying. 

“What’s wrong?” Katniss asked as she entered the store, closing the door behind her. Delly looked up and wiped her cheeks. 

“It’s nothing” she said dismissively, but as she walked over she turned the sign on the door to closed. 

“Come” Delly urged, ushering Katniss into her home behind the shop. She sat her down and fixed some tea as Katniss related the whole story of Gale’s visit and the things he had brought up about Peeta’s past. 

“That’s awful” Delly said as she took the seat across the table. “Imagine his own mother hurting him that way and in front of everyone he knew. No wonder he came west. Who would stay with a family who tolerated people being treated that way?” 

Katniss couldn’t blame Peeta for leaving his home, but she still wouldn’t accept his refusal to serve. 

“I just don’t understand why Peeta did that” she confessed. “He was needed in the army. If he would have gone, men like my father might not have been killed.” 

Delly reached out and stilled Katniss’s trembling hands. She didn’t even realize that she was clasping them together so tightly. 

“Oh, Katniss” Delly sighed. “That is just grief talking. Grief that is all twisted up inside of you. Peeta was young when the war broke out. He might have just been scared to go. It must have been terrifying to see men being shot, bleeding out, dying. Maybe he didn’t want to watch his childhood friends be blown to bits. Maybe he was frightened of dying himself. Maybe he didn’t want to kill people. He may have had friends or even family fighting in the union army and felt conflicted about it.”

Katniss gave it some thought. Peeta had been young just like her. He had been abused by his mother. Gale had said that he was never good at being a soldier. She pushed her father’s ideas about the war aside. She could understand not wanting to kill other people. Peeta didn’t like to hurt things. He didn’t even like to hunt. 

“I don’t even need to ask if you two have talked about it” Delly sighed with a hint of annoyance. “I swear I am going to lock you both in that cabin and force you to have meaningful conversations for a week.”

Katniss’s expression said it all. Delly rolled her eyes. “Give him a chance to tell his side of the story” she urged. “Find out why he didn’t go and try to keep an open mind. I know I’m a Yankee, but if I recall the war didn’t go so well. Maybe if there would have been more men like Peeta all of the bloodshed may have been avoided.” 

It was a good thing Delly was her friend or she wouldn’t have let her get away with that one.

“Look Katniss” Delly continued. “Peeta might have avoided the draft but he came out here on his own and worked on the railroad and that is really dangerous. He comes from money but instead of living off his allowance he built that farm from nothing. You weren’t exactly perfect when you came here but he has tried really hard to care for you and he has loved you. He still does love you and wants a family you.” 

Her voice began to crack and Katniss could tell she was getting emotional. 

“Thom…” she began. “Thom is heading on. He wants to go to California.” 

Katniss’s head shot up. No wonder Delly was so upset. “You could go with him” Katniss suggested hopefully. 

Delly shook her head. “He doesn’t want me to. You see he is brave enough to fight a whole pack of wild dogs, roam the prairie at night, shoot any man who does him wrong. But he is afraid to really love someone and commit to them. He is too frightened to take the risk of having a family again. He lost his in the war too.” 

She turned back to Katniss and gave her a sad but resolved smile. “Don’t you worry about me” she assured her. “I knew what I was getting myself into and I’ll be fine. But you…you have a man who would do anything for you. Who gave you his whole heart. Just like you, he can’t change the past but he is offering you his future. Don’t take that for granted. Men like Peeta are scarce. Don’t throw him away because you miss your father. You can love them both even if they would have disagreed on this. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.”

On her ride home, Katniss’s thoughts slowly shifted from her husband and why he had dodged the draft to Gale and the things he had said during their last encounter. The more she thought about it, the more sure she was that his actions and words didn’t add up. He had no genuine interest in her as a person. He barely knew her anymore. She had little doubt that he would go through with it and marry her if she agreed but she suspected that it was mostly a matter of convenience for him and a way to continue to punish Peeta. 

He said that if she had sent word to him he would have come to her rescue but she had no way to get in touch with him. It was impossible to believe that he had never heard what had become of her. Their plantations were only a few miles apart. EVERYONE knew of her family’s demise and her subsequent fall from decent society. If he had been so concerned about her welfare, he had ample time and opportunity to inquire after her. She thought of Peeta. If he knew she was in trouble, he would have committed any amount of time or resource to see her safe again. 

She tried to take a step back and analyze the things that she knew about Gale Hawthorne the man. Not the Gale who had been her partner in crime as a young child, but the one whom she had seen at parties from a distance as a youth and the one who had taken so much delight in outing her husband the other night at the farm. 

Gale was angry and resentful about the loss of the war and the subsequent decline of much of his family’s holdings as well. He was due to inherit a sprawling cotton plantation before the old world had collapsed. He had landed on his feet though. She could see that by the way the other men had regarded him. He commanded power and attention and she had noticed the fine nature of his horse and clothing too. Gale might hate the Yankees, but that didn’t extend to their money and it seemed that he was receiving plenty of it as a railroad man. 

She thought of what he might gain by taking her as a wife. She was young, healthy, and strong. He found her attractive, she could tell by the way he was looking at her when they were watching the sunset and then later by the fire. Her manners were good and they had similar upbringings. Her divorce would cause a stir but if Gale were working for the northern railroad he had already given up on being truly accepted in southern society. He had wealth and power, he didn’t need social approval. No one would speak ill of them to their faces, they wouldn’t dare. 

That still didn’t fully explain what was in it for him. Sure, he hated Peeta, but that was a poor excuse to saddle himself with an impoverished woman. That is when it occurred to her. She had no wealth of her own. No family, no influence, no obvious means of support, and therefore she came with no obligations or strings attached. She would be an ideal wife to leave at his home while he traveled. She would have his children and run his household and be grateful just to be provided for. She had no position in society or family that would have to be taken care of nor answered to. A man like Gale preferred straightforward arrangements in which he held all the power. Yes, she would be a convenient wife indeed. 

She was relieved to reach the cabin just as the sun was setting. Peeta was sitting at the front step and ran to meet her. She could see the anxiety and exhaustion in his eyes. She wished he would ask her where she had been but instead he told her that her supper was on the table and that he would fetch her water for washing as well. She ate and actually tasted the food for the first time in days. She watched as Peeta heated her water. No matter the circumstances, he still cared for her comforts. 

Peeta could barely keep his eyes open. Katniss was home, at least for now, and with that knowledge came an almost overwhelming desire to let his body rest. He had done little since Gale had left but agonize over whether his wife would be leaving him. He simply couldn’t bear to comp template it another minute. He laid in bed and listened to the sounds of her washing until darkness overcame him. 

Katniss watched him sleep and noted the darkness under his eyes. He normally sprawled out on his back, his arms open to her. Tonight, he was curled into a ball at the far corner of the bed. He was worried, fearful that she would abandon him. She thought of the frightened young man that Delly had described. Perhaps the super human strength she had always associated with him had been a bit of an allusion created by his relative wealth and greater size when compared to her. It was a thought that remained with her as she combed out her hair and slipped in beside him. 

When she woke hours later from another horrifying dream, he was the only person she wanted. She had just seen her sister run into the barn, watched it collapse on her head. “Prim” she called into the darkness. She repeated her sister’s name over and over as Peeta drew her into the circle of his arms. He was so warm, so undeniably steady. “Kat” he soothed, rubbing her back and bringing her mouth to the crook of his neck. “Kat, shhh…you’re alright. You’re safe and your sister isn’t in pain anymore. I’ve got you darling. You’re going to be just fine.” She threw her body completely over him and burst into tears again. 

Days of uncertainty and yearning for his comfort poured out as she clung to him. Her tears streamed down the back of his neck but he didn’t move to wipe them. Instead, he caressed her lower back with one hand and cupped her head with the other. His scent told her that all was well, but her memory of his strange reaction to being confronted by Gale still twisted within. 

Peeta could feel her trembling and wanted nothing more than to shield her from all her troubles. For once, he knew that he was chief among what ailed her. There was nothing he could do to remedy the past but he could be here to comfort her now and that was what he planned to do as long as she would let him. When her crying had ceased he dropped several kisses on the top of her head and then to the side of her face. This caused her to draw back immediately. She wiped her face and shifted to lay beside him, propping herself on an elbow. It was the first time she appeared ready to speak to him since the ill-fated arrival of the small army group. 

“I’ve been thinking” she said quietly. “I know the war was brutal and I only saw what went on behind the lines. You were pretty young when you were drafted and I know how you feel about hurting anything unnecessarily. Were you afraid Peeta? Is that why you didn’t go?”

Peeta took a deep breath. He had been preparing for this for days but he still wasn’t sure how it would be received. “Sure” he admitted. “I was plenty scared and Gale was right. I was never cut out to be a soldier but that wasn’t the reason that I refused.”

Her face was immediately in its signature scowl. 

“I told you before that I had a good friend but that he wasn’t able to come west with me” he began. “His name was Thresh. His mother was a personal maid to mine when my mother was young and then nanny to us boys and then head housekeeper at the plantation. My brothers were a lot older than me so Thresh and I did everything together. Even after my parents sent me to military school we always went fishing and camping on breaks.”

Katniss considered his words carefully. She had also had a close relationship with a Negro but hers had come after the war. She wondered how her perception of it might have differed if she had been close to Cecelia before Fort Sumter. 

“He was my best friend and I was never comfortable knowing that when we grew up he would be whipped by the foreman, have to work the cotton fields all day. My father agreed to have him trained as a butler. His mother was getting older and starting to succumb to her age. She couldn’t work all day anymore. Her husband had been sold further south years before and most of her sons had followed. My whole life my family promised her that if she was good and faithful and if the house was run well she could keep her youngest with her.”

Peeta fought tears at the memories but forced himself to continue. “On my last leave from school, I came home to find her bedridden and Thresh gone. My parents said that they had been offered more than a fair price for him since he was so big. I screamed and cried and raged at my father and he looked at me as if I had lost my mind. He just shook his head and told me that business was business and that it was high time I understood that. He said it was fine to become attached to slaves, he understood that and that some of the females had been good to him when mother hadn’t.”

“I felt so sick inside. I played in the slave cabins as a boy with Thresh. I knew how they felt about my father. None of those women wanted the “comfort” they gave him. Once you really knew some of them it all seemed so wrong. But that was the way things were and that is the way they had to be for my family to live the way that we did.”

He stopped to scratch the back of his neck before he continued. He had never spoken like this to another white person and it made him extremely nervous to admit to such thoughts and feelings. 

“When the war broke out, I was able to get leave home because both of my brothers signed up. I made sure that Thresh’s mother was taken care of until she passed and planned to look for him too. If I could have bought him back without anyone knowing I might have been able to free him and send him north. Or I might have been able to let him perform easier work and then freed him later. I don’t know. I’m not sure what I would have done but before I had the chance to put anything into action my name was called by the draft board.”

“It was a tough decision. Despite all of our differences, I didn’t want to shame my family. I thought I loved Madge and I wanted her to be proud of me too. I was a young wealthy fellow with a strong future ahead of me. I also went to academy with a lot of the boys at the front. I respected them and I wanted to back them up. But I held a similar bond with many a man in the blue uniform too. Military school had always been boys from a mix of backgrounds from north and south. The thought of shooting one of my old classmates kept me up at night.”

“I resolved several times to report to my station but I would always stop at the last second. I would remember Thresh, his mother, the things my father had said, all of the lighter skinned children I had seen around the plantation. All of my mother’s seething hatred for the women we owned and the children they bore. It wasn’t a good thing Katniss. Not for any of us.”

“But…” Katniss stuttered. “There were families that weren’t like that. And that wasn’t the only reason men served. The Yankees were trying to take over our country, trying to tell us how to live our lives and what our society had to look like. We had to do something.”

Peeta nodded. “I know Kat” he agreed. “I know there were good men who served. Most of them didn’t even have slaves. I’m not arguing that they were all wrong in their reasons to go. But since we all have these rights that everyone wanted, each man had to decide on his own what the just course of action was. I decided not to join the confederate army. I couldn’t fight to defend a system that so often served wickedness and didn’t reward goodness and faithfulness. That isn’t what God would have had me do and I was a Christian before I was a southerner.” 

Katniss sat gaping at him. She had never heard such talk in her life. 

“Kat” he whispered reaching out to touch her face and then trailing his hand down the scars on her back. “Nobody should be in a positon in which he or she is completely powerless and has no voice. It’s dangerous and truly horrible things happen. No one knows that better than you.”

She shuddered and did her best not to remember all of the times slaves had been punished at her own home. “Papa…Papa never liked selling them away from their families” she defended. 

Peeta sat back. He would never win the battle of criticizing her father. “He did it though” was all he said. 

Katniss was flooded with uncertainty and fear. Like the ground beneath her were starting to crumble. She rushed to keep it in its place. 

“But when I came here” she started. “When I came you accused me of being mixed race. You told Haymitch that you wouldn’t marry a colored woman or an Indian.”

Peeta considered her argument. “I’m still working out how I feel about some of these things” he admitted. “I’m not sure about some of the larger political questions. I just saw a world I didn’t want to be a part of and I left it hoping to find something better. That comment about you came out all wrong. You just looked so different than the girls I knew before and I shouldn’t have said that. You’re beautiful and your skin is perfect. I love how different it looks than mine when I hold you.” He rubbed her dark locks between his fingers. 

“You’re right that I didn’t want an interracial marriage. I guess I’m not that comfortable with it. Marriage is hard and life is difficult, look at all of the troubles we have been having. I didn’t want to have one more mountain to climb. That and I wanted children. I want the best for my kids, really for all kids. If I would have married a squaw they would never have been accepted into society, not white society anyway. I didn’t want to explain to my sons why they couldn’t attend functions with me or register to vote. Maybe it isn’t right that people would have treated us poorly but that’s the way it is and my thoughts and feelings about a woman wouldn’t change it.” 

The following day Katniss was up early. By the time Peeta had donned a shirt and trousers her horse was saddled and ready to go. The coat and hat she was wearing suggested more than just a casual ride and the saddle bags appeared to be full. This was it, she was leaving. She walked up to meet him and to his surprise she came up on her toes and kissed him gently on the cheek. It felt like goodbye. 

“I’m going to see Delly” she said. “I have a lot to think about it and I need to talk it through with someone.” 

He nodded but the solemnness of her expression made him doubt her words. 

“I’ll be back tonight” she assured. He nodded again and pulled her close to give her a proper kiss. If he never saw her again he was going to take this one last memory. 

As he readied for the day he wanted to believe her. But he knew she wasn’t visiting Delly. For one thing, he was pretty sure that was where she had been the day before. For another, when she had left she had been heading in the opposite direction. He only hoped she knew what she was doing. He doubted she actually knew where Hawthorne was even if she did intend to meet him. 

He put off returning to the cabin until late afternoon. He didn’t want to face it without her. Couldn’t stand to see her piano and the bed they had shared. When he lost the battle with his hunger he went to the kitchen, not sparing a glance around the room. His dinner was nearly ready when he finally lost it and set the spoon down. On trembling knees, he walked over and lifted the lid of the trunk. His world shattered. Her money bag was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens. Now we know why Peeta didn’t report for duty. His ideas and attitudes about race and about the world he grew up in are complicated but I think we can all see that he was a man trying to do what he thought was right. It is all a lot for Katniss to take in. Her thoughts and ideas about the Confederacy and southern society are complex and continuing to evolve as well. 
> 
> The obvious question that this chapter raises is where is Katniss going? Is she really going back to speak with Delly again? Is she going to find Gale? Is she striking out on her own? Is she doing something else altogether? We will answer that question and more next time. 
> 
> I would love to hear your speculations on that and comments on anything in this chapter. Here are some points to get your thoughts going:
> 
> Katniss’s thoughts on Peeta’s lies by omission and also on her own. This relationship did not start nor evolve under normal circumstances and it has had consequences for them. 
> 
> The conflict within her regarding her parents and their values and her own thoughts about life and her feelings for her husband. 
> 
> Katniss reveals the true identity of the man who raped her. People had always assumed it was a Yankee and she let them. Why do you think she let them and what were the consequences for her over the years of keeping that to herself?
> 
> Delly offers some wisdom, good old Delly. She has some solid points for Katniss to think about. She is also encountering some personal problems of her own. 
> 
> Katniss thinks through Gale’s proposal and has some firm ideas regarding why he would make her such an offer. I thought this part was pretty interesting. 
> 
> Peeta still cares for Katniss no matter what the circumstances, awwwww. 
> 
> Peeta reveals a relationship from his past and how it and other events on his family’s plantation gave him a different perspective on the war and on living in a society based on slavery. It is easy to think of society at that time as being completely racially segregated and while it was stratified based on race, people of both races lived in close quarters and interacted with each other all the time. It was a lot messier than what we see in old movies. 
> 
> Important lines in this section: 
> 
> It wasn’t a good thing Katniss. Not for any of us.
> 
> Nobody should be in a positon in which he or she is completely powerless and has no voice. It’s dangerous and truly horrible things happen. No one knows that better than you.
> 
> Katniss was flooded with uncertainty and fear. Like the ground beneath her were starting to crumble. She rushed to keep it in its place.
> 
> I think those last three sentences do a pretty good job of summarizing where Katniss stands in dealing with all of this new perspective that Peeta has presented her with.


	18. I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation with Gale reveals even more about the past Peeta wants to put behind him and Katniss makes her decision regarding whether or not to stay or go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I know. I owe you all an update. I know you are anxious to see where Katniss is going so I won't bore you with a lot of notes up front but I would love to hear your thoughts on the decisions Katniss makes in the chapter and the things that Gale reveals.

It didn’t take Katniss long to negotiate with the brave. His English was actually surprisingly good. When she approached the camp word of her arrival spread quickly and most of the people scattered. They recognized her and knew she had been sick the last time they had seen her. Even though she had survived she was still considered to be bad medicine. 

She thought that she would have to ask around in order to locate Smokey but the young man whom he had been traded to met her before she was even able to fully enter the village. 

“White woman strong” he said motioning to her. “White woman still alive.”

“Yes” she said, removing her hat so that he could see her better. “My husband tells me that your people are mostly to thank for it.”

He seemed unimpressed. “White men not thankful to us. Not the ones who came after.”

“So there have been other white men here?” She asked. “Strangers in uniform?” 

He nodded. “What they want no good. We tell them leave us in peace.”

She reached for her money bag and shook it so that he could hear the clatter of gold pieces. “I am not with those men” she assured. “I’ve come to make a trade. A good trade that will benefit you.”

His eyes narrowed. “No land” he stated. 

“No land” she agreed. “All I want is my husband’s horse back. I can pay in gold, more than he is worth.”

He brought his hand down to stroke along the animal’s mane. “Good horse, worth many coins.”

Katniss smiled. The bargaining had begun. If he wasn’t willing to sell the horse he would have simply declined. Instead, he was talking it up to get the best price possible. She removed her bag and pretended to count out a large portion of it. When she offered him that, he argued with her until she had agreed to pay it all. What he did not know, was that she had already shifted half of it into the other saddle bag. She knew he would drive the amount up to total whatever he believed she could pay. A short time later, she was riding back towards the farm, Peeta’s horse tied to her own. 

Her heart was still aching but it was no longer conflicted. She had trusted Peeta wholeheartedly and the realization that he had hidden things from her made her reticent to make herself vulnerable again. He didn’t believe in the cause and she was still struggling to unite herself with someone who differed so much with her on so large an issue. But she still used the windows to check her reflection and fix her hair before she saw him. Her heart beat faster when she noticed his stare and she longed to share passion with him again. He was her husband and she was still in love with him. 

The man she had chosen to spend her life with would have been adversary to her beloved father. They each belonged to a distinctly different part of her life and it was difficult for her to reconcile the two. She glanced over at Smokey. She was doing the right thing. Peeta had trusted her to have the immediate means to start off on her own at any time. She was showing him that she wasn’t ever going to walk through that door. Things couldn’t just go back to the way they had been, parts of him were apparently unknown to her. But she was committed to exploring him completely. 

In the distance she saw a circle of tents and smoke rising from a cooking fire. She was pretty sure she knew the identity of the small party and as she drew closer her suspicions were confirmed. She dismounted and accepted greeting from several of the soldiers. Gale emerged from his tent almost immediately. 

“Kat” he said smiling and opened his arms to her. She reached forward and simply shook his hand. It was a clear rebuff and she regretted that it took place in front of others but he hadn’t given her much of a choice. 

“Maybe it would be best if we speak in private for a moment” she suggested and he nodded his head to a creek nearby. She led the horses over to be watered but was careful to stay within line of sight. She knew Gale wouldn’t harm her but she was a married woman and it would be inappropriate for them to be truly alone. 

“I’m confused Katniss” Gale began with a hint of agitation. “You are planning to come with me right? If not, why did you come and find me?” 

“I’m not going with you” she answered with conviction. “I wasn’t looking for you. I actually went to trade for a horse that Peeta had lost and just stumbled on your party on my way back to the farm but I’m glad that I did. You made me a serious proposal Gale and I owe you an honest answer. I know that my husband has faults and he should have told me about his past.”

She took a moment to catch her breath. She suddenly felt a bit winded from the emotions pumping through her veins. She knew her decision would not be well received and she wasn’t used to speaking so freely about her inner thoughts. 

“I don’t fully understand your history with him. But Gale…Peeta is my husband which makes him kin and the most important person in my life. He and I have feelings for each other, very strong ones and we intend to build a life out here together.”

Gale’s face hardened and his fists began to clench. 

“You were a good friend to me when we were young ” she pleaded. “I have fond memories of you and your family and I would like to keep them intact. There is nothing you can say or do to change my mind so please don’t do anything that you will regret.” 

She could see him hesitate.

“I don’t get it” he admitted. “What is this guy holding over you that you want to stay out here instead of going back home?”

Katniss let her mind drift across the years and miles.

“Georgia stopped being my home a long time ago” she told him. “There’s nothing there for me now.” 

He gave a slight nod and returned his hat it to his head. Without another word he turned and started back towards camp. 

“Gale” she called to stop him. He looked over his shoulder. “Have you ever been in love?” she asked.

He considered it for a moment and shook his head. She gave him a smile. 

“I want that” she told him. “I want that for you. If I went with you it would never happen. I have that with Peeta and when you meet the right woman you will have it with her too.” 

Katniss was just preparing to mount her horse again when she heard someone say her name. She turned to find Gale, a look of contrition on his face. She cocked her head in question and he shifted back and forth. Whatever he needed to say to her, he obviously didn’t look forward to sharing it. 

“Look Katniss” he began. “I shouldn’t have behaved the way I did the other night at the farm. I shouldn’t have said those things. Mellark has always brought out the worst in me I guess. I did some things, back when we were kids that I regret. I’ve thought a lot about them since then but when I saw him again the other day I got really angry again.”

“Mellark is probably not all bad” he admitted. “But I…I’ve always had it out for him. Bullied him pretty badly all the way through school. It wasn’t that he was weak, no far from it. Quite amazing that he survived everything I put him through. I didn’t always fight fair, me and my buddies would gang up on him. I remember, one time we locked him outside of the barracks and he had to sleep all night in the rain.”

Katniss stopped moving and she brought her hand to her chest. Oh Peeta, he was being abused at home and at school too. Poor boy. How on earth had he still grown up to be so good?

“I don’t understand” Katniss said. “Why do you hate Peeta so much? I know you didn’t like that he failed to report but what got all of this started in the first place?”

Gale stopped to consider this. “During our second year, there was a competition at the end of the term. It was hand to hand, no weapons and you had to pin the other man to the ground. I was an excellent fighter and everyone assumed I would win. Mellark was a pretty solid guy too but he didn’t have the attitude or the presence. But to everyone’s surprise he bested me in the final round and won top honors. After that, I was always on his case. He was a pretty easy target too. He mostly just kept his head down and took it. He never really fought back. Sometimes I felt bad about it but then I would remember the title he stole from me and how disappointed my old man was that I didn’t bring that trophy home. Then a few years later there was a girl. Her name was Madge. I was always sweet on her but when she came of age her parent’s betrothed her to Mellark. His folks had bigger holdings. It seemed like he was always getting things that rightfully belonged to me. Things that I had worked harder for.”

Gale may not know why Peeta hadn’t pushed back harder but Katniss did. Peeta was used to being beaten by someone who held power over him. It had been happening his whole life. Gale Hawthorne was nothing compared to what he had already been through. 

“I was kind of surprised when he went after that man in our company the other night” Gale continued. “I rarely saw that kind of aggression out of him in school.”

He stopped and gave her profile a once over. “I guess he has found something that he is more passionate about now.”

Katniss blushed and he waved his hand to dismiss the compliment and laughed in good humor. When he began again she followed with a small chuckle of her own. 

“It looks like this place has been good to him” Gale noted. “When I knew him before he was more quiet and withdrawn. He spent a lot of his time drawing and didn’t take a lot of interest in our classes. He always struck me as a bit of a dreamer. This life seems to suite him better.”

“That’s what set me off the other day. I always thought that he would have to suffer for abandoning us when we could have used him. Then I run into him all healthy and whole and with a strong and beautiful wife to boot. It isn’t fair. He doesn’t have to relive the battles every night in his dreams. Doesn’t have to carry the guilt of all the men he has killed hanging around his neck. It’s not right that I fought so hard and your father died and our families lost our plantations. Then there are people like the Mellarks that did better. Too well some might think.”

Katniss gave him a quizzical scowl. He removed his hat and ran his fingers through his hear before returning it. 

“Like they were selling to union textile mills the entire time” he offered, filling in the blanks in her mind.

She could see how that burned Gale all the more and it hurt her heart a little too. Not that it reflected on Peeta’s character, he would have been long gone by then. But it made his mother’s treatment seem all the more unnecessary and severe. 

By the time they finished the conversation she saw something that she thought she never would. Something that she never wanted to. Gale was fighting tears. 

“I don’t expect you to forgive me Katniss” Gale said. “God knows I’ll never forgive myself for everything that I did in the war, but for some reason it felt important to tell you the truth. I’m sure Peeta can fill you in on the rest when you ask him. I wish you the best…I really do.” 

“You should stop by and apologize to him” Katniss said with conviction. “It sounds like it is the least you could do.”

Gale shook his head. “That won’t happen. I’m not going to say I’m sorry to a man who didn’t serve. I watched too many good boys die to forgive anyone who abandoned them. But I thought maybe if you knew…I don’t know…it might help you with him somehow. Maybe it was stupid, but it feels right to tell it like it is on this one. I’ve still got my issues with him, but I haven’t done right by a long shot either.”

Katniss hugged him goodbye. She could feel the surprise in his embrace. It made her sad. That her old friend had ended up so miserable and unhappy. That most of it was the result of his own decisions. 

Katniss was so caught up in analyzing what she had learned about her husband that she didn’t notice how slow her pace was. Not until the sun began to sink low in the sky. She needed to get home. Peeta would be worried. 

The door to the cabin opened as she rode up and dismounted. She expected Peeta to be excited about Smokey but as he came forward his face was sober. He reached out and pulled her into his embrace. His arms had their usual strength as he held her but she could also feel the slight tremble in them. His heart was beating fast. 

“Peeta” she said, taking his face in her hands. “It’s alright. Darling did something happen?”

He stared at her as if he were afraid that she would disappear into a puff of smoke at any minute. “You left” he managed. “You left with full saddle bags and traveling clothes and you took your money bag with you.”

Full understanding dawned on her and she pulled him close again. “I wouldn’t” she reassured him. “I would never do that. Even if I decided to go I would tell you. I would say goodbye. I wouldn’t say that I was visiting Delly and then not come back.”

He nodded even as he continued to frown. “I knew you weren’t in town” he told her. “I watched you ride out. You were going the wrong way and you would have worn a better dress.”

She stroked Smokey’s mane. “I needed to go and get this guy. He is part of our family and he needed to come home.”

Peeta smiled and greeted his old friend with a pat. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked. 

Katniss led the animals in to be fed. It had been a long day and the horses deserved it. “Because you would have never let me go” she said. 

“It was dangerous Katniss. You could have been hurt or worse. You didn’t have to put yourself at risk to get my horse back. I love him and I appreciate it but you shouldn’t have gone. You don’t owe me that.”

Katniss grabbed his arm to stop him. “This wasn’t about owing a debt” she told him. “Smokey belongs here and I wanted to spend some of my money bringing him home. He would have made it there but he is better off here with the people who love him.” 

Peeta’s eyes grew sad. “So I won’t be alone if you leave with Gale?” he asked. 

She bit her bottom lip and started to unsaddle her mount. 

“I’m not going with Gale” she answered. 

Peeta turned her to face him. “What?” he asked. 

She lifted her gaze to meet his. “I’m not going with Gale” she repeated with certainty. “I’m still angry with you and hurt that you didn’t tell me. I feel like I need to get to know you all over again and I don’t like it that you dodged the draft. But I’m your wife Peeta and you’re my husband. We are a family and we belong together. This is our home and I won’t leave it because we have had a disagreement. I’m sorry that I made you think that I would.”

After they had eaten, Katniss decided to take a bath and Peeta spent a long time out in the barn. As strange as it sounded, he had missed talking to Smokey. His eyes followed his owner as he paced before the stall and every time Peeta looked into them he thought that they held deep understanding. He confessed the fears he had been having over the last week or so and how glad he was that his friend had come home. It made him feel better to have such a familiar presence about the farm. He didn’t even realize how fully uneasy his friend’s absence had made him until he had returned. 

Before he realized it, the moon was high in the sky. He washed very thoroughly, but he did it outside. His actions reflected his uncertainty with where things stood in his marriage. He wanted to be clean enough to be close to Katniss, but he wasn’t sure she wanted him traipsing naked about the house at this point either. He sighed. He just wished things between them were easier. At least now the whole truth was out and the specter of the past no longer cast dark shadows over the future. 

He found her propped up in bed, reading by lamplight. She was wearing the nightgown he had given her. That was a good sign. Her freshly washed hair tumbled over her shoulders and the ends curled a bit. God, she was so beautiful. She looked up at him and licked her lips. She had no idea how desirable he found her. He had told her many times but he knew that she still didn’t believe him. 

He stripped down to his undershorts and she put her book aside. In a moment, they lay on their sides facing each other. Katniss chose not to distinguish the lamp. They stared at each other in silence. Finally, daring to look their fill of one another after so many days of avoidance. 

“You came back” he said in wonder, bringing a hand to her cheek. 

She covered it with her own. “I never left” she corrected gently. 

He shook his head. “Maybe not physically” he told her. “But you haven’t been with me in this bed since Hawthorne told you the truth about me. You haven’t been paying proper attention to the chores and you haven’t shared a single thought about the planting.” 

Katniss lowered her eyes. “It’s been hard for me to focus” she admitted. “All I can think about is Mama and Papa. About what they would say if they knew of our marriage. How they would judge me for wanting to stay. They wouldn’t approve Peeta. I know they wouldn’t. But they also didn’t know you. They didn’t know the life we have lived since the war. They didn’t know Cecelia or Thresh. It’s really hard but I guess I’ve realized that at this point in my life…they don’t know me.” 

Peeta held her face in his hands as he brought his lips to her forehead.

She wanted to lose herself in his touch but she pulled back because she needed answers more. 

“Why didn’t you stand up for yourself?” she asked. He answered with a quizzical look. “When Gale was here” she clarified. “Why didn’t you push back on him?”

“I did” Peeta answered. “Heck, I grabbed that one guy and shook him so hard they had to break it up.”

Katniss considered this. “Because of what he said about me” she observed. “You came to my defense the moment a word was said to disparage my honor but you stayed silent when the attack was against you.”

Peeta shrugged. “What Hawthorne said was true. I probably deserved to be called out for my actions. Especially since I hadn’t told you about them when we married.”

“Oh Peeta” Katniss said in concern, bringing a hand back up to his face. “Gale didn’t just tell me about the past, he called you names and the way he spoke to you was so disrespectful. He had no right to treat you in such a manner.”

He thought on it. “I guess I’m just used to him being that way. He always was when we were in school. I knew the minute I saw him that he would humiliate me. Then I saw the way he looked at you. There was no way he was going to show me any mercy with you here. When he comes back, please don’t speak to him alone. I really don’t like it. I saw when he tried to kiss you in front of the fire.”

Katniss’s cheeks flamed at the memory. She hadn’t allowed it but she ought not to have been in such an intimate setting with him in the first place. 

“I’m sorry” she said softly. “I wasn’t thinking straight that night. You won’t have to worry about next time though. On my way back from buying Smokey I ran into him, well the whole party that is. I told him that I wasn’t going with him. I said that I wanted to stay married because of my vows and because of the way that we feel about each other.”

She gave him a shy smile and he felt his heart soar. She wasn’t leaving. She had told Hawthorne to buzz off. She had had chosen him and she had told Hawthorne to his face. 

“Gale and I spoke about some other things this afternoon as well” she continued. “That is one of the reasons I was so late. He told me…he told me that he and some of the other cadets used to bully you.”

She wasn’t exactly sure how Peeta would react by being confronted about this but she didn’t expect the tears that welled in his eyes. 

“Yeah” he admitted and looked away. “They did.”

She pulled his head to her chest and kissed his forehead. “Can you tell me?” she asked. “I won’t judge you Peeta, I promise. I just…I just need to know and I think you might need to talk about it.”

He never intended to speak of his days in military school to anyone, let alone a beautiful woman in a nightie. But she was his partner. He needed to take this chance and trust her. After all, she had shown him her back hadn’t she? And she never looked at him differently because of his limp. Maybe it would be alright to tell someone about all the bad things that had happened to him. 

“Hawthorne never liked me” he told her. “But after I beat him in the wrestling tournament he went out of his way to make my life hell whenever he could. Him and his buddies stole my homework, ruined my uniforms, they even put poop in my bed once. Any time we had a chance to meet girls they would tell them that I liked other men. They spread rumors that I had been caught doing it with another cadet. I confronted him once. I punched him and another guy in the face so hard that it knocked them both on the floor. A few nights later, a group of them dragged me out of my bed in the middle of the night and took me to the basement. A couple of them held me down and beat me with some kind of a pipe or club, I don’t know, my memory of it is really hazy. After that, I laid low and stayed out of their way. It was strange though… Gale wasn’t there that night. He stopped by the infirmary and told me that he wanted me to know that it wasn’t him and that he had no part in it. I think he knew that they had gone too far. It never happened again and I know he was the one that put a stop to it and I was grateful for that but he still treated me like I was some kind of a sissy when he saw me. ”

His expression hardened. Katniss noticed that his face was dry but hers wasn’t. “What’s funny is that Hawthorne has always thought that he licked me. That I backed down because I was afraid of what he might do.” 

He looked down at his hands. “I wasn’t afraid of him. I could have taken care of that situation if he was my only problem. What I was really afraid of was getting in trouble with the school. The Superintendent liked Hawthorne. His father was one of his close friends. If it got back to my mother that I was doing anything less than being a model cadet, she would have beaten me…badly. There were some times when I didn’t know if she was going to stop. I was a thousand times more afraid of what she would do than I ever was of the guys at school. I couldn’t fight back against her. She was my mother.”

Katniss laid kisses on his face. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” 

“Who would I have told?” he asked. “My father and my brothers already knew. So did the slaves who worked on our plantation. My father didn’t like it but he didn’t know how to stand up to her. That’s why he spent so much time in the city running our business there or…down in the slave cabins.”

“It had been happening since I was really little so I just assumed that it was normal. I felt like I deserved it. The first time I ever actually defied her she ran me over with the carriage. She was sorry that I didn’t die. That’s why I had to leave. I hate my limp but it helps remind me of what I am I guess.”

“It should only remind you of how badly she deserves to be horse whipped” Katniss insisted. 

“She didn’t want another boy” Peeta explained. “Actually, I am not sure she wanted another baby at all. She already had two sons to inherit our properties. My brothers thought I was a nuisance. I had lots of friends and girls who liked me. Because my family had money and I was handsome and easy to get along with. Later on I even had Madge, but I wasn’t ever able to get too close to anyone. I couldn’t risk them finding out about mother. About the things she did to me. About my relationship with Thresh. Looking back, even that might not have been real. I was the owner’s son. He got the best of everything when he played with me. I like to think I wasn’t just the means to an end but I don’t know. I found out later that he ran away and joined the United States Colored Troops. In the end he didn’t require any help from me. He was his own man. Most of my family was glad to see me go. No one needed me.”

Katniss was bursting with things that she needed to tell him. But she wasn’t good with words. Instead, she moved to straddle his waist. She adjusted to align their most intimate parts and rub them together. He groaned and she sat back to look at him. 

“I do Peeta” she confessed. “I need you.”

He was surprised how wet she was as she slowly sank down. When he was fully encased she sat back and closed her eyes. 

“What are you thinking Kat?” he asked quietly. 

She opened her eyes to look at him. “How full you make me feel. How no one else could have ever gotten this close. How much I need this to last. I need you Peeta. I want to love you, to belong to you.”

She began to move, slowly at first, taking him in long torturous strokes. He tried to help but she refused to lean forward. Instead, she kept her body upright, forcing him to accept her pace. She wanted it to be her effort that would bring them both to release. She held his gaze the whole time. Watching as tears began to flow down his face to match her own. 

They had both lost so much. Both suffered at the hands of others again and again. That knowledge built between the two of them along with their excitement. But it wasn’t the pain of the past that caused them to lose control. It was the breaking of the tension that had surrounded them since Gale’s pronouncements. The relief of being together again. The full gravity of all that might never have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The return of Smokey!!!! I know that was a relief to some of you. It is obviously nice for Peeta to have him back but it means more than that. What is she trying to tell Peeta in both what she does to get him back and what she says about it when she returns home?
> 
> The conversation with Gale is interesting. Clearly we still don't love the guy, but he is more human and three dimensional as we get to know him a little more. He has mixed feelings about some of his past actions but I can't help but notice that he doesn't confess his sins until it already clear that she isn't going to go with him.
> 
> He reveals additional things about Peeta's young life and some of the hurts he suffered. It is a small section, but he also makes a speculation regarding Peeta's family. No way to know if it is the truth or not but selling to the enemy while assaulting her own son for disloyalty does sound like something this woman would do. 
> 
> Peeta also tells a story about Gale. Gale was clearly a bully but he also knew when things had gone to far and put a stop to it. 
> 
> Proud of Katniss for telling Gale that she loves Peeta. She might not have been as rough on him as some would have liked but they have history and we tend to give our friends a lot of grace, particularly when they are from our past and don't really have a strong bearing on our future. 
> 
> Katniss makes the decision to stay and to declare her need and her love to Peeta. It is an important conversation that serves to enhance their bond. Peeta got vulnerable with her and shared the true depth of his mother's abuse and she was a very soft place to fall. A lot of common ground here, only Peeta's abuser was a family member and someone who was supposed to love him. 
> 
> So much to leave me feedback on. I am sure we will have some lively dialogue.


	19. I Can't Handle This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johanna's calf is coming. Peeta and Katniss do their best to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been a while since my last update but real life has been getting in the way of me having time to work on this story and spring usually brings a hectic travel schedule for me. 
> 
> I don't want to write too much here because I want you to dive into this chapter and then give me some feedback. I really appreciate all of you who have been leaving me comments. 
> 
> I hate giving spoilers and hints about what is coming in a chapter but this time I need to. If you have sensitivity to stillbirth or miscarriage you should skip this one. I don't want to surprise you with that kind of content if you wish to avoid it. I have update the tags on the story too.

Peeta was worried. He was doing his best to hide it from Katniss, but he was all but sure something was wrong with Johanna. The cow had been restless for a couple of days and yesterday he had noticed the sudden swelling of her udders. This morning, there had been mucus about her tail and her springing had become more pronounced. He wished he could stay closer to the barn throughout the day but with all the work there was to do it just wasn’t possible. 

The animal was on his mind all day as he and Katniss continued the planting and they took turns checking on her. Every time he saw her she appeared to be more and more uncomfortable. By the end of the day the calf still wasn’t coming. He grabbed a blanket and headed out to the barn. 

“Where are you going?” Katniss asked. 

“Johanna has to be getting close” Peeta answered. “I think I should stay with her tonight.”

Katniss smiled. “We both should” she agreed picking up some more bedding. 

They laid in the hay together, their legs entwined, her head resting beneath his chin. 

“Did anyone agree with you?” Katniss asked. “When you decided not to join the army” she clarified. “Did anyone think you were making the right decision?”

Peeta shrugged. “Madge certainly didn’t. She wouldn’t even come to see me in the hospital. She sent a note through her cousin telling me how embarrassed she was and ending the engagement. My brothers were probably pretty disgusted given that they were both serving at the front. I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to either of them. As soon as I could ride a horse I took off.”

Peeta’s hand moved lazily over her shoulders and through her hair. She was glad that he could speak this way with her. That he could be relaxed. They had been talking more and more about the past now that there was less to fear from it. 

“I am sure that there were plenty of Yankee sympathizers” Peeta said thoughtfully. “Lots of men never reported. I met quite a few of them when I traveled west and when I worked on the railroad.”

Katniss propped herself up on her elbow. “What sorts of men were they?” she asked. 

“All kinds” he answered. “Men who were too scared to go. Some who didn’t believe in killing. Some I talked to just didn’t think we had a chance to win. Others were poor farmers or laborers. Those men didn’t take to fighting a war for slaves they didn’t have any way.” 

Katniss ran her fingers over his chest. “I’m starting to think that I’m glad you weren’t with the army.” 

Her words surprised him and he tilted his head to meet her gaze. “It’s wouldn’t have saved my family” she explained. “I love you Peeta and if you would have gone you might have been killed. I guess what I’m saying is that I loved the life I had before the war…but that was gone no matter what you decided. I’ve thought a lot about the things you have said and I am still thinking about them. For now I am just going to be content to have you and be happy about it.” 

He pulled her closer and they snuggled to keep warm the whole night through. 

In the morning, Johanna’s water sac was present. Peeta took a deep breath. That was a good sign. He washed his hands and winced a little as he reached in to feel the position of the calf. He felt awkward about it even if she was a cow. 

“Have you done this before?” Katniss asked. 

“Not on my own” he answered. “But I’ve helped. I know what needs to be done.”

Katniss’s heart began to beat faster. This would likely happen to her soon enough. Fully pregnant, her time coming with little to no skilled care available if something were to go wrong. It felt prophetic and she had the urge to vomit. She took a few steps out into the cool morning air and began to breathe deeply. She needed to hold it together, to help Peeta with the birthing. She just couldn’t shake the awful feelings that began to rise within her. 

Hours later Johanna seemed to be no further along. Peeta wiped his sleeve across his brow. He had been pulling for a long time but to no avail. Johanna was miserable and Katniss was getting more and more upset by the minute. He said another prayer. He needed to get this calf out soon. 

“Kantiss” he said, louder than he meant to. “Katniss” he repeated in agitation. He turned to see her staring off into space. Time was getting short and she was checking out on him. An hour ago she was beside herself worrying about the birth, now she wasn’t even listening. 

“Katniss” he yelled. “Listen dammit I need your help here.” That seemed to snap her out of it and she gave him her attention. “Go get one of the smaller sets of chains” he barked. He couldn’t help it. He was exhausted, shoulder deep in mucus and blood and 90% sure he was fighting a losing battle. 

She returned a short time later with the chain. Peeta used all of his might and within a few minutes had enough of the cow pulled out to wrap the chain around the legs. He ordered her to saddle Smokey and she obeyed but she didn’t seem to understand the urgency. It was as if she were a woman in a trance. Perhaps it was her way of dealing with the stressful situation. He would have to worry about that later, when this more immediate crisis had passed. 

When the horse was ready, Peeta hooked up the chain. He wouldn’t wish this on his worst enemy but he was left with little choice. He guided the horse forward and Johanna let out several mournful sounds. The calf finally slipped free but as Peeta had suspected it didn’t move at all. He rushed over and stuck his fingers up its nose in an effort to clear the mucus. He turned it over but the eyes remained closed and the chest didn’t rise. The poor thing was already gone. 

Katniss fell to his side and began to examine it for signs of life. When she got no immediate results she called to it to get up and move, her hands moved with increased speed trying to resuscitate the new life. 

“Kat” Peeta said softly. “Kat…honey. It’s no use. He’s gone.”

She turned her head and glared at him. “No Peeta, he just needs help. We need to help him.”

Her voice was angry and her eyes held fire in them. Peeta moved to put a hand on her shoulder and she jerked back. 

“Katniss” he repeated. “There’s nothing we can do.”

“Well we have to do something” she said, her voice rising. “It’s Johanna’s baby. We can’t just let him die.”

“Listen” he said in concern. “I know it’s hard to accept but the calf didn’t make it. I’m sure Johanna will be disappointed but we will have to try again.” 

“Try again?” she practically spit at him. She turned to Johanna and before he realized what she was about she hit the poor cow as hard as she could. The large beast barely glanced at her but alarm bells began going off in Peeta’s mind. Something was off here. Something was really wrong with his wife. 

“It’s your fault” she accused Johanna. “You killed him! Why didn’t you take better care of him? He’s your baby for God’s sake.” 

She threw herself on the calf as if to protect it but Peeta grabbed her from behind and lifted her into his arms. 

“No!” she screamed. “He can’t be dead. He can’t be. Do something Peeta. Help him.” 

Peeta tried to still her arms but she fought him like a wild banshee. Her face was streaked with tears. She beat his chest with her fists and continued to scream but the volume of her voice combined with her close proximity caused her words to be lost on him. The desperation and horror reflected in her face frightened him. He did his best to hold her through her rising hysteria. 

He called her name again and again but she was lost in a torrent of anguish. Peeta watched his wife, so strong and brave flail against him until her heart and lungs could no longer get enough oxygen to her brain. Her body went limp as she lost consciousness and he gathered her in his arms and carried her to their bed. 

His heart was racing too and he had a million thoughts running through his mind but chief among them was that he shouldn’t allow her to stay unconscious very long. He removed her hat and loosened the belt around her waist. He grabbed pillows from the head of the bed and propped her legs up. 

“Katniss” he called to her. “Katniss” he said again, her panic starting to rub off on him. 

When her head tossed to the side and he saw her silver eyes again he took a big sigh of relief. He needed to remain calm. Show strength so that she wouldn’t be afraid. Whatever she had just confronted in her mind out there had been no small thing. 

Katniss closed her eyes again and a kaleidoscope of suppressed memories assailed her. A hungry girl with a barely swollen belly. The sound of a weak baby cry among the moans of suffering men. The stench of death and cleaning solvents. The feel of a small heartbeat and then…nothing. Nuns in white habits making the sign of the cross. 

She stumbled out of bed just in time to reach the wash basin. She bent her head and expelled the horrid feelings from her body. Peeta came over and held her hair until she had wretched the last of her stomach contents into the bowl. He brought a hand to her forehead. She seemed to be free of fever. Her eyes appeared tired and haunted. 

He fetched a glass of water and had her take a few sips and rinse her mouth before removing her clothes and returning her to bed. She wasn’t well. Not in body or in heart. He didn’t trust her to be alone but he had to tend Johanna and take care of the body of the calf before Katniss saw it again. He sat and waited until she slept. 

He returned to the barn and quickly fed the animals, paying extra attention to the needs of his exhausted milk cow. He hefted the body of the calf and carried it into the empty stall. He needed to keep it inside or it would attract predators. He would get up early tomorrow and bury it before Katniss came out. 

As he worked, he thought through the day’s events. How his wife had reacted and the things that must have been going on inside for her to have had such a strong and violent reaction. He examined what he knew of her past. He recounted his own time with her over the last several months. He remembered her joy the day he told her Johanna was pregnant. He measured her sorrow and desperation at the loss of the calf. She had felt ill during the birthing and just now she had been vomiting in the cabin. 

When Katniss opened her eyes again she could see that it was dark outside. The wick of a single candle danced with a flickering flame. Peeta sat in a chair beside her. His eyes were filled with love and concern. She looked down to see that their fingers were intertwined. The birthing of the still born calf and her subsequent reactions came rushing back to her and her belly rolled with nausea once again. 

Peeta picked up a bucket and offered it to her. She shook her head. 

“There’s nothing left” she said. Her voice was weak and Peeta sat her up and insisted that she drink a glass of water. 

Her eyes held no tears but her expression was pleading. He removed his clothes and joined her. She turned on her side and he spooned her from behind. They were both naked but intercourse was far from his mind. Instinctually, he knew that this skin to skin contact was what she needed. 

She breathed deeply and started to relax. A long silence passed but he could feel the rise and fall of her chest and he knew by the pace that she wasn’t asleep. 

“Kat” he said softly. “I love you and I’m going to take care of you. You…you’re pregnant aren’t you?” 

He heard her breath catch. “Yes” she answered. “I…I think so. It didn’t even hit me until today. There has just been so much work to do and then Gale came and we argued and I was so confused and I haven’t been paying attention like I should. I’ve been working so hard, not sleeping enough. Peeta, I am a horrible mother. How could I have been so blind? How could I not know?”

Peeta hushed her self-criticism and stroked her belly. Despite the terrible pain of seeing Katniss suffer today he felt an enormous sense of joy. He was going to be a father. Katniss was pregnant and they were going to have a family. 

“When were your last courses?” he asked. 

“Over two months ago” she admitted. “I thought I might just be late because of the stress and I am not always regular. Maybe I didn’t want to face it because things have been so uncertain between us the last few weeks.”

“I’m not uncertain” Peeta said with confidence. “I will do anything for your Kat. Anything for you and our baby. Just tell me what you both need and I will give it. I will get it. If you want to go back to Georgia I will take you. We can stay here, we can live in town. I don’t care what happens as long as you and the baby are safe and happy.”

She turned and kissed him. “Oh, Peeta” she sighed. “I don’t want to leave the farm.” She brought his hand to her middle. “This is where our baby should be born. But I will be so much less helpful to you. I hate to saddle you with all of the hardest work.”

He laughed a little at this. “You grow a new person and I’ll chop the wood. I would take that deal any day.”

“This is serious Peeta” she insisted. 

He took her hand again. “I managed for three years on my own” he reminded her. “And for a while you can handle the lighter chores. You will still be lots of help to me. Besides, I didn’t send for a wife so that you could plant the crops. I want this. I want to have a family with you.”

She relaxed in his arms and he was tempted to leave the conversation as it stood. He hated to bring up painful things, especially during such a happy time. But he knew that it needed to be addressed and he feared how her spirit would handle any further suppression. 

“Katniss” he said softly, giving her skin a comforting caress. “This isn’t the first time is it? I mean, you’ve been pregnant before, when you were younger. You had a baby?” 

She stiffened in his embrace. Her eyes clamped shut and her breathing sped up. He continued to rub her back. He gave her a few minutes. He didn’t want to push her. 

When her eyes opened again she let out a strangled sob. “Yes” she managed. “Yes, I did and I was a bad mother then too and I…I lost it.”

He held her so that she faced him and forced her chin up so that he could look into her eyes. “Listen to me” he insisted and she struggled in his embrace. “Kat, listen. I don’t know what happened to your baby but I know that you weren’t a bad mother. You are always completely selfless and you love very deeply. I’m sure you did the best that you could.”

Her lower lip trembled and tears continued to fall. “Peeta” she squeaked. “I…I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t try to keep it from you. It hurt so badly that I try never to think about it. Every time that I do it is so overwhelming that I think I convinced myself that it never happened. That it was some horrible dream. But how could I have? What kind of a woman forgets her own baby?”

He pulled her against his chest and kissed her temple. “One who is doing the only thing she can to survive” he told her. 

She continued to shed the tears that she had been holding at bay for years and he rocked her in his arms. 

“I’m not angry Katniss. Not at all. This isn’t like the things we have failed to be honest about before. I saw what happened out there today. I know that this is different. For a long time this has been bigger than you hasn’t it? Bigger than what you were able to handle and accept?”

She nodded. 

“It’s alright love” he soothed. “I’m here now. You aren’t alone. I know you will always miss your baby but maybe I can help? We can talk about it when you are ready. You can share some of the pain, let me feel it too. I think we will need to spend some time grieving for the baby lost before we can welcome the one that is coming the way that we should.”

“We?” she questioned. 

“Yes Katniss, we” he repeated. “We are a family and if the baby had lived it would be mine too.”

This struck her as an extremely strange notion, but not an unwelcome one. She imagined the infant she had once held as a toddler, sitting on Peeta’s knee. Yes, he was going to be a wonderful father. 

“I think I need to talk about it” Katniss decided. “After what happened earlier, it seems there are some things that I need to remember. To get them out in the open so that I don’t have all of this trapped inside.”

She had to stop several times and take time to cry and wipe her nose, but Peeta listened to every word and for the first time she started to feel like her baby was a real person and not just a gaping hole that existed somewhere in her soul.

“I started to get sick shortly after our house burned” she recalled. “A family from one of the plantations near ours had taken me in. At first they thought I was just heartsick but after a couple of weeks the woman of the house confronted me. She asked me if I was pregnant and I told her that I didn’t know. I explained what had happened but she said that a woman couldn’t conceive when she was forced. They were already strapped for food and provisions and it was an easy excuse to cast me out.”

Peeta snorted in derision at the woman’s behavior. “That’s crazy” he muttered. 

“I know that what she did was cruel” Katniss agreed. “But you don’t know how hard the times were. Keeping me and my child was literally bread out of her babies’ mouths. 

“I didn’t mean that” Peeta corrected. “I meant the part about not getting pregnant when a man forces you.”

Katniss considered this. “I don’t know” she cautioned. “Lots of people say that it is true. I have even overhear some preachers and physicians confirm it.”

“So you think that man didn’t rape you because you became with child?” he questioned. 

“No…I mean he did, but if what they say is true then I must have been in the wrong as well. It is a terrible sin to accept a man’s attentions in that way.”

“You didn’t accept a damn thing” Peeta answered sternly. “Kat, no one understands the mystery of conception but God. What would the preacher or the physician know of what a woman goes through during a forcible rape? Besides, you know of all of the mixed race children on the plantations and what some of our men did. My own father did such things. You knew Cecelia and other freed women. You lived with them. Would all of those women have gone willingly into the slave master’s arms?”

Katniss shook her head. Of that she was certain. 

“Once I was a pregnant teenage girl carrying a Yankee bastard I had limited job opportunities. No one would have me. I would have married a laborer but there was a shortage of healthy men. Those who could still earn a living could have their pick and you saw what I looked like when I arrived here. I tried really hard to find something that wasn’t so physically taxing, but in the end I had to settle for working in the fields. It was the only job available.”

Her hand flew to her belly as she recalled that time of her life and grimaced with the pain of remembrance. 

“I shared a cabin with an older couple who had lost their farm in the war. They mostly left me to myself, but they didn’t go out of their way to help me either. It was a very difficult time. It was the first season after the fighting ended and it seemed like the land had been completely stripped of its bounty. People were still trying to find lost relatives, the refugees were starting to return…but often there was nothing to come home too.”

“I still missed my parents and Prim terribly. I cried almost every night. I didn’t sleep much and food was scarce. I didn’t even start to show until it was almost time for the baby to arrive. Sometimes I would go days without remembering that it even existed.”

She looked guilty and Peeta wanted to back in time and come to her rescue. To keep her from experiencing the pain of so much loss and the emotional complications of being the unfortunate survivor. 

“The cramping started one night and the woman I lived with took me to the hospital. The nuns weren’t thrilled to have me because they were still trying to care for so many sick and wounded. It wasn’t chaotic like the days when the big battles were still taking place, but so many people couldn’t make it on their own and no one ever came to claim them. But when she explained to them that I had no one they welcomed me to stay. Their eyes were sad when they examined me. I think they knew my baby didn’t have a strong chance.”

She sniffled a bit, unsure she was ready to discuss what followed. 

“My labor progressed slowly. I don’t remember it in detail. Just hours of agony and wishing I would die. I wanted to see it though. I so wanted to hold and love my baby. He…he was born alive. They warned me that he was small and struggling, but they propped me up and I got to hold him for a few hours before he died.” 

“He” Peeta said. “Katniss, you had a son.”

“Yes” she agreed. “I had a son.” It felt foreign, yet healing to admit it. 

“I couldn’t forgive myself after that. I just couldn’t accept that I hadn’t been able to take care of him. He was the only person in the world who needed me. The only person left that I loved and I failed him. I wallowed in it for months. When they released me from the hospital I didn’t return to my job. I didn’t collect my wages. I just curled up by a tree and waited to die. Then one night a cold rain fell and I thought of how Prim hated the rain. It frightened her. I remembered the sound of my father singing. I pictured my mother sitting at the piano for Sunday service. I knew then that I couldn’t give up. I was the one who kept their memory alive.”

“I forced myself to walk the long miles to the next plantation looking to hire. I just kept myself moving, coming and going from the fields every day. I pushed all thoughts of my baby out of my mind. I had to. That was the only way I knew how to keep myself alive.” 

“You were very brave” Peeta told her. “You were strong and courageous then and you still are now.”

His hands smoothed over her middle. 

“This time will be different” he promised her. “No one can replace the one that you lost. But you aren’t alone anymore Kat. You won’t have to work in the fields. You can rest whenever you feel poorly. I will take you to the doctor in town when there are concerns and we will have someone come to help with the birth.”

He looked thoughtful. “I also need to consult with my bank man and correspond with the title office. We need to get your name put on the farm along with mine and add you to my account. You should inherit them in the event that something should happen to me anyway but I don’t want anything to be tied up in court and I certainly don’t trust my mother. I want you to know with absolute certainty that you have the means to carry and raise our child well.” 

He glanced at her and his face lifted in a smile “I will feed you as much as a horse.” 

She managed a small laugh and brought her mouth to the crook of his neck. She was exhausted and still very frightened but she was also happy. She had a partner this time and she was no longer indigent. This child would have a chance, a very good chance of having a wonderful life. It would certainly be loved and cherished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Peeta in this chapter. He is at his best when he is caring for others. His concern for even a cow shows what a loving man he is. 
> 
> Poor Johanna, poor baby cow. I know, so sad. 
> 
> Katniss really goes through a lot here. We thought that we knew everything she had been through and so did Peeta and now to discover this too. She has a lot of pain and guilt built up inside and she been suppressing it for so long. 
> 
> If you didn't love Peeta before this chapter, you should now. At least I do. If I have a total mental breakdown he is the guy that I want around. He hasn't always done the best job in this story of reading her and having good insight into her needs, but he does this time when she is struggling the most. When she confirms that she has been pregnant before, you can hear how afraid of rejection she is and he is so strong and understanding. He doesn't let any petty feelings or ideas get in the way. He puts her first. 
> 
> I bring up some controversial issues regarding the rape in this chapter too. I obviously do not believe that a woman cannot get pregnant during a rape and it is absolutely untrue. It is a shame that ideas like this still float around at times despite the fact that they are false. Katniss is still wrestling with feelings of shame and guilt related to her assault. Just having the love of a good man doesn't make it go away. He speaks some truth to her here but it is something she is still working through. Many of the people in her life when she was a young person didn't help the situation. 
> 
> Katniss is pregnant!!! Not deeply shocking given their recent activity but still exciting. A lot of hope in this one despite all of the pain of past loss.


	20. A Big Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Katniss’s pregnancy progresses she has a heart to heart with Delly and takes her intimate relationship with Peeta to another level.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We will have one more chapter after this and then an epilogue. Thanks so much to everyone who is reading and keeping up with the story. Extra thanks and love to those of you who faithfully leave me feedback. I don’t think I could stay motivated to keep writing if it was not for you. 
> 
> This chapter definitely contains mature content so you have been warned. I have kids and I love them, but this story is not for the kiddies.

Peeta stood just inside the doorway watching her. Her long dark hair spilled out behind the back of the washtub. Her knees were bent and slightly parted to allow for her growing belly. She had been able to help him all through the planting season but the summers days were beginning to take their toll. He had suggested a cool bath for her comfort. He hadn’t anticipated the impact her glowing body and beaded nipples would have on him when he returned to the cabin. He knew he should make his presence known but she was so gorgeous that he couldn’t deny himself a few more minutes of watching her.

Katniss grinned as she ran the washcloth over her shoulders and breasts again. He had been driving her crazy all day working in nothing but his breeches. Let him eat his heart out. She glanced in the mirror. His expression turned painful and he reached forward to readjust himself. She giggled, she couldn’t help it. 

“I know you’re there Peeta” she called to him. 

His cheeks flamed with embarrassment. He came in and hung his hat up on the peg and avoided her gaze. She cocked her head in question. 

“I am your wife you know” she reminded him. “You don’t have to peek at me.”

She grabbed his hand as he walked past her and pulled him down to sit beside the tub. 

“Come” Katniss directed. “Peeta I know you want to look at me. Go ahead, look all you want.”

He ran his hand through his hair. 

“I shouldn’t” he told her. “You’re so beautiful right now, but we agreed to wait until the baby is born and seeing you like this is really testing my will power.”

Katniss shook her head, a sense of accomplishment setting in at having aroused her husband to such a state. 

“It’s understandable” she said lightly, standing and taking her time drying off and donning her nightgown. “I’ve gained so much weight.”

She twisted and turned, observing her body in the mirror. Her breasts and hips were more pronounced and her face appeared a bit fuller. Her middle was expanding and there was no longer any doubt that a little one was growing there. She was happy. Such a figure was pleasing to her husband and a sign that their babe was developing well. 

When they settled into bed, Peeta lifted her gown and ran a hand over her belly. His other stroked the scars that marred her back. His lips left small kisses on her shoulder. 

This pregnancy was so different from the last one. Sure, she felt exhausted by the end of the day, but there actually was an end of the work day. She could rest when she needed and she ate until she was full. There was no dread of what fate might await the child when it was born into poverty. This child would want for nothing. Safe and secure in its parents love it would blossom and grow on their little farm. 

Katniss moved her hand to cover her husbands’. He was taking such amazing care of both her and their babe. Even when he was shouldering the brunt of the labor he was kind and patient in the evenings. They had continued lovemaking until she started showing. Once the baby was large enough to cause a bump they had decided that it was too risky. They could harm it or cause her to go into premature labor. Katniss had no idea if these fears had merit but it was better to be safe than sorry. Keeping her little one healthy was her number one priority. She desperately missed her intimacy with Peeta though. His hands, even in their current innocent venture caused her to ache. 

“What did he look like?” Peeta asked, breaking her train of thought. 

“What?” she asked. She had barely been listening. Too focused on how each callous felt as it brushed against her. 

“Our baby. What did he look like?” Peeta repeated. 

She closed her eyes and thought of him. She had been doing this more, recalling the past and sharing it with her husband. Sharing the child she had loved and lost. Letting Peeta love him too. It hurt and sometimes she cried but it also felt right. Like restoring something valuable to its rightful place of honor. 

“Small” Katniss answered. “Cute though. A perfect head of dark hair and brown eyes. Not grey like mine. He must have gotten those from…the man who hurt me.” 

Peeta’s arms tightened around her and he kissed her face. 

“His hands and fingers were so tiny” she recalled. “He didn’t cry much, he mostly just slept but he opened his eyes and looked at me a few times. He had my father’s nose.” 

“What did you name him?” Peeta asked. 

Katniss frowned. “I didn’t. I mean, I wanted to but he didn’t live long enough for anyone to ask me and then I felt sick every time I thought of him. Every time I remembered how much I failed him. I guess I didn’t feel like a deserved to give him a name, but that isn’t fair to him is it?” 

Peeta shook his head. 

“I wish I would have gotten a chance to hold him” he told her. 

“Me too” Katniss agreed. “I wish…I wish you could have been there. That we both could have been there for each other from the beginning. That you could have held me when my father died and I could have nursed you after that carriage accident and beaten your mother senseless.”

Her last words were spoken in a tone of humor despite the serious topic and Peeta chuckled. Katniss moved her hips and rubbed her bottom and against his groin. He moaned and she answered with a mischievous laugh. He loved seeing her this way. So feisty and full of life. Such a change from the hopeless and defeated girl he had first seen on the prairie. Remembering her baby was helping her. Unshackled from the burden of guilt and shame, she was emerging as this whole new person. The version of Katniss she was capable of being when she wasn’t spending so much time and energy forcing herself to forget. 

He turned his attentions to her belly once again. 

“How is my princess tonight?” he asked. 

Katniss snorted. “How can you be so sure that it is a she?” 

Peeta shrugged. “I just know. There is a little Kitty Kat growing in there, I feel like I am getting to know her already.”

Katniss glanced at her belly and bit her lower lip. “Will that matter to you?” she asked. “I mean, a boy might be more helpful. To carry on your name and work the farm.” 

“I just want it to be healthy” he assured. “The baby will be working around the farm as soon as he or she can walk regardless. Besides, you’re probably better at farming than me. My parents had three sons. There will be no danger of the family name dying off.”

He looked thoughtful. “I can’t wait to hold her. I want this chance to build something new with you. A family that loves each other and where everyone belongs. I want to be the father that mine never had the strength to be. I’m going to do that. Be a faithful husband and protect my children from any harm.” 

Katniss considered this. Marriage to Peeta and the birth of their baby would be a restoration of a happy family for her. But for him it was a whole new experience. She smiled as she settled into his embrace. She thought when she came here that he had a position of power over her and that she would never stop owing him but that wasn’t the case. She had something that he needed, that he had always wanted and had set out in search of. She had the ability to give him a home. 

His hands, which had been ghosting over her tummy slipped lower. A small moan escaped her and she could hear the corresponding hitch of his breath. His erection was hard and pressing into her bottom, it was a common occurrence when they were cuddling like this. What was unusual was the thundering of his heart against her back. She thought that it was going to beat out of his chest. 

He slipped out from behind her and shifted her onto her back. His eyes were hungry and full of need as he pushed her nightgown up to the waist. His mouth descended on hers and his tongue teased and rubbed until she was gasping for breath. His lips found her pulse point and his palms cupped her breasts. He was muttering nonsense about how perfect she was and how much he loved her and Katniss’s hips began to move of their own accord. Lifting her pubic bone into the air, seeking friction where she needed it most. 

She expected him to touch her then. To bring his finger tips to her clitoris and stimulate the bundle of nerves until she called his name. Instead, his mouth continued its southern descent. He kissed her stomach, now full and rounded with child. She appreciated the affection but she was wound tight and wished that just this once he would concentrate on her more carnal needs and ignore the baby bump she was sporting. He didn’t stop there though and when his kisses reached her inner thighs she felt a surge of alarm. 

“Peeta” she sputtered, pushing herself into a sitting positon. “What…what are you doing?”

He looked uncertain as he sat back. He didn’t meet her gaze. “I was just trying to love you. You know, make you feel good.”

She bit her lip so hard that he thought it might bleed. Her hands fell to the skirt of her gown and she moved it to cover herself. 

“Yes” she said after a few moments “but what were you doing?”

He turned scarlet. It had taken him months to work up the courage to try it. Ever since Haymitch put the idea into his mind, it just wouldn’t go. He had spent countless nights outside the cabin touching himself and imagining what she would taste and smell like. He told himself that it wasn’t a lie. He said that he was relieving himself and he was. He knew it wasn’t proper, but she was so soft and willing in his arms. He could see the frustrated desire just beneath the surface of her calm exterior. He couldn’t make love to her as he normally would so he thought to please her in other ways. It was difficult enough for him to make a move and try to realize his fantasy, he never imagined he would actually have to put the act into words. 

“I was…I was going to put my mouth on you…you know…down there” he finally managed. 

Her expression told him everything. He should never have listened to Haymitch. She was horrified, completely disgusted with him. 

“Peeta, why would you want to do such a thing?” she asked, even while desire began to pool in her belly. She stiffened up and resisted it. 

“To pleasure you. I can give you the same excitement that I do from lovemaking that way and it won’t hurt the baby. Like I do when I use my fingers on you but better.”

Katniss could hardly believe her ears. Peeta wanted to put his mouth on her private parts. Her breasts began to tingle as her imagination took flight, conjuring notions of what it might feel like. What his head would look like nestled between her legs. She shook her head to clear it. 

“No” she blurted out before gaining control of her voice. “Peeta” she started again, this time much more calmly. “I…don’t think we should. There is no way that it is an…appropriate thing for people to do. It sounds like something that would go on in a brothel.” Suddenly, her face appeared frightened and she glanced at him with pleading eyes. 

“No Kat” he reassured. “Of course not. I’ve never done that with anyone. I’ve never even been to a brothel. It was just something that I was told about before. That I could do to it to please a woman if I had one. I’m…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I’m just…sorry.”

“It’s alright” she said, reaching for him and bringing herself back into his arms. “It scared me when you tried to do it is all. It feels wrong, like a path we shouldn’t go down. We shouldn’t do things that are dirty.”

Peeta nodded and brought her nose to his neck. He had spooked her, his normally brave and adventurous wife. Still, she was very pure and she had a good moral compass. She was right that he ought not to treat her that way. She wasn’t a common hooker. She was a lady. It took him a long time to fall asleep. For one thing, he was very uncomfortable from their earlier activity. For another, he was busy praying that God would remove such ideas from his consciousness. If they offended Katniss he had best put them out of his mind. 

Katniss had been battling nightmares for years and emotional events and changes usually triggered them. Peeta had held her and dried her tears for weeks after they discovered her pregnancy. But that night her sleep was dreamless. So quiet and deep that at first she didn’t hear her husband calling for her. 

“Katniss” he cried again and again, twisting in the bed linens as he searched for her. When she was conscious enough to comprehend his distress she shook him awake. His eyes were full of terror and she did her best to hold him close. It wasn’t easy with her expanded belly. He turned her over and spooned her again. It was really the only comfortable position left to them given their new addition. His face fell to her neck and he breathed her scent. She turned her head to kiss his face. 

“Peeta honey, it’s ok. I’m here. I’m alright. I’m not going anywhere.” 

As his heart rate slowed she berated herself internally once again. Why did she say that she would consider Gale’s offer when she never had any intention of doing such a thing? Selfish, foolish girl. Hadn’t her mother always taught her that words were the water that could never be returned to the well? She kissed him again and brought his hand to her midriff. She felt safer with it there, it anchored them both. 

She laid on her back so that she could look him in the eye. “I…am…never…leaving” she said the words slowly, emphasizing each one. “I’m never going to leave you alone. I’m your partner. We are in this together no matter what and I am so sorry that I have ever done anything to make you doubt that.”

He nodded and she lifted his face to hers again. “Do you understand me?” she asked. 

“Yes” he whispered. 

“Do you believe me?” she asked. 

He paused. “Yes” he whispered. “What about earlier?” he asked. 

She kissed him again. “It was just a misunderstanding” she assured. “We talked about it. Peeta, we are totally fine. We aren’t even having a quarrel.”

The weeks that followed were difficult ones. The pregnancy continued to advance and the days were long and humid. Delly came out and helped with some of the chores and to check on her friends. She was pleased as she could be with the pregnancy and fawned over Katniss as if she were kin. It was a bright spot in her world since Thom had left. The two women sat on the porch one evening and watched the sunset. 

“I could never have imagined this life when I was a little girl” Katniss mused. 

Delly smiled and patted her hand. 

“I guess if I could have I would have been rather disappointed. I thought that I would become the mistress of our plantation or of my husband’s. But now that I am here I wouldn’t have it any differently.”

“Do you miss it?” Delly asked. “Your old life I mean.”

“Yes…no” Katniss said with a sad smile. She put her feet up on a stool. They were bare, swollen and painful.

“I miss my family” she clarified. “Maybe if the war hadn’t come I would have been happy in that world, but Peeta is right. Now that I’ve gone through the sufferings that I have and seen the things that I have seen…now that I have lived with others and loved them and lost them. I’m different now. It would never feel right again.”

“What?” Delly asked. 

“Owning slaves” she answered. “I didn’t think about it when I was younger. It was just the way things were. But this way of living is better. It’s harder on our bodies but much more generous to our spirit. Peeta and I get to spend so much time together this way too. We don’t have separate spheres. We need each other. This is our life and we don’t have to take anything from anyone else to plant it and watch it grow.”

Her friend nodded. “And what about your father?” she asked. 

“Papa would be proud of my independent spirit” Katniss told her. 

Delly was proud of her friend too. She had come a long way since coming to be Peeta’s wife. She was just turning to tell her that when she saw tears in the younger woman’s eyes. 

“I’m scared” she admitted, her voice trembling. “My baby will be coming soon and I am so afraid to lose it.” She could tell that Delly was going to say something but she lifted her hand to silence her. She didn’t want empty declarations that everything would be alright. She had heard enough of those from Peeta. 

“Can you promise me something?” she pleaded. Delly nodded and held her hand tight. 

“Will you come when it’s time? Will you sit with me? If something happens I don’t want Peeta to be alone. I know you two don’t have romantic feelings for each other and likely never could but if I don’t live through the birth will you take care of him? Be his friend? Make sure that he goes to Sunday services until he can smile again?”

A tear ran down Delly’s face as she agreed. Not because she was convinced that her friend would die but because it was a possibility. Childbirth was dangerous and Katniss was due in a matter of weeks. She couldn’t be dismissive of her fears. Katniss knew better. The only thing she could do was promise to care for her husband and child if the Lord called her home. 

Katniss felt better when Delly left the next morning. She was loyal and wise. She would offer companionship and council to her family if Katniss were not there herself. There was no one she trusted more. 

Delly had gone on to church but Peeta and Katniss decided to stay home. It had been a busy week and Katniss needed to rest. Peeta read from the Bible and Katniss played her piano and sang. When their worship time was over Peeta went out to take care of the chores and Katniss was left alone with her thoughts for the first time in several days. It made her uncomfortable. 

It was easier to distract herself when Delly was there. She quickly found herself pacing and had to force her body to lie down. The baby needed her to relax. She managed to accomplish it with her body but her mind was still working on overdrive. Her thoughts kept flitting back and forth from Peeta dodging the draft to all of their conversations on the subject that followed, to her years as a sharecropper, her relationship with Cecelia, her abuse, her upbringing, her impending labor, her parents expectations…it was exhausting. 

To make matters worse, her mind kept diverting both her dreams and her day time fantasies to that night that Peeta tried to touch her with his mouth. Try as she might she could not forget it. It wasn’t that she wanted him to perform such an unholy task, that wasn’t it. She was just curious. The touch of his lips on her inner thighs had caused a surge of danger to shoot up her spine but they had also stimulated an intense feeling of excitement and intrigue. What would it be like to have his mouth fastened over her most feminine region? 

She found herself thinking about it at the most awkward times and her underclothes were constantly moist as a result. Surely her mother would not approve. At least that is what she told herself. Over and over again. But as the sun rose high in the sky and she listened to the sounds of the prairie, she was forced to acknowledge that she had no idea what her thoughts on the matter might have been. She had died when Katniss was still young and was sick for a time before that. They had never spoken about what happens between a husband and a wife. She couldn’t imagine her parents doing such things but she couldn’t picture them enjoying any of the pleasures she and Peeta had shared in their bed. What person would want to? Gross. 

Peeta had been hurt by her reaction. He was clearly interested in taking their lovemaking in that direction and she was supposed to submit her body to him. If he desired those kinds of relations then perhaps she should allow it. He was a good husband. He deserved to gratify his desires. It wasn’t as if he had the option to realize his fantasies with anyone else. She found that she was biting her lip again. It was a real problem to decide what to do. 

She should have spoken to Delly. She was sure that she would have an opinion on the subject. There were just two problems. The first of which was that since Thom had left, Katniss had avoided speaking with her in regards to romance. There was no reason to add salt to an open wound. The second and more insurmountable issue was that there was no way on God’s green earth that Katniss was ever going to be able to actually speak those words to another living soul. She was far too embarrassed. 

She remembered her husband’s own bumbling attempt to explain it to her. She smiled. Peeta wasn’t very worldly either. She thought of her husband who was chopping wood at that very moment. She could hear the crack of the ax as it made its mark again and again. She closed her eyes and pictured him. All bare chested with sweat dripping down his back. The way his muscles bunched and flexed with effort. His handsome smile and calloused, meaty hands. 

She reached under her dress to pull off her undershorts. It was hot and she needed some air she reasoned. She imagined those same hands pulling her lower lips apart so that he could look at her. She swallowed as she pictured the look of longing on his face. He sat on his haunches beside their bed and pulled her over to the edge. Her knees were bent and she cursed her large belly for blocking her vision as he leaned forward and kissed her. The sensation of his lips on her center was incredible. The fantasy was a good one and her fingers found her clit of their own accord. She rubbed several circles there and let out a moan of relief. She needed this. She needed to experience the height of excitement while she pictured him doing this nasty thing to her. 

She continued to stroke herself as she let the admission go. She wanted this. She wanted him to do it. She needed him to or she would surely go mad. It was alright. He was hers, her Peeta and nothing they did in love was wrong. She was going to have his baby soon. No one knew how it would go. She wasn’t going to let the constraints of the old world keep her from this joy they were both so obviously craving from the other. 

She would likely have found the pleasure she was chasing expect that as her ears strained to hear the evidence of him outside of her window they heard nothing. He was no longer chopping. Her eyes flew open and removed her hands from her body just in time for him to walk through the door. 

“Hey” he said casually. “Glad to see you are resting.”

His face and chest glistened from a recent splash of water and it took all of her will power not to resume her earlier efforts and finish herself. 

If he noticed her aroused state he didn’t let on. 

“I was thinking about eating outside today” he said. “Get you out and about and have a picnic this afternoon?”

She could only nod. She didn’t trust herself to open her mouth for fear she might moan in desire for him. 

Helping to pack the picnic basket calmed her mind but her body continued to hum. They took a little bit of a stroll before finding the perfect spot by the creek and spreading the blanket out. They spoke as they ate about Delly and Thom, about the coming harvest and winter preparations. He smiled and reached out to touch her hair. She laughed and loosened the tie so that it hung free at her shoulders. He found little reasons to touch her and she gave him her most alluring glances. It was light and fun but beneath the surface of the conversation and flirtations ran a strong vein of need. 

When his mouth finally found hers he was surprised by how soon her tongue swept forth to rub against his. She grasped his face and pulled him forward, her head turning to the side to mate with him more deeply. Her hand fell to his trousers and grasped him through the cumbersome material. They broke apart, panting for breath and she reached up and began unbuttoning her dress. 

Peeta’s eyes were locked on those hands. Roughened but still so slender and feminine. With each movement she revealed more olive skin for him to feast his eyes upon. When she reached her waist she slipped her arms out and removed her chemise. The most beautiful creature he had ever seen was sitting on the blanket next to him. Her breasts were larger than normal and hung completely bare before him in the summer sun. He couldn’t imagine a more arousing sight until he saw the heat of her gaze. She wanted him. 

He nearly growled as he lay her back and sucked one of them into his mouth. He kept the suction light so that we could pull her nipple in and out of the grasp of his lips repeatedly. She mewled in delight and her nails dug into his scalp as she held him there. His hand reached beneath her skirt only to discover that she wasn’t wearing any underclothes. Holy hell he was excited beyond reason. She was going to have to use her hands on him today. He would beg her if he had to. 

He kissed her neck and sucked the spot below her ear until he left a mark. A little voice in the back of his mind reminded him not to be too rough with her. He remembered what had happened last time when he got too carried away. He tried to back off several times but she kept returning his body to hers. She pulled his shirt out of his breeches and event ripped off one of the buttons in her haste to remove it. He could feel the heat within her as he slipped a finger inside. She was positively dripping. 

When he released her breast he tried to move up her body to kiss along her neck again but she pushed it down. Confused, he made a move to give her chest even more attention but she pushed on him again. 

“Kat” he murmured against her heated flesh. “Kat, what’s wrong?”

She was silent. 

“Tell me what you need love” he told her. 

In a clear state of mind she could never have said it. But through a haze of longing and arousal she managed to. 

“Your mouth Peeta. Put your mouth on me.” 

He looked confused. Isn’t that what he had been doing?

“Between my legs” she pleaded. “Do what you were going to do before.”

He froze. Had he heard her right? This was the same woman who had acted like he tried to paint her in blood when he had attempted it not just a few weeks ago. 

His cock was unimaginably hard. She wasn’t just going to let him, she was pleading for it. 

“Are you sure?” he asked, he needed to be certain. He never wanted to hurt her. 

Katniss looked at him. She wanted to take this risk with him. Not force him to be all out front and vulnerable. 

“Yes” she said with conviction. He moved between her knees and pulled her legs up on either side of his head. “Yes Peeta” she called again. “I…I want to know” she confessed. “I keep thinking about it and it has gotten to the point where I just want it so bad.”

Peeta was in danger of finishing in his pants. He pulled them off along with his shorts. He had to. He couldn’t stand the restriction anymore. He moved the last of her skirt aside and saw her perfect body before him. It was young and tight and glistening with the desire that thoughts of him had given her. 

He knew what to do but he wasn’t exactly sure about the technique. It turned out not to matter because the second he grazed his lips on her femininity she gasped. He paused. Hearing no further objection he brought his tongue out and licked through her folds. The taste of her arousal was intoxicating and he found himself exploring her completely. 

Katniss was in the grip of pure pleasure. She wasn’t sure what to expect but she hadn’t imagined it would be this good. He wasn’t just kissing and teasing her. He was actually licking the folds of her privates. It sounded disgusting to her before but he was clearly enjoying it and the fact that it was so taboo made it all the more arousing. 

He experimented and found the places that made her moan and grasp his hair. Not surprisingly, she enjoyed it when he laved her clit the most. When he took it in his mouth and began to suck she let out a loud squeal. He stopped, unsure if he had hurt her or if he should continue. 

“Don’t stop” she cried. “Peeta…God yes…do it…keep licking me. Make it good, make me finish. Do this to me forever.”

Her words aroused her even further and soon her walls where fluttering around his finger. Her back arched as she griped him again and again. He made sure to make her orgasm last as long as possible but when she collapsed in satisfaction he sprung up to his knees, his cock in his hand. Forget being a gentleman. He was overcome with need and she was absolutely incredible. Her eyes perked up with interest immediately and she watched with thinly veiled desire as he pumped his erection in his hand. His eyes roamed her bare form. Naked Katniss was enough to have him at attention any day but the state of her pregnancy combined with the vulnerability of their outdoor location made all of his impulses stronger. 

It was something magical for him as he came with a long groan under her watchful gaze. Streams of semen poured forth and covered her breasts. He had a moment of doubt about his actions once his adrenaline began to ebb but her smile reassured him. He hadn’t asked permission to do that nor had he ever masturbated in front of her. But as he took the blanket and gently wiped it away he could tell by the kisses she gave him that she had enjoyed it too. They had taken more than a step in their physical intimacy today. It was more like a giant leap of trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the awkward sex talk in this chapter. It is something that I appreciate in general for some reason and I usually include at least some of it and everything that I write. These two were perfect for it because they are both so pure. 
> 
> I like the scene it opens with when he is watching her and she is fully aware of it. It might be creepy under other circumstances but it is really cute in this context. 
> 
> Katniss is doing much better. She is throwing off some of the chains of the past and discovering the power and beauty of her sexuality. The conversations she is having with Peeta about the baby she lost are also helping her to mourn that loss and to heal. The way that Peeta talks about the son that she had makes me love him more than anything else in this story. 
> 
> These are a couple of my favorite lines:  
> Unshackled from the burden of guilt and shame, she was emerging as this whole new person. The version of Katniss she was capable of being when she wasn’t spending so much time and energy forcing herself to forget.
> 
>  
> 
> She is very pleased with her weight gain which was much more typical to this period than it is to our own. She also knows that Peeta likes the way she looks at that it is good for their baby. 
> 
> Poor Peeta gets a rejection the first time he tries to go down on his wife. It genuinely surprises and frightens her, but it also gets her imagination going and it pays off for him in the end (I guess even better for her). I liked how much Katniss wrested with it internally before giving in. It also goes along with the larger theme of letting go of the past and embracing this new life with her husband.


	21. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the time draws near for Katniss to have her baby, she wants to show Peeta just how much she loves him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well people, this is the last regular chapter and then I will post an epilogue. It is pretty long though, as long as the chapters have been so definitely worth reading. 
> 
> Thank so much to all who have followed along and left me feedback. I appreciate you more than you know. 
> 
> I am interested in your thoughts on this chapter and really anything in the work. You don't have much time left to leave me comments so please take time to do so if you can.

She was probably just a couple of weeks from delivery. Thoughts of her and their child filled him at nearly every moment, day and night. He was crazing about her. She was his confidant, his best friend, and his lover. He stopped on the porch and looked to the sky, taking time once again to thank both God and Haymitch for bringing her. He had his ideal woman already picked out in his mind but the two of them had definitely known better. 

She was putting the finishing touches on breakfast when he entered. He helped her move a few things to the table and she waddled over with their plates. She ate like a fiend and he watched her with amusement. 

“What?” she asked, swallowing the last bite of her third flapjack. “She’s hungry.”

He chuckled, not at her reasoning but because he had finally convinced her, at least subconsciously, that their child was a girl. 

“Delly is coming in a couple of days” he said, the mood sobering. The time was drawing close and their friend planned to stay to help with the birth. 

“I’m glad she will be here” Katniss said. “But I’ll miss my time alone with you.” 

Peeta was a gentleman and when Delly stayed at the cabin he let the women share the bed. At first he had insisted on sleeping in the barn, but towards the end of her last visit they convinced him to bed down on the floor. 

He snorted. “I don’t think there will be a lot of that going on at this point anyway” he said good naturedly. “You are much too far along.” 

Katniss smiled. It was a sinful smile that made him squirm, but he liked it. “We’ll see” she added cryptically. 

His groin tightened. He was about to ask her what she meant when she completely changed the subject. 

“Have you ever tried to get in contact with Thresh?” she asked, seemingly out of nowhere.   
He tilted his head and then shook it in confusion. The topic change was too sudden and his mind was still on what he might have to “see” about. “Huh?” he asked. 

“Thresh” she repeated. “You said that he ended up serving in the colored troops. Have you tried to get in touch with him? To write a letter and tell him what you have been up to? Find out how he is?” 

He shook his head again. “What is bringing all this up?” he asked. 

“I don’t know” she said. “The baby I guess. Other than Delly, we haven’t really had anyone to share the good news with and you said that you aren’t going to tell your family. I’ve been thinking about him and wondering what became of him. I just thought you might want to know too.”

Peeta propped is elbow on the table and let his chin rest in his hand. “I don’t think so” he said after a time. 

“Why?” she asked with a hint of sadness. 

“Think about it Kat?” he challenged. “We played together as kids and had a lot of good times together but my family owned him. We kept him and his parents and brothers and sisters as slaves. He finally ran away to freedom. I don’t think he wants to hear from me again.” 

It was Katniss’s turn to shake her head. “You don’t know that Peeta. I know your relationship with him is complicated but it was real. Both parts of it. Besides, you know what happened to his mother after he left. You know she had a peaceful passing. It might be good to share that with him. It couldn’t hurt.”

But it could hurt, Peeta thought. It could hurt him more than his well-meaning wife would ever know. There were four people in this world who Peeta believed had ever cared about him. One was sitting across the table from him and he loved her more than life itself. The second was coming in two days to help deliver his child. The third was buried outside of his cabin last winter. The fourth was lost to him forever by time, space, and society. 

In most ways, he wanted to leave it that way. It was easier to treasure fond memories of the boy from his youth than to deal with the grown man that might harbor more resentment than goodwill. Peeta wanted to believe that he had one true friend growing up. One person who knew what was going on in is life and who suffered along with him. He didn’t want the heartbreak of discovering that he was just a convenient means to an end or worse still that the relationship had been forced upon the other boy. It was something that was better left in the past. 

She got up and walked over to him, taking his head and laying it against her middle. He nuzzled their baby and it kicked him in the head. 

Katniss laughed. “See, she thinks you should write to him too.” 

“He has the right not to speak to me again” Peeta argued. 

“I agree” Katniss conferred. “He doesn’t have to answer you. But I doubt he has the means to make the first step. You can open that door for him and then he can choose whether or not he wants to walk through it.”

She noticed how her husband remained solemn as he kissed her and returned to the chores. Her chest swelled as she watched him go. He took her whole heart with him. She loved him so much and she wanted to tell him. She wanted to show him. No one else ever had. He had constantly given his best only to be mistreated or abandoned. 

She thought of her father. Steadfast in his desire to fight for a cause that he believed in. One that he thought would bring himself and his family a better and brighter future. He had been wrong. She admired him for his determination and resolve but he wasn’t right about the war. It hadn’t made them stronger. It hadn’t served as a protection against the Yankees. It hadn’t saved their way of life. It had killed them all. Katniss may have survived but she lost her innocence. The young lady who grew up on her family’s plantation was dead. 

She thought of Peeta. Other men had rushed to the cause to defend their honor, family, and homes. Gale thought that Peeta had shied away from that duty, and for a while she had too. But what Peeta had done was harder in some ways. He had given up his honor, family, and home. He didn’t do it because he was frightened. She was sure that he was scared, just like any sane person would be. But she knew that Peeta would fight to the death for the people he loved. She let her hand fall to her belly. No, he had given them up because he wouldn’t fight to keep those things from others. 

She remembered Cecelia. She tried to imagine Thresh. She recalled all the times that her mammy had laid her down as a little girl when her mother was too busy. They deserved their rights too. Peeta just saw that more clearly than others. He had reasoned it out much earlier than she had. 

Perhaps it was because he could identify with them. He had always been out of place in his household. Unwanted and abused. A second class citizen when compared to his brothers. The cruelty he endured should have snuffed out the good in him. But instead he allowed it to give him amazing empathy for others. His words to Gale about their Indian neighbors were adept. While others were narrow minded in their pursuit of the good, Peeta had a much larger vision. She just needed to prove to him that he was as deserving as everyone else. 

That evening after dinner she asked him if he could haul water for her to bathe in. She could see the fatigue in his eyes as he agreed but he never let it alter his expression. She shook her head as he trudged toward the well. Like she didn’t see how hard he was working every day. She knew he was nearly exhausted. 

After Peeta had filled the tub with hot water, he returned to the barn to finish caring for the animals. “It’s a good thing that I love her” he muttered to Smokey. He sighed. Sure she had just taken a bath yesterday but he shouldn’t begrudge her the comfort. She was getting close and he knew that her muscles had to be hurting. Still, handling nearly all the chores was more difficult than he had remembered. He would be glad when she was able to help him again. 

His thoughts drifted to their coming child and he smiled. Katniss had already made a cloth sling for them to carry her in. She would be a little farmer in no time. Since the bulk of the harvest work had already been completed he had been working on a wooden cradle and it was nearly finished. When the snows began in earnest they would have down time to get her adjusted and hopefully sleeping through the night before planting season began again. 

He stopped outside of the cabin and braced himself. He hadn’t been gone that long and he was positive that she was still in the tub. He wasn’t sure he could handle seeing her right now since he needed to keep his hands off. 

When he entered he found his wife sitting beside rather than in the tub. Her hair was brushed out and she was already in her nightgown. She had lit more candles than normal and the towel he had laid out was still sitting on the chair, undisturbed. He looked down at her and instantly hardened. Delly had given her the new gown to accommodate her expanding belly and so that it would be easier for her to feed the baby when the time came. The cut was low and he could see the tops of her swollen breasts. 

“Did you already take your bath?” he asked. 

“No” she said quietly. “It’s for you.” 

She managed to get herself up, very awkwardly and she came over and began to undress him. 

It caught him by surprise and he reached out and stilled her hands. 

“You don’t have to do that honey” he said. “You can take your bath. I’ll wait. You should be relaxing, trying to rest to keep your strength up.”

“I’ve rested plenty today” she said dismissively, resuming her earlier task of removing his shirt. When she reached the buttons that were tucked into his pants he turned away. 

“I’ve got it Kat” he said. “You don’t need to undress me. I can do it.”

“Peeta” she said and her serious tone made him turn around. “Let me” she told him, moving her hands to the front of his belt. “I would have drawn your bath myself but I couldn’t. Let me do what I can.”

His expression was pained, reflecting the mixed emotions that lie within. He wanted to let her. He was dying for her love and affection. He yearned for her care and attention. But she was his wife and she was heavy with child. He should be the one caring for her. 

When he was naked she brought his face down and kissed him. Her gentle smile made his heart skip a beat. 

“Listen to me love” she whispered in his hear. “This isn’t a chore. I’m going to enjoy it very much. This is what marriage is about. You always cater to me when you can. Tonight, I’m going to serve you.” 

It was such a sweet thing to say, but her tone was so sexy that his erection was standing at attention and pressing against her. He took a deep breath as she took his hand and led him over to the tub, only to let it out when he sank into the water. It was still warm and his aching muscles began to relax at the combination of heat and the feel of his wife’s hands as she got to work rubbing his upper back and shoulders. 

Peeta was in heaven as he lounged in the wash tub and let her touch him all over. She massaged everywhere she could reach, including his feet and injured leg. Her love and devotion clearly on display to be going to such lengths for his comfort at a time when it was clearly difficult for her to manage it. She left little kisses on his skin as she traveled from one part of his body to another, giving each one her full and complete attention. 

Over time, her movements inevitably caused the water to splash and slosh over the side and by the time she grabbed the washcloth, parts of her nightgown and the tips of her hair were damp. He couldn’t recall her ever being so lovely. She lathered his hair first and then his body. 

“Thank you” he said quietly as she bathed him. She answered with a kiss to his temple. “I mean it” he asserted. “It means a lot to me when you take time to…” he couldn’t finish. He didn’t really know what he was trying to say. 

“Touch you” she supplied. And her comment took him by surprise. He was both startled and deeply moved by how well she had come to know him. “Make you feel special” she added. He nodded, his head bowed. “You are special Peeta” she told him, lifting his chin. 

Her eyes were a mix of emotions he had never seen before, but one of them was clearly passion. She hadn’t just come to care for and respect him. It was much stronger than that. “A few weeks ago I was frightened” she admitted. “But I’m not anymore. I know that no matter what happens, I’ve already experienced the best this life has to offer.” 

He returned her gaze, his mind full of questions. 

“You” she managed, her throat constricting with emotion. She took a deep and cleansing breath. “You are the best man I have ever known and even if something doesn’t go right, it was worth it to belong to you and to make sure that this world gets another part of you to hold on to. Our baby will have you and there is no one I trust more to raise a child in truth and in love. No girl will have ever had such a father.”

He knew what she was saying to him and he could hardly believe it. She had placed him on an even higher pedestal than the man she had idolized her entire life. He felt himself becoming stronger and more powerful under her gaze. Like he was being transformed into something other worldly. Katniss truly loved him above any other. 

Her breath was coming faster as she watched the play of emotions on his face and her hand slipped below the water to stroke him. He was swollen and firm in her grasp and he closed his eyes as she worked him gently. After a few minutes he grunted in frustration. She was being too gentle. He needed her to grip him tighter, her pace needed to be faster. When he opened his eyes again he saw the mischievous look on her face. His feisty little Katniss was playing with him. He almost grabbed his own cock, the force of desire that hit him was so strong. He wanted to bend her over one of the pieces of furniture. 

Instead, he settled for following her lead when she stood and allowing her to towel dry him in the candlelight. The top of her gown was wet and he could see a straining nipple through the white cotton. She was as turned on as he was. 

When she had finished wiping his chest, she took her sweet time handling his privates. He had never realized how arousing being dried off could be. She couldn’t bend over, so when she reached his legs she knelt before him. He still had a sizeable erection and when she continued, it bumped her on the cheek. He froze and she stopped the motion of her hands. She looked up to him and when their eyes met her decision was made. 

She grabbed him and felt him pulse just once in her hand before she slipped the head into her mouth. She had been thinking about it for weeks, but hadn’t had the courage to bring it up. He had put his mouth on her like this several times and it always brought her the most exquisite pleasure. She wanted him to experience it too. She also had the strangest yearning to fill herself with him in every way possible. She closed her eyes and took him in as far as she could. His cock was full and thick and scrapping the walls of her throat. It was so exciting and satisfying that she let out a moan of her own. 

Peeta resisted the urge to let his eyes close. He was overwhelmed with the sensations that her mouth was creating but he had also never seen anything so erotic and he didn’t want to miss a moment of it. He wasn’t a saint. He had imagined her doing this since they married…ok, since he had first seen her on the prairie. He knew that it would feel good and that her mouth would be warm. He had never conjured anything even remotely as amazing as the heat in her as she moaned all over his dick. 

She tried to take him deeper and gagged a bit and he pulled her back in concern. She coughed and he saw a moment of insecurity as she glanced up at him. He could read her thoughts as they had once been his own. I did something wrong. I won’t measure up. I’ve been a disappointment. 

“You’re fucking perfect Kat” he told her as he slipped his fingers into the hair at the back of her head and pulled her to him again. Her confidence returned and she gripped the base in her palm and experimented with her lips once again. She discovered that he liked to have the underside licked and that his head was sensitive when she sucked on it. His grunts and swearing made her feel sexy and powerful. She might be the one on her knees, but she was controlling this situation and giving what she wanted him to have. 

His thrusting was becoming erratic and she knew that he would cum soon. His grip on her hair tightened just as she wondered what his balls would taste like. He would welcome it. There was no part of himself that he didn’t want her to nourish. It would have to wait until next time she determined as he muttered her name along with a curse. 

This can’t be happening. That was all he could think as he watched the scene that played out before him. No woman could ever love him like this. His own mother wished that he had never been born. But there she was. This strong and gorgeous woman was submitting herself to him in the most base and sexual way. She was servicing him on her knees when she was 9 months pregnant and she was loving every minute of it. 

He intended to pull out when it was time. He didn’t expect her to take it into her mouth, although he had to admit that the idea appealed to him. But as he drew close she saw her pull the top of her gown to her waist. Her hands moved to her breasts and she cupped and fondled herself. Her fingertips found her nipples and she tugged on them. Her corresponding moans vibrated his cock and he exploded inside of her. 

Katniss dropped her aching breasts and gripped him as she sucked his quivering member. If it was anything like what he had done to her in the field, he was probably experiencing the best orgasm of his life and she wanted it to last as long as possible. His grip on her hair tightened to the point of pain and she felt even more moisture flood drawers. 

Peeta watched in amazement as she sat back and lowered herself to the wooden floor. A dribble of his semen hung at the corner of her mouth and she snatched it away with a finger and began to rub it on her swollen clit. This was the best night of his life. 

He stared at her unabashedly as she used that single finger to build her excitement. She rubbed the tiny bud with expert precision. She had done this before. Many times. He knew that she was innocent before their first time together, even of herself. This skill had been developed recently. She read his thoughts and answered them. 

“I can’t help it” she squeaked, barely capable of speech. “I can’t stop thinking about you” she confessed. “About the things we do together.” The admission made Peeta feel 10 feet tall and as she achieved her climax she reached for his hand and laced their fingers together. Her excitement and pleasure belonged to him and his to her. 

When Delly arrived two days later, Katniss was already in labor. Peeta met her at the door and she could see in in face that things were already underway. 

“Delly” Katniss called from a rocking chair that Peeta had brought from Haymitch’s abandoned cabin. “The pains have started. My baby is coming.”

She was more excited than frightened and she continued to rock and rub her belly. 

“How far apart are they?” Delly asked in concern. 

“About every 10 minutes” Katniss answered and Delly let out a breath. No wonder the younger woman was so calm. They had some time, the real show hadn’t even started. Things progressed well through the afternoon and in a couple of hours she had Katniss in a nightgown and in bed where she belonged. The mother to be was in good spirits and was tolerating the pain very well despite the fact that she was tiring. 

Peeta was a bit of a wreck though. He wouldn’t stop pacing and Delly thought at one point that he would bite clean through his knuckle. She tried to shoo him outside but he would only agree to leave for a short time while he tended the animals. He absolutely insisted that he would be present to hold his wife’s hand at the birth. “The two most important people in my universe are in this room” he announced. “There is no way that I am leaving.”

Delly nodded and continued to count the time between contractions. They were definitely getting close enough to have her start pushing. She instructed Peeta to stay with Katniss and hold her hand. 

“Katniss honey, you are doing great” she encouraged. “You are fully dilated and coming along fine so I want to have you to start bearing down when those contractions come.” 

Katniss nodded and did her best not to cry. She was in so much pain and getting more and more tired by the minute. When the wave of pain returned once again Delly urged her to push. She clung to Peeta’s hand and did the best that she could. She needed to get her baby out. When the contraction ended she collapsed back onto the bed and Peeta came and wiped her face with a damp cloth. He was doing his best to keep her comfortable but she was completely soaked with sweat. 

The cycle of pain and effort continued for what felt like hours to Katniss but could have only been one or two at the most. It was still light outside. She could see the strain that it was taking on her friend and her husband too. They were hungry, weary, and worried. 

When she had endured the most grueling contraction yet Delly finally announced that the baby had crowned. Katniss managed to laugh through her agony. It was almost time. How on earth had she ever done this alone? She thought of that last time and the child she had lost as she bit back her anguish and pushed and strained through the next several minutes. It gave her the strength she needed to deliver. She would hold this baby tonight, safe and sound. 

Peeta couldn’t stand to watch his wife endure any more pain. She was hurting so badly and there was nothing he could do to protect her. No remedy or source of comfort. All he could do was stand there and pray for God to keep her strong. She had his hand in a vice grip but that was a good sign. She still had the energy and stamina to exert that kind of pressure. 

After his carriage accident he had waited for days to see if they were going to be able to save his leg. He had thought at the time that nothing could ever be more terrifying and stressful than that. He was wrong. It was nothing compared to the moments of silence that passed after Delly announced that the baby was coming. Nothing…nothing and then…a piercing cry. 

“It’s a girl” Delly called in delight. “A beautiful baby girl.” 

Katniss closed her eyes and wept in relief. Should could feel Peeta’s head come to rest on hers and she felt him trembling. He was crying too. Delly worked quickly to cut the cord and then wrapped the baby for warmth and handed her to Peeta so that they could have a look at their child while she delivered the afterbirth. 

Peeta placed the little bundle on his wife’s chest and they stared at her in wonder. Her crying had died down to persistent mewls and her tiny fists were clenched. Katniss couldn’t believe how perfect and strong she was. They tried to see what color her eyes were but she refused to open them. Peeta took one good look at her dark mat of hair, miniature scowl and stubborn attitude and burst out laughing. Katniss gave him a sideways look and he laughed all the harder. 

“I was right” he announced. “She is a little Kitty Kat.”

Katniss just shook her head and held her baby closer. At least she tried to. It was getting more and more difficult for her to support her meager weight. In fact, it was all she could do to keep her eyes open. Peeta saw her waning state and took the baby back again. Katniss looked as though she might faint. 

“Something is wrong” Peeta called to Delly. “She’s getting woozy…she’s not doing well.”

Delly let out a breath. “She’s lost some blood” she confirmed. Peeta thought that he might lose consciousness as well. 

“But not much more than usual” she continued. “I need to get her stitched up and then we need to get some fluids into her. Peeta, I want you to stay up there with her and hold the baby so Mama can see her. Katniss, I need you to stay awake alright? Stay with us and just focus on that little lady you just brought into the world.” 

Katniss did her best to stay awake and concentrate on Peeta and the baby. What Delly was doing was painful but she knew that it was necessary too. She could also see the tremble in Peeta’s normally steady hand. She was his love and she knew that he feared for her. She gritted her teeth. She would be alright, she had everything in the world to fight for and live for now. 

By the next day she was still extremely sore and tired but she was gaining strength. Thanks to the two most wonderful people ever, she was clean, fed, dressed, and nursing her ever eager newborn baby. 

“What are we going to call her?” Peeta asked from his seat nearby. He was immensely relieved at how quickly his wife was recovering. She was so beautiful sitting at the head of their bed feeding their child. Motherhood agreed with her. 

She stroked the baby’s cheek as she answered. “The violets were lovely this year. So much a part of the beauty of the prairie. I want to name her for something in Kansas. Something in the here and now.”

Peeta looked thoughtful. “Violet” he repeated. “Very small and yet it brings so much color and vibrance to the landscape. That’s a great name for our daughter.” He came and sat at the foot of the bed. “You were incredible yesterday” he told her. “The way you powered through all of the pain and had our baby. It was just very humbling to be there and see it. It also made me think of everything you must have gone through the last time and how you were all alone…and then to lose him…I just can’t imagine.”

He was surprised by the strength of her tone when she answered him. “I wasn’t alone. I had the memory of my family with me. They were great people and who loved me and what they gave me when I was young helped sustain me through that difficult time. That’s why I want to name my first child for them. I’m going to name him Everdeen.” She reached out and took his hand. “Everdeen Mellark.” 

“You will let me have him too?” Peeta questioned. 

“Yes” she answered. “Everything I am and have is yours: past, present and future. And now that he has a proper name and family, I think I can feel better about letting him be laid to rest…along with Prim and my folks.” 

A few tears streamed down her face. “I need to let them go Peeta” she managed. “I need to let them go so that I can have all of my strength to hold on to you and Violet.”

He noticed that his hand was resting on his injured leg. Even after everything they had been through and all of her confessions and acts of love, he was still self-conscious about it. He lifted his arm so that he could cup her cheek. He had finally found what he had been looking for when he had headed west. The faithfulness and devotion of a true family. Memories of his childhood still made him doubt it sometimes. He had things he was prepared to let go of as well. Katniss was right. They had each other and they were stepping out of the shadows of the past and running head long into everything they could have together. Neither could have imagined just a short time ago the joys that awaited them in this little cabin out on the prairie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not quite the end of the journey. We still have an epilogue to go. I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter or anything in the story. 
> 
> What are your thoughts on Katniss's suggestion that Peeta try to reach out to Thresh and his reaction to it?
> 
> Katniss has come to a point where she has resolved enough of her own issues to have a better perspective on Peeta and his needs. 
> 
> What are your thoughts on how her view of the war and Peeta's decisions regarding it have evolved and matured?
> 
> The scene with the bath in it and how it comes to be says so much about both of them and how far they have come in their ability to be a loving and supportive partner. 
> 
> Final thoughts before we get to the epilogue?


	22. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mellark family makes a journey back to Georgia, 5 years into the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who has followed the story, especially those who have been faithful in leaving me feedback. It wouldn't be possible without you. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this epilogue and take the time to leave me your parting thoughts. 
> 
> Some of you have asked if I will be writing another story. I will be taking a break for at least a few weeks. I have been writing nonstop since I started On an Island and that was a long time ago so I need a little vacation. I am sure I will be posting by fall again at the latest. 
> 
> I do have an idea for the next story and it is already mapped. It will be called "Stop the Train" and it will be an Everlark. It will also be the closest thing to cannon that I have ever written other than a few one shots. I hope to see you back when I start posting that story.

Katniss brought a hand to her belly as she watched Violet scamper in from the henhouse. Her skirt was lifted and likely full of eggs. She would scold the child for being so careless with them if she thought there was any chance of them actually breaking. Violet was very careful and diligent with her chores. She wouldn’t spoil anything as precious as breakfast. Peeta was amazed at how light she was on her feet, but Katniss knew she came by it naturally. She wondered if this next baby would be the same.

She still had a while until she found out. She wasn’t even due for another 3 months. They were starting to think that it wouldn’t happen again. That Everdeen and Violet would be their only children. But 5 years later here she was, pregnant and happy. They had built on to the little house a few years ago to give them some additional privacy at night. It was a lot of work, but completely worth it as far as Katniss was concerned. 

She nearly bumped into Peeta as he came out of the doorway. He grabbed her arms to steady her and gave her a quick kiss and I love you before heading out to hitch up the wagon. They were all in a hurry today, doing their best to finish the chores in record time. Delly and Kurt were due to arrive shortly and they needed to head to the station soon after. 

The farm was a lot of work and they never would have asked either of their friends to care take of it for them if they hadn’t offered. It wouldn’t be a long trip, but they would still likely be gone a few weeks and that was a good amount of time to tend someone else’s homestead. Still, Kurt had insisted that he would be grateful for the opportunity. He had come west with his brother’s family and was thinking of buying land of his own. This would give him a chance to see if he could really make a go of it with just his own labor. 

He could probably handle it on his own, but Delly had insisted on pitching in as well. She didn’t know beans about farming but planned to serve as a cook and housekeeper so that he could concentrate on the fields and animals. It would be an awkward arrangement, given that both of them were single, but Kurt had agreed to sleep in the barn and Delly had laughed at the idea that she might be concerned with her reputation. Katniss smiled, she had seen her friend eyeing the town’s newest bachelor in church for several Sundays now. This would be an interesting situation indeed. 

When Peeta had the wagon loaded, he returned to the house for the money bag Katniss still stored in the chest at the foot of their bed. A flood of memories assailed him as he held it in his hand. How arrogantly he had assumed that Haymitch could buy him a loving and devoted wife with it. How much he had feared that she would use it to leave him. He shook his head with a chuckle. What a fool he had been. Katniss loved him with her whole soul and had from the start. Money meant next to nothing to her. She would never betray him nor any of their kin. 

Not that loving each other meant that they always kept sweet. They butted heads from time to time, but it was always to challenge one another to be better. To make life more rich and full. He stopped in front of the desk and picked up an envelope. After years of persuasion, she had finally convinced him to hire someone to track down and deliver a letter to Thresh. He received word from his man that the letter had been delivered and still he heard nothing in response from his old friend. He had given clear direction on how he could be reached. Still, nearly six months of silence followed. 

Every time they went to town he was hoping to have received mail but the postmaster would just shake his head. Katniss had begun to feel sorry for him and he hated to see the pity in her eyes. Then one day she raced out to the barn to greet him after one of her visits with Delly. She held a brown envelope in her hand. He opened it with trembling hands. Inside he found not a letter, but an intricate drawing of a young colored man seated next to what he assumed was his wife and surrounded by three little boys. A smile broke across his face. Thresh had always been a good artist and now he had a family of his own just like Peeta did. 

He received no other form of communication from his childhood playmate nor did he send any. He had poured out his heart to the other man and Thresh had responded with a sign of goodwill. Peeta knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t angry. The companionship they had shared had been for just a season of their lives but it had been genuine and significant. He had a best friend from his boyhood and so did another young man making his way in the world and providing for his family. 

Peeta returned the envelope to its proper place and glanced down to see his wife’s sprawling handwriting across a page of his formal stationary. He had seen her working at it the day before but hadn’t inquired. He assumed that she was composing directions for Delly or Kurt but the composition that lay before him was much more extensive. His interest was piqued as he scanned the document and noted that his name appeared several times. 

Dear Papa, Mama, and Prim,

I miss you all and I am ever grateful for the memories you gave me. Thank you for instilling in me a love for our Lord and a strong sense of resolve. Whenever life has troubled me I have comforted myself with prayer and with the sound of your steady voices urging me to never give up. I am a woman of 28 now and a fine pianist just like Mama. I play in church most every Sunday. I am stubborn like Papa and I still resemble him in most respects. I have a daughter who reminds me daily of Prim and I play all of the games with her that we used to as girls. 

I am very happy and my life is full so I don’t want you to worry. I had a very difficult time after you died but it set me on the path that brought me to today so I wouldn’t take it back. I had a son when I was young and I lost him, but I named him in your memory and I am sure you have cared for him well and are better acquainted with him than I. Losing the chance to mother him is my only regret. 

Whatever unfairness life dealt me in the wake of your departure has been more than made up for by the gift of my husband and our children. When I was at one of my very lowest points, I met a man who took pity on me and brought me out west to marry his friend. That is how I met my Peeta. We married shortly after my arrival and have been each other’s loves ever since. He hasn’t always done or said the right thing, but he has been incredibly faithful, patient, and loving with me. His strength and character have rebuilt my belief that some people can be trusted and that I am important and worthy of a good life. 

He didn’t serve in the war and that would have been a sore subject between you, but it isn’t for me. I know what it is like to have no power to defend yourself and no way to protect your loved ones. I have been in situations in which men handled me as they liked. I had no recourse and no avenue to change my fate. I do not wish the condition for any person regardless of the purpose that it may serve. Peeta learned this before I did and had the courage to live according to his convictions. He is amazingly strong and wise and I am a very proud wife and fortunate to have his care and protection. 

Coming west has done wonders for me and while I have some fond memories of Georgia, it is no longer my home. Peeta and I have built a life here that I treasure and I plan to continue on this path as long as God permits. Our daughter Violet was born here and she is thriving. She is a hard worker on the farm and is starting to learn her numbers and letters, but when her chores are done she is also a lively singer and dancer and is now trying her hand with the piano as well. We are expecting another child in a few months’ time and are both greatly pleased. 

I miss you and I wish you could see the woman I have grown into and meet Peeta and Violet. My soul is well and I am no longer sorrowful but I still have the desire for reunion with you and Everdeen on the other side where our whole family can be complete. 

You are remembered and cherished forever, 

Your loving daughter Katniss Mellark 

Peeta stood, frozen in place. He knew that Katniss loved him, but until he read the words she would have spoken to her beloved parents, he did not fully appreciate the weight of her admiration and respect. She appreciated him. She valued him. She knew everything and would have chosen him freely. That was the truth plainly spoken without taking him as an audience into consideration. His wife trusted him and he was a good husband and father. 

He let the letter fall back to the desk and grabbed the edge of it for support. He took a deep breath, suddenly a little overwhelmed by emotion. He had become everything he had set out to be. His children being raised in the home and loving family that he never had. He felt like he had broken some kind of an ancient curse. He wasn’t judgmental, controlling, and vengeful like his mother. He wasn’t weak like his father either. 

He heard the sound of Delly’s wagon and went out to greet her and tend to her horses. He grinned as he led them into the barn. Kurt would be doing these things for her soon enough. Heaven help the man. Kurt arrived a short time later looking between the house, the barn, and his soon to be very close neighbor with a mix of interest and trepidation. At least he had an idea of what he was getting himself into Peeta concluded. 

Most of their belongings had already been loaded by the time Delly hugged and kissed them all farewell but Katniss returned to the house for the most important things. Peeta noticed as he lifted her into the seat that she had retrieved both the letter and her money bag and added them to her traveling case. Violet was chattering excitedly and if her arms flapped any faster she would surely fly rather than ride into town. It was understandable. Not only would this be her first trip out east but also her first time on a train. 

Peeta had gone back before, the year prior when his eldest brother had died. Katniss had offered to go along but he preferred to deal with it on his own and not taint his new life with the old. He was positive his mother would not treat her well and he was right. She started slinging insults the moment he told her of his marriage and child and he had promptly walked away from her for good. Some people didn’t change. He hadn’t gone back to visit her in any event. He had returned to pay his respects to his brother and his wife and children and he had done that and returned to his farm. He saved all of his real grief until he was back in his wife’s arms. She kissed and loved him through it. It was a pain that she understood all too well. 

Katniss was amazed by the power and speed of the locomotive. Despite protests by the Indians, the railroad had continued to lay track and they were now connected all the way to the east coast. The trip that had taken her weeks when she had come with Haymitch was now reduced to just a few days. It was a sign of how fast things continued to change. Katniss glanced over at Violet, no longer a chubby toddler but a girl soon to start school. She wondered how different the world would be by the time she matured to womanhood. 

Violet was fascinated by the train and its passengers, more than once inquiring too loudly about private matters and embarrassing both of her parents who begged pardon for her. Despite the reduced length of the journey, she wasn’t used to sitting for long periods and by the end of the trip she was more than a little restless. Thankfully, it was bright and sunny when they departed and she was able to play outside of the train station and then at the hotel. 

Katniss felt a bit uncomfortable eating dinner in such a formal setting and so did Violet. The child had never eaten in a restaurant before. The furniture in the room was also much more ornate than Katniss was accustom too. Her little girl had no chance to notice, having fallen asleep while her Daddy carried her up the stairs. 

Katniss was grateful for the strength of Peeta’s arms as he held her that night. She was tired from traveling but she was homesick for their cabin on the prairie and she was nervous about what the next day would bring. 

“I love you” Peeta whispered as he smoothed back her hair. “You’re going to be fine darling. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

She took a deep breath and nodded. He was right. This wasn’t anything like the last time. She was a new person now. She had money. She was married as well and to a very capable man. Not only that, but her thinking had changed. She wasn’t a lost little girl, running away from pain and loss. She was a woman on a mission. 

She snuggled closer to her best friend and told him that she loved him too. She was glad that he was here to support her. He knew how difficult it would be and the depth of his understanding eased her anxiety. She just had these last couple of things to do and no matter how the next week went, they would be on their way home in a short time. 

It was easy to hire a ride the next morning to take them the short distance to her former home. She expected the sense of panic that began to blossom in her chest as the land marks became familiar but she also experienced a strong sense of nostalgia as well. She brought Violet up into her lap and told her stories about each and every farmhouse, creek, and swaying tree as they passed by. Memories of her childhood with Prim, Gale, and the passel of other children who roamed these parts in her youth. 

But as they approached what had once been her family plantation she grew silent. Peeta took her hand and held it tight. This was the part he was worried about. Katniss would make it, she was more of a survivor than anyone he knew. He just hoped that this visit would do more good than harm in helping her gain some closure. He was sure that it would be a mixed bag of emotions and he was reminded, not for the first time, that the last time she had been here her sister had been killed by the Yankees and a man had raped her and taken her innocence. She had been determined these last several months to return and face it and he had been supportive of her need to do so. 

He intended to keep his word and stay at her side but once he helped her down she placed their daughter’s hand in his and walked away. His chest tightened in pain on her behalf. Letting her go flew in the face of all of his instincts. He wanted to be there to protect her. To hold her in his arms when she cried. The little hand within his changed his mind. As usual, his wife’s judgement was correct. Some of the memories that she needed to face here were best not dealt with in front of their child. 

What struck Katniss the most was how different it everything was. If she hadn’t grown up here she would never have known that the house had even existed. Peeta had gotten in contact with the new owners so they had permission to be here and Katniss took advantage of the opportunity to visit all of the important places that shaped her life. She walked in the woods where she had seen her father hunt and set traps as a girl. She visited the remnants of the fort she had made with Gale. She stood in the place that she had shared a room with Prim. She traced the path that her mother had often walked to the summer kitchen. 

The last stops were the most difficult. She sat in the grass that now grew in the place of the barn and she wept for her sister. For the perfect little girl she had been and the woman that she never got to be. She looked out to the place where the man had held her down and changed her life forever. She deeply resented the terror that rose within. After all of this time, she was still afraid of him. He hadn’t beaten her though. She had emerged and moved on and she was 100% confident that she had a better life than him. In fact, she wouldn’t have traded what she had with anyone. 

She found her family grave and ran her fingers over the pile of stones that marked it. For years, she had believed that she belonged here with them. That she had only escaped because of some cruel accident of fate. She glanced across the way and saw Peeta with Violet on his shoulders as he tried to lift her high enough to peer into a nest on the branch of a tree. No, she didn’t belong here. Peeta had shown her that. They had grown together and proven that life could be good again, despite any amount of loss. 

She spoke words of love and confession long held inside and she lifted several of the stones at the top of the pile and placed her letter carefully in before covering it again. She called for Peeta and Violet and explained to her daughter that this is where her family was buried. She nodded and looked sad, likely because she knew that her Mama was. Peeta stood behind her and pulled her against his chest and he held her gently until she was ready to return to the wagon. 

She felt a little lighter with each step. The owners had built a new house at the other end of the property and the slave cabins were now filled with share croppers. The children looked well fed and the adults healthy enough too. The place was moving on. She couldn’t have imagined all of the changes but that seemed fitting. It was a different world and she was a different Katniss. As they were pulling away she took one last look at the past. She wouldn’t be returning, of that she was certain. She wasn’t frightened and running away anymore. This time she was simply making a better choice. 

The next part of their journey was more difficult. The roads that stretched across the miles to Cato’s land were less reliable and several times they had to disembark and walk while Peeta led the horses over difficult terrain. Violet was delighted by the adventure as she sat between her parents, watching the unfamiliar landscape pass by. They stopped and rested the horses when needed and spent one night camping out beneath the stars. Katniss loved to watch the people and see how the fields and houses had rebounded. It wasn’t the south that she remembered before Fort Sumter, but it was no longer a ravaged war zone either. 

Peeta kept glancing back at his wife’s proud profile. He was both immensely impressed and appalled by the distance she had once traveled on foot, most likely without any shoes. He smiled to himself. He had himself quite a woman. Sometimes he was still in awe of her. 

Katniss stiffened as they reached the house. She had imagined coming back to confront him many times over the years but now that the time had come she only wished to avoid it. She didn’t want to sneak around on his land though. She didn’t want to cause trouble for anyone else and he wouldn’t dare lay a hand on her now. No, she was going to have to do the unthinkable and ask for permission. 

She half expected to find him sprawled out from a hangover or half-drunk already, but as the porch came into view an old woman whom she had never seen before looked up from sweeping the steps. Her eyes narrowed and her face appeared to be permanently molded into a frown. She took them in and gave a nod of her head. 

“What can I do for you folks?” she asked, in not the least bit friendly way as she returned to her sweeping. 

When Katniss failed to answer, Peeta stepped in. 

“We are looking for Cato Jacobs” he informed her. 

The woman stopped again and shook her head although she clearly wasn’t surprised. When she pulled her bonnet off to wipe her brow, Katniss could see that she had misjudged her age. She probably wasn’t much past 40. She didn’t look as though life had treated her well, but she wasn’t elderly or infirm.

“My brother died a couple of years back” she told them. “This place is mine now.” 

The news sent Katniss’s mind in a whirl. Cato was dead. The man she had built up in her mind for so long as an all-powerful tyrant had been rotting in his grave since Violet was an infant. It was too much to take in. 

“We are actually looking for a woman who used to work here. Her name is Cecelia.”

The woman considered this. 

“Colored woman?” she asked. 

Peeta nodded. 

“She still does” she answered as though it weren’t overly important. “If you are here to stake a claim get out. Those days are over. She works for me now and I won’t have people coming around to hire the help away.”  
Peeta nodded again. “Understood. We aren’t looking for sharecroppers. Our place is much too far away and it isn’t this large. My wife knows this woman from her childhood. We just want to have a word with her.”

The woman eyed him again. She didn’t believe him but she didn’t argue either. Instead, she gestured down the path to where the cabins were. 

“She lives down that way with her kinfolk. Have your word and get off my land. I don’t take kindly to fancy strangers showing up and wanting to talk to my Negros.”

Peeta grimaced. He hated the way she was speaking of his wife’s longtime friend but she had also given them the permission they wanted and she hadn’t put up a fight about it. 

They climbed down from the wagon and Peeta hitched up the team. Katniss checked her old cabin but found it occupied. The girl who answered was able to point them in the right direction and just when she was getting ready to knock she heard a familiar voice. It was rich and clear and she starting crying before she even saw her. She was walking up the path, hauling water with several young women. No, not quite women, girls. Oh my, Cecelia’s daughters were so grown up now. 

“Can I help you sir?” Cecelia asked, her expression concerned. 

Peeta could understand her worry. There was a white man and his family standing at her cabin door. 

“Cecelia!” Katniss burst out as the tears ran down her face. 

The older woman’s eyes went wide as recognition dawned on her and she stumbled forward to bring her hands to Katniss’s face. She examined her for a moment in disbelief before pulling her close in a hug. 

“Child, you’ve come home” she sobbed. “We thought….we thought Cato done killed you.”

She rocked her and stroked her hair even as others began to gather around them. Peeta was surprised by the outburst of emotion, not necessarily from Cecelia but by Katniss. He knew they were close but the reunion was more intense than he had anticipated. It made him all the more glad they had made the journey. This was clearly something both woman had been needing. 

When Cecelia pulled back she kept Katniss by both hands and looked her over again. She shook her head with a bright shining smile. 

“You’re well Katniss. You’re so well and you look so grown up and beautiful.” 

“Yes” Katniss started, beginning to remember herself. “When I confronted Cato he tried to kill me and I had to run away. I met a man who was looking for a wife for his friend so I went west and I married Peeta. I’m sorry I couldn’t get word to you then.”

She reached for Peeta and Violet and brought them over. “This is Peeta, my husband and our daughter Violet.” 

Cecelia smiled even wider. “Our Katniss, a mother and it looks like you’re going to be so again soon.”

Katniss nodded as emotions continued to get the better of her. Cecelia invited them in and soon they were sitting around the tiny kitchen table drinking glasses of water. Katniss sent Violet outside to play with the other children. While the two women visited and caught up after years of separation, Peeta looked around the cabin. It was dark and very damp. It was also clear that a lot of people lived here. He couldn’t be sure how many but enough to make him feel claustrophobic. He heard Cecelia mention a move to a bigger cabin. He shuddered. He wasn’t being judgmental, he just couldn’t imagine living this way. He remembered Katniss on the day she had arrived. The full weight of where she came from and the conditions she was used to were a reality to him now. He glanced at Cecelia. While others had denied Katniss charity out of their wealth, she had willing shared what she had out of this poverty. His wife had been right in coming back. 

After a time that was much too short for Katniss, she noticed Cecelia eying the door. She was nervous and Katniss knew why. 

“I am so glad to see you” Cecelia said. “And to see you found love and this handsome man and a family of your own. It’s all I could have hoped for you.” 

Tears formed in her eyes. “Thank you” she said, addressing the words to both of them. “Thank you for coming back to see me and to ease my mind.”

She looked down at her hands and then her expression turned fearful. “The boss lady though. She won’t take to having you here speaking with me. I don’t want her to think that I’m causing trouble. She isn’t any Cato but she still drives a hard way from time to time.” 

Katniss brought her hand forward to cover hers and squeezed it. “I know” she said quietly. “We will be going soon but I wanted to give you a couple of things before I left.”

She handed her an envelope. “That is the address that I can be reached at by mail and directions to our farm in Kansas if you ever need it. I know you can’t read but someone should be able to help you.”

She looked to Peeta who brought forth a bag and set it down on the table with a thud. Katniss pushed it in front of Cecelia who looked puzzled as she opened it and then visibly shaken. 

“No…no child” she started and Katniss laid a hand on her arm and then came over to hug her. 

“It’s yours” she said softly as she held her. “Half my dowry money and then my share of the extra proceeds from our farm over the last 5 years. We have more than enough and Peeta said that it is mine to do whatever I wish with. You are the only family that I have left in Georgia and I want you to have it. It’s enough to buy your own land. Go west if you want to or stay here. Whatever you want to do with your life and to help get your daughters a better start.” 

The two women held each other for a while and Peeta tended the horses. Before they were ready to head out Cecelia took him aside. 

“Thank you” she said again. She brought his face down to hers and kissed him on the cheek. He started to tear up as well and it occurred to him that his own mother had never displayed such affection. “God has a place for you” she told him. “You gave her so much love. I can see that. You gave her so much care when she needed it so bad. I’ve never seen such a man to give so much.” 

Katniss was happy as the train pulled out of the station a few days later. She had done what she came to do. She had said goodbye to her parents and to Prim. She had shown Cecelia how much she loved her and how much she would always mean to her and she had made a difference in her life just as Cecelia had done for her so many years ago. She had also shared her past with Peeta and with Violet too. She wanted her to know where she came from and that she should never be ashamed. She wished that she could have visited Everdeen’s grave but she had no idea what the people at the hospital had done with the body. Peeta had created a small memorial for him at home. 

She was ready to go back. For one thing, she was interested in how much progress Delly might have made with Kurt in their absence. Her hand fell to her belly. Another baby would be here soon. The prairie would bloom and then ripen into gold. The snow would fall and the cycle would begin again. There was so much life and love ahead of them. She took Peeta’s hand and intertwined their fingers. They would embrace it all together, always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! What a ride. This has been a really long journey for Katniss and Peeta and I think we can all agree that they are in a much better place now than when we found them. 
> 
> What do you think about Delly and Kurt? I thought that was a fun little way to leave this Delly character. 
> 
> Peeta also reached out to Thresh and got a response. Do you have any thoughts on that?
> 
> The reunion between Katniss and Cecelia is really powerful and I am glad that I included it. 
> 
> This visit gave Katniss some closure and she is really looking forward to the future. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter or anything in this story.

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter gives you a feel for what our Katniss and Haymitch are going to be like and it sets up Katniss's dilemma pretty well. We will get to meet Peeta in the next chapter and get some insight into what his mindset and expectations are as well. 
> 
> If you have a few minutes leave me your thoughts on this early part of the work. I love feedback!


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